topic That uncontrolled crazy feeling in Depression

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Gingerninja — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 03:59:35 GMT

Hi People out there in cyberspace,

I'm hoping that sharing this with you will help me come to terms with my psychological problems. It's hard to talk to people in person about the craziness in your head. The thing that sucks the most is I KNOW that I have nothing to be depressed /anxious about. You know, the standard first world problems type of disorder: I have a house, partner, am an engineer, fit, good family, friends, awesome dog.

I'm an almost 30yo f, who has just had a major depressive episode, where I did some pretty stupid things. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for 18 years with varying degrees of success. I'm successful in my job (apparently) however, just recently I noticed all those symptoms coming back, the self doubt, loathing, hatred, anger, frustration and crying.

I didn't act on the symptoms 6-8 weeks ago and then they just progressively got worse.

I am currently working away, which is a pressure cooker environment, and in a nutshell, I had a few drinks, got into a massive argument with someone, ended up in tears and then ended up self harming because it seemed like a good thing to do at the time. So.... now I have had to take time off work, to pretty much try to sort out my head again. The embarrassment, shame, guilt and additional self loathing of being such a nut case is even more depressing and just frustrating. I'm so concerned that I have totally wrecked my career and I am dreading returning to work, because I know that I'm definitely a nutcase and how am I going to cope with having to show my face there again?

i want to know if anyone else ever gets tired of working on their mental health? Does it wear you down to the point where sometimes you just slip back into bad habits, because sometimes you are just too tired, or can't be bothered?

I also want to know if anyone else here has violent fits of uncontrollable crying or urges to hit something? Sometimes I want to hurt myself so that I won't feel anything.

How do I cope going back to work? And trying to repair the damage that I have done?

I'm starting to realise that this is a lifelong condition for me, and I'll always have to filter and work on my thinking. It's a scary thought.

So the other thing is I know I'm doing all the right things now, seen my GP and had my meds adjusted, got a new MHCP, booked in to see the psych.

What I hate most is that there are people out there, including people on here, who are suffering from far more tragic circumstances, wether it be relationships, hardship, bullying, family issues or health problems, and yet I sit here with no perceptible problems apart from self inflicted misery.

Ginger ninja.

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

incubus — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 05:36:05 GMT

Hi Gingerninja,

I know the feeling of feeling depressed in spite of taking for granted things that probably many people on BB, and even just generally in society, only dream of. Don't let yourself believe that this makes your illness any less real. If it's how you feel then it is how you feel. I actually found that it felt a little more scary.. having no major obstacles in my life yet still feeling depressed. I often wonder how people who suffer from genuine disadvantage, or disability, or poverty, manage to find peace and happiness.. Clearly, I don't have the answer to that. I do think I can offer some advice about returning to work.

Most of your anxiety will be unfounded. People are more self-absorbed than you think and anything you have done will have been less significant in their life than it currently is in yours. Thirdly, people will remember how you bounce back from the event more than the event itself. It will be important for yourself to hold your head up high and show some ticker. People will respect you for it.

Apologise to the person you argued with, especially if you were in the wrong. Tell them how sorry you are and how you regret that it happened. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Focus on the mental health strategies that come most naturally to you and require the least conscious effort. Seek the things that make you happy and content often. Ask those around you to pick you up when you falter. Remember how awesome you are.

Hope some of that is remotely helpful.

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Beetle — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 05:36:21 GMT

I know where you are coming from I have had MDD and GAD for ages but started treatment only recently. Since then I realize how sick I was. Now I feel normal and communicating and acting is effordless. Before the meds At work I always felt like an alien and had to filter my behavior and what I say. I was exhausted from that for decades....

If i'm not medicated properly I want to extinguish the aweful feelings in my soul with alcohol and selfharm and doing stupid things and I nearly killed myself in the process. Accidental suicide its called I think.....

In your case you are on meds- maybe yours are wearing off and you need a higher dose or a different type? Going to psych sounds good!

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. its not you its the disease!

All the best

Beetle

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Neil_1 — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 06:00:12 GMT

Hi Ginge-Ninje 🙂

Way to go for coming to Beyond Blue and posting your story ... that does take effort and that's another positive step that you've made.

Wow, you've received some awesome advice from both incubus and Beetle. I can't really add to much more to what they advised, only to say that the things that you're now putting into place are really excellent and positive things. You are ticking all the right boxes and doing the right things in order to help combat what you're battling.

And as you know, you're not alone ... and it doesn't matter from what echelon of society you come from ... what you've got behind you; cars, house, wealth, poverty, children, job, you name it ... it just doesn't matter. For this disease can (and does) latch itself onto anyone.

You've got it and that means you need care and support and assistance as much as anyone else.

