topic It Never Ends in Depression

It Never Ends

Buzz71 — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 00:52:39 GMT

Hi I posted much of this in the newbie thread but I would like to seek a wider audience.

I am 49, married (second time around) with two kids from my first marriage, and a five year old from my second. I am a career public servant at upper middle level, and I have had battles with depression and anxiety since my early 20s. Right now I'm going through (yet another) severe bout of depression. I appreciate we shouldn't post too much personal detail here but context is important.
I'm actually on leave on half pay all of 2020. After many years of stress at work I decided to take this year to be a stay at home dad and help my youngest with their first year of school. Things haven't gone quite to plan with COVID etc but that's unavoidable.
Now I am at home and at least not stressed by work but I am depressed as ever. I am very fortunate and have no major problems but I can't seem to shake it. I've tried two different medications over the years but mostly I feel the side-effects are worse than any possible benefits. I have finally weaned off the second of these with much difficulty.
I feel hopeless ... everything is poisoned by the depression. Halfway through my leave and I am already starting to stress about returning to work. Long hours and high stress are part of the deal and my family has suffered over the years. I saw little of my older two children when they were younger because I was always at work. I don't want - and my wife definitely doesn't want - me to return to that habit.
But at home not working I haven't found the peace and joy I was seeking. The depression never leaves and I am ... so... tired... of fighting every single day. I wake up and it punches me in the face. I am not suicidal but I do have thoughts about it being the only way to stop the pain. I have quit drinking because I did come close once last year on a work trip - after a lot of drinks I found myself on a high balcony and considered doing it.
I do have professional help and have a psych I have seen for many years. She is good but no one else in my life understands the pain. My wife cares but doesn't know how to help, and I feel that it is slowly destroying our relationship. I have no real friends left - no one wants to be around depressed people. I feel hopeless- I see no way out and I can't see any options that will make things better.
So here I am - hoping to talk to people that understand depression and won't just tell me to cheer up and move on. Thanks for listening.

It Never Ends

Gambit87 — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 09:12:59 GMT

Hi Buzz71,

depression and anxiety can be so so brutal - I know how you feel. I've carried depression and anxiety around for the better part of 10-15 years before having a breakdown 8 months ago.

Ive been at my job for 10 years now. My job is the very definition of a dead end job, Theres no opportunity for advancement, Ive never moved up - just moved sideways. I'm have the same job title as when I first started. I was going to throw in the towel and quit just before I hit 10 years but my psychologist said something that hit me - Its not what you do in life, its how you life your life. I was hating my self so much for being in the position I was in but when I thought about it - work aside - I had it pretty good. So I had a plan that I was going to hit 10 years - go on a long holiday and look for another job - then COVID hit...

Cant even describe how that made me feel.

I feel you maybe could be a little burntout? In need of a new job/career change? It takes so much strength to raise a family, have a highly stressful job AND have depression. When was the last time you had YOU time? I only ask because my psychologist recommend I take 2 weeks leave as I was burntout and during those 2 weeks I did things that made me feel happiness and joy which made me feel less depressed and anxious.

You cant pour from and empty glass, YOU are important too!

Youre not alone here mate.

It Never Ends

Buzz71 — Fri, 14 Aug 2020 04:09:30 GMT

Hi Gambit87

Thanks for your supportive post. I like the advice - it is not what you do but how you live life. It sounds like you have a good psychologist.

I think in my case I've done many years of stressful work and sacrificed way too much of friends and family along the way. I am taking 'me' time this year, I've taken a break, I think I'm just over the whole live to work rather than work to live thing.

Specific stressors aside, the depression is so bad it has just drained all the colour out of life. I either don't enjoy hobbies anymore or worse - still feel guilty when I am doing them - even though I am on leave and supposed to be relaxing! The brain is a strange and powerful beast.

I'm just so tired of fighting it. Sometimes it retreats a little for an hour or two - then bam, back it comes with the force of a hurricane. Sometimes it is so bad it takes my breath away. I feel it like a black living thing inside me, twisting a knife inside. People talk about the black dog as a companion but for me, it is pain inside that other people can't see or understand.

It all begins to seem a bit pointless really. Most of the joy is washed out of life. I hold on for others - my wife, children and extended family who I know would be devastated if I took action to end it. It just never ends and I struggle to keep going when every day is just pain. How do you keep fighting a battle that you feel you can never win?

I just want it to stop and I know it won't and there is just no end in sight.

