topic Don't even know in Depression

Don't even know

Lotus_85 — Thu, 23 Mar 2023 02:42:41 GMT

So... being having issues with my partner, I tend to complain about my stuff to work friends. I'm sure I blow it all out of proportion from my own screwed up way of seeing things. They r great, supportive,etc. But I no longer want them to be. I don't want them or anyone else to care about me, or pretend to. I gave my partner no compassion, no positive anything. Been on ssri on and off for nearly 15 yrs. It's blunting, I don't have compassion to give him. A few months back switched to anri to try and make him happy, less blunting, but only on the negative stuff really. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at work I have a good time with the girls and enjoy them. But I go home and it's gone. My kids must hate me. I just sit in my room and remove myself from life and watch others on TV instead.

In the last wk, I stopped my snri coz we were still fighting about me being heartless who doesn't care about him. So wats the point if taking pills if I'm still like that. In this last wk, I broke up with him, we told the kids, then I cried and crawled back... all in a day. I blew up my life, destroyed my kids... for nothing. Since, I'm ok with my partner, that ain't bothering me... but I am just... throwing myself into music to try and numb something. I am sad and angry and irritable and want ppl to stay away from me. I wake up ok, but as soon as someone, usually my kids talk to me, that's it. I'm all in my head. I lose my stuff or my obvious misery destroy everyone else's mood. Then I hate myself for it, alopologise over and over for everything I say outa place. And today I'm just angry. Punched the work Keyboard and scared my co-worker. Great work. I just want to be gone and have everything silent. But the silence is so deafening. (Would never hurt myself, just hope that the universe will do it for me).

Then I'm numb, no feeling, no emotion, until something happens I don't think and I lose it again. Don't even know y I'm writing this really. Just forget it. I just need to get over my cop-out and stop making excuses for bad behaviour

Re: Don't even know

Croix — Thu, 23 Mar 2023 12:08:36 GMT

Dear Mazzinia~

Welcome here to the Forum, even if you don't know why you are writing here your instincts are good, here you can look around and see others who have had similar porblems and how they coped.

For me when my depression has been in full swing my mind becomes completely occupied by the thoughts depression generates and leaves me wiht no capacity to deal with other people, particularly if I think the interactions are important and I should be able to do more. I, like oyu, was overwhemed by family though managed somewhat better at work.

This is very upsetting, frustrating, frightening and can lead to anger and self blame -as it did with me. I've been extremely hard to live wiht, on some occasions resentful, others angry, and mostly just wanting to be left alone.

My partner was basically at a loss until my psych explained my actions were well known symptoms. I'd not even be consistent - better one itme, furious the next.

You have talked about 2 sorts of meds and neither has been right. As a result your have all your symptoms from withdrawal to anguish and tears much greater than htey should be. I can relate.

I would like ot suggest that you go back to your medical team and explaining their treatments are not effective and other meds or therapies have to be considered. It took me a very long time to find the combination of meds that worked wihtout onerous side effects. It took a fair amout of determination and 'reasoning' wiht my medical team.

It has worked out, I"m now loved and loving, reliable and happy wiht myself, and take satisfaction from my efforts. I was a complete mess and I suspect if I can radically improve many others can too.

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

Re: Don't even know

Lotus_85 — Thu, 23 Mar 2023 22:49:49 GMT

I'm just so angry. There is no reason for it, just angry. Smashed a coffee mug this morning and punched and slammed my car door like a crazy person, coz my kid spoke to me. He spoke to me, and now he... I don't know. I do have a dr appt. Although I have amade and cancelled that 3 times in the last wk. I'm drinking a lot, smoking a lot. I was ok when I woke up until he spoke to me. How messed up is that, my kids can't even look at me without fear I'll lose it and start smashing stuff. My partner is moping around me, probably scared to say the wrong thing. I am destroy them all, just by being.

