topic Re: Fragmented in Depression

Fragmented

indigo22 — Sun, 23 Jul 2023 05:43:22 GMT

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

Re: Fragmented

mmMekitty — Sun, 23 Jul 2023 07:10:20 GMT

Hi Indigo22

I'm glad you have reached out to the community here today. I've had years, too, when I felt like I was nothing, like nothing was left of me after many times of being hurt, feeling precisely as if a little of me was killed each time.... I still do not socialise much. I have no close friends, & lose track of the casual friends easily.

I had taken to using my creativity to express myself, with the idea that no-one had to see what I'd written or painted. I didn't even have to look at it after I'd done it. I felt, since what I'd experienced really didn't matter to anyone else, it didn't matter to me - at least that's what I told myself, so it didn't feel so bad.

I spent many years drifting, sort of existing rather than living & making decisions for myself, thinking anything about what I want or need, getting into horrible relationships, & having to get out of them again.

Long time, & years later, I can say it does get better. Not being religious, I still need to say, it takes a little leap of faith, trusting someone to listen to you, & for you to talk openly to them about how you are thinking & feeling, seriously thinking about & answering their questions seriously & taking their suggestions equally as seriously.

If you don't have a therapist you feel you can trust enough, just enough for now, then it may be time to find one.

Sometimes all you need to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When you can't manage on your own, leaning on us is okay, too. That's what we're here for.

If you'd rather, the BB Counsellors are on Ph: 1300 224 636, or use the link to Chat Online at the bottom of the page.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Sun, 23 Jul 2023 07:43:23 GMT

Thanks mmMekitty,

I did have many years of counselling so I don't think that is what I need. I managed to put a lot into perspective over the years, but living in a version of 'groundhog day' and waiting to get that spark of life back is growing tiresome. I know what to say to others but when it comes to helping myself, I seem to lose the plot.

Re: Fragmented

therising — Sun, 23 Jul 2023 08:31:39 GMT

Hi indigo22

I'm not sure it if will be of any help but, with a number of depressing periods for me, I eventually found over time it wasn't so much about trying to regain a sense of happiness or some sense of peace, it more so became about bringing some new part of me to life or some pre-existing part of me back to life in new ways. When such parts come to life, the result is typically an emotionally positive one. Should add that the lead up in such a process can at times be challenging, stressful and/or depressing in some ways. Can be far from easy to do, give birth to or resuscitate parts of our self or lay parts of who we were to rest. It can prove to be exhausting work.

To name a few examples, I think a sense of happiness and peace can be found in playing it safe but only up to the point where safe playing works. When it no longer works, when it's not enough anymore (to satisfy), 'The risk taker' in us may be the part that longs to help us reconnect with happiness, excitement, satisfaction etc. Maybe there's a part of us that longs to wonder in far greater ways than what we're used to. 'The wonderer' in us may wonder what creative thing it is that we can do next. Instead of going out to buy a new set of brushes, a canvas, beads or something else, perhaps wondering what it may be like to redecorate or create a whole new look for the entire house could be the call (next level creativity we can be proud of and excited by). While 'The people pleaser' in us may no longer fulfill us when it comes to maintaining a sense of peace, perhaps it's because 'The rebel' in us or some intolerant sense of self is just screaming 'ENOUGH OF TRYING TO PLEASE AND NOT ROCK THE BOAT! DEMAND MORE PEOPLE PUT THE EFFORT INTO PLEASING YOU!'.

I think being sensitive presents challenges when we can sense some need to be met. If you can't pinpoint the need, it can feel frustrating and depressing. Can feel like a kind of limbo or nothingness between who we were and who we're going to be. A feeling I also find difficult to manage comes with the comment 'You should be grateful for what you have'. I feel that as 'You should be happy to settle for what you have'. While I am grateful for the luxuries I am truly blessed to have, I cannot settle within a depressing need for change, a depressing lack of something, which can be so deeply felt at times. I've found solid guidance, support and inspiration to be key when there is a part of me that needs to come to life beyond what I'm grateful for. So so soooo much easier when someone tells you what that deep soulful sense of longing is actually about. I think my current longing is for a serious sense of excitement, something I haven't felt for some time. I long to feel life run through me. I can feel 'The excitement seeker' champing at the bit to come to life 🙂

Re: Fragmented

mmMekitty — Sun, 23 Jul 2023 11:01:23 GMT

Indigo22, I'm sorry I didn't understand you have already been in counselling & are not interested in that now.

