topic Re: Living In Australia Help in Depression

Living In Australia Help

ogtbird — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 15:46:49 GMT

Hi,

This is a difficult post. I moved to Australia about 12 years ago from the UK. I tried hard to make AUSTRALIA and Western Australia my home but I struggled so much being away from family and friends in the UK. I also found Western Australia very insular and remote.

I bought houses had kids got a permanent visa to try and mask the underlying feelings about living here. Fast forward over a decade my marriage has failed and I just exist seeing my son a few times a week working a job I despise. I havr hardly any friends due to my marriage breakdown. I have no idea where to turn to. My son is only 7 and he to will be affected by the apathetic and negative attitude towards the country I tried to call home. I feel trapped and just feel like ending it all. I just cannot be bothered with life anymore.

Re: Living In Australia Help

smallwolf — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 11:31:01 GMT

hello,

Not sure if you are just venting or asking for something.... I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with feeling trapped and alone in a place that you tried to call home. It sounds like you've been through a lot and have been dealing with these feelings for a long time.

Is there anyone you have been or able to talk to? Have you considered speaking with a therapist or counselor? They can offer you guidance and support in working through these difficult emotions. Your son is lucky to have you as his parent and it's important to take care of yourself so that you can be there for him.

If you want to chat... I can listen.

Re: Living In Australia Help

ogtbird — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 15:49:12 GMT

It’s difficult. After we split my ex said she was disappointed I didn’t make more of AUSTRALIA but she has family here. I tried so hard. I recently returned to the UK after 5 years my immediate family said they regret me moving to Western Australia. They also said they would support a move back leaving my son here as they hardly know him as they cannot afford the flight over here and now have zero interest in visiting now my marriage has ended. Made me feel even worse. It’s pointless talking to anyone. If there is a hell I am living it on a daily basis. I live somewhere I no longer have any desire to be paying child maintenance to see a child a few times a week. My son is not lucky to have me as I offer no parental guidance as I am no longer his full time father. It is a best a horrendous Groundhog Day going through the motions on a daily basis.

Re: Living In Australia Help

Summer Rose — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 12:06:50 GMT

Hi ogtbird

I’m really sorry to hear about the position you find yourself in. I know it’s tough.

I have lived in Australia for over 30 years now (marriage, house and kids like you) and understand how challenging it is to make a new country home. I struggled for many years. Homesickness is a universal powerful force that is deeply unsettling and painful. You are not alone.

It is, of course, possible for you to return to the UK, but you would need legal advice about an international parenting plan. Holidays and visits aren’t the same as weekly contact, but that doesn’t mean they’re better or worse. Just different.

But, the thing is, you won’t be returning to the country or people you left. Just like your life, everyone’s life has also changed and your country itself has evolved. Just something to think about.
Your other option is to work on improving the life you have here. Look for another job, for starters. Try getting involved in your son’s school and extracurricular activities—this is a great way to meet new people and you already have a common interest, the kids. Perhaps you could aim to try and see more of Australia with your son—it really is a beautiful amazing country. Maybe you two could create some awesome memories that might help you feel more connected.

If you stay, my best piece of advice is to decide that you’re not going to wake up everyday wishing you were somewhere else. That’s no way to live. Make a conscious decision to appreciate your life and make the most of it.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Living In Australia Help

Croix — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 12:07:19 GMT

Dear Ogtbird~

I'd like to join Smallwolf in welcoming you back. I'm sorry thinks have not worked as one might wish.

Apart from marriage breakup and lousy job I would not be surprised if homesickness did not play its part too. Mind you when I did go back ot the UK for a holiday after around 15 years I found it was a very different place from the one I remembered.

I do think you got some good suggestions from TonyWK in your previous thread some time ago, and while I"\'m not going to repeat them here they may be worth a re-visit

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-destroying-everything/m-p/557855/highlight/true#M49238

Having a child you love, and getting on reasonably with you ex are both plusses though you may not be able to see that due to the depression you mentioned before (I could not see the good things eihter)

Can I suggest you get medical assistance, and if you have it already please have a frank talk wiht them and say the therapy/meds are not working effectively. I found there was a lot of changes and tweaking before I found something that worked well with minimal side-effects. Now I live a good life as a result, having remarried just under 50 (after my first wife passed away) - something that has been wonderful.

If you would like to talk some more here we would like that.

