topic Re: High on life in Depression

Everything feels kind of heavy

teaBee — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 10:50:35 GMT

It’s hard to feel happy anymore. Even when I do something in my head whispers bad thoughts to me. Right now my life is so perfect. It’s honestly the best it’s ever been. I have a loving boyfriend and an amazing job. And in some moments I can see how lucky I am. But then it fades and those happy feelings feel so distant. I’ve struggled a lot with urges of self harm, but I’m really good at not acting on it so that’s a positive. But it feels like it’s always sitting there with me, the urges. They feel so heavy. I’m on medication and it helped for a while. I don’t think it’s working anymore. I don’t know what to do with the heaviness and it feels like it’s getting worse.

Re: Everything feels kind of heavy

james1 — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 16:04:05 GMT

Hey teaBea,

I'm really sorry to hear it's hard to feel happy and you feel a lot of heaviness. You've described the feeling really well and I really hope the forums can help lift that load a little. You sound quite tired in your post, like you've been dealing with this for a while now. I thought I'd ask what brought you here and was there something you were looking for in particular?

You also mentioned medication which seems to have stopped working. Are you looking to go back to the doctor to see what they say?

Hope to hear back from you when you feel up to it.

James

Re: Everything feels kind of heavy

teaBee — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 00:20:13 GMT

I came here because it feels comforting to read posts and see how people have similar experiences to me. It also just feels good to get all these feelings off my chest and have a conversation about them. About my medication I am working on it with my doctor but it’s hard to find the time to see them. I understand the process of being medicated takes a long time to sort out properly so I am just trying to be patient. Thank you for your reply James I really appreciate it.

High on life

teaBee — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 10:22:58 GMT

I feel like I’m split in two. Things I feel one minute completely change in the next. I feel unstable. Right now I feel absolutely high on my feelings. Rebellious and powerful. Like I want to set the world on fire and dance as I watch it burn. But only like 5 minutes ago I felt so down and sad. So hurt and anxious. Maybe even lonely. When I’m like that it feels like I’m worthless and I don’t deserve to be happy. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. I want to run the streets at night and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to cause trouble and make my family disappointed. But then… I want to stay home. I want to see nobody. I want to be held and feel safe and loved. Or maybe I can go to a club and drink myself stupid. But I want to be home in bed with my favourite teddy. It’s exhausting and I don’t know what all this means for me. It’s hard to know who I am when I change so frequently.

Re: High on life

quirkywords — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 11:22:32 GMT

teaBee

Tbanjs for your hi Seth.

Can you keep a mood diary where you write down dates, intensity, of your moods do you can get an idea f frequency and nature, if you want to tell someone you could take you written diary to the DR. and show them. Also make notes of other things in your life life which may be affecting your moods.
yes it can be confusing who you are when your moods are so different.

Re: High on life

Bob_22 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 07:37:26 GMT

Hi teaBee,

Thanks for your post and welcome to the forums. I hope you have found them helpful so far. I'm sorry to hear that you feel unstable at the moment. It's so hard to tell why our emotions are erratic sometimes. Have you considered talking this out with a professional? headspace is a great walk in clinic for under 25 year olds and they have a GP as well as a range of workers that could help you with your emotions (and its free). You can find your closest centre here: https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/

They also have online support groups if you would prefer to not go in person.

Hope this helps

Bob

Re: Everything feels kind of heavy

james1 — Fri, 21 Apr 2023 12:36:54 GMT

Hello teaBee,

Thank you so much for the reply. It's really nice to hear back from you, and I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to reply earlier.

I'm glad to hear it helped to try and get the feelings off your chest. I was suffering from depression about 7/8 years ago and I had a similar hope when I came to these forums. I wanted to find others who understood and hopefully not feel so isolated when dealing with my particular issues. I hope BeyondBlue can be the same help to you.

It is true that recovery takes a while and, while I don't like to recommend patience, it is helpful for situations like these when the experience can be quite overwhelming and exhausting. I actually came off medication earlier than expected, but I also started going to my psychologist weekly. So I guess every road is a little different.

Please feel free to use this space as you need, and we're always happy to chat here. Or even, as you say, feel welcome to engage with others on their posts. I like to think we're a safe little community where it's okay to reach out for help, and to help others.

Take care for now

James

You broke me mum

teaBee — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 03:10:13 GMT

My mum has been extremely unwell my whole life. She has always told me she’s suicidal and some days couldn’t even walk out the front door due to anxiety. She never worked, she never did anything. She slept and watched tv my whole life. Dad had left and I don’t have siblings so it was just me. Alone and needing to take care of myself but also this emotionally unstable person. I couldn’t talk to her about anything. She didn’t respect me and my feelings. She made fun of me and humiliated me. Sometimes she’d scream and yell and throw things. Sometimes I wouldn’t see her for a month because she’d sleep all day and be awake all night. She was messy and made me do everything for her and would yell if it wasn’t right. But she’s also insecure and would tell me she loves me and cry saying she was the worst mother in the world. So then it was my job to comfort her. When I got older I couldn’t take it anymore and I left. I have a wonderful boyfriend and a happy life. But the way that woman has scared and hurt me makes things hard now. Relationships are hard because I’ve never had a healthy one before. She still has a hold on me. I don’t see her often as she lives far away but still it feels like her emotional wellbeing is my responsibility. If I say or do anything she doesn’t like she’ll cry and make me feel guilty. She’s toxic but I still love her because she was all I had.

