topic Depressed about my pretender life in Depression

Depressed about my pretender life

cv02 — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 02:27:21 GMT

I'm 36, wife and two young kids. I have an undergraduate degree, a masters in accounting and am a CPA working for a bankp1. It sounds great on paper but everyday I feel like a pretender to the degree that I have been diagnosed with depression.

I work as a management accountant which does not require any skills whatsoever and now I feel like I know nothing. Like I cant remember anything I've ever learnt and it has gotten to the degree that I'm scared of making mistakes. Even small mistakes where "it's ok to fail because it's just another step of learning". I feel lke I'm worthless. I look at my kids and cry because I feel like they have a worthless father who will get made redundant and will end up as a loser. This unreasonable thought is affecting my life and my work even though nothing has happened yet!! All I know is that I dont want to do it anymore but I dont know what else to do. I have read things like "do what you are passionate about" but I'm not passionate about anything other than my wife and kids. But this won't pay my mortgage or put food on the table. Not sure what to do..

Depressed about my pretender life

White_Rose — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 03:06:02 GMT

Dear cv02

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Depression is really the pits with the way it makes us feel.

Getting through your depression and making life decisions do not really go together. No matter how much you want to make a rational decision the black dog will distract you by barking its head off and jumping all over you, so to speak. Even thinking about a new job or career is exhausting when we are depressed. It takes a lot of energy to make major changes in our lives and I think you are using your energy to get through each day.

I could suggest ways to change or further your career but at this stage I believe you will be better off getting your depression under control. Time to make changes when you are feeling good and are confident about yourself. May I ask who diagnosed your depression? If it was a medical person can you get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist, or maybe you are already getting some help from one of these.

I understand your concern about being unable to support your family and these days it is a very real possibility. Why do you feel you may be redundant? You say anyone could do your job but it sounds like a role you need some expertise in. Often we cannot consciously remember information we have received in the past but when you look at your work I think you will find you carry out your tasks using your knowledge and expertise even when you do not realise it. I hesitate to say automatic pilot but that is often what happens. Like driving a car, our bodies automatically carry out the steps required with very little conscious input from the brain. In other words you are good at your job and do it even though you are worried and the black dog is jumping all over you.

Back to depression and professional help. How do you feel about this? I was very unwell with depression 20 years ago and needed to see the psychiatrist twice a week. He wanted me to go into hospital, which I was not keen on, but in any case I had no medical insurance then so could not afford it. I would not go to a public hospital.

Please get a referral from your GP to see a psychologist or psychiatrist unless this has already happened. Baby steps first. Also please continue to write in here.

Mary

Depressed about my pretender life

cv02 — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 03:31:04 GMT

Hi Mary. 2 years ago I saw my GP a few times who diagnosed me with major depression. I got referred to a psychologist who I saw for about a year. I was also on an SSRI, which I didnt really want to do but did on the instruction of my doctor, and everything quietened down for about a year. I got off the the meds in November last year as I really didnt want to take it. You know - be a fully functioning adult. But now all hell is breaking loose. Who knows corona? I'm going to be the first to admit that I'm not good with change but everything is so high pressure even though I'm at the lowest level. I just dont see a future in my "career". But unfortunately I just dont know what ro do. My self self efficacy is shot to pieces. I just keep thinking "who the hell is going to employ some depressed loser". I just want to do a good job at whatever I do but I cant "see" what that is.

Depressed about my pretender life

cv02 — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 06:59:19 GMT

To all the contributors.

I just want to know what everyone's thoughts are on medication? I personally dont want to take it but I feel that I soon might not have a choice. I've persoanlly been on it before but feel like it only made me feel normal for a while when I was on it but didn't do anything to help myself long term. Like procrastinating before an exam.

I've read up on the statistics and am aware that once means 1 year..twice means 2 years three times means forever. The thought of being on medication forever scares the crap out of me. How does everyone else with depression cope????

Depressed about my pretender life

White_Rose — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 18:54:58 GMT

Hello cv02

I have never been keen on meds and the thought of taking antidepressant for the rest of my life was not good. I took various SSRI meds for many years. They simply did not suit me and produced some nasty side effects. After a clash with another medication prescribed after my breast cancer/radiation treatment I was so depressed that I was not in a safe place. This was some years ago.

My GP suggest I try a different group of ADs. The original group of ADs got a bad press as it was widely prescribed in large doses. However medical think has changed. This first group is called Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCA) and is still in use. I having been taking one of the medications from this group for several years and found it helpful.