Croix

Re: Living In Australia Help

ogtbird — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 05:32:06 GMT

Thanks for the points all. I am getting in touch with my GP. The first hurdle is to stop wishing my life away. Whether that’s UK or Australia this is the first step.

Re: Living In Australia Help

Summer Rose — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 05:39:55 GMT

Hi ogtbird

I think that’s a courageous and smart move. Good on you!

I’d like to encourage you to make a double appointment, so you have plenty of time to talk it all through. And, of course, to wish you all the best for your appointment.

Please post anytime. We will all do our best to support you as you work through the process.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Living In Australia Help

ogtbird — Wed, 15 Mar 2023 18:12:33 GMT

Hi - I decided to cancel my appointment. I cannot hide from the fact that I just don't like living in Australia. Specifically WA. It is nothing against the people or the country. There's no getting away from it. If I'm not settled now after over 10 years I'm never going to be. It's so isolated here I've felt trapped for the last 10 years. And now I need to ask permission to see my own son or go on holiday. It is no way to live. Especially when there is zero family support and very little friends. The route I am going to now proceed with is as suggested as international parenting plan. I think it is the only way out of this madness. Living in WA - I'm practically living paycheck to paycheck and with the rental situation one month away from being homeless. It wasn't meant to be like this.

Re: Living In Australia Help

Summer Rose — Thu, 09 Mar 2023 10:21:19 GMT

Hi ogtbird

You’ve made a big decision. I’m wondering how you felt afterwards. Relieved? Scared? Excited? Sad? Determined? Or, maybe a mix or something else entirely?

I’d like to suggest that you sit with the decision for awhile and see how your feel in time. I wouldn’t share your thinking with your ex or your child at this stage, as this will cause fear and upset.
If finances are tight, it might pay to work out the costs of implementing your decision to ensure it’s feasible. Expert family law advice will be essential, as you don’t want to do anything that will damage your parental rights, particularly if you were to leave without a proper agreement and then seek to negotiate access to your son.

You might want to consider still seeing your GP and perhaps organising psychological support as you move through this process. It really does help to have a safe place to vent, explore issues and feelings and to manage stress.

Just my initial thoughts.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Living In Australia Help

ogtbird — Sat, 11 Mar 2023 15:04:11 GMT

I don’t feel anything. Just numb. It’s pointless seeing a GP money I don’t have. Counsellor again money I don’t have. I don’t need to pay money for someone to tell me how to breathe or take meds. Look at my 7 year old son. Alone in Western Australia. No family. Nothing. What a miserable life he will have in this dump 😂 not seen or spoke to another human all week besides a 7 year old. I despise it so much here 😂

Re: Living In Australia Help

Croix — Sun, 12 Mar 2023 12:29:36 GMT

Dear Ogtbird~

You sound very down, and in that state, as least when I have been the same, everything can look black and hopeless

You do indeed have a lot that is not right, being short of money, only seeing your son intermittently, and being isolated wiht a poor job. I can see why you might have no faith in a GP or counselor, particularly if there is a gap fee you cannot afford. All that plus the ever present home-sickness too.

One thing I found was that isolation made things worse, there was only me and my predicament to concentrate on. At 7 years old I'd think you son might be in pre-primary. While I realize you go to work is there any way you can take part in school activities as a parent? It may be a way to be wiht more people.

Croix

Re: Living In Australia Help

Summer Rose — Mon, 13 Mar 2023 05:34:18 GMT

Hi Ogtbird

I think Croix has hit the nail on the head: the way we view a situation is often a reflection of how we’re feeling. I say this from my personal experience, too.

It follows that if you can lift your mood and/or treat your depression you can change the way you think and the way you see the situation. I know this is possible, as I have done it myself. I also know that it may be hard for you to see this now.

I hear you about not wanting to see a GP or counsellor right now and understand why you feel this way. I can only tell you that the only way to know for sure that a professional can’t help you is to stop trying. But please remember that, if you give treatment a chance at some point down the road, you will have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Perhaps for now you could try, as Croix suggested, to get involved at your son’s school. Or, try to get outside for a walk each day. Or, try to engage in an activity you enjoy—reading, gardening, fishing—anything that you enjoy to help balance out the pain.

The challenging part about seeking help and healing from mental health issues is that no one can do it for you. Somehow each of us has to find the strength to fight for better days ahead. It’s not fair, I know, but I believe you can do this one small step at a time.

Kind thoughts to yo

Re: Living In Australia Help

ogtbird — Wed, 15 Mar 2023 18:09:43 GMT

Thanks for the responses it is much appreciated. The main reason my marriage collapsed is because of my negativity towards WA and AUSTRALIA. No counselling or medication will ever change that. Ever.

