topic Re: Mum in Depression

Mum

goldilocks — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 12:03:10 GMT

I am 24, and I really, really, really wish I had a mother figure in my life. This sounds rough, but I really don't care about my biological mother anymore, because she treats me so poorly now. Her niceness when I was growing up was all a facade. She's been diagnosed with PTSD and refuses to seek help for it. She often gambles on the pokies and drinks cartons of beer, usually starting on a Thursday night and well into the weekend. Her excuse? 'I was like this before I had you,' and 'I've worked for 8/9 hours today.' Mum started treating me differently when I came out to her as being attracted to an older, single man with a child of his own (who is considerably younger than me.) I recall exactly how I felt when telling her for the first time. I was incredibly anxious, sitting on the my bedroom floor at 19 years of age, with a bucket because I thought I was going to be sick I was that anxious. I expected the worst and that was exactly what I got - mum completely dismissing my feelings for this man. She still to this day dismisses them, five years down the track, and still to this day refuses to talk about him. Nobody in my family wants me to discuss him ever again. I want an emotional available mother, one that will sit with me and listen to me talk about my feelings and give me big hugs. I know it sounds cheesy but this is how I feel. I am a very loving person with a lot to give to people. I am not sure what else to write?

Re: Mum

Eagle Ray — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 16:21:36 GMT

Dear Goldilocks

My heart really goes out to you and how you are feeling right now. There is nothing we want more than to be loved, supported and cared for by our mothers. It’s incredibly hard when they have their own issues that keep them from being fully present with us.

I relate to some of your story. I’m in my my 40s now but when I was 18 I fell in love with an older guy too. I also struggled to build up the courage to tell my Mum about it and got a reaction that sounds similar. My Mum couldn’t handle the information and it sounds maybe your Mum couldn’t either. My Mum had complex PTSD but like your Mum didn’t get the help she needed for it.

I know so well that wish for a Mum who will listen when you need someone to talk to and give you a hug. What I have found over the years is that you will encounter other women who are like wise guides along the way who can help to fill in some of the missing care you haven’t received just by being the warm, motherly souls they are. And while it can be challenging, you can gradually learn to be a loving parent to yourself too.

I was speaking to my psychologist today and she recommended a book called Mother Hunger written for women who missed out on healthy mothering in various ways. I’m planning to read it myself but thought it may be of interest to you too.

It’s wonderful you see your own loving nature and that you have lots to give. Happy to chat more if you want to. Sending you a big hug xx

Re: Mum

Fiatlux — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 23:08:04 GMT

Hi Goldilocks,

You are my daughters age and I am possibly your mothers age.

You haven't made clear whether this older man is still in your life.

I can only explain how I would have felt had my 19 year daughter been attracted to a much older man, in that I would have been concerned for her safety, first and foremost. I would be very concerned that she may have been taken advantage of due to her innocence at that age.

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mother, especially the gambling and drinking which you understand is good for either of you. The PTSD and drinking is definitely affecting her parenting. I too have complex PTSD but that did not hinder my ability to be a good, loving mother to my children.

You say that you want an emotional available mother. Have you tried telling your mother that you still need her. As for the older man, what did you want to get out of that relationship?

Keep in touch and I am sure there are others here who will support you.

Re: Mum

quirkywords — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 23:28:34 GMT

Goldilocks I just wanted to give you a big hug and say you are not cheesy. We all crave the love and support from our mothers.

There are people here willing to listen and offer support. You Thanks you sound like a sensible and caring person. Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum.

Re: Mum

white knight — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 02:16:23 GMT

Hi, welcome

I see you already have had some great support here.

Briefly, I dont see my birth mother for the same reasons, destructive, selfish and non supportive but also as she likely has a mental health issue she is in denial about. I'm 66yo, my mother 90yo. A family friend now 79yo is now my mother figure and you are spot on, it fills the vacuum left by the spot the birth mother had.

Firstly, the comments given to you from your birth mother are not acceptable in fact they are aimed at throwing guilt at you. The comments and attitude towards you regarding your older man with a child relationship is deplorable. I'm not a professional medical person but such behaviour is along the lines of my mother, that its like you are owned by her, an extension of herself. Please click on this link and read as it could provide some answers to your problem

https://theestablishment.co/witch-queen-mom-fairy-tale-lessons-for-surviving-borderline-parents-869527f7cccf/index.html

So, in other areas of concern is more about seeking your passion/hobby and social contact. Take up a favourite sport and get to know your team mates, the more people you come across the more likely you will find a older female that has the desire to be loved and admired.