AD do not cure depression. They create an environment that allows you to manage your life and where you can more easily work on improving your mental health. For me this was almost a miracle drug as it kept me calm but not feeling doped up. I feel calm and in control of my life. Do I want to take any meds? Not at all but I do recognise their role in my mental health and I have become accustomed to taking them.

I was very anti-drugs as I thought it showed how weak I was. Eventually I realised I take other meds for different reasons such as infections and pain. What is the difference? In reality there is no a difference. We take meds to cure us or to control a medical condition. Type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure are good and common examples. The prescribed meds help us to manage those conditions which could spiral out of control and could lead to death. I find it helps me to think along that path. And lets face it, you do not usually discuss your medication routine with others.

Taking AD does not automatically mean you will take them for the rest of your life. Everyone is different and their needs are different. You can stop taking your meds, under medical supervision, when you are managing your depression. It may be that you will cycle in and out of depression as does a friend of mine. When this happens she returns to her AD, works through the current situation and stops taking them.

May I suggest you work through your depression with the help of antidepressant meds and when you come out the other side you can review this with your doctor.

Mary

Depressed about my pretender life

cv02 — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 21:30:55 GMT

Thank you for your honest answer. I sincerely appreciate the thought and sentiment that you have written. I was eagerly awaiting a response from someone, anyone on what thier thoughts were as life seems very alone without the understanding and empathy of others. I have spoken to my wife, my work, my parents screaming/pleading for help but the typical response I get is "you have to look forward to the future" or "think positive" or "be grateful". If only it were as easy. I don't know why but the weight of life seems extremely heavy for me even though I seem to have it "perfect". I feel as though it will come crashing down on the next step I take, whatever it may be. I know in my head that all I can do is to take one step at a time, as imperfect it may be, but the feeling of fear and dread is starting to take over to I am paralysed into stillness.

I have read a few of your other posts and have come to realise that you are also battling serious illness while also dealing with depression. I am truly sorry for the situatuon that you have been placed in. It actually makes me feel bad that I can't deal with my problems. So again, thank you for your answer. Hopefully I will be able to take one more step for today.

Depressed about my pretender life

cv02 — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 03:32:52 GMT

Anyone please help me please. I dont know what to do with my life. I the longer that I think that I have another 30 years of doing what I dont want to do makes me so weak. I have not harmed myself or am about to do anything drastic but i am feeling so lost and tired. I just want to have a job that trains me from scratch and be good at what I do but who the heck is going to hire a depressed loser?! What do I need to do to get through this?? I want the strength to go on but even then what the heck am I going to do? Someone tell me please..

Depressed about my pretender life

Sophie_M — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 03:48:58 GMT

Hey cv02,

Thank you so much for keeping the community updated on how you're going. We are so sorry to hear that you're feeling lost and tired. It sounds like these feelings are really overwhelming right now, and we are so sorry to hear that you're in such a tough space. Please know that you don't have to do this alone, and support is always available to you.

We'd urge you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available anytime on 1300 22 4636 or you can also get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and offer support, advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time.

In addition to this, our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there to help you during your most overwhelming moments. Please do feel free to reach out to them if things are feeling like too much to cope with. We're all here to help you through this.

Please keep checking in with us and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

Depressed about my pretender life

tranzcrybe — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 04:16:19 GMT

Hi cv02,

Thanks for connecting to the bb community. White Rose has provided some good advice on meds, but I would like to address your employment issues and the impact on your state of mind...

"...does not require any skills whatsoever and now I feel like I know nothing. Like I cant remember anything I've ever learnt and it has gotten to the degree that I'm scared of making mistakes".

I ask myself that every time I drive a car - I just jump in and go, without a second thought. I hear that you find everything in your work rather routine to the point of complacency (?), but you may only be thinking that because it is ingrained in your psyche.

I would suggest taking a 'refresher course' (I think the banks pay for that?) to discover all the things you do know, and boost/restore your self confidence once again.

"All I know is that I don't want to do it anymore"

If this is closer to your heart, perhaps you could seek a different portfolio within the bank (even for a short term), or anything for a change of scenery.

"...but I dont know what else to do"

Failing any of these things, you are a CPA (still registered?), so you might feel brave and inspired to go freelance - scary, full of risk, but it may be the spark you seek to reinvigorate your sense of self worth (which, by the way, I think you underestimate).

