topic depression/ anxiety merry-go-round in Depression

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 01:17:53 GMT

I'm new here, this is my 1st post. I'm really isolated because of my issues and have been for 2 yrs since I gave up a long term addiction to drugs and cut ties with the ppl I used with. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for yrs as well as ocd and anorexia. I thought that getting clean would solve all my problems and I'd b able to live a normal life, get a job ect and convinced myself that all my problems stemmed from drugs. So when I was hit with depression and anxiety and all the ocd thoughts slowly crept back in over the past few months and everything I worked for in recovery fell apart bit by bit as the mental illness took hold again I have been shattered by the realization that it wasn't the drugs causing mental illness but the mental illness causing me to feel the need to escape with drugs. Now I'm very concerned about my future, I can't stick to anything for long b4 I am stuck at home again, too anxious to go out. I don't think I'll ever hold down a job or live a meaningful life. Anyway I thought I'd try this website to reach out to others who might understand. Aly.

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 08:39:01 GMT

I really appreciated the email from the beyond blue team, I was pleasantly surprised that they sent me a personalized reply to my earlier post. I have got a psychiatrist who is very good but being on the DSP I am not able to afford to see him much because I'm also on the suboxone Program which is expensive. I am just feeling very ashamed of what my life has come to, I don't have much to show for my 28 years, I don't have any qualifications, never had a real job, ex drdrug addict, I feel like a pathetic loser and I don't have the energy to keep clawing my way out of this enormous mess I've made of my life. I'm not as young now and I'm wasting my life away just locking myself in my house, too tired and anxious and scared to do anything. I'm losing hope that I'll ever get married and have a family of my own. I'm just plain tiered of everything. I hope there is someone out there who might relate to what I'm saying who could give me some advice. Thanks, aly.

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 08:53:34 GMT

Hi Aly1987! I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You are amazing for giving up your long term addiction, that takes so much bravery and courage. I have been struggling with alcoholism for the last ten years due to my anxiety, ocd and depression. I thought I had a grip on it but I really have been in denial drinking every night to alleviate all of it until it woke me up in the middle of the night and then the merry go round begins again. I had my last drink on NY eve because I just can't continue like this anymore. You are not a pathetic loser. It takes so much strength and courage to fight this. Jo xx

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 00:37:02 GMT

Hi Jo B, thanks so much for ur reply! Well done for deciding to stop drinking, I know how difficult it is to take that step, especially when you get used to having that vice to lean on every day to escape from anxiety and depression. I wish you all the best with that! I was addicted to meth/ ice and opiods and was very unhealthy physically and mentally for a long time. When I got clean, after the initial sickness and depression with the withdrawal, I was feeling good for maybe 6- 9 months, I had ups and downs but I managed to get volunteer work at the salvos and felt like I was worth something. But it didn't last long, I started to get really tired and the ocd thoughts crept back and within 2 mths I felt too anxious and ttired to go to the salvos, I now find it hard to leave the house again and I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to sustain anything productive for long at all. I wish I could work with animals, that's my passion, I love animals but can't stick with study long enough. I'm thinking of doing a 12 week program for borderline personality disorder as apparently it's good but I don't have the energy atm. I don't drive so makes things hard.

I hope that u have support around u to help you in these early days of giving up drinking? I did a great 12 wk program with Drug Arm when I got out of detox that was amazing help to me in those early days, I highly recommend it. I'm not keen on AA and NA meetings myself, I found it to be a bit cult like and weird but it helps some ppl. I hope you have family who u can talk to about things as well, my mum is really amazing support for me, I'm very lucky to have her! Anyway, thanks again for ur message, I'm new here so it's so nice to get a reply! Aly.

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 03:30:48 GMT

Hi Aly, I am new to this as well. I live on my own, my family having left (divorce, adult child) and I have three weeks off work for a break but finding it terribly hard being at home but too anxious to get out and about. I keep thinking I'm in my early 40s and look at me, nothing to show because of this illness, so I understand what you were saying in your first post. I feel so lost and stuck in a rut and I want to get out but don't know how.

