topic When life doesn’t really get better... in Depression

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 10:55:14 GMT

Hi folks,

Well, I’ve been MIA a while now. After my world fell completely apart, and every therapy offered to me through the system failed, I gave up seeking answers and threw myself into trying to build a new life.

I’ve bought myself a house, learned skills I never thought I could learn, reached out socially, created a fb group for a personal interest that’s grown to hundreds of members and benefits charities and have continued to work all the while.

But my chronic illness has remained unchanged, I am still in constant pain and exhausted, medically unfit to drive, stuck in a low paid job because I’m not physically capable of more challenging work, and I’m not one tiny bit closer to the dreams I lost. My house does not feel like a home even after 3 years and lots of work trying to make it my own, because I live alone with my pets.

I feel like the life I have now is wrong for me, it’s not a bad life, I don’t mean to complain that I don’t have “enough”, I’m not ungrateful. But it feels like it doesn’t fit me and it chafes and makes me hurt deeply all of the time. Yes there are moments of pleasure in little things, but that’s just a band aid and offers no healing. I hide the depression because I’m either not wanting to burden the people I love any more than they have suffered already, or I’ve been told I should be over it by now (by people who have everything I’ve ever wished for).

My question is, what do I do now? I’ve run out of things I can think of to try. My younger self’s dreams were to have a career and travel the world with the love of my life. I can’t think of any new dreams that even come close to those shattered ones. The career is impossible, travel financially out of reach even without COVID and well, love, love isn’t for me. I also lost the home that I had put my heart and soul into when my health failed before my marriage failed too.

Would welcome advice please and thank you. There must be a way to learn to live with this quiet desperation, even if I cannot escape it.

Thank you

When life doesn’t really get better...

Sophie_M — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 11:20:53 GMT

Hi Imagine,

We are so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so low, and have been hiding these feelings from those you love. It must be really tough and to be keeping these feelings bottled up inside, but we are so glad that you have reached out this evening to our wonderful community. We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone.

Can we ask, do you currently have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope with these feelings on your own, and think it might really help to talk it out. Please know that you are always welcome to get in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can talk through these feelings and experiences with you and can offer support, advice and referrals if this is something that you may find beneficial.

In addition to this, our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are there for you, day or night, if ever things become too much to cope with.

Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel ready.

When life doesn’t really get better...

tranzcrybe — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 14:33:58 GMT

Hi Imagine (a Beatles fan?)

I'm glad you are with us after all you have been through - you must have great inner strength and I thank you for taking the time to express yourself with such detailed reflection.

Pain is always the pesky reminder that our youthful world is not fit for our present reality - feeling like I have been hit by a MAC truck every morning is an unwelcome reminder of the passage of time!

But I like the way you have picked yourself up, dealt with things you felt didn't work, and created a new (albeit imperfect, in your opinion) life. Bravo!

Regarding how your life doesn't seem to be right for you, are you perhaps trying to recreate your past or the things you thought important? That was the 'former you' and, as much as I would like to believe I'd look cool in a pair of 'skinny jeans', the sad reality is... anyway, you just can't go back there. At best, you will likely create a pastiche.

If you are a Beatles fan, you may recall the line:

"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be".

Where you take it forward from here is testament to all the wisdom you have acquired from several unpleasant circumstances. Use this, that you have certainly earned, to find your as yet undiscovered path.

Regards,

When life doesn’t really get better...

White_Rose — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 19:35:01 GMT

Hello Imagine

Nice to meet you. Thank you for returning and telling us your story. It sounds as though you have well and truly been through the mill. In spite of your setbacks you have worked hard to regain your life and I congratulate you on this achievement. It's not exactly what you wanted but a much better place than you were in three years ago.

Please excuse me for not knowing your history. I wonder if you can tell us what chronic illness you have and how it affects your life. This is not merely curiosity but an interest in your well being and to give ideas about how to help. Maybe you can find a job that is not physically demanding and would pay a higher wage.

I see you have been instrumental in raising large amounts of money for charity. That's quite a sophisticated role to manage and makes me wonder if you could use this skill to get a different job. Project management of any sort is a skill that employers appreciate. Have you considered this field?

I have lived alone for 20 years since I separated from my spouse. At times it has been very lonely, especially these days with COVID restrictions. I need to be careful about isolation as I have a medical condition that will make me vulnerable if I become infected with the corona virus. I can appreciate how it must feel for you. You have done so much to improve your life. I am impressed by the work you have done.

I do agree with Tranzcrybe that you may be trying to recreate your former life and dreams in a new environment that calls for a different set of dreams to take you into a new life. I find looking back is OK to see how far I have come but not useful to try and recreate. If you choose to live in a new pond who knows how far the ripples will go.

