topic Disconnected in Depression

Disconnected

Jaqui — Sat, 24 Oct 2020 10:32:03 GMT

i recently decided to get help with my depression. As soon as I start feeling I am making progress I slipped back further.

people make me lose myself. I have nearly completely disconnected from my husband. Being near him makes me worse and I slip further into my depression.

i have stopped functioning properly and find myself deliberately getting drunk so I crash and don’t have to interact!

i have started seeing a physiologist but my last session was reading a pamphlet out loud!

sigh! Anyone struggling with people??

Disconnected

geoff — Sat, 24 Oct 2020 18:07:15 GMT

Hello Jacqui, and can we welcome you here to the forums.

With depression, it's easy for us to achieve a small progress and then suddenly something may happen which we might not be prepared for, so we fall backwards, especially if you feel 'disconnected from your husband'.

It might be an event, an occasion or what he has done that causes this, where frustration, annoyance or a feeling of a loss out of control, and all of these maybe what you are able to cope with normally, but not when you have depression.

I'm not a doctor and only say this from my own experience.

Using alcohol to self medicate is what I also used, to protect me from the endless triggers I might have had to encounter and it kept me away from anyone trying to help me from the stress I was under, unfortunately, it was only temporary.

If this pamphlet is material you can relate to or coincide to how you are actually feeling may or may not benefit you, but if you'd like to discuss with us whether or not it's beneficial that would be great.

I'm interested to know if it contains alcohol use.

Take care.

Geoff.

Disconnected

therising — Sat, 24 Oct 2020 20:47:26 GMT

Hi Jaqui

You sound like a very sensitive person, in fact sensitive enough to feel when people are bringing you down.

You mention 'People make me lose myself'. If you don't mind, I'd like to slip a word in there - People make me lose my natural self. If this is the case, who are you, naturally? What abilities does your natural self possess? Can't help but wonder, is your natural self

a seeker of excitement but people tend to bring you down instead, to inactivity or boredom?
a seeker of answers? Do you wonder a fair bit until others insist 'Stop asking so many questions!'?
super sensitive? Do folk insist you should 'Toughen up', become more insensitive?
able to feel physical emotion very easily?
desperate for difference when everyone else is content with sameness?

I could go on but who we are naturally can involve a super long list.

I can easily imagine, in that last session with your physiologist, you wondering 'Why the heck I am doing nothing other than reading this pamphlet?'. Good question. I've found it's one thing to keep our wonder to our self, it's quite another to wonder out loud. Wondering out loud at someone will either trigger them to give us an answer or it will trigger them to defensiveness. From my experience, the easiest way to wonder out loud involves not thinking (our way out of it). While it takes practice, in order to naturally override low self-esteem, it's always important to be conscious of the need for a filter at times. Eg: While inspiration may say 'Wonder at that person. Seek the answer', I wouldn't wonder at my boss 'Why are you being so insensitive?' if I want to keep my job. Yes, a filter is important at times.

I'm a gal who's depression involved a significant amount of alcohol, during those challenging years. Looking back, I understand why I drank. 'Numb' was better than feeling sad, angry, full of self hate, disappointment etc. I was suppressing my intolerance toward others and my self, the self I didn't want to be. I could barely tolerate that self. Mixing the chemistry of booze with our natural chemistry does create depressing chemistry, something to keep in mind.

From experience, I've come to understand the 'relapses'. Everything can be fine until a challenge crops up. There's nothing like a mind altering life changing challenge to throw a spanner in the works. On the up side, in rising to meet that challenge, the revelations that come through it can alter our life and our mind (raise our consciousness) for the better.

🙂

Disconnected

yggdrasil — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 07:51:12 GMT

Thanks so much for letting us know about your struggle Jaqui and for reaching out. I often hear the phrase "two steps forward, one step back" applied to different aspects of life. For me, coping with depression is more like 10 steps forward 9 steps back. I try lots and lots of different strategies. It's haphazard and progress feels random. But over the long run things slowly get better. For me progress hasn't meant being "cured" entirely. It's more the lows get much less frequent, and less intense. And you still face new challenges that test your coping mechanisms. That's what the COVID has done for me. Exercise is a super important strategy for me. I also had problems with alcohol as a teenager, but you can get past it with time and care. I also struggle with other people at times. Feeling distant and isolated, or angry and frustrated towards them. I'm glad you're seeing a psych and I hope it goes well for you 🙂

Disconnected

Jaqui — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 08:27:52 GMT

Thank you