Re: You broke me mum

Juliet_84 — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 05:20:02 GMT

Hi teabee,

Firstly congratulations on breaking that cycle of abuse and having a healthy wonderful relationship. That is a huge achievement when you’ve had an unstable childhood such as yours, very often we inadvertently repeating the same patterns we had as children. You are allowed to love your mother and also be angry at her for the way you were treated. There is no excuse for verbal and emotional abuse of any form and it’s strange to me that any parent could engage in it with their child. As children we tend to internalize our parents behaviours and think it’s something against us. When the reality is that your mothers behaviour has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. She obviously has an extreme inability to cope with things (hence the never working and never doing anything) and when she couldn’t cope with things such as being a parent she lashed out at you, and also got others (i.e yourself) to fulfill those obligations. Have you ever tried speaking to her about how you feel or does she resort to the victim card?

Re: You broke me mum

Fern42 — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 05:28:11 GMT

Hi Teabee,

I am sorry to hear how hard your upbringing has been, I can only begin to imagine how difficult it was to navigate with your mums needs being placed onto you so much.

You sound like you have done very well to get to where you are now.

I think sometimes parents will never truly understand the effects they have on their children, you should never be make to feel guilty or responsible for your parents wellbeing. It is worth remembering that just because you are her daughter does not mean that you are her punching bag and it's not your job to be her emotional support system entirely. You have to look after you as the number one priority.

You can still love and be there for your parents however it is important to have boundaries. It's not you shutting her out, but you only give out what you think you are able to, whether that's being there for a short while for her, but wrapping that up when you have had enough not when she has had enough. Being kind to her is being kind to yourself so you can still be there for her but maintain your own wellbeing.

I know this is easier said than done however having boundaries is the only way to model a healthier relationship but still caring and being there for each other. eg if she is messaging you and. you don't feel like you have the emotional capacity to deal with what is going on.

Have you ever tried saying things like?

Mum, I am here for you and I hear you, however I am drain or don't have the emotional capacity for this today. This doesn't mean I don't love you or I am not going anywhere however I will need to check back in when I am doing a bit better. This is modeling a boundary.

Take care and I wish you the best with this

Re: You broke me mum

white knight — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 05:29:46 GMT

Hi, welcome

I know what you are feeling. When young we get programmed and this can end up excessive to the point hereby you feel that even when she passes away your mum will still be haunting you. My mum is 91yo and I havent seen her for 12 years. In denial she wouldnt see a GP about her erratic behaviour. Eventually I googled "queen witch hermit waif." That suited her and its the closest to a diagnosis I'll ever get.

You are correct, you are not responsible for your mums emotional well being. The best you can do is foremost to care for your own mental health. She is responsible for any laziness she had and she is also responsible for her children to grow up with a happy life and motivation.

Below is a thread I wrote some years ago. Bare in mind we cannot diagnose but it might assist you at least in removing any guilt you hold onto.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL- likely extreme BPD? - Beyond Blue Forums - 84873

GUILT the tormentor - Beyond Blue Forums - 321604

Tolerance of other people- the era of denial - Beyond Blue Forums - 17253

You mention her screaming and throwing things which leads me to think there is some extreme behaviour there. The "queen" trait in the google recommended reflects this in my mother. Then there is the crying and almost begging and I had that also.

The above threads you only need to read the first post of each. I hope they help and am here daily if you reply.

TonyWK

Re: You broke me mum

teaBee — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 05:48:03 GMT

I have tried talking to her but yes she always plays the victim card. Our relationship has improved since I moved out but I don’t think I’d ever tell her the true extent of how she hurt me because mentally I don’t think she can handle it

Re: You broke me mum

white knight — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 06:02:43 GMT

Yes, she isnt likely to realise the extent of damage.

My mum once had visitors staying for a week. After a few mornings whereby she'd bring out her small box of medication and while talking had her tablets on her tongue (LOL) my auntie got her tablets that were in a much larger box and said "If you want some competition you have it"!

Unfortunately the nature of some people is such that they wont change and as their children we have to tolerate it or go our separate ways. In your case your relationship has improved so keeping your distance is a good idea. She has to get the motivation to fill her life with social activities etc.

TonyWK

Re: You broke me mum

Fern42 — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 06:09:35 GMT

Sometimes they never will, and sometimes it's not worth your energy to try and tell her TeaBee.

Please take care

Constant nightmares

teaBee — Mon, 01 May 2023 02:40:37 GMT

So I’m 22 and I live with my boyfriend and some roommates. Life is pretty great and I’m very happy. But every night I seem to have nightmares. And they are very often about my parents. My mother was sick my entire life. So she’s shift between not spending any time with me, to yelling at me, to crying all the time. I had to take care of her and myself. My father left when I was a kid. I still would talk to him on the phone maybe like once a month and see him once a year. But my father is a bad man. He is registered and has criminal charges but never went to prison. There are huge gaps in my childhood memories. I remember friends and going to school but anything that happened at home is just gone. My mother has hurt me so much emotionally and she still does sometimes. She just doesn’t understand because she’s so mentally unwell. So I’m happy I’ve gotten away from the both of them but they haunt me all the time at night. I wake up feeling sad and hurt. I wake up feeling exhausted because it’s like I just had a massive battle in my head. I’m pretty good at handling all my problems but I don’t know what to do about these dreams. What do you suggest?