It Never Ends

White_Rose — Fri, 14 Aug 2020 06:30:43 GMT

Hello Buzz71

Welcome to the forum. It does take strength to post here so congratulations. Depression AKA the black dog is horrible. Twenty years ago depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never felt anything like this. All the symptoms you describe fitted me. I also tried medication, lots of different pills all with horrendous side effects. In the end I stopped taking them. I had a good GP who got me to try an AD from the original group of antidepressant meds, TCA group. It was amazing how much better I felt.

I know people often think meds will cure their depression but it's not so. They work to give you breathing space to stop your brain fogging up so when the meds just add to that it does not work.The AD I was prescribed really helped me to be calm and receptive to help which I had not been in the past. I struggled with thoughts of ending it all. I would tell myself it was OK, I could go ahead in an hour's time. When the hour was up I set a new time. This was the only way I got through the day for a long time.

I met a great psychiatrist just after the meds change. Whether it was because I could see more clearly or not I don't know but she was so helpful. After a while I was beginning to see a way forward or at least a lessening of the pain. You are quite right about the pain being physical. I could always feel my depression from the ache or pains in my body.

I've talked a lot about me and I hope you don't mind. I wanted you to know you can get past all this horribleness. I also knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that life would always be this black world. I am so happy I was proved wrong.

You said your wife does not know how to help you or support you. Have you investigated the fact sheets on this site? Look under The Facts at the top of the page and also Get Support. Lots of good information there and it is reliable. You can download any of the fact sheets but must send for the booklets, no charge for these. One booklet in particular may be useful as it is for family and friends. It could help your wife gain a better understanding of your depression and perhaps she would read the fact sheets as well. Depression does not show itself like the 'flu or a broken leg and it is hard to see how it can cause so much damage. The brain really is a strange beast.

Please believe the depression can stop and there is an end in sight. By the way, are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist?

Mary

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Buzz71 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 01:20:25 GMT

Thanks for your response Mary. I really appreciate others sharing their experiences, it helps to know that others feel similar ways and have found paths to better places.

I will definitely look into the resources. I am seeing an excellent psychologist who has been with me for many years. I recently lost my GP who moved away - he was outstanding, and my new one just isn't the same. The original one really was a holistic look after your long term health kind, really cared. The new one is just a treat the symptom of the day type so I really miss having that GP who looked at the bigger picture.

My psych does help a lot but I've already used up most of my allowed sessions for the year so I don't know what next. I want to stay off meds if possible - they definitely are no silver bullet.

Perhaps I will try the hour by hour strategy.

Apart from the pain I just hate the feeling of hopelessness and feel that nothing really matters anymore. I'm trying to focus on my family - prioritising them helps. I just miss the joy of life and most of all so, so tired of the constant battle just to keep my head above water.

It Never Ends

Buzz71 — Wed, 26 Aug 2020 22:30:17 GMT

Hello everyone

I thought I would reach out again as things have not really improved. I have taken the decision that when I go back to work in five months time I will go back at a lower level with (hopefully) less stress. It feels like admitting defeat but I think it is the best move as it will allow me to remain the primary carer for our early school age child.

Finally making the decision has removed some anxiety but the depression is still terrible. I can't help this increasing feeling it's all pointless. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't seem to enjoy doing anything. Guilt is high as I am leading what by any measure is a secure, safe and privileged life. I go through the motions but everything seems dull and lifeless. I have no direction. I keep trying to focus on my family and it doing the household stuff gets me through the day but there is no sense of happiness there either. I love my family very much but they don't understand how this feels and I feel myself becoming more and more disconnected. Every day seems harder and more of an effort. No idea how to stop this downward spiral.

Yes I am seeing a psychologist although I am almost out of visits - only 2 left this year before I run out of the mental health plan.

It Never Ends

Gambit87 — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 05:59:47 GMT

Hey Buzz,

sounds like theres going to be a bit of weight lifted from your shoulders work wise!

I know the feelings of not feeling happiness or not enjoying anything. Just going through the motions feeling like a robot knowing that you should be feeling something - but it isn't there.

Slowly slowly (its been tough) Ive been getting back out there and because of that - I've been feeling things again. For me, its baby steps. Things like going for a walk down the street to get a coffee or sitting by the river. My partner forced me to go to places - which I hated at first but id always feel better afterwards. I've started my photography again, going on bike rides etc.

Somedays it feels like im back at square one - but I forgive myself and start again.

