topic Re: My first post. Depression in Depression

My first post. Depression

G_S — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 09:56:46 GMT

I wanted to try this. I’m seeing a psychologist atm but that’s only every 3 weeks or so. I feel awful a lot of the time and just really want to share that with others because I have to put on a brave face all the time. Only a couple of people know I struggle with depression sometimes and poor emotional regulation, and I don’t want to overload them with how negative I feel all the time. They are really supportive and I do share with them but it’s not fair on them if I’m always negative. Giving this forum a try…

Re: My first post. Depression

mmMekitty — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 12:09:34 GMT

Oh, hello G_S, so this is your first post? I found your other a few minutes ago.

Anyhow, welcome, again!

I had found feeling down & thinking how down I felt so much of the time was draining on myself. I didn't tell people around me either. It was a long time before I said anything to anyone, & the person I spoke to wasn't someone I should have trusted.

I came here at a time when my PDr (psychiatrist) was going on holiday, so I wouldn't be seeing him for a few weeks. I was dreading the time & felt I needed a little support, like, to keep me afloat.

People I've met here have been very kind & supportive, generous with their thoughts & time taken to talk to me.

I try to do the same now, where I can, when I can. I have found reaching out to others in an effort to help them has helped me.

I have learned a lot here. I find it hard to believe people have felt I have helped them. I'm learning to accept this might actually be true, & to feel good about that idea.

Turns out my PDr is going on holiday again soon, so I won't be speaking to him until Sept 27. It feels like a long time until then. Coming here, I can talk to some people, vent a little, if I need, too.

Otherwise, I try to keep busy, now, going out with a new support worker, to exercise, gydrotherapy, social things, parks, maybe we'll do the beach soom, or shopping. Another worker is returning to work next week. I'll be happy to see her again.

Doing more to care for myself has been helpful, boosting my self-esteem, while not caring for myself was a reason to think putting myself down was reasonable. I feel like I've have turned my whole brain upside down! It's bumpy, not perfect by any means, but a lot better than it was.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: My first post. Depression

therising — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 19:45:45 GMT

Hi G_S

I think it's about who we talk to that tends to make a difference. In some cases it's so important to express our self to those who typically make a difference to us. They become our guides in some way and with their forms of enlightenment they light the way through dark parts of our path in life. I figure too, if I want to 'recharge' those who guide me in some way (seeing my negativity can sometimes be draining) I'll tell them how genuinely inspiring they are and how much their care means to me. I kind of see it as a trade, for their service to me. I pay with kindness and thanks.

This business of self understanding can be a seriously tough business, that's for sure. I like to see it as every time I come to understand myself a little better, I go up a level. I've found being stuck on a level can definitely become depressing for a whole variety of reasons. Being stuck on a level can mean having to work with some seriously tough inner dialogue, some exhaustion and a terrible lack of energy at times, a kind of soul destroying emptiness, some confusion, challenging emotions and the list goes on. Once I hit on some revelation/s, I can feel the rise to next level understanding. Such hard work at times, raising our self.

I think one of the greatest revelations I faced, if it's of any help, was...I can feel myself stuck in a depressing challenge. Put a different way, it may be the nature of the challenge to be depressing and I can feel that. The problem is I can't always identify what the challenge is really all about. To offer 3 very different examples

Mentally, our inner critic is a mongrel at times. The challenge for me was to 1)identify it as 'the inner critic', 2)understand what/who triggers it to life, 3)know how to manage it and 4)work out how to practice channeling the inner sage in me which always overrides the inner critic
It's not necessarily obvious what physical factors are leading to depression. For example, I had no idea a depressing lack of B12 could lead to depression until I felt myself at that level and it was identified through blood tests. Whether it involves B12, iron, dopamine, serotonin or something else, a chemical deficiency can be felt
From a soulful perspective, we're born to feel. So, technically feeling is not a fault, it's an ability. The challenge becomes about learning skills in that ability and figuring out how it works. For example, while we might have been taught to ignore or suppress anger the whole of our life up 'til now, the skill may come down to tapping into enough of it in order to know what's behind it. There's skill in meeting with anger constructively

