topic Getting married and feeling down, am I normal? in Depression

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

Meliss — Sat, 27 Feb 2021 03:20:57 GMT

First off I have to say I have a lot going on.
I am struggling with every day functioning at the moment.
I feel more depressed after covid lockdown than when we were in lockdown. I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to do anything. I'd rather just lay around all day.
I am due to be married soon, but we have postponed twice already. My friend is trying to talk to me about the wedding and all I can do is be sad. 2 of my family members had covid. My mother in law has alzheimers and is getting worse by the day. I just feel like what's the point of anything. My eating has gone bad. I don't even feel like cooking and I normally love it. 2 of our bridal party are overseas and 1 moved interstate. And on top of all of this I hate my job. I signed up for a class last year, only to find I hated it. So now I'm back at square one. I just want to get a job where I am appreciated. I worked right through covid and it feels like everything is catching up with me now.
I must say I do love my fiancee and it's not him making me feel this way. . He's a beautiful person who I love very much and look forward to being married to.
I'm over it all. What's the point of anything.
What can I do? This is the worst i have felt for a long time.

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

white knight — Sat, 27 Feb 2021 06:13:32 GMT

Hi, welcome

Any wonder you are overloaded. Normally organising a wedding is hard enough but with Covid and all the other issues on your shoulders like other peoples health etc- wow! That's tough.

Ok, there is some things you can do. If there is a task that you can delegate to someone else then try that. "Hi X, I'm wondering if you can help me out and take over the flowers of my wedding"? etc

Secondly- focus. We all sometimes fall into "doomsday" thinking but when the day finally arrives it usually falls into place and you'll be laughing and your eyes will sparkle.

Thirdly- relaxation. Yes, it sounds ridiculous but truly, it will help. 20 minutes a day chill out. Put thi on while you are lying down - Youtube maharaji sunset

Finally - being realisitic. These ups and downs is a part of life that we have no control over. It is far better to accept that things will and do go wrong even planning the perfect wedding! In fact often it is the things that do go wrong in a wedding that makes the wedding special like suddenly raining and everyone starts laughing. In my case I knew my wife to be would start crying so I offered her a hankerchief and she started pulling it out of my sleeve and there was 15 of them tied together. It certainly brkoe the ice of the otherwise quiet wedding in a park.

Thankyou for writing in. Many people read these posts and will benefit out of it.

TonyWK

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

missep123 — Sat, 27 Feb 2021 07:35:54 GMT

Hi Meliss,

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been feeling that way. I feel like COVID has really made us re-evaluate and think about everything so much. I first want to highlight that it's so great to hear how much you love your fiancee and that you are looking forward to getting married. I am so glad to hear that you have that support in your life.

It sounds like there are many things going on for you at the moment. If you would write down on a list the things you wanted to change and how you would obtain this, what would you put? (this is more of an open question, you can write it down here or keep it to yourself of course whichever you feel most comfortable).

TonyWK mentioned some great points above, did anything stand out to you or resonate with you?

We are definitely here for you! Please keep us updated!

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

amberlite — Fri, 05 Mar 2021 03:38:46 GMT

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer ,for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

The marriage vows all the rest pails into insignificance,

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

Emmen — Fri, 05 Mar 2021 04:18:43 GMT

Dear Meliss,

Welcome to the forums.

You may be putting too much pressure on yourself. You've got a lot going on in life - from various illnesses to people overseas/interstate to a job you don't like. The wedding is a happy thing, but with everything else, you're just too overwhelmed to feel happy about the wedding. Wedding planning itself is stressful - in the lead up to my wedding, I remember feeling exhausted and wishing I could fast forward everything to the days after our wedding.

My advice to you would be to write down all the things you have to do right now so that it's feels more organised. You also have to be clear on the things you can control and those that you can't. For instance, family members being ill is something that takes an emotional toll, but you cannot control that. Your job is something you can change, but perhaps that should be left until the wedding so that you can concentrate on the wedding now. As for your bridal party members being overseas/interstate, I'd suggest coming up with alternative plans that don't involve them as heavily given our current border situation. Or you could consider getting them involved though a live stream if possible.

It's a stressful time now, but it'll get better. Hang in there.

Kindly,
M

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

missep123 — Fri, 05 Mar 2021 05:59:04 GMT

Hi Meliss,

I wanted to check in on you and see how you were going?

We are definitely here for you!

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

therising — Fri, 05 Mar 2021 20:02:53 GMT

Hi Meliss

My heart goes out to you as you sound thoroughly exhausted and overwhelmed by a multitude of challenges that sound like they're getting the better of you to various degrees.

You pose a couple of valid statements, 'I'm over it all' and 'What's the point of anything'.

