topic Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia in Depression

Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Sun, 26 Jun 2022 03:38:34 GMT

I have no interest in anything, I find no joy in life anymore. I am tired and am not sure this existence is what I want. I don't know who I am, who am I and who are the drugs trying to make me become. I despise more than I care, I feel nothing but anger and hate, at everyone and especially myself. I smile I'm public so I am left alone, no one knows the depth of my dark well I live in. Guess typing this helps.

Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Leisa68 — Sun, 26 Jun 2022 06:42:02 GMT

Hi Ausdog,

Welcome to the forums, I'm very sorry you are going through these feelings. They are so tiring, aren't they? I wonder as you have your medication are you in contact with your GP regarding this or a psych? If not do you think you could turn to them for help? You need to make someone aware of how you are feeling, these feelings do not go away without any professional help. Burying them will make them appear at a later stage and leave you exhausted. There are also helplines such as Beyond Blue and Lifeline which are also great to turn to when you are very low.

I hope this provides some help for you, I have been in a similar place and I got out, but it is all about maintaining the condition once you have gotten to a better place. I wish you all the very best.

Leisa68

Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Sun, 26 Jun 2022 07:54:18 GMT

Thank you Leisa68 I appreciate it

Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Mon, 27 Jun 2022 03:21:50 GMT

I am sick of trying to be who people say I should be. I take my medication, I smile in public yet still feel terrible. I hate everything and everyone, especially myself.

Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Sophie_M — Mon, 27 Jun 2022 03:48:47 GMT

Hey Ausdog,

It sounds like a really difficult time. Thank you for updating us here on your thread.

We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through this mental state and working out options for more support.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), which can sit with you in these feelings and help you safety plan. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

It’s so good that you’ve been able to share what's going on here. Thank you for your bravery and openness, Ausdog.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Wed, 06 Jul 2022 05:31:48 GMT

Thanks Sophie_M. Much appreciated

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

therising — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 20:45:55 GMT

Hi Ausdog

To say life is tough when we have no idea who we are or are supposed to be can be the understatement of the century at times. While some people couldn't give a damn when it comes to better understanding who they are, for others it's like a form of torture, not knowing.

The amount of times I've thought 'If I truly knew who I was, I'd know if I was doing things right/heading in the right direction', I've lost track of. Being a gal who's a 'feeler', someone who's sensitive to how I feel my life, I've found I've been able to feel who I'm not. While I left long term depression behind me some years ago, I've figured out over time that when I begin to become depressed that's me feeling who I'm not. Took me a heck of a long time to work that out. A couple of examples: I'm not someone who can remain in my 20 year marriage to my husband, as it has become incredibly depressing. This is why I'm in the process of separation. I'm not someone who can tolerate or manage a depressing or angering lack of guidance or help, which is why I no longer turn to people who can't or won't raise me out of how I'm feeling or perceiving life. I look to visionaries and feelers who can relate to what I need to see and feel. Life can be tough figuring out who you are through a process of elimination.

I think sometimes working out who we are at a snails pace can become somewhat depressing. It can feel hopeless at times. This is one of the things that's led me to be a major researcher, which has in turn brought the wonderer in me to life. How I tick mentally, physically and in a soulful sense are all things that fascinate me. I kind of see it as 'fast tracking' - being a detective, tracking down what I want to know. Praise the era of the internet. One of the most surprising discoveries I've come across is something known as 'Hearing Voices Network', designed for people who face deeply challenging internal dialogue (through destructive and depressing belief systems given to them), those who face the challenges of schizophrenia and even those who hear on a soulful level (clairaudience). All are welcome.

The relief that comes with sharing with others what no one else can understand or relate to can be liberating and inspiring.

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 11:14:20 GMT

Thank you, I appreciate all the guidance and advice

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 11:43:23 GMT

My son doesn't want to be with me. I smile and tell him it's ok I understand, while screaming mentally. I don't want help, I am beyond caring, my reason for being normal is gone. So everyone can see the true me, the voices have been right all along. I feel like giving up completely, the demons win.

Dear Ausdog Thank you for showing such courage in postin...

Sophie_M — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 11:46:57 GMT

Dear Ausdog

Thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing your experience.
Ausdog, we are concerned about you, so we’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.

Please note, it’s worth remembering that immediate support is not available via the forums. Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The number of replies received will always vary from day to day.

If you need more immediate contact, please use our support service either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
We are here to help and support you through this journey.

