topic angry, sad and confused person in Depression

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Wed, 21 Aug 2019 04:18:45 GMT

Hi, I am a single Mum who is not coping with a lot of things. I am angry all the time and I don't know why, but then I don't want to be around people at all, I get sad and I have a lot of regret from when I was 19 and made a decision that has wrecked me. I am also confused about my feelings toward a friend.

I am seeing a psychologist but I find it hard to talk about things in person and I am apparently afraid of my emotions and don't let them out.

Thank you

angry, sad and confused person

geoff — Wed, 21 Aug 2019 17:35:37 GMT

Hello Bear, and a warm welcome to the forums and sorry this reply has been a little late.

I am so sorry for what you have had to encounter in the past and for how you are feeling now.

If you don't feel comfortable talking with this psychologist then maybe you could try another one, your 'mental health plan' (if you have one) can be transferred over.

Another suggestion is to write down exactly what has happened, now and from the past, on a piece of paper, then you can hand this over to your psych, and if you like write down that you're uncomfortable discussing certain issues, then they will approach the topic with great care.

Please try not to be afraid of showing your emotions, that's how you feel and that's the pain you are hiding, I'm a big man and my psychologist was half my size, but I cried to her on countless occasions, too many to remember.

Maybe having a female psychologist could reduce this fear, and please remember that this is holding your recovery, there is no shame in showing your emotion.

Take care and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Fri, 23 Aug 2019 05:39:28 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your kind words, I do like my psychologist she is lovely it is just a very slow process. Which I am told is better if you go slow. I have always struggled with talking to people about things I have also never really had anyone that I trusted either. I know that I am not going to ever fully recover unless I let it out, it's just that I have been bottling it for so long that I find it very difficult to let out. I quite often feel like crying but just can't. I have no real close functioning relationships with anyone, I have been thinking about this and I have come to realise that since I was a kid I have been sabotaging all relationships whether it be friends or otherwise. Now to top that off instead of sabotaging a friendship I am reading more into it than is there. For one I am not gay and yet I am fantasising about this friend and she is married also. So you can see why I am confused,

Thank you and I hope that you are doing ok now.

angry, sad and confused person

geoff — Fri, 23 Aug 2019 16:02:23 GMT

Hi Bear, thanks for getting back to us.

If I can explain this with an example, if you visit a tourist area and drive down a road that has many attractions to look at, on both sides of the road and you speed down the road, then you are going to miss the opportunity of knowing what you are missing out on.

So if I can relate this to your counselling, if you take it too fast then you will miss important issues that you want to talk about, so take it slow, then other issues hiding behind the trees will emerge.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Sun, 01 Sep 2019 08:05:43 GMT

Hi Geoff, Sorry it has taken a while to answer, life gets busy. I understand completely on what your saying and my therapist has explained the exact same thing. I do understand I do, it's just not easy when your feeling like shit basically all of the time. The worst of it is that it doesn't just affect me it also affects my daughter as I get angry all the time at the drop of a hat and not necessarily over something major. Once I get angry I let loose and then I feel guilty and sad because this is not how I want to be with my daughter. I am struggling every day with keeping my anger, sadness, confusion and guilt in check. I seem unable to keep it under control with my daughter and I am finding it harder and harder to keep in check in other areas of my life also. Including with my parents, co workers and friends. I don't understand my feelings as in reality my life has not been as bad as it has for others. I know that I have had some horrible times but they are really minor compared to what other people are or have gone through. Also at the end of the day everything that I have experienced has been the direct fault of mine only, no one else has forced me to do any of it on reflection I have been on this self destruct path for quite some time. This is not the first time I have come to this realisation and it is also not the first time that I have also realised that I am doing this on my own as everyone around me is either to busy to get involved or only get involved when they feel like it and I don't talk about anything to any of them as they are not really interested anyway.

Anyway sorry for the babble, I hope that all is well with you and I hope to hear from you soon.

Bear

angry, sad and confused person

geoff — Sun, 01 Sep 2019 16:59:39 GMT

Hello Bear, remember you're not well, so it's not your fault, at the moment, imagine yourself caught up in a balloon, trying to punch yourself free, but when you punch the balloon nothing happens, it only comes back to you, that's why it's a struggle.

Take this time to gather your thoughts and try to make small changes, because if you make enormous ones, then it will all be too much.

Take care.

Geoff.