Last wkend me and hubby were fighting, before I blew everything up, and I got wasted and through everything on the table. Stuff I felt and why I thought I might be this way... including bringing up and using our past as an excuse ( 15yrs ago he was good, drugs, lies, theft, the lot) but that was 15 yrs ago and he has come a long way and I know that and appreciate that, but I just brought it all up. Was it to hurt him, to make excuses for who I am? I don't know. But it sure as hell wasn't helpful. Just destroyed him some more. It's all I seem to do, which is which I tried to leave him. He deserves someone to love him. And while I do, not the way I should. The main thing brought from that night was that I am a cop out and need to get over myself and everything from the past and make an effort and it will be fine. I was trying for a while there, but still not good enough. I am never good enough. For anyone, at anything.

Re: Don't even know

Croix — Fri, 24 Mar 2023 11:07:55 GMT

Dear Mazzania~

You do need to cut yourself some slack. At the moment you are talking about the obvious and unpleasant things, getting angry, smashing a cup, saying hurtful things ot your hubby and all. It's taking all your attention.

While I can see these I do see more, about the real you. You have hte perception to know you are not really in control of control anger, that the reasons for it are not the obvious ones, so must come from somewhere else. You want the best for hubby and kids and feel bad you do not think you are providing that.

You were skillful and loving enough to negotiate a path together after your hubby misbehaved in the past.

You try.

All this does not sound to me like a person who is 'not good enough'. It sounds like a person who is in a place that they do need assistance, and cancelling that doctor's appointment was probably not the best of ideas.

Even if you only ask what are the steps towards anger management htat could be a start. The reasons why can be examined when you are comfortable to do so.

Anger and drink are not things in themselves, that most often are responses and ways of coping. You can find better ways wiht help. My anger went right down as my treatment progressed.

Please do come here as often as you like, you will be welcome.

Croix

Re: Don't even know

therising — Fri, 24 Mar 2023 18:27:17 GMT

Hi Mazzania

It sounds like you have so much going on and it's completely understandable as to why it all feels so overwhelming. I feel for you so deeply as you're faced with so much torturous questioning at this point on your path.

Depression's definitely a tough one, to say the least. It's so multifaceted. From my own experience, I'd have to say it has mental, physical and even soulful/soul destroying elements to it. The inner dialogue, the chemistry and the heartbreak or heartache that comes with it can make it overwhelming on many levels. I can relate to trying to shift my chemistry and emotions through alcohol, having drank my way through long term depression, from late teens to 35, to some degree. From then 'til now, at 52, have managed periods of depression as a non drinker. Two very different experiences. While the rawness of emotions that comes with depression and not drinking can be harder to manage at times, there's not that self resentment when it comes to having said and done things through drinking. Having lived on both sides of the fence, I can relate to those feelings of self resentment and deep regret. They can be hard to live with on top of depression.

Might sound like a strange question but do you feel like everyone's waiting for you to be 'in a better mood'? Do you feel like everyone's waiting for you to be happier and less angry? Myself, I'm a gal who much prefers people rip the guts out of a depressing period I'm going through, laying it all on the table to be poked and prodded, questioned and explored. Kinda like 'Let's explore every aspect of this beast in order to understand how it came to be'. People simply waiting and hoping is of no service to someone who is so deeply depressed. Having been married for almost 21 years, it's only in the last year I've come to realise my husband's more so a 'waiter'.

I can't help but wonder whether the stress and heartbreak from all those years ago, with your husband, was ever fully resolved or whether it was a matter of 'just getting on with life' once he changed. Do you feel all that stuff's still in there, unresolved? Nothing quite like alcohol to bring up unresolved issues.

Re: Don't even know

Lotus_85 — Sat, 25 Mar 2023 01:53:49 GMT

Thx criox and the rising. I appreciate the words. I am feeling better this morning. Gunna do some housework and stuff while I'm feelin it. As for past stuff the rising, I think I'm past it, but I see little glimmers in things he says or does that throw me back to past shit sometimes, waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak, even though I know it won't. And yeh, ppl look at my pitifully and seem to be waiting for me to come good again. 2 of my work girls I have been with for 7 yrs, they have seen me go off meds a few times, and offer support and r great (even though it feels like pity, I know it's from a good place, ya know, and they dont think of it as that). And I appreciate u seeing my past efforts criox, I think ur the only person to ever have. Yeh I've been through a lot, or for the most part have come out the other side (even if it is mostly numbed to a lot of stuff). Then I do something stupid like go off meds. I would go fill a script today but then I just go back to 'heartless and uncompassionate' and that's the main reason I stopped them. Like, y bother taking them to try and make my family hate me less, if they still do, just for a diff reason. And I think writing this all out and seeing that I am not the only one that feels insane sometimes help a lil.

