topic Fed up in Depression

Fed up

dubrovnik — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 10:45:08 GMT

Hello

I am a middle aged woman who is youthful both in looks and attitude.

I have siblings who often dismiss me, put me down, are nice when they feel like it.

I have often walked out of family get togethers & it’s made me look neurotic in front of other family members & mutual friends, certain friends that I had always take their side.

This has impacted my relationships with other people, I have lost trust in people, I have severe trust issues stemming back to being hurt in relationships & former friends.

when I am away from & with other people, I am confident, happy & comfortable within myself but when I am around 2 of my siblings they make me feel like I am boring. I am a reserved person but once I get to know people I am quite open.

I have tried talking to them, things go well for awhile but then their attitude towards me starts all over again. I have always been a good sister towards them, I don’t understand it at all. I get upset and emotional when they start with their put downs. I have a different personality to them which they seem to put me down about. I am at a loss.

i have been told that I am too sensitive but their attitude is beyond a joke.

I don’t know what to do.

Fed up

Sophie_M — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 11:25:38 GMT

Dear dubrovnik

Welcome to the forums,

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do and you have shown a lot of strength in sharing your story.

We're also sorry to hear of the challenges you have been facing within the family and for the way you have been treated. But please know that this is a safe space for you to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our kind, non-judgmental community are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

In addition to the forums, we want you to know that you may also get in touch about whatever is troubling you, no matter how big or small the issue feels. Our trained mental health professionals will be able to listen and offer you care.

To call us, contact 1300 22 4636
To use webchat, Click Here

We are available 24/7. All calls and chats are one-on-one with a trained mental health professional and completely confidential.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Warm Regards,

Sophie M

Fed up

Croix — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 12:25:03 GMT

Dear Dubrovnik~
I’d like to join Sophie_M in responding to your new thread. I saw your old one at:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/hopeful

I’m not surprised you are fed up. To be told to “Snap out of it”, “Can’t you just move on” or “You are just too sensitive” are some of my pet hates.

They tell me a lot about the speaker and are not in the least bit helpful - quite the reverse. It shows the big gulf between how I feel and the speaker’s thinking.

I will admit some people do say these things with good intent,, though all it does is display a lack of understanding. Sadly many more will use it as a means of self-justification, subtly putting the blame on the person suffering.

As you have explained how you feel about your sisters’ conduct, and they have reverted to type after a while I’d be thinking there is previous little care and consideration there - so walking out is very understandable, I’d do it too.

Yes, as some people treat you badly it does have a snowball effect and you come to suspect others may do the same. This is a pity as there are many genuinely good people out there.

I see no reason at all why anybody would consider you boring, your life seems full of good choices and leaves great scope for interesting things - just they do not involve excessive drink, smoking or gambling. So what!?

Actually enjoying your own company can be a sign of wisdom and maturity.

What to do? Well even though I’m not religious I have a plaque on my kitchen wall called “The Desiderata”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata

amongst other good advice it says “Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.”

Perhaps trying to build your life with less contact may be at least a partial answer

I hope we get to talk some more

Croix

Fed up

geoff — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 16:05:37 GMT

Hello dubrovnik, in situations like this I would avoid those family members, whether or not they are jealous could be a reason why this happens, and anything you do that does make you proud, to them, they won't support you.

As long as you are strong within yourself, that's all that matters.

Geoff.

Fed up

jaz28 — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 08:03:10 GMT

Hi there,

I watched my mother go through a similar experience with her brother. Many times she walked away from gatherings really upset, and for years.

One day, she finally decided enough is enough and cut off contact with her brother. It hurt her because they were very close growing up, but her sister-in-law is very controlling over him and he has changed because of her. So my mum did not want to put herself through the sadness every time she went to gathering anymore.

Obviously, every family is different and you need to decide what is best for you. But if you have already talked to them and they still ignore your wishes, that is not okay and you deserve better than that.

I hope it improves,

jaz xx

Fed up

dubrovnik — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 08:31:16 GMT

Dear Croix

thank you very much did your lovely message & support.

4 years ago I broke up from my partner because of his sister, she was so controlling, arrogant & condescending.

I always held my tongue & ignored her comments & attitude but one day she pushed me too far, I lost it and told her off at a family gathering, my partner demanded that I apologise to her, i said no and walked out. I regret that my ex partner & I broke up because of her but not that I told her off. I just had enough.