How true it seems to me, that it is so much easier to see how we might help or give to others than it is to do likewise for ourselves. Most strikingly how I could see how someone else's relationship was unhealthy, but it took me, at least six months, & many years in a couple instances, to see that I needed to leave the relationships I was in. Rather like not being able to accept how smelly my cigarette smoke was to others until I quit smoking - now I am so sensitive to it I can't tolerate being around people who smoke.

So, I'm trying to be more sensitive to what is in my own best interest & what is not. It's not always so easy to do when other people's needs are of interest to me, too.

Even in our misery we can find a sort of comfort - it's what we know & trying something else feels risky, maybe even frightening. I struggle with that.

I'm facing the idea of having to change how I live day to day, with needing more support workers around me, maybe even living with someone, who would support me. It feels very daunting, because I have had a strong sense of my home (this small unit), as being my safe place, where I am in control & doing what I want when I want. Now, if a place can be found for me, I will have to have more workers to do things, such as helping with cooking, more house work help, some personal care, helping me keep track of appointments & getting me to them, my 'paperwork', too.... i am struggling to do these things on my own, so must consider even bigger changes than I have already accepted.

I doubt I could have faced these decisions I've had to make without help & support to.

I suppose, making small changes, like I did when looking at my eating habits, is a way to begin. The small changes can lead to larger changes, & having something to strive for & achieve could also help.

Maybe my thoughts are useful, or not. I hope they are, if not for you, than to someone else reading.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: Fragmented

divine_inner_goddess — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 01:03:53 GMT

Hi indigo22,

Yes, I can relate to being sensitive and creative. It's hard living in a busy modern world when one is sensitive and creative! For me, I seem to easily absorb the energy around me and it can feel heavy and exhausting sometimes, and to regulate myself I have to pull back and spend time with myself, nature, my cats, play soothing music, breathe, meditate etc. Just being in the world takes it's toll.

I can relate to the groundhog feeling too, going through the motions. I have had many bouts of depression over the years. I'm struggling with a really bad patch at the moment too. I find chores and day to day things very hard. And the creative spark isn't always there. I don't play guitar as much as I used to and when I sit down to write a story it doesn't seem to be as enjoyable as it used to be. Sometimes it feels like I am just biding my time, twiddling my thumbs waiting until I get better...

For me, I try to find joy in paying attention to really small things. Like a bird perched on a branch swaying in the breeze. Or sipping my favourite tea, or a beach walk and feeling the ocean swirl around my feet, or watching my cats playing. I try and pick something different each day so it doesn't all feel the same. One day I might go for a walk in nature. Another day I might read a book and drink cups of tea all day. Another day I might do some mindfulness colouring in. I don't know if that helps at all but it could be worth a try.

With household stuff, I try to do just one thing around the house, such as putting the dishwasher on. And then doing something else that's more enjoyable. So it's not just chores all day. And then I might come back to it later and unpack the dishwasher. Or sweep the floor. And that's enough for one day. Just a little bit at a time. That's where I am at right now. I also try and get things done when I am feeling a little bit better. For example, when I cook, I cook extra and put it in the freezer. Then, when I am feeling really low and I don't have the energy to cook, I can just take a meal out of the freezer and heat it up. I'm not sure if those sorts of things would be helpful for you because it sounds like the low is really low and for such a long time.

About 18 months ago I was so low that I could not even manage that. So I reached out to friends and asked for help. One friend came round and stacked the dishwasher for me and folded my clothes. I almost cried with relief and gratitude as I watched her slowly and lovingly folding my clothes for me! Another friend cooked food for me. Another friend let me curl up on her couch and she made me cups of tea. Another friend came round and scooped the leaves out of the pool. Etc. It was hard at first to reach out. But gosh, I was soooooo grateful for their help. Do you have anyone that you could reach out to for help? Or even access a domestic help service and pay for someone to come round and help?