I have always been the doormat, the person that begs for ppl not to leave me and takes whateva I need to for them yo stay, even as a kid. So when I think someone will hate me for something I have said or done, I'm scared I guess, of wat they think of me, that they never really liked me, it was all in my head and I should know better.... anyway, groceries to put away. Thx guys

Re: Don't even know

Croix — Sat, 25 Mar 2023 13:00:35 GMT

Dear Mazzania~

I'm glad things seem a bit better today, and I'm sure you are worried it might not last. Just getting you scrip filled is a good step, consulting to find a more beneficial med might be a better step (yes, I know, I'm nagging 🙄 However I'm simply passing on what has worked for me)

I'm not the only one to see your past efforts - you know them too, but sadly in your present state do not value them as they deserve. I would not be that surprised if your hubby did not recognize them too.

You have work colleagues who have remained concerned friends for 7 years despite ups and downs. Nobody does that for somebody they do not value and like - so what does that say about you?

Depression gave me blinkers like on a draft horse. I could only see what depression supplied for me to see and it did not let me see anything else. So I was blind to my strengths and good qualities, and sadly also blind to hope and a view of a better life. From what I read that sounds a bit like you.

I seriously doubt your family hate you, frankly you may be difficult at times but are not someone to hate (I've met some who are). There is a deep well of love kids (and some hubbys) have that comes to the fore in hard times.

With oyur view of your it is quite a possibility that kids who behave like doormats do so for a reason, and it becomes a way of life. It does not have to be a life sentence. (I hope that makes sense). I have every faith in you, you deserve and can have a better life.

Croix

Re: Don't even know

therising — Wed, 29 Mar 2023 20:28:52 GMT

Hi Mazzania

Took me decades to realise how depressing being an intense people pleaser could be at times, that doormat factor. One day there was some part of me that finally came to life dictating 'This has got to stop!'. Up 'til then I'd found myself, for years, in some depressing repetitive cycle I wasn't fully conscious of. Like with a clock face the cycle would always go something like...

At 12: Life's good. I'm happy. Quarter past: I begin to feel challenged. The inner dialogue starts up, 'What's wrong with me? Why am I starting to feel so sad?' etc. Half past: Inner dialogue becomes depressing, 'You're not trying hard enough (to make people happy). You're a horrible person. You're hopeless and useless' etc. Quarter to: Cue anger and resentment, 'I try so hard to please people and nothing's good enough. They're a bunch of bleeping ungrateful bleeps. I don't care anymore. They can all go to hell!' The resentful dictator kicks in, dictating to everyone what they should be doing in the first place (cleaning up after themselves, being more thoughtful etc). 5 to 12: 'I know what the problem is. If I try to make this/that person happy in this or that way, they'll be happy. That's what the problem is, I haven't tried this before'. 12 o'clock: Here we are again, back in happiness, based on some truly inspirational revelation that leads me to be a more open minded person who tries harder to please people while feeling the joy of it all.

While the cycle's always led me to evolve in some way, with me becoming more conscious, more open minded etc, it's basically a depressing cycle. Only 15 minutes is joyful, largely based on pleasing others. The rest is about sadness, self chastisement, self hatred and anger/resentment.

One of my biggest revelations came recently on a yoga mat (private lessons with an amazing woman). At 52, it was the first time I'd tried yoga. In short, lying down with eyes closed, the meditation involved me gradually turning up the corners of my mouth into a smile. While being instructed to pull that smile deeply into myself, I suddenly burst into tears and cried for about 5 minutes. It felt like overwhelming grief and relief mixed together. I had no idea, 'til this moment, just how much I had missed giving happiness to myself.