That said I am starting to force myself to try and behave more positively. I saw my son Friday and Saturday then met my girlfriend and a friend for a drink on Sunday. I’ve started to listen to a podcast called The Mindset Master and I’m writing a gratitude list each day.

Rather than talk about it I’m actively looking at researching two events that may occur in the next 6 months. First is me buying a small unit or apartment in WA. The second is the international parenting plan. Look at the financial feasibility of each. How they would work. Work on them like a project.

Thanks for listening it is much appreciated. More updates to follow ❤️🔥

Re: Living In Australia Help

Summer Rose — Mon, 13 Mar 2023 23:07:01 GMT

Hi ogtbird

You sound like you’re currently in a much better place, I’m glad.

For what it’s worth, for your research, I’ve known two families over the years with international arrangements.

A woman with a son who returned to Australia from the UK following the breakdown of her marriage. Her ex had access to their son over several holiday periods a year. Another was a woman who left her husband and returned to the UK with their two children and again the father had access visits. Both arrangements involved the fathers travelling until the children were old enough to travel independently. I don’t know the details of how these arrangements were negotiated, paid for, or if or how it affected child support payments. I’m sure you will find out in time.

I’m really pleased that you’ve decided to try and be more positive. Two thoughts for your consideration.
I’m wondering, if you haven’t already tried this, if it might ease your homesickness to connect with other expats in Perth? Facebook likely has expat groups and you could also see if your local community has a Facebook group where you might connect with other expats. I only mention it as I used to long to talk to people about my home country who actually got what I was saying.

I hear you when you say that your negativity towards Perth and Australia is strong and resolute. I’m not trying to change your mind, but gently want to point out that that negativity has cost you an awful lot. You might feel better if you could let some of it go.

I’m not saying you have to like Australia or Perth, but maybe you could like one or two things about them? It’s just that I’ve found over my life that rarely is anything or anyone ALL bad. If you look, you will usually find some redeeming feature. And finding this might help you feel less negative.

As I said, just my thoughts.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Living In Australia Help

ogtbird — Wed, 15 Mar 2023 18:05:50 GMT

Just a bit of a background. I also broke my shoulder and wrist after my separation and spent 7 months in isolation in my house. I had just started a new job and I was paying rent plus mortgage on a property here in Australia and the UK. It is incredible how close I was to being homeless. I somehow got through it alone. Many friends both Australian and English (LOL) knew exactly that had happened but not many people reached to assist physically and mentally. Standard 'Are You OK' response LOL.

Coupled with WA shutting it's borders for two years and the general terrible way Australia treated immigrants during covid (please leave) really sent me over the edge. I am not a covid sceptic at all but the whole experience has left a bad taste about Australia - one that I will possibly never recover from. So for me - living in Western Australia is just a means to an end. That's just life.

I have started to get back in contact with other ex-pats in WA. I actually attended a concert last night here.

So for me it's a case of getting on with things at the moment but working on the two project - apartment and international parenting plan.

Thanks for the support.

Re: Living In Australia Help

Summer Rose — Thu, 16 Mar 2023 22:05:54 GMT

Hi ogtbird

I’m sorry that you did it so tough during Covid. Unfortunately, I don’t know many people who survived without any physical, emotional, psychological or financial scars. Myself and our family included.

I’m in Victoria, where we endured the longest lockdowns in the world. It really was a terrible time with far reaching negative consequences, and there were many decisions the government made that I didn’t agree with. Decisions that deeply hurt people. But I believe the people in power were doing their best in a very challenging situation without any malice. To be fair, mistakes were made by governments worldwide.

I’m not trying to negate your experience, just letting you know that you’re not alone.

For me and our family, it’s been a journey back to ordinary life and my daughter who has a serious chronic mental health condition is still struggling.
At the same time, a lot of money was thrown at mental health and a focus on including “lived experience” voices in decision-making has emerged. I have embraced this opportunity and now volunteer on several committees trying to help shape positive change in the mental health ecosystem.

It helps me to feel less powerless and gives me a positive focus to direct my energy towards.

And for me, I can separate the government of the day from Australia and its people.
Take beyond blue and this wonderful forum as an example. A collective of kind, caring, supportive, inclusive, welcoming Australians. This is also Australia.

You take care and when you have time let us know how you’re going.

Kind thoughts to you