Thank you for your encouragement. It's wonderful that you have a supportive mum. What you have been through to give up addiction is truly inspiring.

I am a very private person in real life, I have my adult son who lives in the same city, I don't tell him what is going on because he is very sensitive and it would stress him out. The rest of my family are overseas and I have talked about it with my sister, she also struggles with alcohol and anxiety but she has a very busy life with her big family and doesn't have OCD.

I am also not one for AA meetings but know that it has seemed to work for others, which is great. I was drinking a bottle of red wine a night to get me to sleep. I would start drinking at 7pm to help me relax and it worked. I also have a chronic illness which doesn't help matters and the alcohol was medicating that as well.

I need to get to the root of this constant fear and shame I feel and I just don't know how. I have gone to therapy over the past 15 years since I was diagnosed with OCD and clinical depression and it hasn't helped one bit. I had a very traumatic childhood and have major trust issues because of it. And I guess because of it I am a very good actress pretending I am ok all the time because people at work, my friends, have no idea that I am suffering this way. I have thoughts about ending it all but I could never do that to my son, it would destroy him and that keeps me going.

I love animals too, my dog passed away just over a year ago and I am still so sad about it. A friend asked me if I wanted to volunteer at a local dog shelter she knew of, but just the thought of it was exhausting, so I understand why you were so

tired volunteering.

Studying is a good thing, I have started studying to change my future and pushing through the chronic fatigue that comes with the illness I have by going to uni after work is really hard but I have to do something. I have to get off this merry go round.

Thanks for your reply Aly. I hope through this forum, we can both find healing.

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depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

geoff — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 13:50:05 GMT

dear Aly and JoJo, welcome to BB and thanks so much for posting both your comments, and I can absolutely relate to both your remarks, the only exception is that I have never done drugs, but I have OCD for 54 years, and self medicated with alcohol, lost a marriage and tried a couple of the medications on the suboxone Program, so really this is a complex post, and that's even better.

I just want to send this reply back to the both of you now in case you are checking on any further replies, but don't worry I will follow this up in a couple of hours, because it really interests me. L Geoff. x

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 23:33:01 GMT

Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply. I have had OCD since I was a little girl, I could relate to your other posts on this forum regarding the cracks. I used to avoid them too! I would count each step in between the cracks all the way from home to school and back etc. I grew out of it eventually, but replaced it later with checking and cleaning like a maniac when I became a mother and after leaving an abusive relationship. I have grown out of those mostly as well, unfortunately I liked the cleaning aspect of it LOL because now I struggle with housework but the checking was awful thinking we would get burgled because I didn't lock up or the place would be in flames and we wouldn't be safe or it was my fault. I still get checking urges once in a blue moon but not to the scale I did.

During my marriage I used to have scary thoughts of hurting my husband and son, then it became that I would think

I would hurt a friend if I went to their house so I stopped going. Then my mother came to stay and I was so freaked out I would hurt her too. I think I have these bad thoughts so that I am on my own and nobody can hurt me or to keep people I love at a distance? I don't know, I'm still trying to work that one out. I haven't had those thoughts for ages, I guess because I isolate myself. I think OCD helped me to dissociate from traumatic events that happened when I was little and I don't know how to tell myself that I don't need to rely on the OCD mechanism anymore to keep me safe because I am safe.

On the outside, you would never think that I was going through this. I have only used alcohol to medicate myself, I haven't had a doctor or therapist put me on any meds or even suggest it for OCD. A doctor did suggest medication for the clinical depression but

I was scared to take it in case I went psychotic.

It's a very lonely illness to have, especially in a marriage with family and with friends because you keep it a secret as much as you can but on the inside you are faced with terror. OCD kicked my smoking habit though.

I was afraid I wouldn't put out a cigarette properly and it would burn the house down. So it was good for that.