Re: Don't even know

Lotus_85 — Thu, 30 Mar 2023 00:00:41 GMT

That rings so true therising... I don't even know wat to write, or y... a wk and a half ago I got so over it all, I ended it with hubby, he told the kids I don't want him any more that was it, he told me how selfish I was for destroying him and ruining my kids. He told me he had nothing to live for if I ended it. I went for a drive, got all in my head, cried so much and freaked out everytime there was a car going in my direction. I wanted to be alone and it was like they were following me so I couldn't be. Which is irrational. A few hours past and I didn't know if I was doing the right thing (despite doing it numerous times over the yrs, with the same response from him) and folding. Saying I didn't mean, I will try harder, I will do better. I don't wanna blow up kids lives, I don't want to be broke and homeless. I don't want them to chose him and hate me for ruining their lives. So here I am, back in my cycle. And I HATE it here. I can't leave, I can't. There abundantly clear, this is my life and I just need to keep pushing through, just as I have done for 18yrs so far. I hoped that night, so deep within my soul, that either a roo would jump in front of me while I was driving fast and could hardly see through the sobbing. That would've solved everyone's problems. Or even wished a lil that he would've followed through on his threat. I would at least end that piece of pain that consumes so much of me.

Since then my kids keep hugging me. It probably should feel reassuring, comforting. But it feels forced, like pity, like they don't know how to be near me for fear I will flip out.

Re: Don't even know

Lotus_85 — Wed, 29 Mar 2023 22:46:18 GMT

Someone drank some poppers they should’ve (stupid I know) but I got contradicting stories from hubby and my eldest. And told them both I don’t know who is lying coz I wasn’t there, but I’m done being lied to. Hubby accused me of treating him like lying junkie scum even after he changed and doesn’t do that, doesn’t lie to me, and whatever. I wasn’t trying to do that. I just can’t give him blind faith after it all. I always doubt what’s said. And despite him saying he hasn’t lied since 15 yrs ago... he seems to forget there were relapses. Several, and multiple times I knew he was lying, had him on camera 5 yrs ago stealing my smokes when he constantly told me he didn’t touch them (I let it go, never brought up the video, so y go to such lengths to bust him in a lie if it was only to torment me, and not prove my point) no idea. Just wat I do I guess.

Don’t get me wrong, I get glimpses of happiness in my life, but it’s never just happy. I go out with the girls maybe 5 times a yr, but that gets thwon at me that I always go out, it’s all the time and I can have fun with them, but he doesn’t get fun me. Fun me hid from him long ago. Anything I do I either get in trouble for, or if I don’t, I get in my head that I will and it ruins it anyway. Usually thrown in my face later to make me feel shit like I’m mean to him. I got a woe is me convo over how he isn’t included in... those girls nights. Ffs. They weren’t about him. But he turns it into me reflecting him. I can’t even. I don’t even know wat I am doing with life anymore, not that I ever did

And I don’t even know if I make my own turmoil of crap in my head, or if I am stuck in the past, or if it’s all a learned response from everything I have dealt with over the yrs.

I don’t know. Am I just ruining everyone around me for my own..... don’t know wat to call it. Maybe I want misery. Y else would I still be in it after all these yrs. Y else would I hate everything that I am.

Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Sophie_M — Thu, 30 Mar 2023 00:18:57 GMT

Hi Mazzania,

This is such powerful conversation, thank you for starting this discussion and sharing an update today. We hope you don't mind us popping in, we can hear you’re dealing with an extremely difficult situation, so we wanted to reach out and let you know that we’re here if you'd like to talk it through. We've reached out to you privately, and you can call us on 1300 22 4636 or reach us on webchat, here.

It is never ok for someone to make threats, or make you feel that you are trapped in a situation that isn’t safe for you. We want to encourage you to call 1800 RESPECT on 180 737 732 to discuss what's been going on for you and your family. They will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way, and you can connect with them discreetly on the phone or via their website, here.

It might be helpful for the community to know if you have any professional mental health support around you, currently? We can hear you've been thinking of reaching out to the GP, we’d really encourage you to make another appointment – they can help. If it’s hard to speak out to them, some people find writing down a few things to discuss with them and taking it to the appointment can help.

