topic Re: Am i real? in Depression

Am i real?

frankoceanisbae — Fri, 25 Aug 2023 13:06:14 GMT

i hate the feeling of not feeling real.

im in year 11 and next year will be my last year of school and honeslty it terrifies me. i have no idea what i want to do or achieve when im "older" like why am i here? what is my purpose? and i feel like i cant be sad becuase i have so many things to be greatful for, but deep down i'm not happy. its so hard to explain this feeling like its not numbness but im not happy. i think its the mood swings from being happy when im with friends then sad and upset when im in my room and alone.

I dont want to ask my bestfriend for help becuase i know her life was so much tougher than mine and i dont want anyone feeling bad for me and saying sorry. my sister was diagnosed with depresssion ages ago and now is fine, so i feel like i cant ask for help becuase i dont want to end up like how my sister was.

i get these random episodes of dissassociation quite frequently and when i snap out of it i feel so fake, its like gettting deja vu, it freaks me out and really makes me think like wtf just happened and then i get this wave of dissassosiation and it repeats. a never ending cycle.

i just want to be happy and 'normal'

Re: Am i real?

therising — Fri, 25 Aug 2023 21:23:11 GMT

Hi frankoceanisbae

Life sounds like such a torturous experience for you and my heart goes out to you as you try to make sense of it all. It's so incredibly tough when we're looking for answers that will begin to make all the difference for us and we just can't seem to find them.

I used to think I'd feel so happy and zen-like once I started to become a more conscious gal but with 'waking up' to the deeper more soulful questions in life I found the problem is it can involve a really disorientating 'Where am I? Who am I really? Why am I here?' factor. Some would describe this feeling of 'waking up' or becoming more conscious as 'the state between being asleep and being fully conscious' if that makes sense. It can become a surreal kind of experience for some.

While I'm now a 53yo gal, I can recall back when I was 35 and going through one hell of a time. It was when I first came out of long term depression and my brain did some seriously weird 'rewiring' thing. In the process there were days that felt mind blowing, where I felt 'one with the world', had massive amounts of energy and felt like I had all the answers to life or at least access to them and then there were days where my reality looked and felt depressing. The only way I can think to describe it is it felt like I was swinging back and forward between 2 different realities. I felt like I was going insane and I appeared to others that way too. It went on for about 6 weeks until I started to develop 'grounding' strategies and found a sense of balance that led me out of that period.

Wasn't until some years later that I came across an article that described perfectly how that period in my life felt. For the first time, I'd found a different way of looking at what the world of psychiatry would call 'psychotic episodes'. Of course, this is not everyone's cup of tea but simply a different or interesting way of looking at the '2 different realities' factor...Whatever people wish to call it (that which follows the dark night of the soul, spiritual awakening, spiritual emergency or whatever), I wish I'd known about it at the time, as there are a lot of tips for managing it from that perspective.

Whether what we experience at times is due to tricks or glitches of the brain or soulful kinds of experiences, who knows. What I do know though, from my own experience, it's the avenue of research we choose to go down that determines how we manage whatever it is we're facing. Sometimes I'll research how the mind works, sometimes how the body works and sometimes how some natural element of us work.

Around the age of 16 or so, is a seriously tough age. It's a stage where we may be triggered to begin seriously questioning who we really are, why we're here (what's our purpose) and the direction we most need to head in. It's a stage in life where the most guidance may be needed. Identifying the best guides is one of the many keys/skills we can begin collecting. 'A collector of keys/skills' is a positive identity.

Re: Am i real?

David35 — Sat, 26 Aug 2023 06:29:56 GMT

I used to get this when I was normal, like an out of body experience where I feel vague. I think it's a hormonal thing. I also used to get it when I took sudafed for a cold, which I no longer use. It's nothing to be worried about, just a bit weird. Sometimes I felt like everything was on fast forward.

Don't try to work your whole life out. Just try and keep your options open. I'm 46 and still don't know what my purpose is.