I think my son now has OCD tendencies when he is stressed a relationship is going to

end. It worries me but he knows he can talk to me about it because he knows I have it. He saw all my checking when he was a kid unfortunately, I did try and act nonchalant when I did it because I did worry he would get it or think he had a crazy mum.

JoJo

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

geoff — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 00:14:27 GMT

dear Aly and JoJo, I just lost my post so I will have to start again, that's OK but the second reply you tend to loss what you typed before.

I hope that this can be rectified by BB.

As you can see the three of us have been or still are in the same position, and I hope that this post can continue because Rome wasn't built in a day, and it really is a complex one, well not really.

Aly you have 6 major issues while JoJo has 5, if I am correct, and then I have 5, it doesn't really matter it's a massive amount to cope with.

Aly can I start with you, firstly it's a fantastic effort to stop the drugs, because what they can do is just draw you into a different world, which indeed costs you heaps of money.

When we have OCD it's always there, but when we use alcohol or drugs this will enable us to make us forget about what habits or rituals we do, or we still do them but they don't create any problems, but when we stop using these toxins our mind is much more conscious in doing them, so yes you can say it grows back, but in actual fact it doesn't, because we have it, and it does drive me mad as I'm sure it does to you.

You make a very valid point 'mental illness does cause us to feel the need to take these toxins', because it numbs us, however I can't compare them as I have never used drugs.

I am not sure how long you have to stay on this medication that was given to you on the suboxone program, but I would think it would be for awhile.

When we take this special medication we have to be determined in our own mind that we want to stop taking them, otherwise it's a waste of time and money, and it won't work.

When I was taking them I was not ready to stop, so I was taking them for no purpose, although I have abstained a few times by going cold turkey.

There is a problem for the both of you, as I only social drink now, and that is if and when we hit a rough spot then there is a tendency to fall back and use them again, so that's why you need a support system in place, which is vital.

I am losing space, so JoJo I wonder whether your marriage fell apart because of the drinking, as it was one reason why my wife divorced me, she loathed it and so did my 2 sons, so now I live by myself, which I do enjoy, but I do miss the company.

It's so unfortunate that your dog passed away, because my did, and it seemed like yesterday, but I had her for 18 years, and now I have Moo-Moo in the picture.

I really hope to hear back from you or any other people. L Geoff. x

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 00:55:43 GMT

Hi Geoff, I posted earlier but it is yet to appear and then I just saw your new one. I certainly believe that my drinking contributed to the breakdown. We met when we were 20 and were drawn to each other due to similar childhood traumas. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, it's what I was used to from childhood, I saw my dad hit my mum and saw that when she stood up for herself she got smacked and then he left, so my takeaway from that was that to stand up for myself the worst could happen, I could get hurt or I could lose something dear to me. It was proven to me in the first relationship I mentioned and also in my marriage. So I'm always anxious and obsess over something when I need to stand up for my rights, I am worried that I'm going to get hurt really bad or lose everything.

I didn't start drinking until I gave up smoking in my late twenties and then the drinking got bad when my chronic illness reared its ugly head. I couldn't cope with the abusive marriage, the OCD and depression and the illness and trying to be a wife and mum as well as working full time with a demanding job. I was literally an exhausted wreck just trying to cope and then I slowly had one drink, then two, then three and then a bottle a night after the divorce to relax and help me sleep. It made me numb. My ex had his own addictions that contributed to the breakdown also. We were totally incompatible from day one, it was a co-dependent relationship.

I miss my dog so much. I spent every minute when I wasn't at work with him. He sat with me through my divorce when I cried my eyes out, lay with me after my surgeries and we would walk and I could talk to him. NYs was especially hard because it has been just me and him since the divorce. Dogs are very calming when you have OCD and anxiety I believe.

I haven't had a drink for three days and I feel so anxious and trying to work on relaxing with apps on the phone. I don't think I could ever be in a situation where I can drink socially, I have a few functions coming up and already I am thinking about how to combat those situations by drinking sparkling water etc, I know it's going to be tough, I just want to change the situation I'm in.