And I can relate to being hurt so many times by humans that it hardly feels worth it to continue. For example, sometimes I think I will never be able to go back to work again, and relate to people, because I simply cannot risk being hurt and triggered again. It's a tricky one. At the moment, I am seeing a psychologist who I have known for a long time and I feel safe and comfortable with her. I have a very caring and understanding GP and a few other supports and some close friends. I just interact with those few people who I trust. Anything beyond that is just too much. I don't know what advice I would give you for that one. But I think chatting on this forum more could be helpful. I have just started interacting on the forums. I find it helpful to see what other people are going through. I actually felt a spring in my step reading about other people's struggles. It helped me to realise that I am not alone in this.

All the best and take care,

DIG (divine inner goddess)

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 05:41:50 GMT

Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful responses,

I joined the forums at the end of May this year because I am now in my 60s and have a lot of life experience and want to use that experience to help others who are in crisis.

I want to give you a bit of background so you know where I am coming from. I have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since about the age of 12 and I didn't get any help when I was young. I was in a state of crisis in my early 40s when I reached out to a social worker who gently helped me come to the understanding that I had been dealing with depression all that time, I had no idea, I thought I was just born that way. Always feeling like I don't fit in. In fact many times I have said I feel like someone dropped me off on the wrong planet😀

I grew up in a dysfunctional family which brought on the dysthymia, then I lost my brother (my familial soul mate) when I was 14. I didn't get any help with the grieving process and developed major depression as a result. I didn't have any idea how to accept the loss and acted out in ways that were out of character, but the family just saw me as a teenager being irresponsible so I left home when I was 16. That year that he passed, I had tried to concentrate at school but had a difficult time, then I got my grade from my English teacher. She had given me an 'F', when I went to her to ask why she had given me such a low grade, she said "because you have just been feeling sorry for yourself all year". Back then there were no discussions on mental illness, you were just expected to 'tough it out'. I had met the man I eventually married when I was 15 and we lived together for many years, but as I have talked about in a response to another member, the relationship was another thing that pushed me deeper into depression. We separated when I was 24 and I tried talking to my parents about the fact that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up but got no help then either. So I have pretty much been toughing out everything since I was a kid. After my marriage ended, a close friend passed from a rare disease, my closest female friend I had known since I was 12 also passed in a sudden way. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer and had a couple of mini strokes, he needed full time care from my mother and I did as much as I could to help taking him to all his appointments and various other things whilst working full time and singing in a band a couple of nights a week. My crisis came after we had to put him into a nursing home, I was not coping any longer and spent the next few years with the social worker. Then mum was diagnosed with cancer 3 years after dad passed, she had major surgery and I became her full time carer. Then my eldest brother was diagnosed with cancer, so I was supporting him at the same time as caring for my mother. He passed 5 months after his diagnosis and my mother passed 10 weeks later. That's when the major depression became chronic with ideation for a number of years after. I am on DSP because I become overwhelmed very easily and can't function if there is any stress, I just shut down. I eventually moved 360km away to put it all behind me and a year later, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was in a new place where I knew no one besides my neighbors and had to tough it out by myself. I am cancer free now but don't have any friends here because I have been isolating. I just want to find that sensitive creative person that I know still exists but is trapped in the fallout and debris of the past.

Thank you all again,

indigo22

Re: Fragmented

divine_inner_goddess — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 08:34:05 GMT

Hi again Indigo22,

Thank you for sharing a bit more of your story. Wow, that is a lot of loss and grief in your life. No wonder the depression has become so chronic. It's like the losses keep piling up. And you have been toughing it out for so long. I hope this forum helps you to feel some connection and feel less isolated. You don't have to go through this on your own.

Go easy on yourself,

divine inner goddess

Re: Fragmented

Julietta44 — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 12:55:29 GMT

I’m so happy u have friends around to support u and help u I have been through hell the last year but unfortunately I don’t have many friends so had no support no one to help me so did it myself it’s hard to find friends these days though

Re: Fragmented

Eagle Ray — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 14:01:53 GMT

Hi Indigo22,

You have been through so much over a long period of time. I think what can happen is that you can kind of become stuck/frozen so that the creative part of you has become dormant. I feel this is what happened to me. I had once loved playing my guitar, singing and writing my own songs. Then 13 years ago after another traumatic thing in my life that part of me seemed to totally die and remained that way until recently. I just didn’t even pick up my guitar anymore and felt nothing for it. I turned to photography which I’d loved as a teenager but then after more stress and trauma in recent years that seemed to die a kind of death too.

