topic Re: I don't know how I feel in Depression

I don't know how I feel

yours_truly — Sun, 15 Oct 2023 06:06:22 GMT

Hey guys,

So basically I used to be depressed I guess, or maybe I still am i don't really know. I used to be going through a hard time and these days I don't feel as depressed as I was. I don't know what changed, but i'm not happy either. Like it kind of just washed over, i never actually dealt with it. I'm still feeling crappy and like I can almost feel my brain chemistry still muddled up, but I just feel more normal. Is this concerning or does it just imply that I had gotten used to ignoring all of my depression and just sort of put it aside?

Re: I don't know how I feel

Croix — Mon, 16 Oct 2023 11:36:15 GMT

Dear Yours_truly~

Welcome back. You did say at one stage that you had to summon up a lot of effort to get out of bed and shower, I know hte feeling. Hopefully now things have improved a little.

I can't realy judge the significance in the change you noticed, though I know in my own case things get better and worse in waves.

Life sounds as if it is pretty miserable and you don't really have a handle on what is happening. May I ask if you have seen a doctor about this and laid out your circumstances and how you are feeling? The reason I ask is i was unable to improve by myself and only started to get more control and understanding when I had medical assistance.

Now I"m a different person, and while still subject to depression and anxiety they no longer rule my life. I did have the support of my family and htat made a difference too.

Can I ask if you are trying to cope with this in isolation, or do you have anyone you can lean on for a bit?

Croix

Re: I don't know how I feel

smallwolf — Mon, 16 Oct 2023 11:43:35 GMT

hello and welcome.

Thanks for opening up about what you've been going through. It's totally okay to have mixed feelings about your mental health journey. Just so you know, relapses can happen, and it's not a sign of weakness.

I wonder who you have in your life you can lean on? Friends, family, or someone you trust? Talking to someone about how you're feeling can make a big difference. Or consider having a chat with a mental health pro or your GP? They're great at helping folks figure things out and giving support.

Also, think about any strategies that have helped you in the past. Even small things that made you feel better.

Just remember, it's okay not to have everything figured out right now. I hope some of this makes sense, and listening if you want to chat some more.

Re: I don't know how I feel

therising — Mon, 16 Oct 2023 21:29:30 GMT

Hi yours_truly

With sensitivity relating to the ability to sense, you definitely sound like a 'feeler'. You don't feel/sense 'the absolute depths of depression', you don't feel/sense 'complete happiness', you can feel/sense what 'crappy' feels like, you feel/sense your brain chemistry's off and you can feel/sense some degree of what 'normal' feels like. You sound like one seriously tapped in person when it comes to getting a feel for things or a sense of things.

Being a gal who's trying to master feeling my way through life or getting a better sense of things, I have to say this sensitivity business definitely comes with a heck of a lot of challenges. I've found gathering 'keys' (aka tips, strategies, skills etc) is so important. Such keys can help unlock further understanding and ability. A couple of handy keys I've found

Try and identify new feelings. 'I have zero idea what this feeling is but I'm determined to identify it'. All feelings are telling. Pays to work out what a new feeling's trying to tell us. A new feeling typically holds some kind of epiphany
Emotion is said to be 'energy in motion'. The question can become 'What is this kind of energy I'm feeling (label it), how much intensity does it hold (the volume at which it's felt) and how is it moving or not moving through me (is it hyperactive, peacefully flowing or does it have a 'stuck' kind of feel to it)?'. From zero happiness to pure happiness, happiness has a spectrum, from one extreme to the other, that can be felt. What increases the volume of happiness and what decreases it? In other words, what are positive and negative triggers and what is the volume of those triggers? Some triggers will be huge and some tiny. Loads of dopamine can bring us pure or extreme happiness, as can loads of inspiration and energy in general. Next to no dopamine, inspiration and overall energy can put us at the other end of the happiness spectrum. If you're feeling or sensing your brain chemistry's off, chances are you're sensing well. There can be dozens of ways to increase the volume of dopamine, serotonin and all that happy kind of chemistry. Researching and working with relatable ways of increasing certain chemistry can be worth the time and effort. What doesn't work involves what we can't relate to or feel

Sounds like you're trying to get a better feel for things. May sound a bit strange but when I'm trying to get a better feel for things, I try and become super sensitive. Tapping further into the 5 common senses can help with 'up shifts'. Testing every perfume/aftershave in the shop, until you hit on the one that feels like 'pure happiness', is a form of aroma therapy. Music therapy can involve going through a variety of artists or songs while feeling which generates greater levels of energy/excitement. If one proves to be a little exciting, turn the volume up and see if the volume of energy/excitement in you increases. There are a lot of interesting experiments for a super sensitive person. I've found sometimes it's not enough to simply say 'I want to be happy', it's more so be about getting a feel for what generates a greater sense of happiness and what doesn't.