You have a lot of love to give, surround yourself with like minded individuals and drop off those that dont support you or are judgemental... no matter who they are.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

TonyWK

Re: Mum

Eagle Ray — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 01:46:50 GMT

Hi again Goldilocks,

I’ve just been reading about a book this morning that I’m going to look at myself but thought it may be of interest to you too. It’s called:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal From Distant, Rejecting or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C Gibson

Re: Mum

goldilocks — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 08:10:49 GMT

Hey Eagle Ray,

I am not sure what happened this afternoon but I was in a good mood whilst catching public transport to the city when I received a text from my mum saying that she is apparently divorced. She was desperate to call me but I had told her about three times that I was busy enjoying my day. She did not comprehend this and basically said that I should go and live with my father. Going off topic a bit, my dad is having issues with my uncle (his brother.) He (my uncle) has been a drug user for years and years and it has actually got to the point where the drugs he has taken have destroyed his brain cells. He abused their mother, my grandmother, a frail seventy year old woman, and my dad lost it at my uncle. My dad is just done with his side of the family (except for his mother.) My grandmother realistically does not have long until she kicks the bucket, although I'd like to think otherwise, as I care about her so much. We are no longer estranged.

Getting back to my mum, I have asked her to seek help on multiple occasions but she simply refuses to. So, I am the one who speaks with Kids Helpline weekly because I am always the one who has to seek help on my parents' behalves. It is incredibly draining, mentally and emotionally.

With your comment about me seeking other women in my life who are like wise guides, there is a few women like that in my life but I am too scared to get close to them in case something happens. Nothing strange or inappropriate, of course. I guess I fear rejection.

I would love to read, but I have undiagnosed ADHD, so concentrating on one thing at a time can be hard.

Sending you a big virtual hug xx

Re: Mum

goldilocks — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 08:20:00 GMT

Hey Fiatlux,

Sorry, I should have made myself a bit more clearer. No, this man is no longer in my life. He was just a crush/someone I had feelings for. Too much water under the bridge which has prevented us from going further together.

From a daughter's perspective, I am glad that your cPTSD never hindered your ability to being a loving and caring mother to your children. I wish I had a parent like you.

My mother has openly admitted that she doesn't feel 50. She told me she feels 25. I already feel like an illegitimate individual because she got pregnant with me three months into her relationship with my dad. So I feel like I wont achieve anything if I say to her that I want an emotionally available mother.

Re: Mum

goldilocks — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 08:21:15 GMT

Hey quirkywords,

Sending you a virtual hug!

Re: Mum

Echtis — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 09:30:59 GMT

Yeah, I wish I had a mother figure too. I feel pathetic wanting one at my age, but I can't deny my genuine need for support, praise, or affection. I visited my parents recently, and when I tried to explain some of the misery that was going on in my life she just walked out of the room.

Pretty much sums up my childhood, just she was the one causing the misery then.

I'd suggest trying to get the same feeling from a good friend. Maybe that's terrible advice, I don't know.

Re: Mum

quirkywords — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 10:07:38 GMT

Goldilocks thanks fir your feedback. I find it sad thst yiur m7 dies nit realise what a wonderful daughter she has in you.
i am in my 60s and I would like to have a daughter or granddaughter like you.

Re: Mum

quirkywords — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 10:12:17 GMT

Echtis sorry that your mother is not supportive. I think if we fund people who can be there fir us that is helpful.
i am in my 60s and still would like a mum. I know a woman in her 80s who is kind and I can talk to. A mother is a concept and it does not matter how old we are I think we need that comfort and nurturing .m

Re: Mum

Eagle Ray — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 12:07:17 GMT

Hey Goldilocks

I imagine that must have come as a shock/surprise about the divorce, unless you suspected it would happen. How would you feel about living with your Dad? It sounds like he has a lot to deal with with his brother and family right now so I guess you must be thinking about all those things.

It sounds like you are the responsible adult in your family. I can relate as I started taking care of my Mum when I was 5. It’s so hard on you carrying responsibility that shouldn’t be yours. I wonder if there’s some counselling support you could get? I know I put so much effort into caring for my parents, but looking back I know it negatively impacted my health and well-being over time. So I really recommend finding ways to prioritise yourself. You could ask yourself what your needs are in your life right now - especially emotionally as healthy connections with others are so important. Basically connections where your needs are being met too. Because of the dynamics in my family I ended up in quite a few co-dependent friendships where I was always the carer/support for the other person. It took me a long time, but I’ve finally let go of unequal, unhealthy relationships and I’ve got more balanced connections in my life now. So I think healthy boundaries really help.