I can relate to picking the heck out of all the things I'm over regarding certain aspects of life, especially given the challenges of last year. While I believe most of us love the feelings that come with managing constructive aspects of life, last year seemed very much destructive in certain ways. If we define our self somewhat through a structured life, COVID lock down didn't just take away much of our structure, it kind of took away part of who we were. If what we love is adventure, excitement, routine/predictability, short term things to look forward to, solid plans to ground us in the way ahead, social interaction and so on, for a while we lost what we love to a degree. Personally, I could say I just wasn't feeling the love, that connection to life, and that does impact us naturally, mentally and chemically. So, now as I set to restructuring my life, it has also become about rekindling the love, creating a spark. Easier said than done and for good reason...

Another way of saying 'What's the point of it all' could be 'Was the last lot of 'kindling' all that good to begin with?' So, here comes the real challenge. If we look at each bit of 'kindling' that could fuel the fire (the passion) in life, is an okay kinda job going to contribute to such an outcome? What about basic adventuring (adding basic ventures to life as oppose to great ones that are going to reform us in significant ways)? Do we wish to 'go with the flow' better or do we want to do more than wish? Do we look more into who we naturally are and what that flow is? Do we long to find a group of people we vibe more than just basically with? Do we want to find our 'tribe', people who'll inspire and raise us in the most amazing ways? The list of 'kindling' goes on.

I believe, while we can feel basically happy and basically in love with life, we can reach a point where 'basically' just doesn't cut it anymore. What's the point in living basically? The point to life is to live it sensationally, to feel it. I'm wondering if you can relate to the question 'How do I manage to feel life, on a new level?'

Personally, I can say 'The fire (passion) was gradually going out'. I just didn't realise it.

Now...to start that fire.

🙂

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

Meliss — Mon, 08 Mar 2021 02:31:35 GMT

Hi all, thanks so much for all your support. It definitely helps.

I have been feeling a bit better. I have been forcing myself to go out and do things. It's hard sometimes but I feel much better

I also have been focusing heaps on things outside of work. I've been on a job interview, applied for another short course, and we are applying For a home loan for our very own first home.

Thanks again

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

therising — Mon, 08 Mar 2021 11:06:23 GMT

Hi Meliss

Things definitely sound like they're getting more exciting. I'm glad the way forward for you is beginning to look and feel a little different. While there can be some sense of security in the 'sameness' or routine of life, excitement often comes through the differences we make. You are bravely pursuing a lot of difference, something to be so incredibly proud of. It can take enormous courage when it comes to gradating through life to find the best in our self.

🙂

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

missep123 — Wed, 10 Mar 2021 23:53:28 GMT

Hi Meliss,

I'm so glad to hear that you have been feeling a little bit better. I am very proud of you for making sure your mental health and wellbeing is a priority. I know that it can be so difficult to force yourself to go out and do things but I am the same, I feel better for it afterwards.

That is so great to hear that you went for a job interview and applied for a short course. It is looking like a hopeful new chapter for you 🙂

I look forward to hearing from you!

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

Meliss — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 09:31:55 GMT

I was going much better, now I've had a workplace incident and I'm upset and stressed to the Max.
A coworker randomly started swearing and screaming at me for a mistake I made. I screamed back, and she pushed me in my side. It wasn't hard but she did. I didn't touch her I just got very angry until another coworker calmed me down.
She was screaming at me and had to be held back. Everyone I work with was disgusted in her behaviour.
There's an investigation. I made a statement. Why would I be getting suspended if I did nothing wrong? What do you think?

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

therising — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 10:43:50 GMT

Hi Meliss

What a shocking experience to face. Sounds like you had the support of your co-workers which is good.

I imagine suspension is protocol when it comes to any investigation, something you could look into, esp when it comes to getting paid. How do you feel you're processing it all? Are you surprised my your natural reaction under the circumstances? Kinda like 'Who the heck was that who came out of me in the moment?' Was this out of the blue or did this co-worker show signs beforehand that this was coming - Do you think it was a complete and utter breakdown or does she have a naturally aggressive nature toward everyone? I imagine you're in the process of trying to make sense of it all, including whether to stay.

You've had to tolerate so much over the months. I'm glad you found your fire and stood up to not tolerate such abusive behaviour. It's amazing, the power complete and utter intolerance can give to us at times. Kind of like 'I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE ONE MORE THING LYING DOWN! NOW, I'M UP FOR A FIGHT!!!'