It can feel almost impossible to get a sense of why we're feeling the way we are or what we're feeling. It's my deepest wish for you that revelations and light begin to come your way. ❤️

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 21:31:47 GMT

Thank you for your response. That was very thoughtful and personal. Are you someone who works for Beyond Blue or just someone who likes to write thoughtful comments. M

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 21:35:23 GMT

Thank you for your reply. I feel

a little awkward about posting which I need to get over because I think it will be good for me. I feel a tension of wanting to be better and feel better, and not sure really where to start. Whether I just distract myself and increase my mood and then have some self reflection or whether I have some self reflection and hope that lifts my mood.
I’m not sure.

Re: My first post. Depression

therising — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 04:56:56 GMT

Hi G_S

I like to come here to the forums for a couple of reasons. The main reason is because I hate the thought of people suffering alone. It's such a horrible feeling that lonely feeling. We can be surrounded by people but it can still feel lonely when no one can relate to how we feel. Another reason for coming here relates to the inspiration, insight, compassion and beautiful sensitive natures of those who can sense so much yet suffer through what they sense at the same time. The world can be filled with insensitive people who have the opposite nature of those who come to the forums here.

The revelations we share when it comes to our sufferance can help in identifying certain feelings we maybe haven't been able to put our finger on, until someone offers a unique perspective. I think about White Knight (Tony), a regular on the forums. I never realised how depressing waiting could become until I found myself waiting for others in my life to change. It was Tony who opened my mind to the idea of how waiting can feel at times, how depressing it can get in its extreme. This led me to stop waiting for others to make a difference. Some people will never change because it suits them not to. How to get on with life while no longer waiting becomes the ultimate challenge in this case.

I suppose this is where people come to sometimes simply vent dis-ease (unease) at an emotional level and/or make better sense of things and/or find their 'stepping stones'. From one step to the next, one after the other, sometimes it's about figuring out what the next step is along our path (what it looks like) and it can also be about figuring out what's stopping us from moving forward, keeping us glued to the spot (while feeling how incredibly tough that spot can be).

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 11:12:19 GMT

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your thoughtful response and kind words. I’ve appreciated the feedback I’ve been given while on the forum. Do you post regularly? Do you find it helps with your mental health?

Re: My first post. Depression

therising — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 17:18:15 GMT

Hi G_S

I try and come here daily. I find it definitely helps with my mental health. I think because we've all lived different experiences, this offers a lot of different perspectives to open my mind to. So many genuinely kind and thoughtful people here, yourself included. 🙂

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 21:54:50 GMT

I’ve been blown away at the level of kindness. I’m going to stay for a while. I agree, there’s opportunity for different perspectives, and I think most of the time, I just need an adjustment in perspective.

I’m doing CBT at the moment with a psychologist. I didn’t expect that talking about my problems would bring so much shame. Since I went to the dr and started this mental health plan, I’ve been constantly fighting the inner critic telling me I’m so stupid and weird and I should be better.

I’m making a commitment to fight that voice and not allow feelings to overwhelm me. It’s a classic David and Goliath scenario.

Thank you again for replying. I appreciate it.

Re: My first post. Depression

therising — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 18:23:55 GMT

Hi G_S

I'm so glad you've decided to stay and share both your challenges and your insights. You'd be amazed by the number of people who come here, based on challenges they face, who end up opening the mind of others in the process.

Shame is a brutal thing. For the sake of my mental health, I've managed to redefine it over time. I've come to define it as a horrible social construct, designed to belittle or degrade. I feel it's designed to torture people in some way. I don't know of anyone who has evolved through shame although I do know a number of people who have evolved through having redefined that emotion, to be something altogether different. If an emotion is simply a particular energy in motion that we can feel moving within us or being triggered to life at any given time, I've found the question can be 'What is that energy really about?'. So, if it's not shame, what is it?

I've found a really good book for understanding and managing inner dialogue to be 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. It's just one way of looking at inner dialogue. He's a guy who writes with a great sense of humour and incredible insight. With the idea that we have a number of different facets that make up who we are, he speaks of how such facets can come into being, getting a sense of which one's in play, finding ways to manage them and even use them to our advantage and a whole lot more.

