topic Re: I have no reason to keep on trying in Depression

I have no reason to keep on trying

Hollywoo — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 11:33:04 GMT

There is nothing in my life but work, sleep, repeat. I'm alive to pay bills.

I can't find happiness in anything and I have tried EVERYTHING. Hobbies. Exercise. Volunteering. Gardening. Reading. Sports. Changing jobs. Travel. Nothing gives me joy. I have no passion for anything.

I have no family connections. Making friends feels like torture. I feel so disconnected from everyone I know. I genuinely don't enjoy spending time with people. I don't enjoy spending time by myself. Sleep is the best part of my life.

I have spent countless thousands of dollars of therapy, hospital stays and medications. Nothing helps.

What am I holding on for? What am I supposed to do? The more I think about how fruitless life is, the more it feels like the walls are closing in and I'm suffocating.

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

Fiatlux — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 23:23:33 GMT

Hi Hollywood,

I could have written your post except that I have adult children who I love and live for.

Depression can be a very dark cloud and today for some reason I feel very low. It has been building all week.

I am however holding on in the hope that something in the future will end this cycle of a rather depressed life. I don't have the answer for you, but I am sure that you will make a break through. If nothing else, I think of all the good books that I could read in my retirement. Any hope is better than none.

Keep in Touch

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

Hollywoo — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 09:29:41 GMT

But I don't have any hope at all

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

therising — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 09:15:23 GMT

Hi Hollywoo

I hate it, I really do, the way depression can exist for years on end and you can meet dozens or hundreds of people over that time and try dozens or hundreds of different strategies you've never tried before (a variety of meds included) in order to try and raise yourself out of it and nothing, absolutely nothing makes any outstanding difference. That in itself is depressing. Nothing working is depressing. Of course, I don't have to tell you that.

Took me more than 15 years to finally find something that made a difference. Then it became about all the differences after that, with each brief period of depression I've experienced. Being a sensitive gal, I'm sensitive to what feels depressing. Whether it's a seriously depressing lack of energy, a depressing low level of B12, a depressing mind altering period of dark internal dialogue, a depressing relationship breakdown or a depressing period of grieving over a significant lack of something, they're all things you can really feel when you can sense so easily.

Not sure if you can relate but I've found a factor that tends to make all the depressing stuff much harder is when no one around you can feel those things the way you do. A lot of life can involve a level of dismissiveness that can become seriously triggering at times. You can say, for example, 'I just don't like meeting people' and someone shuts that down with 'But you have to'. They don't care to try and get a feel for how an introvert gets a sense of how challenging it can be to meet people (based on a number of reasons). Introverts typically don't vibe with a lot of different natures. They can only tolerate a certain nature in a person. They do not like small talk, which makes meeting strangers almost painful. They're often real 'feelers', easily feeling the discomfort in themself and others and they can also feel or get a sense of when they're being judged. They can also feel the volume/amount of people in a room, which can get pretty overwhelming. The list goes on. Nup, not too many people will try and get a sense of all that. They'll simply tell you 'You have to get out and meet people'.

Would you say you're pretty good at sensing the nature of others?

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

Echtis — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 09:25:06 GMT

I don't know what to say, because I feel precisely the same way. My low mood is inescapable and seemingly untreatable.

All I can really say is we have to hold on, you're not in this alone, and killing yourself is not the answer. I don't know if it gets better, but I know if I die it certainly won't.

I don't know if that helps, it probably doesn't.

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

Hollywoo — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 13:59:20 GMT

I'm not good at being alive let alone being in tune with the nature of others. 😕

I've been trying to get better for 20 years. How much longer do I have to keep trying before someone can just admit to me there's no point? Another 20 years? I simply can't stand it anymore

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

therising — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 21:48:44 GMT

Hi Hollywoo

Do you think anyone has ever come close to putting their finger on why you face depression. There can be so many different things that can lead people into a depression and unless someone can pick the specific reason, there's simply no way of coming out of it.

Some mind based or mental factors can relate to the way we're raised or should I say brought down, based on the belief systems that are put into our head and/or the skills not given to us in managing life. Of course trauma can be a major factor, with post traumatic stress lasting for decades, until someone finally addresses it for the person who suffers through it. Some body based or physical factors can relate to an issue with the brain, including issues with neurotransmitters and receptors and therefor chemical production. A brain that's labelled as being on the autism spectrum, for example, can be sometimes a depressing and anxiety inducing brain to be working with, especially if the people around don't care to better understand it. Sleep apnea, a depressing vitamin deficienciency, the inability to produce quite a number of chemical reactions needed to be able to feel our energy and experiences, the list goes on. Then there's the soul based factor which of course isn't everyone's cup of tea, such a topic. Basically, from a soulful perspective 'How can we hope to enjoy what we feel absolutely no connection to - life'. Long term depression is definitely a soul destroying experience.

Then there can be a complex combination of factors that can lead us in and out of depression to the point where it feels like we have the occasional good times within years of feeling depressed. Depressing factors from childhood can come to the surface and be managed to some degree before a chemical deficiency kicks in some time later, which is addressed, and then sleep apnea develops, which is addressed, before over all life exhaustion or chronic fatigue and the inability to make a connection to anything (including our own feelings) is experienced. A long line of depressing factors. If none of those things were addressed, it would all become intolerable. It would resemble a life a torture.

