topic Re: anniversary of dad's death in Depression

anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Tue, 11 Jul 2023 07:08:21 GMT

It's coming up 7 years of dad's death this week. And leading up to it, I'm a mess. I'm depressed, sad, can't think straight some days. I bumped into a mate of his the other day, and the whole next day and several others, I just felt like shit. Do other people get this? Is it delayed grief? It's like this mental block in my mind telling me that something is bothering me.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

james1 — Wed, 12 Jul 2023 03:22:33 GMT

Hi David35,

I'm really sad to hear your dad died 7 years ago. That sounds like a huge loss and it's no surprise you are struggling as the date approaches.

I think it's quite normal, but that's not to say you have to just bear it. Have you spoken to anyone about this before, whether about your sadness or about how important he seems to have been to you?

It might be helpful to plan something around the day to make sure you have support around you, so you don't have to deal with all the difficult feelings alone.

I hope you are able to remember your dad with love this week.

James

Re: anniversary of dad's death

indigo22 — Wed, 12 Jul 2023 08:47:09 GMT

Hi David,

I was just thinking about you today and wondering how things were going with you, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling somewhat at present. I can only comment on what happened to me with my first brother that passed away when I was 14. He was just 5 years older and was my familial soul mate, unfortunately I did not get any help and had no idea how to get over the loss. In my mid 30's, I tried to talk to my older brother (the one that died of cancer) but he just would not talk about it. In the end I got a copy of the coroners report, I read it alone, spent a lot of time crying and realised that is how I need to grieve. Something that leaves no doubt in the mind that the person is gone. I didn't see him after he passed, and there was an inquest so I had no real way to grasp that he was gone for good. It was different with the rest of the family, I saw both my father and brother very soon after they passed and sat with their bodies for some time to allow it to sink in. With my mother, I was holding her hand when she took her last breath.

I know you know your father is gone on one level but it seems like there is another part of you that has not yet accepted the loss, I assume this is because you were very close. If this is your first loss then maybe you just haven't yet figured out how you need to grieve, it is such a personal experience, there is no right or wrong way but sometimes it can take longer than you might expect, especially if there are strong bonds of love. I promise you there will come a day when you can face this anniversary without the emotional turbulence, but for now you are still in the process, so be kind to yourself, talk to your dad (I believe he is still around for you), don't fight the emotions that come up, let them be felt without judgement and let them pass. Find a way to honour him on this anniversary, wether that is as simple as lighting a candle or something more elaborate. You are in my thoughts.

indigo22

Re: anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 05:00:11 GMT

Thanks. Gosh you've had your fair share of loss.. I tried speaking to my brother about it and he just dismissed my feelings. He's an atheist and doesn't believe dad lives on the after-life. "When you're dead you're dead". I just try and talk to mum about it. I built a bench for a saw out in the shed alongside one we did together many years ago. It's kind of fitting, now I have Dad and Dave standing alongside each other out in the garage! I know he's gone, but I know he's close too. Just miss him.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

indigo22 — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 06:02:08 GMT

You will always miss him, I still miss my soul mate almost every day, it just won't feel as painful as it does now and you will begin to smile when you think of him. I love the cutouts in the garage, what a great way to remember your time together 🙂

Re: anniversary of dad's death

Ehmel — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 11:20:10 GMT

Hi David,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you were close with your Dad, and this must have been a huge loss for you. Grief is a tricky thing. There is no one way that a person grieves and no timeframe.
I don't think it is unusual for you to feel the way you are. You mentioned you bumped into his mate; I am sure this would have brought up many memories for you, and with that comes all sorts of emotions. Have you spoken to someone about the way you feel? The mental block you mentioned could be a barrier you have put up to deal with the loss, and it is something that, with talk therapy, you may be able to unpack and understand better.
The important thing is that you allow yourself to feel your feelings. Perhaps even sitting with them and trying to understand them will help with the bother you are feeling.
As someone that has lost a parent, I hope that you found a special way to honour your Dad this week and were still able to feel some joy that you had him in your life. Take care.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 23:16:26 GMT

Yeah I'm getting counselling. One of the things that came up is all the emotional stuff leading up to his death. How I'd check on him when he was sleeping or sit with him late at night. He aged about 10 years once the cancer went to his brain and in a funny kind of way, he became a bit less serious and a bit more human. We would have preferred to still have him but it was selfish when he had no quality of life in the end. We just had to trust that God knew best, and took him to avoid all the suffering. I still miss him though.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

Ehmel — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 01:17:14 GMT

Of course, you do; you will always miss him. I really believe that grief doesn't go away; you just learn to live with it.
It sounds like you had a lot of role changes, too - from son to carer and now living in this "post dad" world that no one prepares you for. Humans have this funny way of pushing down our feelings and ignoring them, but they have to come out at some stage. It sounds like you are on the right track and getting support, which is so great!