In the meantime please continue to post here if it is helpful.

Mary

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 12:05:09 GMT

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I could go back to my GP to request further counselling but I don’t think it would help as I was told by the last psych I saw last time that they couldn’t help me. I know I am stuck, I know I need to adjust to my current life but I don’t know how,

I’m grateful for the opportunity to chat with others who might be walking a similar path though I wish none of us had to do so.

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 12:44:43 GMT

Hi tranzcrybe

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. I’m a fan of most music, the possibility of any future was something that existed only in my imagination when I first posted so I chose Imagine as I wasn’t brave enough then to choose anything like hope.

You are absolutely right. I do want to hold on to or recreate those old dreams and old life exactly like we hold on to clothes that no longer fit or suit us. I grieve their loss deeply. I feel I could surrender them a little more easily if I could simply go shopping and choose some shiny, new ones. But life sadly doesn’t seem to work like that. I’ve tried so hard and found nothing in the hopes and dreams department that seems to be obtainable for me. I’ve tried looking at hobbies and interests I’ve held since childhood. I’ve done a lot to actively align my life with my values. I’ve tried to lower my expectations and to look further afield but I’m still at a loss after 7 years all up.

I’m trying to hold space for new ideas and things to arrive, and actively work towards them where I have the ability to make changes, keeping the faith that I’ll ever find peace and happiness again is by far the hardest part.

But your reference to that Beatles lyric and the undiscovered path are words I’ve thought about all day. I hope I can find the next step soon.

Thanks for your kindness, encouragement and insight. Take care.

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 13:48:18 GMT

Hello White Rose,

Thank you so much for giving your time and insight. It means a lot.

I am definitely in a better place than I was. I remember wondering if I could manage a house and garden on my own, challenges like that, I’ve coped with. In some ways, they are the easier ones because I know I can usually beat them if I am stubborn enough. It’s the challenge of finding a life that feels like it fits that’s got me, I can’t “stubborn” my way through that.

I have multiple autoimmune diseases and a form of epilepsy so I cannot drive due to seizures. I’m in pain all the time and fatigue is a big issue so I work only 3 days a week which is still taxing. I take a lot of meds including immunosuppressives so like you, I’ve needed to be cautious through COVID.

I’d love a better job (and I use those project management skills,) but I think the job I have is probably the best I can realistically hope for. I’ve been with the company for over 20 years, they value my knowledge and experience and so are tolerant of my health limitations and seizures. There’s just no possibility of advancement from my fairly junior position. I was promoted and served 7 years in a role I enjoyed but needed to reduce my hours and go to a less exhausting workload. I’m almost 50 too.

I’m afraid the charity work is far more humble than that. I don’t raise any money. I just love craft so I’ve created a network to help share patterns and skills to make things like beanies for preemies and clothing for homeless people.

I do admire your strength, you said you have lived alone for 20 years. That is a long time. I hope that COVID isolation isn’t taking too great a toll on you. I have noticed that little daily interactions take on more importance when you live alone.

You and tranzcrybe are correct. There is a sense of wanting to recreate the life and dreams I had. They made me, if not happy, happy enough that the daily health battles felt worth the fight. Perhaps that’s what I’m really searching for.... more so than even my lost old life... something new to make a life with disability worth all the challenges. I always saw my glass as half full before, now I feel like I’m constantly trying to fill a cracked glass.

I can see I have come a long way, I just wish I knew how much further that new pond is. I’m so tired of pushing onwards in the dark looking for it.

Many thanks for your thoughts and advice, and for helping me. Take care

When life doesn’t really get better...

tranzcrybe — Sat, 29 Aug 2020 12:42:27 GMT

Hi Imagine,

Thank you for your gracious comments (and White Rose for her support).

Somehow, Imagine, I feel you are much much more than your ailments, but you may be driving yourself harder because of them. What you see in yourself as inability or shortcoming, I truly believe others do not. Yes, you have had to make several adjustments to your preferences in life, and pain is a burden only you can evaluate (and do seek more relief, please).

Is it anyone's prerogative to find peace or happiness or could it be beyond one's striving or manipulation? - Indeed, do such qualities come from outside (external influences or perceived attributes of acquisition/achievement) or from within?

Your path is neither behind you, nor in front - it is, and always has been, right under your feet.

I have Faith in you, Imagine.

Regards,

When life doesn’t really get better...

Pete66 — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 01:09:09 GMT

Hi, yes it is hard when you body is not working right

professional assistance does not seem to have answers for people like us

I wish I had answers for you, I'd like to hear them too

Take care, Pete

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 12:33:51 GMT

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful response.