It Never Ends

Buzz71 — Sun, 04 Jul 2021 23:58:17 GMT

Hello everyone.

Almost a year has passed. Things are not going well again so I thought I would reach out.

Update - I went through with the plan described above. I went back to work in February, voluntarily demoting myself two levels. In some respects, this has been a good decision. I'm no longer working 10+ hours a day, I'm no longer managing people. The topic I work on doesn't interest me like my former work but I have managed to secure a deal where I work from home three days a week. I've also managed to arrange my time so that I can have Wednesday afternoons off to play golf. Essentially the time I save on not commuting three days offsets my Weds afternoons.

So in theory all should be great. Unfortunately nothing has changed, the depression is worse than ever. I've reached new levels of despair as no matter how many things I seem to change in my life it just doesn't get better. I force myself to go to golf as my only real form of exercise, but all I really want to do is crawl up in a ball at home. I still stress about work and every day I hate it, I almost count the days until I can retire, but it is still five years away - it feels like a prison sentence. Then I hate myself for wishing my life away yearning for the day I can stop working. I can't just do something else though - (a) because the anxiety with doing something new would be enormous, (b) I would beat myself up with guilt for quitting, and (c) most of all I am fortunate enough to be in a defined benefits super scheme which would be crazy to let go of.

With the depression I find it so hard to do almost anything. I struggle to get things done around the house. I can sometimes distract myself by playing something immersive on the computer - strategy games that make you think - but then I feel super guilty I have been wasting time. And so the never ending cycle goes of me either hating what I am doing or beating myself up with guilt for not doing things I should be.

I still see my psych regularly but even that feels stale a bit - it is a short term salve but there is no real strategy or hope it will ever be different. I am due to go back to the GP soon but my regular GP (who was fantastic) has moved away and my new GP just isn't the same. Having had two terrible experiences on medication I am very loath to try something else where the side effects are often worse than any benefits.

Can't see a path out. How I wish for some light and hope.

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Sophie_M — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 05:17:28 GMT

Hi Buzz71,

THank you for coming back to update us on your experiences, it sounds like you have been dealing with quite a lot since you last posted here. Depression is a compelx and difficult thing to manage and we are really sorry that you are still trying to find your best way of healing. We know it can be such a challenge to work when we are not feeling our best or are experiencing a mental health condition. We are really sorry you are going through this right now.

We do think that you are being incredible and brave as you continue to work to make your life the best it can possibly be. We are also very thankful that you have deceided to share this today, you never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own struggles.

We want to recommend that you give us a call on 1300 22 4636 so you can talk through these feelings with one of our team. They will be able to support you in the moments that you feel low as well as offer advice on where else to seek support.

We hope that you can be gentle with yourself and be able to see what a great step it is to open up and seek support here on the forums. Please feel free to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable. This warm and welcoming community are here for you, you don't have to go through this alone.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

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Gambit87 — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 06:49:08 GMT

Hi Buzz,

Its good you've been able to restructure your work life a bit!

Depression is a nasty nasty beast.

I too struggle with the guilt that comes with playing a game or watching a movie or reading a book etc when I feel I should be doing chores, or gardening or tafe assignments etc. What im learning is that its perfectly ok to take time out to do those things. You're allowed to take time out.

remember, youre not alone here buzz.

It Never Ends

Amanda2000 — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 13:01:33 GMT

Hi Buzz,

You are certainly not alone. I understand what you're going through from my own experience. I'm a homebody. Just like how you've described, I haven't been able to find peace and relaxation from the "covid-staying at home". Everyday I wake up feeling confused over what day it is. Daily routine like brushing-teeth/shower/laundry etc. feels more and more tedious. By the time I get to bed, I feel so overwhelmed. I don't feel relaxed at all to be able to sleep restfully.

If I can stop my over-thinking, it's a big help.

Also I enjoy watching tv as a distraction. But somedays my mind feels so cluttered that I can't follow what I'm watching.

Maybe the way to deal with depression is to accept that we all have good days and bad days. If today is a bad day, then tomorrow can be better, right?

Regarding your comment about guilt/wasting time from doing something fun, I once heard a very good line from a movie ..... If you've enjoyed wasting the time, then it hasn't been a waste of time!!

It Never Ends

therising — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 20:34:46 GMT

Hi Buzz71

It sounds like you're working so hard to find all the right things that may lead you out of depression. Having experienced depression for about 15 years earlier in my life, I can relate to some of the hardest workers in life being those who strive to battle through and beyond depression. It can be so thoroughly exhausting.