If this is your first psych session a little tip that I like to give out is beforehand, either write (but much easier to type) out dot points of issues that are troubling you; the more the merrier, as they say. And when you're there, if you feel you've forgotten something, you've got your dot points to refer too. And no doubt you'll have a few sessions booked; so afterwards, you can cross off the ones that you feel you've got nailed (otherwise leave them) and from that session to the next, if you think of anything else (and I generally do) you can add that.

Hope you can stay with us and look forward to hearing again from you.

Kind regards

Neil

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Gingerninja — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 08:04:56 GMT

Hi guys,

I really appreciate your responses, as I am off work and sitting on my **** being very bored, waiting for responses and being too unmotivated to go to the gym or pool. I'm due to go back to work Monday, but as I said before.... Pooping my pants!!!

neil - thanks for the advice. I have been before (this round 3 or 4), but I have never written my thoughts down beforehand. I might give it a go, although to be honest, I'm scared about how stupid they will look on paper... It might be better to keep them nice and locked away in the Pandora's box compartment of my brain!

beetle - my meds have been adjusted again. I'm very disappointed, because I had been trying to reduce the dose over the last 9 months as things were going so well prior to the 'episode'

incubus - (I'm working backwards here), thanks for the work advice... It's definitely given me something to think about, and I think you suggestions are good. I just need to find the courage.

I'm in that zombie phase after a major episode, so everything is slightly surreal and numb... Been spending time googling "depression in third world countries" to establish the validity of what I think/feel... Not very helpful, but surprisingly there is some interesting research out there.

anyway, thanks again people, your generosity is amazing, and hopefully I will be able to contribute to all of your stories as well.

Ginger ninja.

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Neil_1 — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 08:27:20 GMT

Hey Ginge-Ninge (hope you don't mind the abbreviation, but I've always wanted to call someone that) - ok,that's not really true, I just like the way it sounds. 🙂

This is really quick, cause I've gotta head ... BUT, it's great that you've got some days off; and in that time, I WANT you to get to the gym and have some major workout sessions. Can you do that? I LOVE the gym, it is my sanctuary where I can go and smash my particular body parts that I'm targetting for that particular day and it's an absolute brilliant release.

But you've also got the pool ... another great activity.

Ginge-Ninje, I can see we're gonna have a lot of communication over these next few days ... and you're possibly gonna hate me, cause I'm gonna try and push you to get out there and get into it. 🙂

Bye for now,

Neil

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

incubus — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 13:27:55 GMT

Don't worry too much about it, I am sure that courage will find you. Would be interested to hear what your googling yielded. Thanks for your contribution to my own thread 🙂

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

MaryG — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 21:46:29 GMT

Hey Gingerninja,

as you've seen by the other responses, your problems are no less important than anyone else's regardless of their circumstances.

A public blow out is tough to come back from, but like someone else said, the other people are probably so self absorbed that they have already moved on.I try sometimes to put myself in their shoes and I realise that my blow out or odd behaviour is unlikely to stay in their minds for long. If it does its because people are genuinely concerned for me.

I understand the uncontrolled crazy feeling and the desire for self harm just to relieve the pressure. I have a lot less now that my medication is working better but I still have a few episodes. I am like you in that it's not obvious why all the time. Many years of behaving a certain way and suppressing my feelings is what they tell me.

I hope your return to work is OK.

Mary

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Gingerninja — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 00:43:42 GMT

Once again, thanks guys.

Neil - the abbreviation is cool... I like it 🙂 I'm feeling ok at this very moment I time, but considering I just slept and wasted time in the dark playground for pretty much 3 days, I suppose it's time I actually attempt to leave the house.

Incubus - I contributed some more to you.

Mary G - thanks for your kind works

in general this has been a good experience. It's been enlightening and sad to see other people personal struggles and it makes me feel less alone, and less crazy. It is so hard to talk to people who don't relate...

thanks guys...

Ginger ninja.

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Neil_1 — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 02:02:48 GMT

Hi Ginge-Ninje

You know I think it's even more than that ... where you said, it's hard to talk to people who don't relate or understand mental illness. But for me, this IS my outlet, because I find it difficult to talk if people DO understand.

Although when I say that, I find if I'm absolutely trapped and have to talk, I guess I will, but for the most part, I'll try to avoid people so I don't have to "think of things to say".

Don't know if that makes sense or others are like that, but it's all the small talk bs that happens ... and damnit every person you meet or at a shop, the first thing is: "How are you?"

My daughter and I have just got back from the shops ... we went to a pet store to get some food for her bunnies and a new squeaky toy for our dog. Into the store and this woman follows us till we stop. "Anything I can help you with?" Oh, ok, well I'll be right over here.