When I was married my ex mother in law blamed me for her sons gambling issues, also I had 3 miscarriages & found out I couldn’t have children, she said it was because of that, my ex husband started gambling. In fact he had started gambling way before we got married.

thank you again

Fed up

Croix — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 11:39:08 GMT

Dear Dubrovnik~

You are very welcome though in fact I only said the obvious.

I think just abut everybody loses their temper and indulges in straight talk. After being subjected to an arrogant, controlling and condensing person with no end in sight I think anyone would do as you did.

I'm afraid that between his sister and mother you had a rather toxic environment, and to put up with them for as long as you did shows a great deal of tolerance. and desire for the marriage to work.

I guess the worst problem is that your partner was not putting you before all else. My own idea of a partnership is that each person regards the other as the most important thing in their life, and tries to be there for them, ease their load in life -and make them happy AS EQUALS..

This might sound like pie in the sky, but I've been fortunate, that has described both my marriages.

Sadly your husband firstly though he was more important and that gave him the right to demand you apologize - he had no such right. Secondly he put his family before you - you were not the most important thing in his life.

So you walked out - of course. Sure one can have disagreements or do something wrong, but discussion should be between equals and and tempered with kindness and love.

So you were right not to trust any of them. That is not a failing in you, nor is it an inability to trust another in the future - it simply has to be the right person.

Croix

Fed up

therising — Thu, 23 Jun 2022 21:11:16 GMT

Hi dubrovnik

Whenever someone says 'That person is too sensitive', the first thing that comes to mind is 'Does this person have the ability to sense better than most of the people around them?'. While being 'too sensitive' is typically thrown around as an insult, I much prefer to see it as a compliment. Wondering if the following might offer a different perspective...

Imagine you're the only person in a room full of 100 people who can sense the depressing, insulting and/or degrading nature of someone up the front giving a talk/lecture. You try telling the other 99 people 'I get a sense that person is depressing/insulting/degrading. I can just feel it'. They'll all most likely tell you 'You're being ridiculous' or 'You're imagining it'. Now, imagine you're still in that room and 5 new people walk in and sit near you. You overhear all 5 talking about the depressing, insulting and/or degrading nature of the person giving the talk/lecture. it's a relief. You thought it was just you but now you have 5 people who agree with you. All 5 people have the ability to sense the true nature of the lecturer. They can feel something's off about him/her. They feel brought down by him/her, rather than being raised to feel inspired.

So, the question is 'Are you a serious feeler?'. Sounds like it. You could even say you have an ability insensitive people don't have.

I think while we can tolerate and tolerate and tolerate what we feel from other people (being shut down, degraded, insulted, not supported etc), there comes a point where this natural part of us can come to life. Bamm, it can be born in a split second, brought to life through the tipping point into complete and utter intolerance. I've come to finally welcome the complete and utter ranting maniac in me to life. She pops in on very rare occasions and will not tolerate complete and utter poop from people. Sounds like you may have met with this part of yourself or some version of it, the 'Tell it how it is' version. I imagine you told it how it is at that family gathering and it didn't make you at all popular. I found this part of myself to be my upstanding part, the part of me that stands up for the kind of respect and consideration I truly deserve.

I've found, analysing the hell out of a situation can bring about a little heaven. Could sound a little like 'How I feel (my experiences and the people around me) is not my 'fault'. How can me being able to feel the depressing nature of those around me be a fault?'.

Fed up

Supercars — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 10:02:48 GMT

Hi there, I understand exactly what you are experiencing, I have had issues with my family to, unfortunately over the years I have had to cease contact with my family, because if I had continued to have contact with them I would be sicker than I am now, there is an old saying, that goes, You can choose your friend but not your family! Even though we are born into a family it doesn’t mean they are right for us. I have also learnt through life that a friend is NOT a friend if they are not there when you need them, I have worked out who my friends are, they are the people that support me and are there for me in my tough times as well as the good times, and who tell me off for not reaching out to them when I should, I don’t have a ‘lot’ of friends but the ones I have love me and support me that’s how I know they are my friends. I wish you all the best

Fed up hopeless

dubrovnik — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 06:31:36 GMT

Hello

I am a middle aged woman who is relatively comfortable with herself, except for issues with my 2 of my siblings.

My mother has been recently diagnosed with dementia, she is 81, she is always in positive spirits but unfortunately she also suffers from incontinence at times, she always has change of clothing, underwear & the pads for bladder leakage. I went to a family function on Tuesday night, everything went well, but then when I took my mum to the ladies room, she had an accident, luckily I had a change of clothing & underwear. My sister came into the bathroom, I told her what had happened, she started to tell me off & yell, blamed me for mr my mums accident. I got really angry and told her off! There were a couple of other people from the group & got involved, I had no support from anybody except for a passerby who witnessed the way my sister yelled at me. It was awful!