Sounds like you're working hard to find your best. I've found this to be such an enormous trial and error deeply challenging process. It's the kind of process that can take years. To complicate things, finding our best will vary depending on circumstances. Eg: You can play your best game of golf at 7am but play a shocking game at 7 the next day. The 1st game may be based on the type of sleep you got the night before and there being few thoughts to distract you. Your best can resemble the right ingredients for the best recipe.

I can relate to the difficulty in finding your best when the chemistry in depression is influencing energy levels and mental perception. In this case, it's about your best under the circumstances (mind altering depression).

Would you say you're at your best (under the circumstances of depression), seeing a GP who treats you holistically, working less than 10+ hours a day, corresponding with people who can relate to depression, playing mental exercise games (without the guilt) and when you have a little more energy than usual?

Would you say you're at your worst or it's more depressing seeing a GP who doesn't treat you holistically, taking meds that mess with you, having people around who can't relate to depression, feeling enormous guilt and experiencing virtually no energy?

Is there anyone leading you to recognise or find your best or are most people leaving you to vibe at the same depressing levels of hopelessness? Do you think you could discover more of 'your best' if your wife researched depression and began to trial some outside the square strategies based on new found knowledge and a sense of wonder/experimentation? Like having a live in therapist who could lead you to possibility and hope. One of the things I found most depressing during my years in depression involved the lack of interest and positive input from my husband. Being basically loved wasn't enough to make a difference. I needed to be loved strategically, back to life.

Could redefining 'guilt' make some difference for you?

Buzz, how can we see we're doing out best if no one has led us to see it?

Believe me when I say you're amazing 🙂

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Buzz71 — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 02:01:12 GMT

Thank you everyone for your kind responses - all of which were helpful. Good to hear from you again Gambit, I hope things are trending in a better direction for you also.

Amanda, you certainly are right with the over-thinking. I'm forever casting my gaze out to the future, worried about so many things. One of the goals I have set myself is just to try and be present in today, and not be forever ruminating about the big picture stressors. I find this really difficult, I can do it in micro bursts sometimes but when I am not concentrating I default back to over-thinking.

Therising, thanks there were some wonderful points there. I totally agree with this line - "Is there anyone leading you to recognise or find your best or are most people leaving you to vibe at the same depressing levels of hopelessness". It is most assuredly the latter. I actually get quite angry with a lot of the mental health initiatives etc etc because it seems like these are aimed at making everyone else feel like they have done something by simply asking the question, but there is nothing underneath, or at least very few people know how to actually engage in a supportive manner with people struggling with depression.

Someone earlier did mention looking at finding resources on the site for partners to read but I struggled to find anything relevant, perhaps I was not looking in the right place. If you have any resources on how to be "loved strategically" (I like this idea!) then I would be most grateful.

Thank you all for your contributions. I will re-read several times and let it sink in.

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Amanda2000 — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 13:12:20 GMT

Hi Buzz,

For me, distraction is the most effective way to kill the over-thinking. My work was very stressful in the past few months. People left and were not replaced so all their workload got dumped on me! But it was a very welcoming distraction - temporarily .... until the work became a little overwhelming and I felt like people always wanted something from me. I think we just need little distractions here and there to help get through the bad days. It's like each short-term adds up to a long-term.

My downtime is when the over-thinking returns. I look forward to some peace and quiet, but instead of being able to relax, I'm hit with negative thoughts from all directions. Both frustrating and exhausting!

I also have to focus hard on living at the present. The pre-emptive worries are always worse than doing the actual thing. I try to say to myself "don't think and just do it!"

Regarding the resources for partners to read, I've just googled "living with someone with depression". The list has a few items on relationships. Try it and see if there's anything relevant for you. Haha at least your partner is willing to understand the condition. I wish my husband was as supportive. I did try to talk to him as a "cry for help" but it made everything worse. He's not the sensitive type and his response to me was "move on!!". So now I just stay quiet and don't talk on my bad days. Not ideal but it's the best way given the circumstances.

It takes a fellow sufferer to understand the condition. Chatting with you has helped me offload some of my own struggles. Thank you for listening!

It Never Ends

Guest9337 — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 14:22:28 GMT

G'day Buzz71,

I'm thinking Buzz lightyear from Toy Story and born in 1971, i was born in 72 and now love a good comedy.