I understand about getting too close and fear of rejection. I’ve had quite a lot of approach-avoidance conflict and I’m sure that comes from parental attachments that don’t feel secure. If your Mum hasn’t been approachable it makes sense you feel unsure about closeness. But wise other women can be anyone you know who you feel comfortable with, even if you’re not super close, such as someone you work with, a friendly lady at a local cafe you get to know etc. Just someone who is easy to be around and it’s like some of their good energy rubs off on you and can help you to feel nurtured. I once heard a saying that we all meet several mothers in a lifetime.

I understand about ADHD. I went to a counsellor at an ADHD support place in 2007 who suggested I get a formal diagnosis. I switch between hyper focus and scatteredness. But I think I’m at the milder end and didn’t want to be medicated, though I know people with major ADHD who are really helped by meds. I think ADHD often crosses over with early life adversity too.

Take care and big hug to you too xx

Re: Mum

Eagle Ray — Sat, 12 Nov 2022 12:14:23 GMT

Hi Echtis,

Please don’t feel pathetic about still wanting a mother figure. I’m 47 and still have that yearning for what I didn’t get from my own mother. I’m working on developing my own inner parent at the moment who can take care of my inner child self - even just learning to talk kindly to myself and not be hard on myself which is a lifetime habit learned from how my mother treated me and in turn by how her mother treated her. You are a worthy person deserving love and kindness. Sending you a motherly hug xx

Re: Mum

goldilocks — Sun, 13 Nov 2022 08:41:31 GMT

Hey Eagle Ray,

Mum and Dad have since moved on from their verbal altercation. Now that Mum has calmed down, she (as well and myself) believe that Dad said that he wanted a divorce due to ongoing stress with his drug addicted brother, who is 52, and is likely to pass away before my 70 year old grandmother (my dad and uncle's mother.)

It is great to hear that you are prioritising your mental health and recognising that you were once part of co-dependent friendships. I too am trying to establish healthier boundaries within my relationships with other people. You say that you had to start taking care of your mum from a young age. I can relate, as my mother suffered from crippling anxiety herself due to facing trauma and abuse daily from her own father (who I have no relationship with.) This is probably the reason as to why she had concerns for me liking an older man. Which is understandable. Mum was co-dependent on me from an early age. I can't recall most of my childhood because most of it was a blur due to anxiety and depression. Mum recognises that she drinks heavily and has finally admitted (as of today) that she wants help for it. She wants to go to AA meetings at our local church. To say that I am very proud of her is a huge understatement.

In terms counselling, I am currently keeping in touch with Kids Helpline. I can't recommend them highly enough. I am based in South Australia and we have a service here called SONDER, which is the next step from headspace (so once you turn 25.) Kids Helpline is a bit different from headspace; you get to speak with your counsellor (the same one) up until your 26th birthday.

Ah, I absolutely love that saying: 'we all meet several mothers in a lifetime!' 🙂

I too believe that I am at the milder end of the spectrum of ADHD or ADD. I am happy to be medicated.

Kind Regards xx

Re: Mum

Eagle Ray — Sun, 13 Nov 2022 12:18:18 GMT

Hi Goldilocks!

That’s awesome news about your Mum going to AA. It means she’ll have some peer support too to help her keep on track. The trauma stuff gets passed down doesn’t it, from your Mum’s father to her, but what’s great is you are so clearly breaking the pattern and handling things so well.

I’m really glad you are getting excellent help from Kids Helpline and that you have SONDER too for when you are 25. That’s really good to have that stability of the same counsellor with Kids Helpline too.

I’m glad things have calmed down with your Mum and Dad as well.

It’s great you are helped by meds. Makes me wonder if I should investigate further even though I’m on the mild end 🤔 I think I have the quieter form of attention deficit without the hyperactivity.

Anyway, so happy things are sounding better for you 🙂 xx

Re: Mum

goldilocks — Sat, 03 Dec 2022 06:36:09 GMT

Hi Everybody,

An update on Mum:

I'm probably going to repeat myself already (unintentionally - please forgive me 🙂), but she is now only gambling and drinking alcohol on Saturdays. She did this today, and after being very well behaved over the past week and a bit. She was also well behaved today as well, and is planning on speaking with her psychiatrist about her alcoholism and gambling addiction.

P.s. Is there a way where I can leave recommendations for this website/cousnellors? Nothing bad 🙂

Warm Regards,

Goldilocks