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Fri, 06 Sep 2019 04:35:40 GMT

So I get the whole balloon thing, and I know I am sick right. But how do you ever truly move forward and deal with things. Cause like I know what I need to do and I am doing these things and I have been here before on several occasions but I keep coming back to here, which is shit and I feel like I am a nutcase. I just don't get how you can truly move past everything and move into the future with a clear head or even somewhat clear head. I mean I keep putting one foot after the other but I keep stuffing up and I keep feeling like my head is going to explode and like I am going around in circles. I want to be a good friend and I want to talk to friends openly and freely, hell I would even like to talk to my therapist openly and freely. I get all geared up to do this and then I get there and I clam up and I can barely put two words together or I go to support someone and end up sitting on my own looking like an idiot because I can't possibly make myself walk in there and be there for that friend. I almost feel like I don't want to be here, because it all seems a bit too hard and I can't get past any of it. The only time I can talk semi freely is when I am drunk and I can't get around drunk every time I feel like talking about something and then I just end up feeling embarrassed and ashamed anyway cause I am like a broken record who cant move forward no matter what I do. I even find myself looking at other peoples posts in here and wanting to say something and maybe help but don't because what do I know.

Then I have this one friend who seems to genuinely care and seems to want to help no matter what she finds out about me and instead of feeling comforted, relieved or anything good, I am worried because I keep fantasising about kissing her and cuddling her and this is just shit cause she is married and even if she wasn't she probably doesn't see me that way. Hell I don't even consider myself to be gay but I keep having these fantasies.

angry, sad and confused person

geoff — Fri, 06 Sep 2019 16:20:21 GMT

Hi Bear, when I was having counselling, there were many troublesome fears, worries and plenty of annoyance that I couldn't work through or even solve, no matter how hard I tried, so there was no way I could get out of the balloon or slow my car down and realised that these problems were unsolvable and exhausting me too much.

I had to forget about them, so I bagged them all up, figuratively speaking, and that takes a bit of strength, and then turn a complete circle, by this I mean, do what I thought I'd never do.

To get better you have to change from what you have been doing, otherwise, you're still struggling to overcome the present problems, because they are just as likely to reoccur and get you having the trouble you first began with.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Sat, 07 Sep 2019 11:32:10 GMT

Thank you Geoff

angry, sad and confused person

White_Rose — Sat, 07 Sep 2019 12:16:00 GMT

Hello Bear and a wave to Geoff.

Welcome to the forum. I think you wrote to me on another thread. Thank you for telling us your story. I am presuming you are depressed and your therapist is helping you with this.

Being angry so often is understandable. You have many regrets about your life and these memories keep popping up. Not a comfortable way to live especially when all you want is to forget them. Your psychologist can probably help you when you can bring yourself to talk about them. Geoff has suggested writing down these thoughts and memories which is a great way to go. He has also suggested you write a note to say how difficult it is to even think about these things let alone talk about them. Ask her to go slowly with you.

Sometimes we need to take a deep breath and dive in. The water will no doubt feel cold and scary but you will adjust with the help of the psych. Like you I get these flashbacks and all I want to do is scream out my anger and hurt. Fortunately I live alone. It is upsetting to have these feelings and it's easy to dwell on them. Not that you want to do this but they are so insistent and it is so hard to drag your thoughts in another direction. Perhaps you can add this to the list of feelings for your psych.

When you talk to your psych and want to cry please do so. Do not try to force any tears. This will happen when you are ready. It takes time to be finally able to grieve about your past hurts and mistakes. Please do not blame yourself about the things you feel were a great mistake. No doubt this is true but you are not alone in this. We all have regrets and have learned, to varying degrees, to forgive ourselves. No doubt it all seemed reasonable at the time.

Healing is a slow process especially if you do not want to keep going back over it again. I like Geoff's analogy of driving down the road and missing the best views because we want to get to the end quickly. When I first saw a psychiatrist I asked him how long I needed to see him, expecting the answer to be perhaps six months. He said about two years but in retrospect I think he realised I may run away if he gave a longer estimate. In the end I stayed for eight years. I remember how horrified I was at the thought of two years.

I hope you will continue to post in here.

Mary

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Sun, 08 Sep 2019 12:13:49 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your comforting insight, yourself and Geoff have been very kind. I haven't written on any other threads as I find myself holding off from doing this. Not because I don't want to help but because I don't feel that I have anything to give when I can't sort my own stuff.

Everything that yourself and Geoff have said thus far makes perfect sense and is reasonable. My therapist is saying the same kind of things. I want to do all of these things and I want to move forward but the more I try to dig into it the more I feel as though I am spiralling out of control. The sadness and wallowing in self pity seems to take over any desire to move forward.

I think I have been holding onto everything from a very young age, I got so used to no one being around that I just got very good at bottling it up and putting on a front that I don't know if I am even capable of letting it out. I certainly don't cry about anything, I get teary but again I have gotten so good at sucking it up that that never happens.