So we got the food and the toy ... a rather large looking bone shaped thing that, yep you guessed it, squeaks.

So the woman said, "Oh what kind of dog do you have?" and so we answered, and ya da ya da ya da, we were out of there.

I said to my daughter on the way home, that that woman was kinda nosey. I said, "When she asked what kind of dog we have, I should have said, we don't have a dog, we've just got a giant bunny that loves dogs toys". My daughter laughed at that. 🙂 🙂

Over and out

Neil

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Imagine — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 09:46:53 GMT

Hi Ginger Ninja,

I can't add much to the previous posts except to stress that you did NOT choose to feel this way. You don't feel so miserable because of your circumstances in life and would be suffering whether you had some external cause to blame or not. First world or Third world you would still be in pain and that is NOT your fault. Please be kind to yourself and don't add guilt to all your suffering. This disease is so insidious and cruel in that it not only steals all of your pleasure in life but also makes you feel guilty for the things IT does.

I know it's hard facing the people at work, but they are just that - people and many of them will face depression/mental illness or be close to someone who faces depression and will understand. Anyone else is in no position to judge and if a few people lack compassion, empathy and forgiveness, that is a failing in their character not yours. We are all human, we all make mistakes, errors of judgement and if we are good people, we apologise when we are wrong and get on with making things better as best we can.

My chronic illness is physical, but after 20 years of pain, fatigue, nasty treatments, seizures etc I do have a deep understanding of the feeling of being so tired of dealing with it all, of feeling like you cannot ever escape and seeing the endless pain stretching ahead of you. It is so hard to face another day. The 24/7 year in year out relentlessness wears you down. I don't know what the answer is except to keep going as best you can but with the knowledge that others can and do understand.

Please take care and keep in touch

Imagine x

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

joey — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 10:32:52 GMT

Hi Ginger,

I have come onto this post pretty late - I have been so tired lately I cant read all the posts and didn't read all of the replies so hopefully not repeating things!

I guess I just have some advice about returning to work after an 'incident' such as yours. I have had a similar thing happen in the past - at more than one workplace.

I guess what I found works is

1) acknowledge you have a problem and are seeing someone i.e. so about the other night, just so you know I am getting some help and I am doing ok now.

I think you need to do this for a few reasons - to be fair to people that might be worried, to acknowledge that it's an illness an you are getting treatment - this might help people to expect it wont happen again. Generally I found people were either worried or scared and either way didn't want to bring it up. I chose to speak to each person individually. I didn't make a big deal of it - jus that one sentence and then let them decide if they wanted to ask more.

2)otherwise just go on acting normally. If you are normal others will be too.

Anyway. Other bit of advice is don't beat yourself up about it. It happened. Sure it's not great but nothing you can do now so don't worry about it. Sometimes after something like this happened I would feel that I had to behave sadly afterwards to help people understand. I was very up and down and often suddenly felt better again but thought others might find this confusing. Anyway all that happened is I got very confused! And what was one bad day turned into a whole week.

Joey

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Gingerninja — Sat, 25 Jan 2014 00:48:51 GMT

Thanks imagine, Joey & Neil

some more great advice, will def take on board,

apart from that, I hope that Saturday brings a little bit more light to all of your days.

ginge

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Neil_1 — Sat, 25 Jan 2014 00:58:30 GMT

Hi Ginge-Ninje,

Damnit all ... I've forgotten to mention this earlier ... as it's now the weekend and it's possibly too late, but is there anyone from your work who you ever contact outside of work? Like email or phone texting? There's probably even newer technology available, but I wouldn't know of such things.

Anyway, the reason I ask, is that (oh, but you may have done this already) if you can do that, you can sort of get a feel for what the office environment will be like for you on Monday. Just a thought.

And do you have a kind of plan in place for how you think you'll approach your day back? Oh, but only share if you feel like it.

Kind regards

Neil

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Gingerninja — Sat, 25 Jan 2014 03:33:50 GMT

Thanks for your concern Neil,

my biggest issue is that I have to fly to my work site on Monday arvo. We only have a small team, and I would rather not talk to most of the people out there... Due to circumstances, I'm feel like I can't trust anyone, so the people who I would have spoken to, I don't really feel comfortable speaking to.

anyway no plan ATM.... Just trying to forget about it for now.

ginge

That uncontrolled crazy feeling

Neil_1 — Mon, 27 Jan 2014 08:17:45 GMT

Hey Ginge (I'm being cool now, like you, and dropping the 'surname part of your handle') - I even used the word, "handle" ... look at me go!

Ok, it's Monday evening as I write this ... you flew to your work site on Monday arve.

Have you met up with your work colleagues yet and if so, how did it go?

And more importantly, how are you doing?

Kind regards

Neil