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

Hollywoo — Sun, 13 Nov 2022 01:09:14 GMT

The reason I have depression is pretty straightforward. Both my parents have it. So I was raised by 2 chronically depressed people. Nothing can be done to change that. The condition is hard-wired into my brain. I've addressed all of this in therapy to no avail. You are correct. It is a life of torture.

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

therising — Sun, 13 Nov 2022 09:22:46 GMT

Hi Hollywoo

Sometimes when I hear people say depression in certain cases is inherited, I always question first how we have been taught to live and see life, based on the teachings, mindset and behaviour of those who have raised us/brought us down (who have elements of depression). I can understand how we can be born with genes that are switched on to behave a certain way, while we being grown in the womb, but based on certain teachings within the field of epigenetics we can switch gene expression off. The thing I love most about this field of study is the idea we are not necessarily doomed to suffer through inherited genes. Potential triggers exist that allow us to switch gene expression off at certain points in our life. Such triggers hold holy grail like status.

So many elements to being conditioned to face depression, so many. Over the years I have wondered on occasion what such conditioning looks like, as I've striven to better understand myself. A few you might be able to relate to:

'Story telling'. When you tell a parent of a great opportunity and they tell you a story all about how it will work to be one of your biggest mistakes, if you take it. Such conditioning, with story after story can lead us to become expert depressing story tellers our self. So, we gradually become really good at what's bad
The conditioning involved in never being taught how to raise your self in so many various ways. In other words, being conditioned through a depressing lack
Being constantly led to get a really good feel for or sense of everything that is a downer or depressing. You're taught such focus. You're typically not led to develop a good sense when it comes to a variety of other emotions. What does 'peace' feel like or 'inspiration', for example? What kind of energy in motion do they have? Can you feel that energy in motion or e-motion? I think sometimes we can feel them but are never led to truly recognise them. For example, 'peace' is the feeling of when you're trying so hard to keep your eyes open so as not to fall asleep and then you finally give yourself permission to close them. That is peace. You can feel it in those few seconds of permission

Just some examples.

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

Hollywoo — Mon, 14 Nov 2022 11:36:03 GMT

Um yeah I guess after so many years of trying to turn that part of my brain off by recognising triggers with zero sucess it gets to a point of like why. Why am I even trying? What do you do when you run out of options and hope. I've heard the theory stuff inside and out. Knowing it doesn't fix it.

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

therising — Wed, 16 Nov 2022 10:57:07 GMT

Hi Hollywoo

I imagine you'd agree that a skill or tool is only good if it works or if you can relate to it, otherwise it's simply theory without the ability to practice it.

Sometimes I wish my parents had given me a stack of skills and tools. Would have made life so much easier but, of course, our parents can't give us what wasn't given to them. Go back through the generations and we'd probably find a number of the skills or tools we so desperately need were never there. So, it's like you're the first in generations to feel the serious need to access certain tools and develop certain skills. Perhaps the need was there in previous generations but not to the point where you feel you can't live without those things. You really feel the struggle, trying to live without them.

It's like how do you manage an entire audience of inner critics or as some people put it 'inner demons', collectively heckling you, telling you what a pathetic job you're doing and telling you what a waste of space you are, among other things? How do you develop a kind of entourage of inner supporters, cheering you on, telling you to ignore the lies and condemnation? Among them perhaps there's the inner sage, director (that sets solid direction to follow, when self doubt threatens to take over), the clown with the lighthearted take on what can feel so depressing at times and so on. How to develop an inner cheer squad when no one's told you how to do it in a way that's completely relatable?

How to act when such a brutal audience has your full attention?

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

Elwood3184 — Thu, 17 Nov 2022 10:34:08 GMT

I feel you. I couldn't take it today and found this forum and am crying as I read this.

I've been trying everything I can for so long. I have no meaningful connections in my life and I have tried for 12 years to develop them. I've tried all the activities you have. I don't know why. I've tried therapies, I've been on meds. It's not getting any better. It kind of feels like the harder I try, the worse it gets.

I wish I could say something more supportive but all I can say is I know exactly what you mean. It resonates with me so much. It hurts so much.

Re: I have no reason to keep on trying

therising — Sun, 20 Nov 2022 20:40:00 GMT

Hi Hollywoo

I've heard it said before that, at times, hope is simply not enough. So, in a way, we dispense with what is not enough yet the challenge remains for us to replace it with something, otherwise we're left with nothing at all.

Wondering if you've ever looked into psycho-spiritual counseling. While from the perspective of psychology and biology/chemistry we can be guided to do everything that could possibly work to make a difference (from better understanding our self, through to volunteering, exercising, eating right, going for walks in nature etc etc etc), none of it may make a difference unless there's some sort of soulful connection to such things. If we've never been led to a soulful sense of life and a sense of connection to it, then it's completely unrelateable, that side of things. Could learning how to relate be something worth considering? Could learning how to deeply feel every experience for the first time on some deeper level, for example, be something that could change things a little?