I feel a bit like an old broken record, can never quite make it to the end. I have been going around in circles like this for at least 25+ years and there are plenty of people who say, hey we are here for you and if you ever need to talk but I have never felt like I could just rock up at their houses in those times when I felt like I was really going to explode and say hey I need you. You know 21 years ago I made the decision to have a procedure done for a few different reasons. I went through with it and on the day I had the procedure and I went home and laid around the house with my cousin, and the next day it was back to work, back to life as if it never happened.

There is never a right time, you know, I have a daughter, my friends have children, husbands and all that stuff going on and even when I want to talk or think hey this is coming out life always offers up a road block for that to not happen. Like the other day I had way too many drinks but I felt like I could let it out and talk to my friend but we both have children and I never talked or let it out because the children were there.

I'm sorry I am rambling a bit.

Take care both of you.

Mel

angry, sad and confused person

White_Rose — Sun, 08 Sep 2019 13:41:10 GMT

Hello Mel

Thanks for your reply. Letting go of all the 'stuff' is hard. Don't expect it to happen all in one go. I think this would be completely overwhelming. Start with the small things and allow yourself to talk about them. If you become emotional it's OK but do not worry if it appears not to affect you. Your thoughts and feelings have made a nice little hidey hole so coaxing them out may take a little while.

Talking to someone can take a bit of organising, especially with children around. Why not start with asking your friend to drop round while the children are at school? It would at least make the conversation private.

I will write more later as I am very tired atm. Look after yourself.

Mary

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 11:28:49 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thank you I appreciate all of your input especially when you are tired. Unfortunately organising a get together with my friend when the kids are at school is not possible as we both work and we are both single parents. It is all good, I know that I probably need to talk to my therapist more than anything. My friend also has enough of her own stuff going on anyway.

It is all a bit frustrating even though I know I will get there in the end. Today was a reasonable kind of day, however I can't do days like today all the time. You see I took the day off work and had some alone time with no distractions, unfortunately I can't have time off all the time to do this. It kind of bit me on the butt also, as I ended up having to go out and finish the day for my relief person as they didn't have a very good day.

Anyway it seemed like a good idea at the time. I was also accused of hacking my aunties facebook account and she was even talking about going to the police which would not of ended well for me. I wasn't hacking her account and I fixed up her problem but that was a bit of a rush. I can't have any issues with the law or I will lose my job.

Anyhow I hope that you have caught up on some rest and take care.

Mel

angry, sad and confused person

White_Rose — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 21:55:51 GMT

Hello Mel

Sorry not to reply earlier. Thank you, I am less tired. Must make a mental note to post in the daytime instead of evening.

I can appreciate how it feels to have everything bottled up for so many years and now you have the opportunity to let it out it becomes too hard. I've been there and there are still things I cannot speak about except to a very few people. As I said above, write some of these events down. Start with the least painful and give a short list to your psych. I made an appointment with my psych not long ago because I was having a bad time. She kept asking about my parents and family until nearly the end of the consultation when she said time was nearly up and what had I come about. I was so cross. When I next see her I will tell her I went last time because I was upset and had specific things to talk about but kept being put off. Can't spend that time and money discussing something I feel is irrelevant, especially when I had some very distressing stuff to deal with. Won't make that mistake twice.

It was my second appointment with her so I will presume she had not noticed and wanted more background. Still not good enough.

Whoops. Talking about my difficulties. I wanted you to know I have some understanding of where you are. Not the same but similar emotions.

Did your aunty ask you to fix up her FB? Probably not the best thing to do without her knowledge. Do you do this sort of thing often? Step in to help people I mean. Probably best to wait until you are asked.

Taking time off work can be a good idea. It gives you time to let all the irritating stuff out of your mind. When weather permits I like to sit outside on the patio. I take my CD player, coffee and a book with the intention of meditating then reading. Most of the time I end up doing none of this. I simply look at the garden, enjoying the plants and birds. Slowly the peace envelopes me and even the few traffic noises fade until I am at peace. I make no effort to push thoughts away, just let them drift away. For me these are such valuable times. I feel refreshed and at peace. Too cold lately to do this.

I feel I have talked about myself and not helped you. However it sometimes helps to know how others cope.

Mary

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 22:15:21 GMT

Hi Mary,

I am sorry that you are also struggling and I hope that you can overcome these issues. You seem to me as though you are a very strong and capable person. As for my aunty she had asked me to set up a facebook account for her which is what I did and then she rang my mum yesterday and accused me of hacking her account, which I did not do especially since she had someone else change her password for her so I was unable to get into her account anyway. I am certainly not that tech savvy that I know how to get in without knowing the password.