It must have taken a lot of courage to write your story and we want to thank you for being so brave. We can hear you want the best for your kids, and that's a really powerful thing. You never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own experience.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Lotus_85 — Thu, 30 Mar 2023 00:50:45 GMT

Hey Sophie, I'm not unsafe, just feel trapped in a life of my own making. I did see my gp and got put on diff meds, and he is referring me to a psychiatrist, maybe so they can get up me keeping on stopping my meds. I dunno. My life is a making of my own devise. I put myself here and I need to learn to deal with it. Back on my original numbing meds was easier for that, but that didn't make him happy coz I was heartless, uncompassionate, uninterested (still am just differently ya know) I can fake interest in him better I guess. I mean I love him, I guess. And I'm sure I just exaggerate everything. But it feels deep. Even though at the same time it feels as though... it should cut so deep and I'm just being dramatic. Maybe I am and it's all in my head. Maybe he is near perfect now. I just need to be more tolerant an open to him, despite my fear of it biting me in the a$$. Maybe I just need to accept that I am a broken person and I can't make anyone happy, I just contort everything to destroy myself. I just don't know.

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Lotus_85 — Thu, 30 Mar 2023 02:43:35 GMT

I think I just need a few weeks for meds to kick in, and me to get over myself after the whole blow out the other wkend. Then I can go back to coasting through and periodically fighting about me not making an effort in our relationship. That's my as happy as it gets mostly.. ill get back there.

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

therising — Thu, 30 Mar 2023 06:38:02 GMT

Hi Mazzania

I wish we could magically find ourselves together at some cafe somewhere having a good old pressure cooker kind of vent, so as to let off steam and make sense of everything. I have a feeling we'd agree we're trying so hard without fully realising just how hard we're trying to manage mentally, physically and even on some soulful level.

I imagine we'd be comparing lists, the kind of lists that add up to how everyone, in some direct or round about way, lets you know how you've failed them or are failing on some level. While I think of the many facets that make up who we are, I think about the people pleaser. I think about that part of us that I feel so sorry for or so much sorrow for at times. Trying to convince that part today 'Sweetie, I love you so much. You're so beautiful. You try so hard, harder than what everyone knows or imagines'. Was one of those days where the people pleaser in me was just so sad and wounded. I could hear that part of me with its internal dialogue, crying 'I'll never be good enough' while being fully convinced of it. See, I haven't fully mastered getting out of that cycle.

If I was to channel the intolerant cow in me, she'd say 'Oh...my...god, seriously? Have you not learned by now, people can be ungrateful a-holes. They will not see all you've done for them, not that you expect anything in return. All they will see is how you've ripped them off in some way, in this moment, where you didn't serve them again'. The intolerant cow in me is feisty, very chatty at times and highly intolerant 😁

Seeing we can't meet for breakfast tomorrow, I suggest the intolerant cows in us take the people pleasers in us out for breaky instead or maybe a deep tissue massage later in the day, to release some of what's built up over time. If anyone tries to stop us, the cow can demand 'Mooooove out of my way, I'm coming through!'.

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Lotus_85 — Sat, 01 Apr 2023 05:49:46 GMT

I'm feeling ok today. Nothing special, just wanna chill and watch TV but I'm ok. Had some motivation this morning, but that's gone. That's ok tho. I think I just need to get outa my head a bit. Some days that makes no sense or possibility to me, but today it does. So ima take the win for now

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

therising — Tue, 04 Apr 2023 20:53:42 GMT

Hi Mazzania

So hard to get out of our head for so many different reasons. Whether people want to call it 'dwelling', 'rehashing', 'over analysing' or something else, being stuck in there desperately looking for reasons as to why we think, feel and behave the way we do is definitely a challenge. Being a compulsive analyst, always having to find a reason/education can get pretty tormenting yet I always reach a conclusion or revelation. I'm not addicted to over thinking, I'm addicted to gaining greater understanding and the upswing feeling of a significant revelation. Not gaining a form of greater understanding throughout a number of weeks (regarding self, others, situations etc) is also known as 'Being stuck in torment for weeks'. Definitely has a feel to it.

Might sound strange but I gave up on gaining motivation not too long ago. While I think we can have a motive to move it when something pushes us to (like with packing our child's lunch for school so they don't starve), it's hard when the motive's not there or obvious. Instead of looking for a motive, I try looking to gain energy instead. The other day I was given a 1 hour massage and strangely enough walked away with more energy than when I went in. If energy (in its simplest form) is about 'blocks', 'stagnation', 'flows', 'production/conduction' etc, that massage got things moving and conducting a tiny bit and all I had to do was lie there. Keeping it moving and building upon it remain the challenges.