However, this year that creative, inspired part of my spirit is returning. The songwriting impulse came back after a session with my psychologist. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to break down in the presence of another. I’ve always been strong for others while saying I’m fine if anyone inquires about me. But it became apparent in this session with my psych I was completely cracking from this lifelong pattern. She is so attuned and present with me and asked what I was feeling in my body and what I felt I needed to do. I just put my head down and cried. The dam broke and I allowed myself to be vulnerable with this safe other person. The result was I wrote my first song in 13 years very quickly after that. That same day I also had all these healing visions come to me to do with people and experiences from my life. It was a profound turning point. It sounds so simple but it was what brought something in my spirit back to life.

So sometimes a part of us that has kind of frozen, which is a natural response to trauma and overwhelm, needs to unfreeze and let go. To let go has been key for me. I had to stop striving so hard to do everything right and make others happy, which is part of my complex trauma issue. Somehow this has opened my creative spirit again. I’m also following my intuition. So it said to me, go on a road trip with your camera. So I’m doing that now and loving it. I’m breaking out of the stuckness. Each new day is an adventure and my health, which was really struggling, is improving too.

Sorry for the long message. It’s hard to explain in words how things have shifted. I think working with a compassionate, attuned psychologist over the past year has really helped as she co-regulates with me, what was absent from my childhood. I’m wondering if some kind of co-regulation would work for you. It doesn’t have to be a psych. But sometimes we need other humans (or animals!) to actually break out of the stuck place. I better stop as going to hit max word count. Just some thoughts from my experience in case they are helpful.

Re: Fragmented

therising — Mon, 24 Jul 2023 18:53:01 GMT

Hi indigo22

So much overwhelming heartache in your life. In my mind, you appear as an incredible battle scarred warrior who is so exhausted. While you've look around in every battle, waiting for someone to come help you fight through an onslaught of grief, I wish with all my heart more people had shown up to give you both support and a sense of relief. It is just so unfair.

While expressing heartfelt compassion and battle strategies, I hope Eagle Ray lights the way forward through inspiration when it comes to the path you long to be on. I think sometimes the greatest leaders in our life, the ones who light the way, are the ones who can relate to how impossibly hard and dark the path can become. They're the kinds of people who take our hand on the path while saying, in one way or another, 'I got you'.

❤️

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 04:39:03 GMT

Hi mmMekitty,

Thank you again for your replies, there are pieces in all the replies that have given me some things to mull over.

I wish I could see myself clearly, but as you said, we can see what is going on with others but takes us longer to see what is going on with ourselves. I would be great if we could learn how to be the observer of ourselves sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear that you may be losing your independence and your safe space in the near future, that must be a difficult reality to come to terms with and yes, we do get trapped in our comfort zones when life has been rough, making it difficult to take a brave step forward. We will all be here to support you through that move when the time comes. In the meantime, I hope you stay well.

indigo

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 05:00:07 GMT

Hi dig,

Thank you for your responses, I saw a lot of myself in your first reply. I also cook extra, usually enough for 3 days so I don't have to cook every day. I decided to go vegan when covid hit and had to learn some new techniques with how to make certain things but in the first year of being vegan I lost 10kgs which was a big bonus, unfortunately, it didn't give me more energy which I was hoping would also be a bonus. I have not eaten out since, mainly because the town I am in is pretty small with few options for vegan food, so I just make everything myself including coconut yoghurt, bread and healthy snacks. My next attempt will be tofu.

I have to do the same as you with the housework, just try to get a job, any job done each day, sometimes it works out that way but other times I am too fatigued and say to hell with it😏

I am more down in winter with all the grey, so holding out for spring and summer when I find I always feel better and this year I will force myself to get out more.

I hope your rough patch doesn't last too long, but you can talk with me about it anytime you feel the need. Thanks again,

indigo

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 05:13:56 GMT

Hi Julietta44,

I am sorry to hear you have been going through a difficult time without any support. You do have support here on the forums if you feel you can talk about it. I looked to see if I could find any of your past posts but didn't find any. It is hard to find friends, particularly ones that are there for you when you need them but while you are looking for them, there is a large community to support you.