Not sure whether you feel the same way but there is one thing I find incredibly hard to tolerate at times and this not being raised by others. I've found it can become depressing to various degrees. This relates to one of the ways I try to manage staying out of depression: There are times where I am conscious enough, when I'm beginning to vibe low, where I ask myself 'Who is raising me?' I know we're meant to be largely responsible for our own feelings and life but, hey, we're communal creatures for good reason. We're here to raise others and be raised by others. For sure, we can raise our self to higher consciousness/greater awareness, new adventures, states of joy and so on but what happens at times when we can't do this, for some reason? That fire inside of us that occasionally roars fiercely under extraordinary circumstances is there to serve us. It's the same fire that can lead us to say to others 'Get your act together, step in and raise me like you have never done before. I NEED IT DESPERATELY!!! Can't you see I need it?!'. Myself, I've done this before on occasion and have been met with 'How do you want/expect me to do it?' It is reasonable to say that our response may be 'If I knew the answer to that, I would be raising myself, without asking for help. So, use your imagination'.

Who do you know with an incredible imagination and ability to guide and even push you, when it comes to making the difference you need?

🙂

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

Meliss — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 11:50:36 GMT

Thank you so much!! I'm more surprised that someone thought that I would put up with that behaviour.
Like nothing happened.
I knew that from the start we didn't vibe and couldn't understand what her problem with me was. I was polite, civil and had this happen once but it was minor compared to this.

I figured it out eventually.
She was jealous of me. I was her manager and just a little older. The thing that sucks is she was actually good at her job and showed great potential to take the next step but she got in her own way.

Now even worse after everything that's happened I feel sad for her.

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

Meliss — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 11:52:34 GMT

The last thing I ever want is for anyone to lose their job but I just can't tolerate the behaviour or she'll keep doing it.

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

therising — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 20:52:50 GMT

Hi Meliss

You sound like a compassionate person, even under circumstances where many would find it impossible to feel compassion/sadness for someone.

Sounds like you know what her challenge was about. Perhaps she perhaps wasn't fully aware, especially when it came/comes to the intensity of it. After this personal wake up call, she has an opportunity to try and make sense of things now. Hoping she takes this opportunity for personal growth and responsibility.

In a team environment, where there are basic standards for the team to play by, nothing outside of the basic standards should be tolerated. It's not fair on the team and it definitely makes life difficult for whoever is managing the team.

🙂

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

missep123 — Sat, 10 Apr 2021 01:40:53 GMT

Hi Meliss,

I'm so sorry to hear that has happened, that is truly shocking! I agree with therising you sound like a very compassionate and empathetic person. Unfortunately your coworker made the choice to act that way and there are consequences to that.

How have you been feeling about everything?

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

Meliss — Sat, 10 Apr 2021 14:51:44 GMT

I'm angry. I may be compassionate but at the end of the day I just want to work and make money for my family without problems. That means I don't take crap from anyone.

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

therising — Tue, 13 Apr 2021 21:22:10 GMT

Hi Meliss

You deserve to work freely, without other people's drama coming into play. It can definitely be triggering when we put so much effort into managing our own emotions, even when we feel like exploding, but others don't offer us the same thoughtfulness or effort. It feels kind of like the other person saying 'Okay, I'm not going to manage how I feel, what I'm thinking or what I say. What I'm going to do is leave you with the responsibility'.

Had an incident at work just last night where if I had have let my insane crazy woman self do all the talking or should that be screaming, it would have led to me getting the sack. I could feel myself getting so worked up in regard to a brand new staff member triggering me. You know, when someone's triggering you and you can feel your nervous system going into hyperactivity to the point where your face begins to heat up. Managing to channel some healthy inspiration, the words 'DO NOT GO THERE!' kept coming to mind. Meliss, I wanted to go there. I wanted to vent my crazy woman self but I knew if I let this part of me start venting, I would absolutely go to town on this staff member. That's the kind of effort I'm talking about. Why can't others put that much effort into managing themself?

When I got home and had a venting session, over this incident, with my husband. I managed to calm down and ask myself 'What was that challenge really about?' The answer: It was about managing others while managing myself at the same time. To tell you the truth, I was so busy managing my own emotions, in the process I let that other staff member walk all over me. Lesson learned. While trying to keep my crazy woman self under control, I'd blocked out inspiration. If I had have been paying better attention to the words that came to mind things would not have heated up so much. The words were 'Be firm, be direct and do not back down and don't forget to breath throughout the whole process'. Amazing how our breathing pattern changes without us realising when we're worked up to anger/intolerance.

Interesting part of this story...I finally realised I actually knew this woman. It had been about 20 years since I last saw her. Working in aged care, we wear COVID masks which made it hard to recognise her at first but when she used a certain tone of voice I thought 'I know that voice'. I looked at her name tag and thought 'Oh my god, I know you!' She used to trigger me 20 years ago. She's always had a self righteous overbearing nature.

🙂

Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

missep123 — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 05:04:56 GMT

Hi Meliss,

I hear you and that feeling is completely valid. How have you been recently?