Do you still see your sons Geoff? I'm close to mine, he is very protective because he has seen what I have gone through, unfortunately the cycle repeated from my childhood to his which is so sad, he is an empathetic and loving person and we support each other always.

JoJo

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 02:01:51 GMT

Hi JoJo and Geoff, it is so nice to b able to talk to ppl who I can see understand what my situation is like. JoJo, I can very much relate to what u wrote about ur past relationships as I've had similar experiences, both in childhood with my parents relationship and then by the time I was 17 I was with a 32 yr old man who I spent many years with, he was in and out of prison thru those yrs and it was very tratraumatic, after I left him I found myself with an even worse and more violent man and it was a drug relationship, both hooked and he made me believe I was nothing, a useless junkie which in the end I was coz I lost all hope for myself. Finally he was so awful to me and my dog 1 day I left him and that's when I started my detox and that was almost 2 yrs ago. I also live on my own, I have a dog who is 11, I've had her since I was 16 and I also have a cat who is about to turn 3. I love them and see them as my kids with fur and I agree with Geoff, they make a huge difference, they are the best therapy and I really sympathise with both of u that ur dogs have passed, it would just break my heart to lose my girls so I'm so sorry for ur loss. Geoff u made a good point about how the merry- go- round of use of drugs and alcohol with mental illness goes, u certainly spelled out how it went for me. I've been clean for quite a while now except the occasional smoke but that's only every few months. Some medications are good in the way that they can block the receptors in the brain from withdrawal or cravings for the drugs and can make me very sick if I used any other drugs or alcohol. But when I' m really struggling with depression, I feel so tired that I don't have the energy to walk to the chemist and I have to every day to b dosed. I drag myself there every day. I get depressed about being on medication tho as it's another drug that I need every day and if I don't take it I'll go into withdrawal the same as other illicit drug withdrawal and it does have side affects. My mental health worker and doctor want me to go on anti depressants but I'm so obsessed with my weight that I' m terrified it will cause weight gain even tho they say they can put me on 1 that won't I'm still anxious and also I've been on meds b4 that made me worse and I' m scared. Anyway, thanks again for keeping in contact, I don't have any social life right now and not well enough to start 1 so this is a big help to have contact with ppl who understand. Thanks, Aly.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 02:17:25 GMT

JoJo, I just wanted to add well done for staying sober for the past few days! Honestly, that's fantastic! And u have more than u probably think, if I'm right it seems like u work, that's a real advantage, I've never had that and it's a huge problem for me now as the thought of going out of the house to work really is very overwhelming to me and it's another reason why I feel useless and bad about myself as I want to contribute to society. U also have family, that's so important, especially when going thru the first weeks of sobriety. Anyway I just wanted to help you see that u have got positives, it's just hard to see it in our own lives sometimes, especially when going thru depression and anxiety. Aly.

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

geoff — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 02:40:15 GMT

dear JoJo, thanks for replying and I have to say that I'm so sorry for not talking to you in my reply, because we are in the same boat.

Yes after the divorce and the house was on the market i didn't have much trouble with the eldest son, as he too has OCD, but I had to work hard on my youngest son as he was suffering from depression, but thank, who ever, I can't say god because I am an atheist so luck, feat or love the relationship with both of them now is great, we are very close.

My eldest always rings my so that he can talk about things, and so does my youngest but as much as he lives about 9 - 10 hours away and the reception isn't the best.

With my dog it was exactly the same as what you did, she slept with me, went with me everywhere and anywhere she was not allowed into their house I would never go there and when they asked me why I don't call in and see them I tell them, she knew exactly what I was doing, sitting with me at loo, sitting outside the shower and probably the same as yours.

It was a total heartbreak when I had to take her to the vet just as it was for you, Moo-Moo has her funny little ways but can never replace my Tessie, and funnily enough my good friend Neil has now got his got his lovely mother's dog who is called Tess, who if I could take her, but I can't because Neil and his family just adore her.