"...but I'm not passionate about anything other than my wife and kids"

Putting food on the table is a good way to show your priorities are in order.

I hope this gives you something to consider.

Regards,

Depressed about my pretender life

cv02 — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 04:43:41 GMT

Thanks. I've calmed down a bit but losing control is something I feel happening more often. I think overwhelmed is a good word for it even though there is nothing at my work that is overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed when my mind drifts into the future which seems to be all the time nowadays.I KNOW I need to take it one day at a time. I KNOW that life has a was of working itself out. But for some reason my mind just doesnt believe it even though I KNOW it.

My position is junior, like lowest of low, but in the management accounting field. I feel like I havent learnt any transferreable skills I can take elsewhere. It is highly likely the case that I'm on autopilot and am scared of change. Like an old dog. I honestly dont know what else I can do though. I think that's why I'm tired all the time but keep waking up early and cant get to sleep anymore.

Anyways. I have a psychologist appointment on thursday, and have just decided to take meds again. It was on the doctors instruction but he was ok for me not to take it if I was still ok. I'm obviously not ok so I guess down it goes. I wish all that it took was for me to be a good person and things will work out.

Depressed about my pretender life

White_Rose — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 19:21:46 GMT

Hello Cv02

Thanks for your post. I do know that overwhelmed feeling. Most unpleasant. Technically I am no longer depressed though I still take AD meds. They help me when I get a bit anxious. Thanks for acknowledging my other medical condition. However it makes no difference what I cope with. We are different people and manage our various complaints differently.

Just in case my comments sound a bit patronizing let me explain. We see/hear/feel our different experiences in life just as we respond differently to scenic view or a picture etc. It does not mean we do not care about something or get thoroughly involved with it. At the time we have some sort of reaction which may change over time. Our general background life also impacts on our perceptions. I have spent many years coping with depression and, as they say, lived to tell the tale.

It was not easy and I cried so often I was thinking of taking shares in Kleenex. Gradually I got well and can look back on those days with a smile because I have learned how to cope. Like you I had a friend whose constant comment was "Think of the positives". Not helpful. To help you explain what is happening for you I suggest you read the information sheets on this website. Look under The Facts and Get Support at the top of the page. Download anything helpful. You cannot download the booklets but BB will send them to you on request, no charge.

I think it would be helpful to give your family & friends copies of some of these publications. BB is a respected organisation which means their publications are correct. It is hard for those who have not experienced depression or any other mental illness to have any idea of the reality of your pain, lack of motivation and self confidence. It's hard to see someone who was competent and a loving father and husband and the rock of the family fall apart. Instead you walk around with a black cloud hovering around you which no one can penetrate. Give your close family and friends copies of these fact sheet and perhaps walk them through what is happening once they have read the information. It always helps when the other person has some idea of how you feel.

Can you return to the psychologist? It will probably be helpful. Coping on your own may show you are a strong person but for me the strong person gets help when they need it. Chat to the Suicide Call Back Service. They are very good at their job.

Mary

Depressed about my pretender life

cv02 — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 02:19:22 GMT

Hi,

Me again. Not sure if anyone cares if I give an update but I'll provide one anyways. I saw a psychologist who recommended I see her again soon. She was honestly not helpful though so I made a booking with my old psychologist who i thought was helpful the last time I was depressed. I'm back on the medication again which I really hope will help but even after a week I still have the feeling of impending doom in both my mind and body.

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum to post it in but I'm pretty sure that my problem is that I'm scared of change and my mind takes me to dark futures everytime I think change will occur. I know this is irrational but apparently my mind would rather be depressed, and take me into dark places, than change. Isnt that stupid? Anyways - aside from meds. How do people cope with change? Apparently I cant even cope with changing my job because I feel that I will be inadequate. How do I deal with this? How do other people deal with this?

Depressed about my pretender life

tranzcrybe — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 03:31:37 GMT

Hi cv02,

Still monitoring your progress - you can update anytime for some feedback.

Change can be daunting for most people - mine, presently, is the fear of moving house: even though I have done it before, the process seems more daunting and something I would rather avoid - I guess I've just become too comfortable where I am.

I find it best to focus on the steps rather than the destination, each being manageable and necessary to accomplish the task. In your case, it might be retraining/upskill; and from there your services will be in demand; new job; new focus; new faces...

Just like in our diets, it is good to try new things to freshen the palette. If you are feeling washed out with your job, then stepping out may have added benefits to your wellbeing.

Regards,