Yes, I do tend to drive myself hard, and there is truth in your comment that I push harder because of my conditions. Both to compensate for shortcomings and also out of a need to feel like my life is as normal as possible. Perhaps others in my life would agree with you. It’s certainly something to consider. (And thank you for suggesting I seek more relief, I discussed this with my specialist again just this week, unfortunately there’s nothing more we can try right now but I do have his full support and understanding).

You raise a very interesting point about peace and happiness. I suddenly realised as I read your comment that the people I know who are blessed with both did not actively plan, seek, strive or work for them. I don’t know if it’s just part of life’s lottery or whether there’s any hope for me to stumble upon them yet. Perhaps as you say, they may come from within, and that is another journey altogether.

I wish I could see where that path might go. But that is not for any of us to know.

Thank you for your faith in me and for walking alongside me for this step.

Take care

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 13:11:24 GMT

Hi Pete,

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post.

I’m sorry that you too are dealing with chronic health issues, a body that will likely never get better is an ongoing cycle of grief in many ways.

We have our good or better days, and appreciate them all the more, but there’s never a point where you can just grieve and move on because every day involves ongoing losses of opportunities, freedom, abilities and independence that keep on hurting afresh.

I don’t think any professional assistance can help with that. I think you have to either have a reason to endure it that’s much stronger than the pain, or to find genuine happiness in whatever things you can do within your limitations. I struggle with both though I try very hard.

Take care

When life doesn’t really get better...

tranzcrybe — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 14:25:22 GMT

Hi Imagine,

Sorry to read your medications are at their limit. Do you have any non medicated treatments like hydrotherapy, massage therapy, or even acupuncture? Although not a cure, you may at least find some alleviation for the duration of the sessions.

Imagine, I think we all possess happiness within us (no lottery tickets required!), but often it can be buried deep beneath the many contrivances of what we are led to believe life should comprise (career, possessions, even lifestyle itself).

The difficult thing for me is to maintain sight of two things:

the world as I see it, and
the world as it is.

What is even harder, is trying to reconcile how the one can be so far removed from the other!

Happy to take the journey with you, Imagine.

Regards,

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Mon, 31 Aug 2020 12:57:06 GMT

Hi Transcrybe,

Thank you so much for your support. I’ve thought a lot about the things you’ve said, your perspective is very helpful.

Fortunately I am not on high doses of pain meds, I’m sure I could be prescribed higher doses if I asked, but I know that isn’t the magical answer to my chronic pain. I need pain meds to give my mind and body a rest, but most of the time, I do my best using non medicated techniques like those you have kindly suggested. I’ve been told I cope remarkably well with the pain but the prospect of years of more pain gets to me. It’s been almost 30 years so far. I still hold some hope.

I like the thought that happiness may not only be possible for me, but may already be there, buried beneath the weighty rubble of things we believe, that perhaps are not all they seem to be. Perhaps it is time to see if some of these contrivances can be cleared out of the way.

Yes, the world as we see it can be completely different to the world as it is. And we are always so quick to believe what we see with our own eyes without question. It is hard to reconcile those differences!

Thank you for your wise and wonderful insights. They help more than you know.

Take care.

When life doesn’t really get better...

White_Rose — Mon, 31 Aug 2020 20:10:31 GMT

Hello Imagine

Sorry I have not been able to post for the past few days. Unfortunately I have been unwell and won a free ride to hospital and an overnight stay. I can assure you hospital beds, especially those in the ER, are not as comfortable as my own bed. All good now.

Great insight to recognise you already have what you need to be happy and realizing it's probably buried buried under the rubble. Love Transcrybe's comment "to maintain sight of two things: world as I see it, and the world as it is." I think that is so true of most, if not all, of us.

Sorry to learn you cannot take additional pain relief. That must be so hard to manage and go about your daily life. I have found meditation works for me. It gives me an inner peace and far more acceptance of the world than I ever thought possible. Without trying to give a medical opinion I believe being at peace with ourselves can have a positive impact on how we conduct our lives. I don't claim it will stop your pain but I wonder if at least part of it stems from being anxious. Stress reactions must impact severely on your quality of life.

You can of course learn relaxation techniques which may be helpful. Meditation is more than this. I found it gives me inner acceptance of who and what I am. I'm a pretty ordinary person who is still learning about acceptance. Mindfulness is another way of focusing on what is happening in your life. I remember sitting on my patio, when it's warm enough, and listening to sounds around me. Traffic noise, bird song, trains, voices from other houses and gardens. As I listened and focused my attention on what was happening I found the world and the discordant noise slipped away and I was left with a sense of being alive in the middle of a chorus of birdsong. It was like being in a bubble in my garden.