Being in an abusive marriage is nothing any one would want, and how sorry I feel for you, because I have never ever hurt my ex or any female as I was brought up that this is totally disrespectful and should never ever be done, as my Dad was a GP and never hit Mum or any of his 5 kids.

Your comment ' I'm always anxious and obsess over something when I need to stand up for my rights' and I know what you are talking about and understand completely, and perhaps the abusive marriage has been part of why this has happened, and the big question is how do you cope with this or at least overcome .it, well you have a solid base and that's your son, but that's just a beginning.

Due to the medication which is mainly my anti-epileptic and antidepressants (AD's ) I go to bed early, because it's a heavy dose to control my epilepsy, which was caused by an attack, I log off about now, but I am back at about 12.01am, not 12.00 thanks Mr. OCD.

Look forward to hear from you and I hope that Aly can log in. L Geoff. x

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 03:23:30 GMT

Aly, thank you for your support. I have only told my sister that I've stopped drinking and you are right, I do have some positives and I need to focus on those.

I am very grateful to have a job that I love. It's the first job I have had that suits me and where I am mostly supported and respected. I never believed I would ever find a job and that I would find one that makes me happy and I have found one and now it is allowing me to go to university. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be doing that.

I understand your feelings of being overwhelmed. When my son was little and I had just left an abusive relationship, I didn't want my son to grow up on a single mother's benefit and I felt so bad and useless as well being on it briefly. Who was going to hire me? I had no skills, I didn't finish high school, I grew up on my mother's single benefit too and feeling overwhelmed by the OCD which wasn't diagnosed and not wanting to leave the house.

I started with baby steps. I started going to a computer school and then I slowly began to create confidence, it took a long time and I put up with a lot of insecurity but I got through it. You can too Aly, with baby steps, you got through drug addiction and that is amazing and I believe you can do this too.

You are incredibly strong with what you have been through especially with anorexia. Having an eating disorder is horrible, my mother had it and I binge when I am severely anxious.

Your life is not meaningless Aly, you brought kind words to me today and that has meaning to me.

JoJo

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 03:52:11 GMT

dear Geoff, I'm glad to hear you have a great relationship with your sons. Being a parent is such an important role and I feel like I botched it up a bit with the male role models he had, I am so grateful my son is in my life. I've told him that if he ever needs to talk about anything, if he feels I did him wrong etc, then I am here for him and I will take responsibility where it is due and we can discuss it. He is an awesome human being and my family all tell me what a great person he is so I think I have done something right but it's mostly to his credit. When he gets anxious he comes to me and we talk about it with no judgment which from my experience I know is so important because I pretended with everyone that I was ok when I wasn't because I was so afraid of being judged or locked up for the bad thoughts I had too.

Geoff, dogs are the most awesome creatures created in my opinion and I can't believe how many are abused and abandoned. One day I will get another one when I am no longer studying so that he's not on his own. My boy was my shadow too. Everywhere I went, he went, except for work (unfortunately). Leaving him during the day while I was at work made me anxious so I didn't go out after work or on the weekends unless he could come too, I wanted to make sure he was happy. Before the divorce my ex worked from home a lot so he wasn't on his own during the day until I was a single mum. My son and I were with him when he was put to sleep and he died in my arms, I am still grieving his passing.

I've stayed single since my marriage broke up, I had to take a lot of time to think about why I was in such co-dependent relationships where I wasn't respected. Respect is so important to me. I think you just made me realise why I get anxious for standing up for my rights, I wasn't allowed in my childhood which I was aware of, but I certainly wasn't in my marriage, my rights counted for nothing and I was afraid of being smacked. When I finally stood up for myself, I did get smacked and my marriage ended. I think that is an issue I am dealing with at the moment, I need to stand up for myself but I am worried it is going to be an awful outcome, I am going to give this more thought.

Thanks for taking the time to chat Geoff, it is so nice to chat with both you and Aly.