You are a solid writer, after reading your posts I felt trapped, bouncing around off your statements, boundaries, circumstances and emotions. Sure is a complex situation.

I avoided comedies for a long time, didn't want to experience laughing, I still don't know why, maybe I didn't value laughter enough. Is there anything motivating in laughter, like, what's funny for you Buzz71?

Here's one that my grandpa told me over 30 years ago. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." Took me twenty years to get a laugh out of that! I am serious, twenty years later - just one day I thought to myself, what if grandpa was being sarcastic with the statement? And click, absolutely hilarious.

When I worked in a government building, in the mail room, a workmate and I collected jokes that we emailed around, got quite a large document happening. Never got in trouble sharing that document and it just kept growing and growing. Work sucked, it was boring, repetitive, simple, promotion only through death of supervisor! But we had that joke file and it helped. Was a work romance breakup that eventually forced me to leave, just couldn't bear seeing the ex at work day in day out on the same floor level, had to leave. Cost me a secure full time job and is actually the last full time work I had since 2000, totally worth it leaving, too much pain to stay.

Here's a thought for you Buzz71. 5 years is a long time in prison, feeling the way you express about work. Under what circumstances would you be able to quit?

What would salve the guilt you mention? Which different positions inspire you? Is it more crazy to spend five years in "prison" for defined benefits super scheme than ... something else?

Anxiety can guide you sometimes, I think we feel anxiety about important-to-us things/roles. I felt anxiety about public speaking but overcame that because I love coaching sports to kids. I was comfortable about being uncomfortable. In the beginning of my coaching career I had trouble sleeping the night before a session, I'd have pretty solid butterflies meeting any of the school staff or parents and when introducing myself to the group at start of the session.

For me eventually those anxieties did lessen, hope is real.

It Never Ends

therising — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 22:22:38 GMT

Hi Buzz71

You've triggered me to serious contemplation. I'm always grateful to anyone who holds the power to do this 🙂

I suppose, some of my strategies involve the imagination. I've found the power of imagination to be highly underrated. There are times where I'll lead myself or my kids (18yo daughter and 15yo son) to imagine something other than what's in our mind. For example, just the other day my daughter was facing what she imagined would be one of the toughest days at work so far. In her mind she saw the stress she was convinced she'd be facing. I said to her 'I want you to imagine there's someone at work who holds the ability to help you manage. Who do imagine this to be? Who comes to mind?' Suddenly, she imagined a particular person. 'Now, what do you imagine yourself saying to her at the start of the day, in the way of a plan for you to manage?' She imagined herself asking this person, the person who was training her 'What do you need me to focus on most today, in order of priority?' Long story short, my daughter got to work to find this woman saying to her, before my daughter could put her plan in motion 'I need you to focus on this today. If anyone comes to you with work they should be doing themself, tell them to go and complete their own paperwork, as you don't have the time. Say this directive comes from me'.

To find people who can trigger my imagination in a way that actually works, can help me in making some sort of shift. In a way that actually works is the most important part of the plan. For example, I could say to you 'Imagine getting some much needed exercise by walking around the block 3 times'. You can't imagine this making a difference. If I said 'Imagine going for a walk in a place that naturally raises your spirits a bit, like hiking in the hills' you may easily imagine this making some difference, even if it's just a little bit.

Daydreaming is a lost art form we practiced as children. I found for myself, losing this ability comes with consequences. If we can't imagine a difference, like that which may be presented in daydreaming, it can feel like we're stuck in a hellish reality. A daydream could be something as simple as us seeing our self no longer working 10+ hours a day and instead imagining working from home. Suddenly, coming out of that imagined reality, the question becomes 'Can I make that real?'

Imagination can be an incredibly powerful. The challenge involves being conscious of who triggers what kind of imagery.

🙂

It Never Ends

Buzz71 — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 01:11:59 GMT

Amanda - many thanks I found myself nodding and agreeing as I read your post! I used to distract myself *with* my work when I had a busy job I found interesting. Unfortunately, it was stressful also and took up most of my life. Now I have found a less stressful job, but a field that isn't really my thing and it distracts me less. Catch 22! On the whole it is better I think because I have time for my family.

That said, the time I am spending with the family is increasingly poor due entirely to me. I don't like being with myself - so I can imagine it is horrible for my wife. I'm very conscious it is putting a strain on our relationship. I did google search as you suggested but many of the hits seemed to be advice for partners to leave! This frightens me a lot, I worry my wife will tire of coping and move on.