Re: Am i real?

tranzcrybe — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 02:26:46 GMT

Sadness, boredom, melancholy, are all emotions that aren't necessarily to be shunned. We actually need these to offset the many stimulants of modern society in order to restore balance to our turbulent lifestyle and hopefully find our own 'normal'. The flipside to this is usually measured in the extremes of one to the other and there seems to be an imbalance in how you feel about yourself compared to the importance of being with your friends.
But with all this mental traffic going back and forth, it's not that surprising that sometimes things get jammed and we just need to detach and reset.
We are an adaptable species and will invariably design ourselves around the environment of the day - normal and real being more a state of flux than any fixed ideal.

Re: Am i real?

sbella02 — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 06:55:21 GMT

Frankoceanisbae,

My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and I welcome you to the forums.

It's very common to feel how you're feeling at the end of high school, particularly the dissociation. It's a strange time, because it represents one of the more difficult transitions of our lifetime - ending our childhood and emerging into adulthood. There's no guide to how you're meant to be living the rest of your life, and your future is in your hands. It can be terrifying. I had no idea what I wanted to do beyond school, so I threw myself into a degree that I hoped I would like and it ended up being a good decision for me.

There's no harm in experimenting with what you want to do, even if it takes you a few goes to find a career or life path that you're happy with. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to choose something that you like being good at, not just that you like, or are good at. Something that you excel in, but also enjoy.

There's no pressure to find your purpose right now, or even in the next few years. That's something that many people will take an entire lifetime to find. Sometimes it comes to us quite naturally and quickly, and sometimes it doesn't, and that's okay.

I would encourage you, if you would feel comfortable, to reach out to your friend (or other friends if you'd like) about how you're feeling. You don't necessarily have to share all of what you're experiencing, but sharing your feelings may help you to relate and bond together. If you approach it from the angle of "do you also feel like this sometimes?" or "have you ever felt ____?", you may find the conversation to be more reassuring and therapeutic. Talking to people can be really, really helpful. Shared experiences and common ground are one way to do so.

I hope this helps, and please feel free to continue chatting with us. We're always willing to offer support.

All the best, SB

Re: Am i real?

frankoceanisbae — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 12:25:51 GMT

this made me sob, thank you.

Re: Am i real?

frankoceanisbae — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 12:33:39 GMT

thank you so much.

Re: Am i real?

frankoceanisbae — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 12:35:12 GMT

thank you, hopfeully it pasts.

Re: Am i real?

therising — Fri, 17 May 2024 13:54:27 GMT

Hi frankoceanisbae

I'm so sorry I never saw your reply 'til now. How are you feeling at this point in your life?

Re: Am i real?

frankoceanisbae — Fri, 17 May 2024 14:11:11 GMT

Hi thank you for the check up,

I'm still scared of a lot of things. growing up terrifies me. I'm going to be turning 18 in November and it truly makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry. I have no idea what i want to do/be. I have no guidance. all my "friends" already have ideas of university ect, but like i get told to go to school and i do it. it feels like i just want someone to tell me to do something with my life and i finally do it. i dont know whats wrong with me..

Re: Am i real?

therising — Fri, 17 May 2024 16:13:47 GMT

Hi frankoceanisbae

While I never went on to study at uni, my daughter did a few years back. She'll tell you what a majority of people in her situation will tell you and that is 'Don't go unless you're passionate about studying something, otherwise you get into debt for no good reason'. She felt compelled to pick what she thought she'd like to do a course in (kinda like better than nothing at all). She's taken a break to figure out what she wants to passionately study. On the other hand, my son who completed year 12 last year had been passionate about studying marine biology since the age of 4. A diagnosis of high functioning autism last year helped explain why he struggled to gain the ATAR he needed. So, he'll be looking at a pathway in the future while developing certain skills in the meantime. Btw, a struggle with focus (on things that aren't fascinating) has always been his greatest challenge. His passion now is to 'make bank' while figuring out what kind of job will allow him to do that. Goes to show that everyone's different. There's no 'one size fits all' way of doing life.

Everyone needs a guide at certain times in their life, especially when there's no solid sense of direction. Some people can see the way forward and some can't. Even the ones who are good at seeing the way forward lose vision at times, for one reason or another. Again, a guide or a seer is a must on such occasions (someone who can see for us while sharing their vision with us).