What could others in the family do without so that you could accumulate some dollars here and there while saving for a massage, for example? We all need something to look forward to.

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Lotus_85 — Sun, 09 Apr 2023 05:33:21 GMT

Today I was going to take the kids to the beach, do some together for Easter, before the hot weather is gone for another summer. We never do anything. One of them made it clear he wasn't interested unless both the other boys come. That was the plan but to be given an ultimatum over how I can do something for them frustrated me .... I belittled him, told him I shouldn't even bother and all he cares about is the xbox and youtube. I'm not taking them anywhere, no longer interested in being around them or doing anything for them. What kind of a mother am I?

I don't often do anything with them, which is neglectful I know. But every time I do manage to muster the oomph to try and do something, I fail in some way and it's all for nothing. They hate me more than before I bothered. I get angry when the kids put up a fight or say they don't wanna or something. So I don't bother again... for months. My kids r 11, 15 and 17. I won't even have them around much longer and I have wasted the time we have... and I still just wanna watch tv alone. I don't want to be near them mostly. It's a chore when they say anything to me, like they r an inconvenience. How messed up is that.

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Lotus_85 — Sun, 09 Apr 2023 07:38:03 GMT

I was spose to go to a work friends tomorrow. She is having a bbq.. come along, bring ya kids go for a swim... I told her I'm not going after today. Not only do I not really wanna be around ppl... but it's insulting to my kids to even think about doing that when I can't even spend time with them. I don't take them anywhere, not that they would wanna go unless I was buying them food or something anyway. I am so neglectful emotionally, that my 11yo can't even handle ANYTHING without crying. I have broken my kids and they will grow up to be broken, depressed and emotionally fragile ppl... because of me. I had no right to have kids. No right at all. And now they have to suffer through a life which will no doubt be filled with disappointment and misery. Coz that's life. And I bestowed that upon them. Wat a motherly gift...

Do ppl actually like being around ppl, around their family. In the movies they all have great summer bbqs with friends and fam and all that stuff... I've tried on the odd occasion, it ain't wat it seems on TV. I don't enjoy the company, despite seeming happy, bubbly, sarcastically inappropriate with the girls at work... I'm relieved wen it's over too.

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Croix — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 12:32:54 GMT

Dear Mazzinia~

You are having a very hard time at the moment, and I would not be surprised if your change of meds may have had something to do with it.

You are also talking about being a bad mother, not wanting to be wiht the kids or anyone, and blaming yourself becuse you don't want to do anything. You also compare yourself with those in movies or on TV - a bit unrealistic.

When you started this thread you were talking about your partner, and the reason you tried to switch meds. He must have as much responsibility for your kids as you do, parenting even at the best of times is a team effort. So is there any reason he was not helping organize that Easter trip to the beach?

When I've been having depression at its worst my mind is so full of the thoughts that depression put there , and I'm so exhausted as a result, I've had no mental room or energy left to deal with others -loved ones or anyone. I just want to be left alone.

At the same time I've been angry and resentful when people have tried ot reach out to me, even when it is only to ask how I feel. I've overreacted a lot. At those times I've blamed myself and thought all the bad things around me were my fault.

It is only later I was able to sort out what was the real me and what was symptoms.

You do care about being a mother and your kids, it comes out in what you talk about. You are really an OK person held down by symptoms. If you are like me things can get an awful lot better.

Croix

Re: Hi Mazzania, This is such powerful conversation, thank...

Lotus_85 — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 04:26:07 GMT

Thx Croix.

The Easter thing... he doesn't help. I'm lucky if he comes along for the ride most of the time (not that there has been any time of late). My whole adult life I have been with him. Most of.my adult life almost has either been this person that I am or numbed from meds (which I prefer). But with that numbing came fights about me being uncompasionate and lack of sex. Hence I gave up my numbing to try other avenues, which so far ain't working so well. I'm on a diff med atm, 3 wks in so not helping atm. Hopefully it will do something at some point.

I appreciate ur words. But I feel empty, useless and angry all at the same time.