Take care,

indigo22

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 05:30:28 GMT

Hi therising,

Thank you for your replies, I can tell you are also a soul searcher. I have become more spiritual and philosophical as a result of my experiences, but sometimes it seems like I can't see the forest for the trees (or the fog😉). I have read a few of your posts in the past few weeks and I know you struggle with the lack of energy too. I think at times that is the most debilitating thing of all, but a lack of joy comes a close second. Battle scared is an accurate description but I am determined to heal those scars one way or another. Doing a lot of reading at the moment to help me find some answers and you have all given me some things to think about so thank you again.

indigo

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 05:58:36 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

It seems we have more in common than we might have thought. Thank you for your reply and I am so glad you have had a break through recently with your psych and got some of your spark back. Writing a song after so long and taking a road trip with your camera must feel a bit like coming home to yourself again. I hope you continue to feel better both mentally and physically from here on.

I understand what you meant about that part being stuck, I have been feeling stuck for quite some time but I'm a not sure what will break the ice for me. I am planning to see a local spiritual counsellor/healer as soon as I can scrape the cash together, I have a feeling she will be the one to help me break through the emotions that are trapped. I recognised your references to polyvagal theory, I have just started reading Deb Dana's Anchored at the moment and I think that will be of help too. My darling cat snuggles up with me at night and when we are settled I have been doing the deep breath with the slow release to put me in a good place for sleep. I don't have anyone I can co-regulate with right now but who knows what the future will bring.

Posting on the forums has given me the ability to tap into parts of myself that would not otherwise show themselves which is also helpful. I am in the process at the moment of applying to become a champ so we'll see how that goes. I hope you are enjoying your road trip and thank you again.

indigo

Re: Fragmented

Eagle Ray — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 10:08:01 GMT

Dear indigo22,

Yes, I really understand about not having a person to co-regulate with. I had done a lot of reading on polyvagal theory and the somatic experiencing method (which in part employs polyvagal theory). Both made complete sense to me and I knew I needed someone to work with who uses those approaches. Co-regulation was necessary for my nervous system to break out of its trauma response. I tried a few people before I found a psychologist who was the right fit. I think that is essential for that kind of work to be successful. At the end of the first session my current psychologist sent me a Michael Leunig poem from my favourite book of his, The Curly Pyjama Letters. She also just let me tell my story in the first session and really listened. These were good signs to me that things were going to work. I was used to previous psychs interrupting and telling me what to do/think before they’d made any kind of connection with me or grasped my experience. In my second session with her we cleared a recent trauma I’d been stuck in for a year and a half. In one hour, using somatic experiencing, it was resolved. We have dealt with multiple things now and it’s the deepest childhood stuff that is the most challenging to shift, but bit by bit I’m improving. My psych is of similar mind/heart/spirit and I think that’s important if you are a sensitive soul.

I think a spiritual counsellor can work really well. A few years ago I saw one at the recommendation of a friend. She was a Christian spiritual director and I’m not a Christian, but she was happy to see me. Her approach was co-regulation-oriented and quite meditative, even though I’m not sure she was familiar with polyvagal theory. Co-regulation is really just compassionate attunement and presence with another. So anyone with those attributes can do it. I can tell you are a really compassionate, caring person yourself and so finding someone similar who resonates with you would be ideal. The spiritual director I saw was very reasonably priced too, so hopefully you might find someone affordable for you. I just saw the spiritual director about 3 times before moving out of the city.

I am so glad you have your cat. They are fantastic for co-regulating with. I feel with your sensitivity and insights you are well-placed to go on a successful healing journey. Even though you have been through so much, I can tell you have spirit which although may feel stuck at the moment can definitely be revived and come back to life. I’ve found it’s a bit of an up and down journey, but the ups are definitely happening and I’ve overcome a lot of hurdles (still working on the remaining ones!). I haven’t read Deb Dana’s Anchored but it looks very helpful.

Re: Fragmented

indigo22 — Thu, 27 Jul 2023 04:41:42 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

Your psych sounds like your ideal match for the work you are doing and I am so happy to hear about the good progress you are making with her. I am not sure why they aren't all attuned to their patients, but I guess it depends a lot on the motives and temperament of the psych.