We did try to talk last night but mostly her counsel is just to force myself to carryon. I've been doing that for years, I'm tired of having to force myself every single day. It's frustrating, if you had a broken leg or any other physical health problem you don't get told just to carry on regardless. Yet with depression it just seems to be oh well suck it up.

Thanks again for your thoughts I really appreciate it.

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Buzz71 — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 01:27:55 GMT

Hi David n Goliath,

Thanks for your post. I had started reading your thread and will comment there too. Some of your thoughts resonated with me, I very much just want to withdraw into my comfortable cave and not come out. I probably already have done that to a large extent - I don't have many friends anymore, certainly not close ones. I tend to avoid social things now - and who wants to be with the depressed person anyway.

Your question - under what circumstances would you be able to quit? It's hard to answer. Theoretically, I could tomorrow. My wife has a good job and we could probably scrape by on her income alone. But it would have a massive impact on us financially and the guilt for me would be enormous. I'd be directly impacting our quality of life and financial future. So I don't really see that as viable and I just have to somehow carry on until I am 55 at least.

Then of course I don't want to spend the next five years wishing my life away. Having hit 50 I'm conscious for the first time that life is not forever. I think that is partially why I am so frustrated with it now, I always hoped after decades of treatment that I would reach this spot where my worries would be over. Honestly I think that is why retiring seems like nirvana - I would love to just have my comfy cave, play games to distract me, do some regular exercise, sit in the sun, maybe some gardening. Instead I have five more years of dragging myself to work.

I know it is a mindset thing - but as we know, with depression changing that mindset is oh so hard.

It Never Ends

Buzz71 — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 01:39:23 GMT

Hi therising

Thanks for a thought provoking post. I think I agree with your thoughts on imagination and daydreaming. The problem I face is I all too often am daydreaming of this imagined nirvana where I can let go of the rat race and not have that hanging over me. To an extent I tried that last year with a year's long service leave. It partially worked, but because I had the return hanging over me I tended to ruminate over that and the depression was ever present.

So I need to imagine some shorter term things and change my mindset on my present. Of course knowing this and implementing this are two different things. I think this is one of the hardest things to explain to non-depression sufferers who try to help. Most if not all of the suggestions of course we have already tried - if it was as simple as "try x strategy" then of course all of us sufferers would leap at it. But it isn't that easy is it.

For example, as you said: "A daydream could be something as simple as us seeing our self no longer working 10+ hours a day and instead imagining working from home. Suddenly, coming out of that imagined reality, the question becomes 'Can I make that real?'" - well I did it, I went through it it and made enormous changes. The problem is - it hasn't fixed anything. Is it better? In some ways yes. At least I am present more for my family. Problem is I'm just physically present but still trapped in the depression.

I wish I knew the answer. I feel a lot like a fish swimming upstream against society's expectations. Most of my (especially male) acquaintances are shocked when I say I voluntarily demoted myself two levels. It's not the done thing! You always have to be striving for improvement, reaching for more, if you aren't growing you are dying etc etc. I will say female colleagues have been more understanding. But generally, society treats you like a leper when you try to opt out of the mainstream path.

Thank you though for your interesting thoughts. I will keep exploring ways to try and daydream in a positive manner 🙂

It Never Ends

Guest9337 — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 04:24:33 GMT

Hey Buzz71, thanks for your honesty, I would love to read your thoughts in my anti-movement thread.

What is quality of life?

Seems to me you are trading present quality of life for a hoped for particular quality of life post retirement. That's cool, like the marshmellow test, delay eating one marshmellow now because later you'll have two marshmellows. It's what quite a lot of financial institutions portray as a good way to live. Giving up the now for something superior in the future, apparently quite a normal thing to do. Some find it motivating to delay gratification for later positive outcomes.

My horizon is so close I see no reason to plan for anything much further away than a few months.

I accept that you choose to delay leaving the job, then what follows is that you should aim to extend your life in retirement. That's about being healthy so that you can benefit from your healthy delay for as long as possible by living a long and quality life post retirement. You may find motivation in being proactive about your health.

Is your health good? Might be worthwhile to see a GP and getting instructions on how to extend your life and its quality. Things like overweight, lack of exercise, poor sleep are associated with depression and can cut years off a persons life.

I imagine that making it to retirement and discovering having a shorter life span expectation would be heart breaking.

So increase the value of your present work by aiming to extend your life.