Btw, I figure if 'weird' means being quirky, unusual, occasionally questionable, a little outside the square and all that stuff, I love being weird. I'm happy to wear that title as a badge of honour. If 'normal' means working hard to say and do everything that's acceptable, working hard to live inside the square and working hard to suppress some natural aspects of who I am (not honouring my nature), being normal is just too much hard and sometimes depressing work. 😊

Re: My first post. Depression

Richju — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 09:42:27 GMT

Dear G_S,

You have come to the right place!

I fully understand that you don't want to discuss these issues with your friends too often but at this forum we welcome your posts because we are aware how important it is to unburden yourself.

Please keep writing and we can support you because we've all been there.

Looking forward to your next post.

Richju xx

Re: My first post. Depression

Richju — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 10:04:46 GMT

Dear Therising,

I don't believe there is such a thing as normal. I am normal being me and you are normal being you, so normal can't really be defined.

Let's have individuality instead. We are all so different so we can add our individuality to colour the world.

Now in my seventies, I'm learing to accept myself as I am, after years of straining to be perfect.

This is me, warts and all. You take it or leave it.

Lots if love,

Richju (who loves herself as well) xxxx

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 09:26:37 GMT

Thank you for saying my contribution is welcome. Thankful for commenting on my post. I’m struggling to keep writing so I appreciate you saying to keep doing it.

I think this is part of the process of climbing out of the hole I’ve been in.

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 09:30:49 GMT

Thank you again for commenting.

I’m learning to reframe my thinking. There are so many things I’m ashamed of (that I shouldn’t be) and I’m learning to face them and reframe them one by one.

I’m so easily triggered right now but I believe I will have strength after I’ve dealt with them all individually. Then I won’t feel so overwhelmed by shame.

I’m learning to rewrite my narrative. The story I believe about myself. Right now it’s a pretty sad one.

God help me.

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 09:59:45 GMT

I’m working so hard at strengthening my mental health. I feel sad. I feel shame. I feel angry. I know it’s unrealistic to feel good all the time but I just wanted to say that I feel those things now.

I’m going to bed.

The hard work will continue tomorrow.

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 10:13:20 GMT

Hi.

I just feel so alone. I know other people struggle, everyone does. I just don’t know what to do to not feel alone. I feel sad and I don’t really know who to tell.

I feel like I need to tell others but I don’t know who.

does anyone have any advice?

Re: My first post. Depression

mmMekitty — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 12:03:13 GMT

Hi G_S

Advice? Talking here is a good start. It's good because we are all anonymous here, you don't have to write or post anything you aren't comfortable about. However, it might be worth taking a chance on posting something that does feel uncomfortable & learnig from doing that, that you can live with being uncomfortable. You can also discover people here won't try to shame or blame or guilt you about anything. You can also discover other people have very similar feelings & thoughts as you do & this might help you feel less alone.

I finally found my PDr, who has helped me see other ways of viewing myself & my past. He is helping me to regard myself as important, worthy, deserving, & he has helped me put into context how I'd been thinking & feeling about my past & moving towards having some compassion & understanding about my younger self. Sure I made some mistakes, but these are not faults of mine. Some things happened that I had no control over, so there is no shame or guilt or blame to level at myself.

That's why I'd also encourage you to talk to your psychologist.

I don't know, you might have people around you, who you could trust & confide in. You know better than I, if there are.

I don't know where you live, if there is a support group you could possibly join. That could be something you'd like to do.

Maybe your psychologist knows of a group you might be able to join, or maybe a GROW group? These are peer groups meeting to support each other on their journey to mental health. Search for GROW Australia.

You are definitely not alone. There really are many, many people who are struggling with their mental health, with their feelings & thoughts, many lonely people, too. Some will be around about the same place in their journey.

I've been working on my own mental health since 1993, & spent 20 odd years not dealing with it before that, that is, since I was a young teenager, (& maybe earlier).