JoJo

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 05:31:01 GMT

Aly, I just saw your earlier post today just now. I had posted twice and the first one didn't get published and now it has shown up much later than the second one.

I'm so glad you saved yours and your dog's life when you escaped your last boyfriend. I believed I was nothing too in my marriage but it was their own inadequacies and our lack of self-worth that made us believe that. We are somebody and we deserve happiness.

I'm glad you have two fur kids, they are special and give so much love, hold on to them when you feel at your lowest, I found giving my dog a massage and brushing him helped - he got his knots out and I felt less anxious, win-win. The love I felt for my dog was unconditional just as it is for my son. I am still heartbroken that he died, I feel his presence everywhere - so sometimes when I really miss him, I tell him out loud and it helps.

You are so incredibly strong, you may not feel like you are at this moment, but later on down the track when you are no longer on the medication and you are feeling better you will see that yourself. Be kind and loving to yourself, that is what I am focusing on at the moment, to have compassion for myself and not be judgmental, I am tired from all the self criticism. No one else is doing it to me so I have to stop doing it. JoJo

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 06:07:33 GMT

Thanks so much for ur encouragement JoJo, yes I feel exactly the same as u said u did at 1 point, I never finished school and have no qualifications and the only job I've ever had was at Woolworths when I was 15 and quit school and left home, then life got harder and I struggled more and more with mental illness. I don't even know where to start or what I would really b able to cope with, I've thought about an online animal course so I can do it from home and I've got a spare room and have recently thought about fostering animals, maybe injured and baby animals short term fostering. I've got a long way to go and honestly I'm not very confident that I'll ever b very successful because I have such long periods of time where I just go down completely and I can't even think because my mind is so overwhelmingly stressed and the simplest task is really difficult. Anyway, it sounds like we are all dog lovers, I'm the same with my dog Ruby, her whole life I've been right next to her 24/7, I take her everywhere too. my cat and dog are my best friends in the world and sometimes all I want is to b home with them and not have to face the world outside at all. I think first off I need to think if I can find some small step forward in my life that I can do from home. Even thinking about trying anything right now sends me into a panic attack but hopefully soon I'll be able to at least start thinking about what I could manage.

I think u are very strong to have gotten out of the abusive situation with ur ex, when I was in an abusive relationship, I lost my whole identity, it's like he chipped away at my personality bit by bit and b4 I knew it I had no idea who I was anymore. I know there can be alot of beating yourself up after getting out, it's hard to imagine why on earth u were with them at all. It happens over time subtly and they destroy ur self esteem so u think u deserve it, well, that's how it was for me. I'm still working thru alot of baggage from all that and I feel safer on my own atm. I also have borderline personality disorder so I have a problem with getting into really intense, bad relationships for some reason and I just don't want that to happen again so yeah, better off on my own, I just wonder if I'll ever have a family that's the part that gets me down alot.

Well, stay strong and thanks again for ur support. Aly.

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JoJo_B — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 06:44:55 GMT

Aly, we both need to take things one step at a time, and to be gentle with ourselves. We have been through a lot. I too lost my identity, I was also isolated from everyone and my ex pretty much took over my friendships until they were contacting him and vice versa and I didn't know until we broke up that he was telling my friends I wanted nothing to do with them and I was so confused as to why they acted weird around me or they fell off. That he was doing that was so scary. He had all my passcodes, knew everything about me, I wasn't allowed any privacy and I thought I was nothing. So scary that I had such low self-worth that I am better off on my own until I heal and I am like you, I am no good in bad relationships, next time round it will be with a wonderful person who respects and cares about me but I'm in no hurry, I have lots to do first ie. learning how to stick up for myself without having so much anxiety.

Aly, I have a friend who didn't work until she hit her mid thirties. She had no qualifications nor had she worked because she had been raising her kids. She went and did some training and then got a job. She was worried too and didn't think anyone would hire her but they did and she is doing really well. There are a number of people who don't work until they are older and the reason doesn't really matter. If you have the right attitude and show that you are serious to a prospective boss, you will find a job.

