topic It's a constant battle I can't seem to win in Depression

It's a constant battle I can't seem to win

Nevermind_me — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 00:54:41 GMT

I know I’m ranting and I’m sorry. I just need someone to hear me out.

I’ve always felt frustrated and angry since I can remember. As a child, I had violent outbursts and breakdowns out of seemingly nothing. As I’ve gotten older, that anger still resides deep down and never really goes away. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m fine and I’ll change, it never subsides. I had a pretty ordinary childhood, so I can’t blame my parents or anything for these feelings. I’ve just always had them and that’s that. Nowadays, I’m still seething to the point where I want to ruin everything and everyone, including myself. On top of that, I feel dull and have given up on living. There are some days where I’ll lie down in bed for hours and do nothing cause the things that once made me happy, seem too hard or not worth it anymore. Deep down, I know it’s self-destructive and I’ve desperately tried to change my attitude. However, it’s getting to the point where I wish I wasn’t born or the world would be better of without me.

My relationships with others are also unstable at times. One minute we’ll be fine, the next I’ll be yelling and taking out all my issues onto them. I’ve told my family numerous times that I thought there was something wrong with me, but they usually dismiss it. They say ‘you’re just stressed’ or ‘anxious,’ which is probably true to an extent. However, I still can’t explain why I randomly pick fights with everyone, even though they’ve never done anything. Also, I don’t understand why one minute I love everyone and cling to them, then the next, I hate them and push them away. It’s like paranoia. I’m so worried or afraid everyone hates me, that I’d rather hurt them, before they hurt me. I barely try to make friends cause I have such a strong distrust of everyone I meet. I’m so antisocial now that I don’t even really have friends anymore. I stopped keeping in touch with them and they moved on.

It feels like I’m trapped in purgatory and can’t escape. Everything is moving around me while I'm being devoured by anger, insecurity and insanity.

It's a constant battle I can't seem to win

Sophie_M — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 01:10:58 GMT

Dear Nevermind_me,

Welcome to our online forums. You've found a safe and non-judgmental place where users give and received support based on their own experiences with mental health.

Please know help is always available to you. Our support service, staffed by qualified mental health professionals, is available to you 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or by email (replies within 24 hours) or webchat from 3pm to midnight AEST via https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support.

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It's a constant battle I can't seem to win

Croix — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 11:42:09 GMT

Dear Nevermind_me~

You re most welcome to rant. Getting someone else to listen to your troubles is a very human and OK thing to do.

Reading through your post I can see that you are concentrating on anger, starting in early childhood and going on up till now, a destructive thing.

You also talk of not feeling it is worth getting up some days, that you have lost the ability to enjoy things and are a burden to others -who you both need and drive away.

If you are anything like me I was trapped. Depression and anxiety had taken hold and I felt a great deal as you have, though the anger only came more recently. I could see no way out, and also like you thought the world would be better off without me.

I kept getting worse until I had the correct medical support, in my case a GP, psychiatrist and therapy/medications.

Then I improved, something I’d never been able to do on my own.

So if your family is dismissive of your account of how you are the chances are that as they may not have felt that way themselves - they simply do not understand.

You really do need to see a doctor and say how things have been, you can start with an extended appointment with your GP, or if you are under 25 maybe eHeadspace (1800 650 890 though they can be slow). The main thing is an experienced professional gets a chance to see how you are, and works towards what is going wrong.

Your life is a terrible one at the moment, however, like me, I am sure there can be vast improvements, with stability and a loss of anger.

In all your family or friends is there anyone you can just talk to, be taken seriously, and who cares? Being alone facing all this is extra hard.

I hope you come back and talk more

Croix

It's a constant battle I can't seem to win

Nevermind_me — Sun, 09 Aug 2020 08:50:55 GMT

Dear Croix,

Thank you so much for the advice. You've been an immense help and I am grateful that someone actually wanted to listen for once.

It hurts to know you've also experienced so much pain. I hope that life is looking brighter and that you're feeling better now.

I think it's about time I see someone cause as you've mentioned, it's not easy to do alone. I honestly believe my loved ones just can't deal with my constant emotional problems and I can't blame them somewhat.

thanks again,

Nevermind_me