topic Re: Almost back to where I started in Depression

Almost back to where I started

HackedOff — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 07:01:48 GMT

Hi, it's me again.

For the past few weeks I have been trying to make sense of why I tried to kill myself and the lack of help I receive.

I have tried to make contact with various places and nothing. No one seems to understand that I need my reasons for my suicide attempt resolved so it can be closed and I can move on. People are telling me too forget the past and move on - why should I? Just to make their lives easier.

I feel that I am going back to that very depressed state again. Why can't I get the proper help I require - not a one size fits all strategy that is the only thing available, not being fobbed off or labelled a trouble maker. I hate my life. I hate walking around thinking the world hates me and I hate everyone else.

Gee Whiz ☹

Re: Almost back to where I started

MaddieT — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 10:08:00 GMT

Hiya, just need to let you know I've been there. I won't (and can't) tell you what is the right way to feel. It's yours. All I want to say is that there is no "one size fits all". We are unique. Our traumas and tragedies are our own. It has taken me 40 years to finally connect with a therapist who can see that. Our troubles do not make us troublemakers. For now - just keep on breathing and know someone heard you.

Re: Almost back to where I started

therising — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 11:05:08 GMT

Hi HackedOff

My heart goes out to you as you face so much resentment, disappointment and sadness. It's truly horrible when the levels of such emotions reach the point of depressing. It becomes truly unbearable.

People seem more inclined to say 'Let go and get on with it'. What we rarely ever hear people say is 'Grab on and move through it and don't let go until you have'. Personally, I'm a gal who's more inclined to grab on and move through. I won't let go of something until I've made complete sense of it. Mastering making complete sense of something takes a heck of a lot of hard work at times, that's for sure. Raising yourself to greater levels of consciousness and some sense of relief can definitely feel like a lonely experience at times.

Making other people's lives easier can be easy or it can be depressing. This is what I've found. The depressing part comes down to a couple of factors - 1) Not everyone wants to be fully conscious of something because it can be so incredibly uncomfortable and 2) pleasing others can mean having to give up something of yourself in order to please. We can give up the search for answers, the search for accountability (from others), the search for greater self understanding and so much more. If there is one thing we should never give up, never sacrifice, it is the search for greater self understanding. In the process of greater self understanding, we can come to finally meet with our intolerant sense of self that can sometimes dictate to the people pleaser in us 'Sit back, buckle up and keep your mouth shut. We're in for one hell of a ride'. Our intolerant sense of self, when channeled constructively, can be an incredible natural self esteem booster. You can typically pick when this part of you is coming to life in a situation, you can feel it through the rage. Learning to manage this part of us constructively is a whole other challenge to graduate through.

Re: Almost back to where I started

HackedOff — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 11:59:58 GMT

Thank you Maddie for reaching out. It means a lot

Re: Almost back to where I started

HackedOff — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 12:03:13 GMT

Thank you therising, Your message is very encouraging. I just feel so damn angry that person or persons that lead me to such an action can't or won't even acknowledge. I can't help feeling that way. I am trapped in my own vicious circle at times.

Re: Almost back to where I started

geoff — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 15:23:03 GMT

Hello HackedOff, when you have been through exactly what you have said, it breaks your heart, because it takes us back to those horrible days, but we now have to take stock and place you in this position and realise it's such a lot for you to cope with.

It's impossible to 'just get over it' because that's not addressing the problem is it, so you need a person, any one who is willing to listen to what you want to say, and this may take multiple talks to gain the confidence you want.

Someone who says 'get over it' isn't interested in hearing what you want to say and this could be for several reasons, but a counsellor shouldn't necessarily be there just for the money, their job is to listen to you and then offer the best advice possible, and that's why posting here to people who have been in your position is a great option.

We hope you can still talk with us because we understand the position you're in, and really want to help you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Almost back to where I started

HackedOff — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 20:39:17 GMT

Thank you for your kind words Geoff, You basically said that I am feeling and thinking. Psychologists cost money and they are in high demand. Sometimes, it's the luck of the draw, some are great, others see it as a job and nothing else. I not glad, because no one should be suffering, but hearing other people's situations does assist in the thought that I'm not the only one.

Re: Almost back to where I started

therising — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 23:36:32 GMT

Hi HackedOff

I've found some people can't see an issue with what we have an issue with. This can be based on their belief system/s being so different from ours. Some people won't see or refuse to see an issue. This can be based on them focusing on what's self serving: 'It serves me, not to face it'. Either way it can be frustrating and angering to say the least.

I suppose what it comes down to is 'Is the issue worth my time and effort? Is it worth all the effort it will take for me to resolve it and grow through it?'. Sometimes the answer will be 'Absolutely'.

It sounds like there are 3 different paths to choose from, 1) do nothing (which doesn't sound like an option for you, based on how you feel), 2) do something in the way of waking them up to responsibility, so they take responsibility and run with it or 3) do something in the way of raising yourself through it, without them stepping up to help in the process. With that last one, if they're not going to step up and help with resolution, this may mean you'll need to find help and support from someone else, especially if this is something you feel you can't do on your own. I've found if a challenge is both new and massive, typically I'll need support of some kind based on me having never faced such a thing before. Old challenges can be much easier to face because we have hindsight to help us through.

I wish only the best for you when it comes to the way forward❤️

Re: Almost back to where I started

ecomama — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 23:57:56 GMT

Dear HackedOff, I was going to abbreviate that but it did NOT look nice! lol.

You are not alone in your experiences.
On the forums you are surrounded by people who've lived and still live through the things you describe.