Re: anniversary of dad's death

indigo22 — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 03:20:30 GMT

When you mentioned your dad's change in character, it reminded me of my dad. He had a couple of mini strokes that left him with vascular dementia which at first just accentuated his short fuse temper and made him frustrated, but after a while that changed and he became the father I had wished he had been all along, loving and easy to talk to. He had no short term memory but he would remember things from his earlier life and tell me stories of his life at sea with the Merchant Marines. I only had the dad I wanted for about 18 months but it was the best 18 months and gave me some happy memories to recall.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 17:04:53 GMT

Thanks. My dad was a bit the same. Some days towards the end he couldn't identify which room he was in but he could quote performance statistics from the aircraft he once flew in the RAAF. He started joking around more. I asked mum if dad was ever like this. She said that's how he was when she first met him. The seriousness took over later in life. The role changes occurred pretty quickly too. One week he'd be helping me with something out in the shed. Months later I'd be organising painkiller medication on a spreadsheet for him.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

Eagle Ray — Sat, 15 Jul 2023 22:53:54 GMT

Dear David,

I don’t know if this will help but I’ve found the memories I have of my Dad in the last months of his life have become healing memories even though they were sad and challenging times as well. My Dad’s character changed over time too and I think health vulnerability in some cases brings out their gentle and loving side. I can tell you are such a sensitive, loving and caring son. While that can make you vulnerable to feeling the loss acutely it is the same sensitivity that can enable you to really feel warmth, love and kindness in your heart. The fact you were doing those kind things to support your Dad, such as creating the spreadsheet for his medication, means you were there with him and for him with an open heart. So I think what I’m saying is to let that love just fill your heart and know what a difference you made for your Dad. I feel it is that love that eventually eases the grief. As others have said the grief doesn’t necessarily go away, but it changes over time and I think that allowing yourself to feel that warmth, love and tenderness you have in your heart can be part of the healing. It’s beautiful you were there for your Dad and he will have felt that support and it made a difference.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

indigo22 — Sun, 16 Jul 2023 00:26:05 GMT

It's a role reversal when they get to that stage, you become the parent and caregiver. It's difficult to watch them go from the vibrant person you know to an aged and vulnerable version. I agree with Eagle Ray, they know what we did for them and now they are watching out for us.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Sun, 16 Jul 2023 13:13:13 GMT

Thanks. Your kind words help a lot.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Sun, 16 Jul 2023 13:18:43 GMT

Yeah it seems so futile at the time. We all knew the end result once the cancer got to his brain. Nevertheless, we tried. When I was younger, I would disagree a lot, often just to prove a point. Now I find myself thinking , "what would dad have done". Ive just got to look around in society and know that i was lucky. But at the time you just take it all for granted. Now i find myself becoming more like him, which isnt such a bad thing i suppose. I guess with age comes wisdom.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

Eagle Ray — Sun, 16 Jul 2023 14:43:51 GMT

You’re welcome David. One of the fond memories I have of my Dad was when he was in hospital and I took him out for walks on his walker. They wouldn’t let him out of his room without someone with him which was really confining and depressing for him. But as soon as I got there we’d go out straight away and he just loved being outside and seeing the things around him. Such a small thing made a big difference and lifted his spirits. I cherish the memory of that time now and I’m so glad I could be there to support him in that way. So in a similar way I’m sure all those things you did for your Dad are examples of your love and care that made a difference. I really feel, as Indigo says, that they are watching over us, in our hearts and loving us unconditionally. I’m sure your Dad would be super proud of you and want the very best for you.

I think it’s true that we take some things for granted when younger. I think that is the nature of still growing our wisdom. I think as we get older more things about our parents make sense including the things they did and said that maybe didn’t make sense for us at the time. But they likely went through a similar process too with their parents. Also, at a younger age we are trying to differentiate ourselves from them and become our own adult person, so I think it’s quite common to go through phases of disagreement with them. Then, as we get older, we realise some insights and wisdom they held and it becomes a meaningful resource for us in the present.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Mon, 17 Jul 2023 05:08:33 GMT

I used to think the insights were just to make my life difficult and prove that he's the boss. Now I realise later in life that he only ever had my best interest at heart, even if I was too young and stupid to realise it. I guess when you're older, you can see further down the road.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

Eagle Ray — Mon, 17 Jul 2023 09:01:38 GMT

Hi David, I don't think it's being stupid. I think it's being a normal young person questioning things and wanting your own independence including the right to your own views and choices. I expect that almost every human goes through such a process.