A whole different angle: 'I don't know how to feel because no one has taught me how I'm naturally designed to feel in so many different, strategic, exciting, fascinating and incredible ways'. 'I am a feeler!' is a declaration that precedes the question 'Now, how do I master this ability like a pro?'.🙂

Re: I don't know how I feel

yours_truly — Wed, 27 Dec 2023 01:22:19 GMT

Hey Croix,

I promise I read your response, but I don't think I ever replied.

Looking back, I recall feeling so comforted by the fact that someone out there was listening and voluntarily replied to my story. I definitely and will always be grateful for that!

I did try to cope with it on my own, but I am surrounded by friends that care and are constantly observing, so I doubt I am by myself.

Thanks,

Yours_truly

Re: I don't know how I feel

yours_truly — Wed, 27 Dec 2023 01:24:38 GMT

Hey smallwolf,

The question about strategies really opened my eyes and brought me to understanding that I had to try different things to find out what worked for me, and how I could manage all my feelings. I now take this on with me when I reply to others. I believe your impact on me will have a chain effect and will help someone else to improve their state

Thanks!,

Yours_truly

Re: I don't know how I feel

yours_truly — Wed, 27 Dec 2023 02:02:08 GMT

Hey therising,

I feel like your advice here is a masterpiece. I mean the way you got to every point with such artistic and meaningful approaches is insane to me. It genuinely allows me to take a different perspective and take thing step-by-step, beginning from just the meaning of emotion.

Thanks :),

yours_truly

Re: I don't know how I feel

therising — Wed, 27 Dec 2023 08:24:19 GMT

Hi yours_truly

I'm so glad it felt relatable. I personally love the feel of certain revelations, especially the major ones. So exciting at times.

I can recall when I started to consider a different way of looking at feelings, from getting a feel for certain soulful kinds of emotions or getting a feel for the best way forward through to the basic feelings that come as a side effect of physical issues. I suppose one way of looking at the physical side is 'Not sure what I'm feeling (what the issue is), I'll go and express my feelings (aka symptoms) to my GP and see if he/she knows'.

Whether it's incredible hyperactivity, soul destroying levels of heartache, pure joy, overwhelming peace, emotional numbness (which technically feels like a lack of feeling), the vibe of the pessimist in me vs the vibe of the sage in me, a broken leg, a dehydration headache compared to a tension headache, we're designed to feel so many things in so many different ways.

Can take a lifetime to figure out how to feel everything like a master.

Re: I don't know how I feel

yours_truly — Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:45:47 GMT

Hi therising,

It's wonderful to hear that you find these things exciting, as I find not many people are amused by revelations like such. The change in your mindset is so refreshing, allowing us to understand where it is that we sometimes go wrong. Thinking one way can restrict us from truly expressing ourselves and changing our states for the better.

I find emotional numbness is always a tricky one, because I feel nothing and yet there is so much buried beneath it. Almost like a frozen river, the sea life slowly building, waiting for the ice that traps them to melt or burst. It might never happen, like if you're in the arctic regions, or it may come quicker than usual if you're in a tropical country. I suppose that refers to the situation we put ourselves in. Our mindsets included.

It comes as a topic that could be discussed for a lifetime,

Yours_truly

Re: I don't know how I feel

therising — Thu, 28 Dec 2023 18:34:15 GMT

Hi yours_truly

Ahh, yes, what lies beneath the surface. It's definitely an interesting topic. There have been times where absolute rage in me has come to life out of periods of complete numbness. Begs the question 'Where the heck did that come from?'. I think sometimes we don't realise how well we come to master suppression. It's not until something triggers a 'melt down' that we come to face what's below the surface, everything we thought we'd dealt with (everything that's been masterfully suppressed or so it seemed). It's like the powers that be kind of laugh while proclaiming 'You thought you'd dealt with all that, think again kid. Here it comes. Get ready'. That sheet of ice involved in the melt down can look and sound like 'If I just suck it up, everything will be fine'. Everything gets pushed below that hardened belief.

Sometimes a simple comment can act like a flame thrower at full force. The comment directed at us could simply be 'You're so selfish'. Here it comes, seemingly out of nowhere, out of the numbness, from beneath the surface...the rage fueled rant. 'Selfish?! Just about every single thing I've ever wanted for myself I went without because it didn't suit YOU! You just never wanted to listen because it was too uncomfortable. Every time I wanted to cry with a sense of disappointment but instead put on my big girl panties and just got on with things so YOU could be happy!' And on and on it goes, with the kind of rage seen in people who've just about lost their mind.