I'm not trying to downplay your pain. I wondering if meditation and/or mindfulness will give you a deeper relaxation and help you manage more easily.

Mary

When life doesn’t really get better...

tranzcrybe — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 08:14:00 GMT

Hi Imagine,

Yes, keeping a handle on meds is important - ideally leaving enough to keep you aware but not debilitated (but don't be too stubborn - get what you need).

I support White Rose's advice on meditation or anything to help you to look inward (and perhaps shine a light on all that rubble you'll want to dig through).

-- speaking of lotteries, I don't think much of your 'prize', White Rose; and they make the beds that way on purpose to stop people extending their booking! Glad to hear you're all good again.

Imagine, thank you for your kind words. I'm pleased you are finding some comfort or just another perspective to help you determine your own path.

My best wishes are with you during your quest.

Regards,

When life doesn’t really get better...

White_Rose — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 08:21:07 GMT

Hello Tranzcrybe

Thanks for your good wishes. I always wondered why the ER beds were uncomfortable. Now I know.

Mary

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 11:55:41 GMT

Hi Mary,

I’m so sorry to hear you “won” such a “prize”. I hope you are feeling much better now. Ambulance rides are definitely overrated (fire engines are much more fun) and ER is never a comfortable place no matter how wonderful the staff are.

I’m trying to step back and look at the rubble from a distance. To see the bigger picture as I suspect I’ve just been kicking and punching and yelling at that huge boulder right in front of me for a very long time and it ain’t budging. I am tired. I need to find another way through the rubble.

Stress and anxiety are definitely factors in both the pain levels and how well I can cope. Also the resultant insomnia has been proven to be a seizure trigger for me so any way I can learn to relax would be helpful. I’ve been trying to learn meditation for several years (classes, tapes, books and a Buddhist class) but I tend towards a “monkey mind”. I will sit for 10 mins quietly redirecting my attention to my breath, then realise my jaw is clenched and shoulders are tense. I am persevering and am finding some methods that are easier for me than others, but I seem to be making slow progress. My garden is also an escape for me so maybe I need to sit out there when I try to meditate.

Thanks for your understanding of pain, you didn’t downplay it at all, but your gentle approach was lovely in a world where invisible pain is so often doubted. I will keep up my efforts to meditate.

I appreciate your advice and support very much. Please take care of yourself. Best get well wishes.

When life doesn’t really get better...

Imagine — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 12:10:32 GMT

Hi Transcrybe

My specialist says the same so my stubborn self is in good hands there. I do take pain meds before the pain breaks me on bad days most times now.

I will continue my efforts with meditation.

Perhaps the food is also designed to discourage extended stays? I can’t stay I’ve ever had much of an appetite the times I’ve been hospitalised, but I’ve been glad to get home to hot toast as well as my own comfortable bed!

Thanks again for all of your help. I wish you all the best too

When life doesn’t really get better...

tranzcrybe — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 13:10:23 GMT

Hi Imagine,

Sensible approach - meditation may help you to discover the 'boulder' need not be moved, but merely released.

Many years ago, I was 'fortunate' enough to have 10 weeks of 'concierge' service (and full service at that, as I was unable to walk) so I am an expert on hospital menus - no such thing as fresh cooked toast!

I say 'fortunate' not to mimic White Rose, but in genuine gratitude for being alive. The biggest thing I learnt was to accept others' limitations (as I was completely dependent on those around me) and I treasure the sacrifices made for me to this day. Many people came and went and I keep all their stories and the experience in the 'do not erase' vault. Whenever I find myself tending to a 'woe is me' over running out of Weeties (for instance!), I summon that spirit and am instantly restored (if only I could turn that into a pill... or a bowl of Weeties... mmm).

In fairness, I suffered immensely; but that wasn't my concern - just part of the the recovery process which would not go any quicker by me complaining or feeling deprived. Wherever you find yourself (and in whatever condition that may be), there is always something new to discover about others and, most importantly, about yourself.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, but I do feel privileged to have been given the opportunity to experience what so many never will (and come out the other side).

Recognising the difference between real and artificial, makes it very easy to find inner peace and happiness.

Sorry, it wasn't my intention to prattle on, but if you can find some meaning, then it will have been worthwhile.

Take care, Imagine.

Regards,

When life doesn’t really get better...

tranzcrybe — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 15:01:48 GMT

Oops, I used fabricated in the context of things that are made or built, not invented - sorry for any ambiguity...