I walked out of there and went home.

This has turned me off family functions !

unfortunately when my sister and I have arguments, other family members always take her side. In front of people she is always extroverted and happy but in front of me she is different, she simply doesn’t like my personality, I am reserved and don’t like a lot of social groups & crowds.

I feel hopeless and fed up!

Re: Fed up hopeless

Croix — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 11:10:57 GMT

Dear Dubrovnic~

I've read your other posts and while you can get on with most people the relationship you have with your siblings is not good. I guess this is another instance of the same thing.

Your mum is lucky to have you. Trying to cope with someone you love who has both dementia and incontinence can not only be very saddening, but extremely physically awkward. Trying to clean and change your mum, plus dealing wiht any mess, is difficult.

I'm glad you had the foresight for the change of clothes and pads.

Under the circumstances the very last thing you need is for you to be yelled at as if it was your fault. Where is the support? Offers of help? Even thanks? She is your sister's mum too.

I don't know how much notice you mum takes of what is happening, but I'd suspect an argument may have upset her too.

Without support from other members of the family present why would you want to go to family gatherings in the future? Trying to steer clear of unfriendly and upsetting people is only sensible.

There is often a completely unjustified feeling of failure after such events -I've felt it too. I do not know why it happens, I guess the ability to stand outside oneself and see one acted reasonably is overwhelmed by emotion.

As I said you mum is lucky to have you

Croix

Re: Fed up hopeless

tranzcrybe — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 11:22:45 GMT

Sister telling you off was misdirected but blaming mother would have been insensitive in light of her condition - you simply became the scapegoat on this occasion.
Sometimes when confronted with unexpected/undesirable events, we can verbalise shock to the nearest recipient. You may also have felt distressed with what occurred, the ongoing tensions with sister, and aversion to social gatherings, leading to your own reaction in response.
However, my primary concern is for how mother processed the aggravation as this can have a deleterious impact on dementia sufferers; and it is in her interests above all that some common ground be found to avoid further heightening of tensions.
While conflict between you both may never fully abate, it is important to work together when it comes to caring for mother, deflecting accidental (or intentional) barbs by remaining impassive; and although walking out may have been the simplest solution to the conflict, I doubt it provides any remedy in the longer term.
I would encourage you to revisit the situation to discuss further in more comfortable and amicable circumstances, noting that there is rarely ever one instance that makes things right or wrong - stressful situations just bring things to a head.
In so doing, there might be some exchange of remorse for laying the blame on you, and equally any inappropriate responses in return to allow some much-needed unity over the ensuing years where some coordination of mother's future care needs will yield more positive outcomes if pre-empted and mutually supported.
Oddly enough, this sort of selfless elevation can prove quite empowering once embedded in the psyche - non sibi sed aliis.

Re: Fed up hopeless

dubrovnik — Mon, 02 Jan 2023 01:03:43 GMT

Hello Croix

Thank you for your email & for your support and kindness, it has been a struggle.

I feel really alone now, I have friends but I don’t want to bother them with this.

I broke up from my ex partner 3 years ago, it has been hard not having his support.

I always put on a positive front but lately it has been hard to do that, I do speak to a psychologist but she is on holidays now, she said that I can call her but I don’t want to disturb her holidays.

Thank you again.

Re: Fed up hopeless

dubrovnik — Mon, 02 Jan 2023 04:31:37 GMT

Hello Tranzcrybe

Thank you very much for your kindness & support.

I tried to work things out with my sister on NYE party at my parents place. Everything was going well until someone ‘good to see you hear tonight’ we started to chat then my sister made a comment about ‘me always wanting to be alone’ I ignored the comment and went on chatting to the other guests.

I started to make a few salads then my sister and another sibling said ‘why are you doing it that way’ ‘ I said that I am doing a salad the way my mother liked it’ she then said don’t you know any other way’ I said to her ‘ I am sticking with a traditional salad’ she then said ‘ only boring people like you stick to tradition’ I said to her ‘if you think you can do better then do it your way, she then called me boring and a dried up’ I said to her ‘how original’ you are in the same boat as you ‘single’. I told her to grow up! Then another family member got involved & told me that I started it’ I said you weren’t here none of your business.