Stay strong Aly and keep the faith that you will get better and be able to have a job and a family. I already can tell that you have a big heart and very caring about others. The most important thing for you is healing. I also wanted to say that you are 28 years old and I work with women who are in their early 40s just beginning their families now. There is always hope. I STILL have people telling me I can meet someone and have a baby....LOL, not for me, I would rather have fur kids!

I worry about where I am at too at my age but I see that there are women who have lost everything and then they get back on their feet again later in life. That is me. I'm changing my life with baby steps and you can too. Even if your goal for the day is to walk to the chemist, then that is an achievement. Take care, JoJo

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 07:17:20 GMT

Hi JoJo, I really appreciate your posts, I can see that u understand where I'm at and it's comforting coz lately I've felt so missunderstood and it makes me isolate myself even more. I especially find it hard being around my brother when I'm going thru a bad patch coz he doesn't want to accept that I have any mental illness and sometimes I feel like he thinks I'm not trying hard enough or I'm letting him down all the time. even tho he's watched me go in and out of hospital over the years with anorexia and anxiety and depression when I've become so unwell. Like u said in 1 of ur posts, it's invisible from the outside so other than the fact that I have been severely under weight at times, no1 can see how much I'm going thru on the inside. I actually didn't go to a family dinner last night to avoid explaining myself, I get very anxious about food and I don't want to eat anything outside my routine meals I eat every day so I feel so awkward sitting at a table not eating. Plus my brother is always suggesting I should get a job and doesn't understand how exhausted I am with depression and ocd thoughts and rituals. I don't have to do as many rituals as b4, like u I grew out of alot of them but my ocd is more internal now with unwanted thoughts that won't stop ect. I am actually really inspired by the things you have posted, u have overcome alot! I feel too tired right now to push myself to fight, it seems I'm always fighting so hard to do things that other people just do without even thinking about. I'm having a low day today so everything is looking even more overwhelming than usual I guess. Anyway, it's nice linking in with ppl who understand. I hope ur having a good day. Aly.

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

JoJo_B — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 08:19:17 GMT

Dear Aly, my day was ok, I have been catching up with studying and it's overwhelming to say the least. Maybe your brother hassling you is his way of showing you he cares? I don't know. Sometimes when people are worried they can come across all judgey or pushy. It's hard when the people who are meant to support you are the ones who don't realise that they aren't. My physical illness can be crippling sometimes and people, even family including my son, don't understand so once again, you pretend that you are fine because you are expected to wear a mask that says you are ok. I think some of my anxiety is over that too because I am constantly hiding my feelings. It's so tiring doing that.

Depression and anxiety is exhausting when you can't sleep, your mind is constantly busy so I hear you Aly and I'm sorry to hear you're having unwanted thoughts, that is really distressing.

I am anxious about food too. Just the thought of being invited out to eat rich unhealthy food freaks me out. I have a tendency to overeat or binge and can't say no to food if it's there so the good thing about being at home is I can monitor what I put in my mouth. I have been bingeing since I was a child to cover the anxiety, I used to steal food from the kitchen cupboards and gorge on it in secret until my stomach was in so much pain that it overrode the anxiety. I also have an issue with digestion because of my illness so I'm changing my diet to hopefully help it. It worries me when I have to restrict certain foods and calories to heal and lose weight because it can set me up for a binge. I went to an eating disorder clinic last year and they were able to help somewhat but not about my physical illness.

Anyway, even though you are tired of fighting, know that you are someone who has meaning in this world, be gentle with yourself and just cuddle your fur kids, they will make you smile. They don't care if you are fat, skinny, or whatever. They love you just the way you are. Wouldn't it be great if all humans were like that?

JoJo

depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

geoff — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 23:31:48 GMT

dear JoJo and Aly, I haven't replied back because you two are having a great conversation between each other, but I am still reading all your posts. L Geoff. x