Anyway all it was, was that she was putting the password in wrong and I went up there to sort it out and had it fixed in 2seconds. Don't worry I won't be doing anything more with her stuff as I don't like being accused of something I didn't and would never do. I also don't like the fact that she upset my mum. And yes I am quite often helping people with their technical issues and other stuff, mostly my family as they are all older and not as tech savvy. I am limited as to what I can do but I do what I can when they ask me to.

Thank you for the advice on writing things down, I am slowly doing this. It does however seem like a very big list already, but that's ok. I hope that on your next visit to the psych you can discuss what you are wanting to. On the topic of sitting outside I have been doing similar things of late by going out and watering my Grandmas garden and then just sitting there afterwards not really thinking or doing anything just sitting. It does clear the mind and is rather relaxing.

Don't feel as though you haven't helped, you have it does help to hear that someone else is in the same place as me and you are working through it.

Take care.

Mel

angry, sad and confused person

White_Rose — Tue, 10 Sep 2019 21:41:58 GMT

Hello Mel

Thanks for your reply. I hope you are now feeling OK and that the stress has eased a little. I must remember to call you in to fix my computer problems. There are times when I feel like throwing the whole thing out of the window. Cannot do that. It would cost too much to replace the window. Actually I manage quite well but since the advent of NBN I have problems with my phone. So annoying.

It's a bit of a shock, I have found, to list all my difficulties. Now you have identified some perhaps you can concentrate on a few and write about these. If another difficulty comes up you can add it to the overall list. Always good to run these things past the psychologist. It gives some focus to the therapy and helps to feel difficulties are being addressed.

I have also felt I have dealt with a problem only to find it returning. So frustrating. I see your psych believes you are afraid of your emotions and letting them out. Join the club. It's a no-brainer to know we enjoy being happy and being sad or angry is not our preferred feeling. Unfortunately we do need to explore this area of our lives and put it to rest. The question of course is, when is enough, enough?

When these situations happen in my life I try to look at them and tell myself I have been there and worked through it. I can do it again if necessary. It seems to me that this recurrence is more a symptom of another difficulty. When we feel unworthy in some way or sad about something it's easy to point to a past problem as the cause of our present distress and to believe that settling this will put everything right again. The problem is we have settled the problem several times. It's our pesky brains that tell us we need to go back and start again.

It seems to me we can be forever on a feedback loop instead of looking for a deeper and probably more broader cause. For example we can remember how we managed, or not, our interactions with several people and how they always go wrong. Maybe we need to recognise these all stem from low self esteem. Admitting that can be confronting so we hide under the somewhat lesser problems. Then we beat ourselves up for not managing these problems properly and go through the whole thing again.

Just a thought.

Mary

angry, sad and confused person

bear41 — Wed, 11 Sep 2019 04:23:56 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your reply, all of that makes sense and I quite often wonder all of these things. I do feel as though I have calmed a little until this morning at least. I am still feeling ok, just a bit jittery and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, I have put this down to the fact that I am currently trying to change my medication as I don't feel like it is helping me a lot at this point. I know that medication is all too often only part of the cure but I just need it to work for now so that I can perhaps think more clearly and shush the battle in my head. If that makes sense.

So I know that it is my choice to change the medication and by making this choice I have to come off of it slowly before I can go on another type. It scares me to think what the next few weeks are going to be like but I need something that works.

At the moment though even with the medication change I do feel a little more positive and I don't feel as sad, I am a bit nervous at the moment but that seems to happen every Wednesday when I take my daughter to tutoring and I am pretty sure that I know why I feel this way. This is completely off the topic of everything else but I am having feelings and thoughts that scare me half to death for my daughters tutor, who is also my friend and who has been absolutely lovely to me even though I have been a lot off lately. Something like this wouldn't normally make me nervous except for a couple of things which are that one, this person is married, two, this person is of the same sex, three, I have never thought of myself as gay but these feelings and thoughts seem pretty strong and persistent at this point.

I know this is probably not a topic for this thread but I am not sure whether I am gay and only just realising this or whether I am just plain going crazy and confused in this department. Apparently a lot of people around me have wondered whether I am gay or not. I have always flat out said no, but I am seriously questioning this.

I will be touching on all of the things that you have mentioned in your message and what I have just brought up with my psychologist, or at least I am going to try. I have been doing my job the last couple of days giving myself a pep talk on the fact that I need to push myself to talk about these issues with my psychologist otherwise what is the point, right?

Thank you again and take care of yourself

Mel