I've found seeing or having some kind of vision can get tricky. For example, while I may not be able to exactly see the job I want to apply for, what I might be able to see is myself making a certain amount of money each week while helping and caring for others. It's a vague vision but one nonetheless. A process of elimination comes into play. Do I want to go to uni and study nursing? No. Now I can clearly see I won't be going to uni to study nursing. Do I want to care for specific types of people, such as the elderly or people with intellectual challenges or kids? If caring for the elderly or people with intellectual challenges appeals to me, I can now see myself going to TAFE for further education in one of those fields. The vision begins to expand, bit by bit.

I think what can help at times is to figure out our nature. If we've always been someone who's cared deeply for animals, it's in our nature to care for animals. Whether we volunteer to do that or gain paid employment in that area is us up to us and our abilities and skill base. Of course, we can always gain further abilities and skills, through education or experience. If we've always been someone who absolutely thrives in social settings, could be in our nature to become a bar tender. So on and so on. Perhaps the question is 'What is your nature?'. If you're not sure, perhaps this is the ultimate challenge right now, figuring out what brings you or used to bring you a sense of joy. Who are you naturally?

Re: Am i real?

sbella02 — Sun, 19 May 2024 10:52:50 GMT

Frankoceanisbae,

Lovely to hear from you again.

What you're feeling is very normal for your age, even if you feel as if your peers may have their lives and careers mapped out. I had no idea what I wanted to do beyond school, and I looked at many different career ideas before settling on my degree.

There are skills and career aptitude tests that you can take online to give you a little bit of direction if you're struggling to find ideas of what to do beyond school. I know that Seek offers a careers test. Even if you don't already have a part-time job, finding something just to get your foot in the door and get a little taste of what work life could look like for you may be helpful.

Have you done part-time or casual work before? If this is a feasible option, given school workload and/or other extracurricular commitments as well.

With regards to you turning 18, I also had similar anxieties around my birthday as well. Truth be told, I didn't really feel any different after turning 18, even though I thought I would change significantly. What are your main thoughts around turning 18, if I may ask? Is it getting older, the thought of having more responsibility, or the thought of adulthood in general perhaps?

Re: Am i real?

frankoceanisbae — Sun, 19 May 2024 12:10:47 GMT

thank you for the response!

i have done lots is casual work and currently i work at supermarket, its okay but its money. the times i have done a skills test, its just said job i know aren’t me. and truth be told i am scared of growing up. like it really scares me. i think ive missed out on so much of my childhood, i dont want to let it go. i’m scared that ill never have a purpose in the next year or so and it really scares me. i’m not smart enough for uni and im just scared ill that i won’t be anything.

Re: Am i real?

sbella02 — Sun, 26 May 2024 08:36:33 GMT

Personally, I think that being "smart" is subjective. I argue that hard work and interest in the subject are just as (if not more) important than prior knowledge or being able to comprehend things quickly. I once had a friend whose dream was to pursue aviation and, even though she believed that she wasn't very book smart, she followed through on her dream with her hard work and dedication to her studies. She was in the school library more than anyone else I knew, and she'd always ask teachers for help if she wasn't sure about something. She ended up doing quite well and got into aviation, which she's now finished and is officially a pilot. If you end up choosing something that you enjoy doing, you may find it'll motivate you to work on it more, and you'll become better at answering questions and applying this knowledge.

I remember feeling woefully underprepared for uni. I also remember speaking to others my age who were in the same boat. You may find that you adapt better than you think you're going to. And if you're struggling, there are always measures you can take to help yourself out - getting tutored, group study sessions with other peers, asking your professors, online topic-specific forums etc.

You're at the age where you're still discovering who you are, including where you feel like you want your life to take you. It's okay not to know at this stage, while it may feel scary. In my experience, it's better to go into something that's worthwhile with your fears rather than letting fear hold you back from the opportunity to grow, learn, and make memories.

The supermarket is generally where a lot of my friends had part-time work as well, and I still have a lot of friends who work there while studying or trying to find other work. It can be a good stepping stone to other jobs, even if you're not entirely enjoying it at the moment.

May I ask, what do you feel that you've missed out on in childhood? Is it related to people, experiences, freedom?

I would argue that these feelings can, in a sense, be recreated in adulthood. Whether it's reconnecting with your hobbies or interests, trying out new activities, surrounding yourself with people who bring you the same sense of joy, these feelings don't have to disappear after you grow into an adult. There's joy and wonder in every stage of life, and that's something I'm learning more and more.

😊