The spiritual counsellor/healer I have been in contact with is not connected to any religion or church. I believe the spiritual aspect has more to do with her being in tune with spirit and she has a number of healing tools that she uses depending on what she feels is best for the patient. I know that Somatic is one of her tools along with Reiki and a few others she mentioned that I have since forgotten. I have Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice that is on my agenda next so I have a bit more of an understanding of the somatic method before I see her. I have purchased a long list of books that are awaiting my attention including Bessell Van Der Kolk, Gabor Mate, Joe Dispenza and many other authors, just trying to work my way through them. This path is appropriate for me as I am a healer also and have some psychic abilities that are also dormant at the moment. I am attuned to Reiki level 2 and have knowledge of colour therapy, chakras, sound therapy etc. but as I said, I lost interest in everything so trying to heal myself at this point would not work. I got a good feeling from her when we talked on the phone so I am fairly confident that she will be able help me. My Social Worker helped a lot with the mental side but I think now it's more the physical/emotional side I need to address. I hope you are right, that this healing journey will work out for me, don't mind a few ups and downs, when you are always down, the ups are a welcome relief. Keep in touch and let me know how you are progressing and thank you again for your kind words of support.

indigo

Re: Fragmented

Eagle Ray — Thu, 27 Jul 2023 09:01:35 GMT

Wow, Indigo, you are reading the same things as me. I have books by Peter Levine, Bessell Van Der Kolk and Gabor Mate. I haven't read Joe Dispenza's books but have watched some of his stuff online. If you are spiritually oriented you might also be interested in The Fellowship of the River by Joseph Tafur, especially if you have health issues that are linked with trauma. He looks at spiritual healing in the context of what he calls the emotional body, which I think will make a lot of sense to you based on your healing background. I found his book was extremely relevant to me. I also have Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory which is pretty dense but I understand some of it. Deb Dana's book on the topic I imagine is less technical and more therapeutically geared to individuals working on their healing.

It's great you have a good feeling from the spiritual counsellor. I agree that there is a certain amount you can do mentally but it doesn't reach all parts of the self. I find I even have to let go of the mental side and just feel/intuit to understand myself and know what to do. I am also spiritually oriented without being religious or having a particular faith. The most accurate thing I can say is nature is my church.

All the very best,

Re: Fragmented

divine_inner_goddess — Fri, 28 Jul 2023 06:37:52 GMT

Hi indigo22,

Ha. I definitely know that feeling when the fatigue is too much. I am here in my home right now looking at the dishes piling up, clothes lying around everywhere, an unmade bed, something probably needs cleaning but I don't know what it is... etc and I don't have the energy to do anything. I have run out of my pre-cooked meals and I don't know what I'm going to eat for dinner! I have been really struggling with fatigue lately. I'm not sure how much of it is depression, PTSD, or something physical like glandular fever or chronic fatigue. I find it very difficult to tease apart physical and emotional symptoms. Fatigue really is very debilitating.

You mentioned in one of your posts that you don't have a person to co-regulate with. But, you mentioned that your cat snuggles up with you in bed. Cats are awesome for co-regulation. There's been studies done on the healing benefits of cats. Apparently their purr is at a healing frequency for humans. What I do is slowly pat my cats which helps me self-soothe. Then my cats start purring as they regulate. And then their purring helps me to relax more and get a nice 'sound healing' if they are sitting on top of me or nestled up against a part of my body. One of my cats lay on my chest/heart the other night and was purring so loud it sounded like a motorbike revving in my bedroom. I could feel the vibrations seeping into my body. So healing. Maybe your cat can be your co-regulation partner until you find a suitable human! I think Eagle Ray mentioned cats too, for regulating.

Thanks for your offer for me to share about my rough patch. I will do, in little bits. Actually, it's more like a rough life, than a rough patch. Dysfunctional 'family' and trauma upon trauma all through my childhood and adult life. Depression from probably as early as you, around 10 or so, but not officially diagnosed until recently, along with C-PTSD. I have been so 'strong' and just toughed it out, my whole life . And then about 18 months ago I experienced another trauma, a terrible trigger, and that was the catalyst for a breakdown. So I guess the 'rough patch' has been since then. Very up and down. I have been on a healing journey for a really long time, but this is taking it to the next level! Thanks for listening.

How is your spiritual counsellor going?

Take care,

dig