I want to be a straight shooter with you but speak from the heart as well.
No one will accept responsibility for the harm they've done to you. If we can get to a "closure of sorts" in expecting these people to do this, we can work better to heal ourselves.
I know they won't because they would have apologised sincerely already.

The one practice that really pushed me OUT of depression was studying the kids of people who'd harmed me; their personality disorders, their psychological issues. Once I could label them and understand their multiplicity of effed up M.O.s, I could release any attachment from them now and put that overlay on my past experiences.

Sure NONE of us have a journey of healing that's identical.
It sounds like you're in trauma from the past events (at the hands of others) and in trauma now (from the events of your own hands and mind).

The very BEST thing you can do in hopes of healing is self-care.
Sure, phone Helplines! Please do.
Get it all out on the forums, it's the place to yell it all out.

Seek therapists.
Do all this with self-care.

You still have life, breath, choices, options and most importantly, the responsibility to make this life you have YOURS.

We're here for you
Love EM

Re: Almost back to where I started

HackedOff — Sat, 24 Sep 2022 02:42:36 GMT

Thank you for your kind words EM

Re: Almost back to where I started

HackedOff — Sat, 24 Sep 2022 02:43:20 GMT

Thank you

Re: Almost back to where I started

ecomama — Sat, 24 Sep 2022 04:45:58 GMT

Hey HackedOff,

How are you doing today?

Please keep posting on your thread and feel free to look around at other threads. You may see so many others posting for support.
You may benefit from looking at the Wellbeing section and having a go at things there too.

Love EM

Re: Almost back to where I started

therising — Fri, 30 Sep 2022 21:40:35 GMT

Hi HackedOff

Just checking on you to see how you're going. Can be so challenging, managing so much anger on top of managing a number of deeply depressing factors. This is something we should never have to face alone.

The vicious circle or cycle you mention is something I can relate to. It's like you can circle or cycle through the same poop over and over and feel like you're going nowhere. Took me decades to work out what this cycling is about. Wondering if you can relate, while imagining the cycle to be like a clock face:

At 12, you're facing ways in which to manage life. Life is manageable and even good to a degree. Heck, it might even be great for a period
At quarter past, life, circumstances or people start to feel more challenging, so you put in more effort
At half past, things are starting to become unbearable. You're meeting with more challenges, more questioning, more resistance and more disturbing uncomfortable emotions
At quarter to, life, circumstances or people are now depressing or enraging or both
At 5 to, you hit on some revelation that leads you to see what needs to change
Return to 12, with your revelation, to start all over again

it's that 5 minutes to 12 point that defines the cycle. It's the cycle of becoming more conscious. You're not just going 'round in circles, you're rising or raising yourself through the cycles. You rise or graduate to higher states of awareness/consciousness until you're fully conscious of something. The cycle in regard to that issue stops repeating because the lesson has been fully learned. A major challenge comes when it crops up again later in life. In this case, the lesson was either forgotten or it wasn't fully learned in the first place (there's still more to learn and more of yourself to develop).

The cycles can be enraging. They can even be deeply depressing at times, as we wake up to how neglectful some people can be towards us. Can be stressful, when we can't work out what the lesson is and it can feel incredibly lonely when no one's holding our hand while we walk the path of greater self understanding ❤️

Re: Almost back to where I started

HackedOff — Thu, 06 Oct 2022 01:35:01 GMT

Comes and goes. I just get so damn frustrated and angry that I am not receiving the help I feel I need. People just talk and say the right things, no action, no tangible help. I spoke to a psychologist the other day and it felt he was talking down to me and even questioning whether I had major disappointment rather than depression. I try and find new friends, companions etc, no one wants to know me so I lash out and tell them were to go. People are just telling me things that have little or no relevance. I don't need theory, I need someone in my life, I need the reason I tried to kill myself somehow rectified. I am sick of being told to forget it and move on - why should I? Sometimes I feel like saying "if you can't practically help me, please go away"

Re: Almost back to where I started

therising — Thu, 06 Oct 2022 20:33:42 GMT

Hi HackedOff

Some folk are definitely questionable, even professionals. It would be tempting to say to the psychologist 'You do understand that disappointment can be depressing. How depressing would you like my disappointment to be before you feel I need to come back?'.

Personally, I find the process of disappointment to be deeply depressing at times. Can be a long or a short process, depending on the nature of what we face. I found that once I came to better define 'disappointment', I could work with it more consciously. I find a lot of it comes down to what the 'appointment' is all about in the first place:

Let's say I have a group of 4 friends who I appoint as 'The people who raise my spirits and help me through deeply challenging times in a lot of compassionate and non judgemental ways'. I've appointed them this role. Then there comes a time in my life where I face an enormous challenge. One friend may shut me down with 'You're always going on about this issue. You need to just get on with life and forget about it'. Another may announce she's just booked a trip away, while knowing I'm deeply depressed and in desperate need of her help. Another may ridicule me, laughing about how ridiculous I'm being in the way I feel life and my challenges. And the last may say 'You should be able to manage such a challenge on your own, like most people do'. Remembering the original appointment, I now have to dis-appoint them from this role. These were meant to be my soul people, not my soul destroyers. My challenge becomes about not just dis-appointing them but finding someone who can actually fill this role constructively.

If a psychologist was to simply say 'That's life, poop happens. It happens to everyone', isn't this just another disappointment? I appointed them the role of 'guide' and their not guiding. Highly questionable, don't you think, especially when they're being paid to fill that role?

Sounds like you're sensitive enough to be able to clearly sense or feel the behaviour of others. Can definitely become more depressing and even infuriating when you can sense yourself not being raised out of where you are.