I walked off, one of my britches friends asked me ‘are you okay’. I said that I am going I can’t handle this. I know that I perhaps acted the wrong way but I just couldn’t deal with that crap. Also it was 3 years since I broke up with my ex partner, I caught him in the act of cheating.

Sorry if I vented but the last few fats have been awful, I had a meltdown after I left my parents place.

Re: Fed up hopeless

tranzcrybe — Mon, 02 Jan 2023 23:35:29 GMT

Thanks Dubrovnik,
This is a good space to blow off steam - no apologies needed. Your reactions are perfectly understandable although inadvertently causing you some distress - you do not need to justify yourself or your actions to siblings, but they still have a role to play in mother's care and sustaining family harmony (if not mutual affection) for the duration.
You've had much to deal recently with which may have heightened your sensitivity to personal attacks; and while there are clearly some unresolved issues within the family dynamic, presently they are having more impact on your emotional well-being as crises compound with mother, your separation, and dealing with 'point scoring' siblings.
What other supports do you have in place?
It may be time to start looking at options for mother's long term care, ensuring she has an Advanced Care Directive and Power of Attorney to protect her interests as siblings seem to have disparate views which could only lead to more conflict further down the track.
Ideally you will all be on the same page with mother but, if personalities get in the way, contention can become an obstacle.
A little planning and a lot of compromise should offer you some peace of mind.

Re: Fed up hopeless

therising — Wed, 04 Jan 2023 21:35:41 GMT

Hi dubrovnik

You sound like such a deeply feeling extremely thoughtful person. Your mum is so blessed to have you in her life, that's for sure.

I do believe one of the greatest challenges for a deeply feeling person is having the ability to feel other people's comments, their forms of degradation, their closed mind and so much more. Degrading closed minded people can have such a feel to them. They're so easy to sense. Keep in mind sensitive people are good at sensing. Take pride in that. On the other hand, Insensitive people often can't even feel the comments they make half the time, which is one of the things that makes them so challenging.

Fighting for a good cause makes it, I believe, a good fight. How we manage the good fight is perhaps what it all comes down to. A lot of passion in a good fight becomes obvious. Sounds like you are a passionate fighter, passionately fighting for your mum, being upstanding for her. As a mum myself, it is a noble quality to have in a daughter. With the salad incident, nothing wrong with a traditional salad especially when it's the kind done in honor of someone else. Again, you're so thoughtful. You were obviously fighting for more than a salad. Everyone fights for something.

Can relate to being an introvert. Basically, I love breaks (alone time to recharge) far away from triggering people, the kind of people you can really feel and not in a good way. Such people can be a lot of hard work. You gotta watch what you say and do, act in a different way to who you naturally are, appear a certain way (if you want to avoid criticism) and the list goes on. They really are hard work. 'Are they worth all that hard work?' is the question.

Amazing how when you get a lot of highly sensitive introverts together the story changes. From 'What's wrong with me? Why do I not like people? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be like everyone else?' to all laughing together over the angering or laughable level of insensitivity and insanity others can show at times, you come to realise there's nothing wrong with you. You share the same nature as those who are as natural as you. What you share with everyone else can be a whole different story. Sharing a lot of aggravation can be a part of that story.

Re: Fed up hopeless

dubrovnik — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 09:11:30 GMT

thank you very much for your kindness and support

Re: Fed up hopeless

dubrovnik — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 10:04:45 GMT

Thank you very much for your support & kindness, it means a lot to me.

Tired and fed up

dubrovnik — Sun, 15 Jan 2023 05:33:34 GMT

I am a middle age woman who is tired of always putting on a happy face, I don’t want to do it anymore, you could probably think that I want attention & pity which don’t. I have written a post previously relating to issues with siblings.

My ex partner and I broke up 3 years ago because I could not deal with his lies and bullshit!!! I have suffered from anxiety and depression for years, I have always covered my feelings & acted in a positive way, mainly so nobody could see my pain.

it’s got to the stage where I can’t deal with being positive.

sorry I know this sounds angry but I am being honest.

Re: Tired and fed up

smallwolf — Sun, 15 Jan 2023 11:27:24 GMT

hello again,

You are allowed to feel angry. I have been reading up on your past threads also. This is a good space to be if/when you want to be honest - i believe it is not good to try to keep it all inside.

It sounded like from one of your previous threads/stories you were getting professional help. Is that still the case? it also sounded like you were not getting much support either from those around you. If you wanted to chat about anything...?