My Mum had explosive rage which was really hard to deal with. But underneath that rage was a frightened child (trauma from her own childhood). She was often actually afraid for us at some level and so her concern and care could come out in this uncontrolled aggressive way. So there is often this confusion with parents too, where there ways of expressing things came from care at some level but was not always expressed in the most constructive manner.

I don't know the background for your Dad, but maybe he was a bit difficult at times and so you understandably reacted with some frustration, even if what he was saying was intended to be helpful. I certainly experienced that with my Dad. These are all really normal human reactions and behaviours in the circumstances. We are all only human and doing our best.

While I sometimes wish I had done certain things differently in the past, when I look back I can see I was doing my absolute best at the time to deal with things. So be kind to yourself and know your Dad would want that.

I have been processing similar things to you in relation to grief with both my parents. I am gradually learning not to beat myself up about all sorts of things, thinking I should have done this or that better. I was reading about grief after my Mum died and read that guilt is an extremely common emotion when someone dies. We worry about things we said we wish we hadn't, and the things we didn't say. I'm getting to the stage of letting go of those worries now, but I understand how it's possible to go over things wishing we had done things differently.

I remind myself that my parents would want me to be ok and happy, and to create a positive future for myself. So take care of yourself and make your self-care a priority. It's taken me a long time to start learning that but I can feel it makes a difference. From my own experience I can feel the grief getting gradually easier, even if it's an up and down journey at times, and I'm sure it will improve for you over time. Take care.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

indigo22 — Tue, 18 Jul 2023 02:41:21 GMT

When we are young, we think we have a handle on everything, we don't and can't realise that we have not gained enough wisdom to have all the answers and see our parents as just being 'old school'. You can't do better if you don't know better. I did not have all the love and support I needed growing up from any of my family members and they all let me down and betrayed on more than one occasion which caused me to end up with depression in the first place. But when the time came, I made a decision, just because they were not there for me when I needed them does not mean I can't be there for them when they need me. I decided there would be no regrets and there are none, because I gave them my love and support when it was most needed. And so did you David and Eagle Ray.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

LucyK18 — Sat, 22 Jul 2023 12:24:07 GMT

Hey David,

I’m so sorry you lost your dad and for how you’ve been feeling. I hope things are and will get better for you and that you have heaps of loving memories of him.

I’ve been having similar feelings like you since I lost my dad 5 years ago and miss him even more now.

I wanted to share my experience so far with you in hopes that it helps you in some way, starting off with a it if an analogy.

Since dad died you’re carrying this suddenly heavy backpack that you kept putting off emptying cos you don’t have time to and you can manage. Then every setback since dad passing is like adding another brick to the backpack and now it’s too heavy to carry on your own so your stuck and can’t move forward and you feel it pulling you down to the spot.

This is how I’ve felt. The grief is healthy but you get overwhelmed and stuck when there’s no one to help.

I’ve only just recently spoken to a friend honestly about how I’ve/life’s been since dad died. That chat felt like she took a brick out of my backpack which then helped me take a step forward and book in to see a GP. I’ve bailed on the appts so far but have just booked my 3rd attempt.

Once I go, I know that backpack will get lighter. And I’ll be able to take another step.

I saw someone else reply to your post and mention that maybe you haven’t finished grieving or figured out what grieving is for you.

I hope that you can talk to someone if you haven’t already, maybe going straight to a GP to get you started and lighten the load a bit.

Re: anniversary of dad's death

David35 — Sat, 22 Jul 2023 14:19:26 GMT

That's one thing about my dad. He had no regrets. I think if I trust he forgives me for being such a prick at times, then maybe I can move on and have no regrets also. I feel like he's telling me that it's time to stop looking in the past and start looking into the future again. I like the analogy of lightening the load. I think it's what is weighing me down. Past regrets with my alcoholism, but then he was proud I had the courage to seek help at AA. Despite its problems, I took it seriously and changed. I think he would be proud of how I've tried to support mum the last few years during her cancer, which she's now over. You don't get recognition in society for doing things that truly matter.