Regards

Sophie M

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 12:25:24 GMT

Everyone says they understand. No they don't. When I shut my eyes or relax my thoughts the demons come out to play. When I sleep my dreams are full of pain and suffering. I have no one to be normal for now, nothing to stop me listening to the thoughts and dreams. All I can say is that sometimes it's not worth being good, and being yourself is more important.

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 14:21:53 GMT

I have realised it's easier to do as the voices say. I am the whore to my personal demons. No more suppression

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

therising — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 23:35:48 GMT

Hi Ausdog

It sounds like you're going through absolute hell right now. To be doing that on your own is even more torturous. Has your son always been the voice of reason to some degree, sometimes able to help you manage the other voices? Have you ever managed in the past to ground your self in some way, out of hearing the voices that challenge you so intensely? Maybe you've managed some of them in certain ways. Are they worse under certain circumstances or in certain environments? You mention when you relax this tends to make them worse. Are there any that are good or helpful, even if it's just one? Can you hear one, for example, but it's just too quiet to hear clearly, over the rest? Is there one you could trust in the past, to support you, but maybe it's disappeared or you've forgotten about it over time?

It sounds like maybe the true you is the you who has managed so intensely over time, to the point of pure exhaustion. I can't imagine how incredibly exhausting this must be, managing so much of what you hear, while also trying to manage what you see when you go to sleep. It sounds so incredibly exhausting. I imagine the exhaustion doesn't help matters, perhaps even making things worse.

Are you interested in connecting with people who've been able to manage the voices strategically, in a way where they manage to live with them while not letting them take over or dictate? Are you open to suggestions or guidance from people who can fully relate to what you're facing, who can maybe help make some constructive difference to you?

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 12:06:30 GMT

I have been doing my best to be "normal" to ignore the voices to be what is expected. There are days I can't get out of bed, days I can't face people, days it hurts to be. The only reason I haven't ended it all is as I don't want my son to think I don't love him and want to be there for him. He doesn't want me at this stage but teenage years are hard for kids. I despise all I am, I have seeked help and been told I don't have enough issues ( local hospital) I lean on friends and drag them into my personal Hell. It scares them so I try not to any more. I type here to try to clear my head, my doctor can't be accessed for days. I tell people I am living the dream....the dream involves every nightmare people know

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 12:44:30 GMT

Thank you for caring. My voices ate the "evil" all I hear is pain and blood. I try to be normal so my son can be proud....I worry about the old saying......the sins of the father visited apon the son. I don't want him experiencing my dark side as either first hand or from what I have done to myself or others. It's bad enough he sees the things I do to myself to hurt/punish myself

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

quirkywords — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 13:30:08 GMT

Ausdog

thanks for posting here and sharing your story so honestly.

By writing here your words will others you are reading your posts.It can be so hard when days are so hard to get out of bed.
It is hard when you feel that people are not listening to your pain.

We are listening to you here. Sophie has suggest some helpful resources to contact.
You are trying so hard to help yourself. Do you think you may ring up a helpline..

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 13:52:18 GMT

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. I can't be helped my voices let me know I am alone except for them. I have friends etc but the people in my head have been there for so long I know they will be either me till the end

Hi Ausdog, We're sorry to hear how much you're strugglin...

Sophie_M — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 13:58:37 GMT

Hi Ausdog,

We're sorry to hear how much you're struggling ATM. It sounds like you're experiencing some very dark and overwhelming thoughts and feelings and we want to make sure you're getting the help and support you need.

We’re reaching out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors yourself to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Mental health is so very important. To maintain our mental health requires ongoing work and care (just as with our physical health). We need to look after ourselves continually - even if we don't feel that we are being understood or treated properly. Sometimes we need to advocate for ourselves and continue to show up, continue to reach out and find the right help/treatment/support and insist on making this a priority - and from what you're saying to us here today - that's incredibly important for both you and your son.

Healing and recovery also takes time, but you're worth the effort, Ausdog.

We hope you will get some really supportive and encouraging responses here and encourage you to keep engaged, and keep us updated with how you are going.

We hope to hear from you soon,

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Mon, 05 Sep 2022 09:52:07 GMT

I have come to realise I hate everything, my son is my light of love. I now know I need pain to know I am alive, my being is worthless, my sons smile is a beam of light in my darkness

Re: Depression, anxiety, bipolar and schizophrenia

Ausdog — Mon, 05 Sep 2022 04:00:51 GMT

Nothing changes, life isn't worth the pain, trust/love no one, they only hurt you, I hate and am so angry and sad. No one can be trusted.