Then there can be the more subtle melts here and there, like scattered holes in the ice sheet. Every now and then a revelation pops up to the surface or someone breaks the ice, allowing it to come to the surface for us. When this happens, with the feeling of revelations come great scattered experiences of relief, which can involve relief from believing we're always going to be completely numb. While having gained scatterings of consciousness and the feelings that can accompany those scatterings (relief, a sense of liberation, joy and excitement), there is nothing that compares to the greatest feeling of all and that is the feeling of coming back to life. If the depths of depression feel like a slow soul destroying death, coming back to life feels like heaven on earth. Whether we come to life bit by bit through occasional breakthroughs or it suddenly happens all at once through some major meltdown, the question can sometimes be 'How do I come back to life constructively?'.

Re: I don't know how I feel

yours_truly — Wed, 03 Jan 2024 04:07:20 GMT

Hey therising,

It's insane to think that one moment we are so numb, so tired, so immune to the feelings we suppress, only for them to stab us in the back when we need them least. I think rage is the most common one. I still recall a couple years back when I felt like a zombie, just victim to the repetition of my exhausting life. I thought I could no longer feel, only to lash out in the last minute because the build up was so intense.

It's the little things that contribute the most. Like accidently spilling a little bit of your coffee on your shirt, making too many typos in a row, or even just someone chewing too loud. All of these things have the potential to tip off the boiling and surging disaster lying underneath. Like a single crack on thin ice leading to the whole cover shattering into pieces. We underestimate the importance of management, of understanding and allowing ourselves to process.

A clog in a network of pipelines means the whole thing could fall a part. Just like the pipelines, we need to troubleshoot and cleanse. Free ourselves from what hold us back from thinking about how to come back to life.

Re: I don't know how I feel

therising — Wed, 03 Jan 2024 18:21:50 GMT

Hi yours_truly

Hard to know where the rage comes from at times. Is it the victim in us, with some ranting profession, 'It's not fair. It doesn't matter what I do, nothing seems to work out. I'm sick of it!!!'. Could it be our intolerant sense of self, having some sort of meltdown, 'I'm absolutely fed up. I just can't tolerate one more thing. I'm sick of it!!!'. Perhaps some deeply caring part that proclaims 'I don't care anymore. I refuse to care. It's just too hard and too exhausting. I'm sick of it!!!'. Could simply be the stresser in us, 'I've had enough, this is too overwhelming. I can't breathe. I'm sick of it!!!'. No matter what part's in play, it's the same conclusion, 'I'm sick of it'. Wasn't 'til a few years ago where I had the revelation 'If I throw a 'because' in there, it reads 'I'm sick because of it', whatever it is''. It's an interesting declaration, 'I'm sick of it', which always points to the reasons for such a sense of dis-ease. 'I'm sick because of no sense of victory, because of no sense of relief, because of no sense of a carefree life, because of no sense of peace'. Such things can impact us at a mental level, a physical level and even a soulful level.

I have to thank you, with all my heart. You speaking of pipelines and blockages has led me to remember something I had long forgotten about...the importance of unblocking channels while developing the ability to identify what the blockages are about. How can we hope to channel the adventurer in us if that channel is blocked? How can we hope to channel our fun loving self or our soulful sense of self or our hyperactive self or the visionary/seer in us etc if the channels are blocked? Now, the questions become seemingly never ending when it comes the blockages as well as what's creating a general lack of flow that can be felt in depressing ways? For example, can I not feel the flow through the channel between myself and the seer in me because that part of me needs solid goals in order to see? Is there no flow, no connection because of no goals? Are the blockages about all the depressing things I focus on from the past, through an imagination that relies on me seeing constructive things in the future (whether that future is 5 seconds from now or 5 years)? How about the adventurer in me? If I'm relying on money to strengthen the channel between myself and the adventurer in me, there will be no flow through that channel if there's no money. The adventurer in us doesn't solely rely on money when some adventures come for free. Are the blockages about spending too much time watching Netflix or maybe they involve a lack of good health and a lot of bad habits which block me from having adventures that demand a greater level of fitness? On and on it goes. Logic says if I unblock the pipelines or channels and find ways to create energetic or exciting flows through a lifestyle that promotes energy production, I should come to life through whatever I choose to channel. All good in theory. The real test comes with practice. Sounds like a project there. 😊