After all this time, one thing I know for sure is that it does get better. You will learn ways to look at your feelings & to monitor your mental health & manage any difficult times that you will have.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: My first post. Depression

therising — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 18:58:27 GMT

Hi G_S

With you mentioning reframing, I suppose you could say if shame is a kind of frame that surrounds a clear picture and that frame is so upsetting and distracting to the point where it becomes the main focus, we'll never be able to see a clear picture as long as that frame is there.

If there is shame around social anxiety, once you remove that frame you could start seeing all the finer details that relate to a sense of social anxiety or stress, all the reasons and triggers, and eventually step back to see the overall picture which suddenly makes complete sense. If there's shame surrounding being sensitive, once you remove that frame you could start seeing all the finer details that relate to sensitivity and eventually step back to see the overall picture. In this case, you may even say 'Wow, I had no idea I could sense so much, so easily and so deeply. I had no idea how tuned in I am to feeling'. Even if it's our anger we're ashamed of, as long as our anger is framed by shame, we may never come to know why that anger's there or how it gradually came into being. We may never come to see the overall picture or the finer details.

Shame is so destructive. It can get in the way of so many things. When it's overwhelming, it can get in the way of seeing the overall picture and finer details, get in the way of an apology (if we're feeling too ashamed to approach a person who we've upset), get in the way of responsibility (the ability to respond to situations or people constructively), get in the way of self forgiveness and self love and the list goes on. I've only ever found one good reason for relating to shame. These days when I feel it, I feel it as a call to identify which social belief it relates to. This way it feels like a call to greater awareness, as opposed to a call to sufferance.

It's my wish for you that you come to reframe everything in liberating ways. ❤️

Re: My first post. Depression

therising — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 19:52:51 GMT

Hi Richju

There is definitely so much hard work in the lead up to the liberating proclamation to the world 'I am colourful and I love myself for that!'. There is so much letting go in the lead up. I think, in hindsight, it's kind of like you start off as you and then so many people and aspects of society dictate, in one way or another, 'We will only accept you as long as you can behave in this way and that way. So follow the rules and guidelines or be prepared to suffer'. My heart really goes out to kids setting out in life.

While there are plenty of social rules and guidelines that promote a healthy and happy society (like with certain laws for example), there are definitely loads of them that promote some form of sufferance. I have a deep admiration for social rebels throughout history who have refused to accept rules that promote their sufferance and the sufferance of others. Our world evolves for the better because of such people. And in our own world, when the rebel in us comes to life, there is liberation in that too. When our inner rebel starts to come to life, dictating in one way or another 'I am here to give you your freedom. Are you prepared to fight for your right to be you?', can be hard to get the people pleaser in us to be quite and take a back seat. I smile when I say if it's my inner rebel that's doing the driving (being the driving force behind my positive choices and behavior), the people pleaser in me cannot help but be a back seat driver on occasion...'You can't go that way! What will people think of you?!'.

As the rebel in me is pushing me to put another purple hair dye in on the weekend (or maybe I'll do pink), it's excited by imagining all the people who will state their disapproval of my colour choice. 'Bring it on!' I hear the rebel in me say. Btw, it was some years back when people started to say to me 'Gee you're going grey. You really need to start dying your hair'. It was the rebel in me that eventually came to life with 'They want colour? You give them colour girl!'. 😂 Up 'til then, people's comments about my greying hair, amongst a host of other things they disapproved of, were rather depressing and degrading. The rebel in us can be such a liberating natural self esteem booster.😊 ❤️

Re: My first post. Depression

G_S — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 21:22:48 GMT

Thank you so much for replying.

I feel this tension. Feeling sad and other feelings are such a huge part of my thinking but I talk to no one about them. That’s not authentic. I’m only putting the ‘presentable’ parts of myself to the world.

I want to help people and I think part of that is not pretending I have it all together. It’s almost like I want to tell the world how messed up I am. How I struggle with emotions. I don’t really know what to expect after that and why I would really want to present that.

I suppose feeling ashamed is lonely.

I think it upsets me when people don’t listen, talk about themselves selfishly, or make it sound like all you need to do is blah, blah, blah.

I care about them but I don’t really know what I want.