topic Before. in Depression

Before.

IPlay — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 18:16:01 GMT

Hilarious. Puntastic even. Energetic and fun to be round. Moving and dancing in the living room for as long as was needed just to get a rise out of someone.

Back then, I didn’t realise how happy I was. I’m different now though and I wish I could go back. Hindsight is a real bitch. That comparison just gets to me, ‘how the hell did I go from that to this?’, I ask. I am way better than I have been in the last four years and even so, I am a fraction of the person I once was. Is this as good as it gets for me now or am I taking the first steps on the road leading to my old self, the real me? Maybe that was the fake me before and this is the real me now?

Describing the difference between then and now is difficult. I can do all the things I once did, it’s just … empty, fake, viewed from elsewhere; meaningless actions, moods and behaviours. Now anything I do is not done for its own pleasure but rather to distract from my own thoughts.

What if the worst is yet to come?

Before.

therising — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 20:22:50 GMT

Hi IPlay

I do believe we begin life as our most natural self (if we are fortunate). You know that fun loving, energetic adventure seeker who doesn't look to the mirror to know who we really are. Instead, we look to our love of life to truly reflect our natural energetic self. How often we used to ask 'Why?', all those years ago. How we questioned everything worth questioning.

I believe, we can turn again to who we loved so much, that self. Myself, it's taken years to return and a significant amount of lessons and incredible challenges. With 15 years in depression and another 14 in my efforts to find clarity, I can say that every step has been worth finally getting here. Boy, do I question a lot now that I'm here. It's such a shame we're taught to 'Stop questioning everything!'

Some key questions that help keep me in a healthy balance between being grounded and on a natural high:

Who around me is behaving oppressively?
Who helps me raise my consciousness when I'm in need of answers to certain questions?
Who wonders with me? I absolutely love wondering about so many things and enjoy sharing wonderful conversations, ones that typically lead to 'Wow' moments
Who helps me manage my way through difficult challenges when I need some motivation, clarity or direction?
Who wants to evolve with me?

While the list goes on, that last one on the list here really is a biggy. Imagine we all weren't facing the challenges of self-isolation and we were all back to the way things were before hand. If you were to look around, would you find a lot of people stuck in sameness/routine?

With you mentioning your inspiring motivating dances around the lounge room (which I absolutely love), I am left to wonder how exhausting it felt to be the one who raises people. Some more questions:

Why don't others have the energy or enthusiasm?
Why don't others care to be inspired? Are their minds closed for some reason, maybe out of fear?
How many people consciously raise each other?

So much questioning has led me to the realisation - I have always wanted to evolve (even through my depression), while folk around me weren't so passionate when it comes to change and self-questioning (in a constructive way). I now have my key 'go to' people who are a part of my 'rising team'. We do it for each other. Finding team members can definitely be a challenge. Such people help us return.

It can feel soul destroying when we find our self to be the only one on life's playground who wants to play.

🙂

Before.

geoff — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 22:16:37 GMT

Hello IPlay, welcome and what you have asked us is a question that involves 'in hindsight' and how many times do we wonder about would have happened if we did what we hoped for, then everything maybe different.

We may not take into account that our situation or the circumstances we now live in are completely different because we've been on the learning curve, our aspects in life change as does the principles we believe in.

Our perspective in life changes, but it seems as though your focus on life may have changed and it would be interesting to find out why, so if you want to get back to us, we'd love to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Before.

IPlay — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 12:45:55 GMT

Part 1:

One thing that has changed regarding ‘getting a rise out of people’ is back then I use to live with more people around me in the same house, including my wife. There was always someone I could get a cheeky smile out of. Someone I felt comfortable showing off to. Reactions. Now, just my wife and I. It is hard to get anything from her, so I hardly try anymore. My energy goes into loving our doggo. Dogs are less complicated, aren’t they? You give love, you get love. When I get home from work, I can count on two things, licks to the face and a glancing, ‘Hey’. I have told my wife that it is very unsanitary and a little bit weird to be greeted like that but more importantly, we should be uploading our talking dog to YouTube to make some good money.

This is were it begins to get complicated. My wife has every right to be distant to me because in the recent past I have been bottled up with my own downward spiral and I did not realise how distant I was. I was in depression denial. Her attempts to help me were met with my own anger or frustration. Though I do believe (as she has also said) that often her approach could have been better.

It is hard to put timelines on these things. I am very skeptical in painting over the last four years with a thick coat of ‘depression’ or saying that I was distant to my wife the last four years. We all know there are good days and bad days. I still loved her even though I was so heavily wrapped in my own cocoon that it would have often been hard to see it from the outside. Back then during my most depressed time, we still showed affection, slept in the same bed, had sex, and said ‘I love you’. Now, there is none of that except my love which sometimes has a bitter taste. If she does still love me, then I know there is a bitterness to hers as well. Understandably.

I feel indebted to her as she stuck by me but as I slowly become able to repay that debt, she is not accepting my repayments of love. The anxiety covered love which she offered me then, but I rejected. Rejection for rejection. Instead she is taking repayments in the currency of suffering, with interest. I must suffer now, what she suffered then, plus interest in the forms she sees fit such as no ‘I love you’, no touching, separate beds, no sex. The interest is what hurts the most, as with any repayment plan but what gives me hope is that one day the debt will be paid. Balance restored. But what if it does not work like that?

Before.

IPlay — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 12:47:50 GMT

Part 2:

@therising, these may be rhetorical, but I believe questions should be answered and reviewed and answered again (rinse repeat – bit of a scientific method in repeatability)

Who around me is behaving oppressively?
Myself, my wife (but this is part of the debt repayments as explained above) and probably someone at work – maybe not so much oppressive as a difference in approach.
We could add a measurement for ‘How oppressive is each person being?’. Also, I am keen to hear what you mean by ‘oppressive’, with examples just for clarification.
Who helps me raise my consciousness when I'm in need of answers to certain questions?
Google
Who wonders with me? I absolutely love wondering about so many things and enjoy sharing wonderful conversations, ones that typically lead to 'Wow' moments
No one
Who helps me manage my way through difficult challenges when I need some motivation, clarity or direction?
Beyond Blue and myself
Who wants to evolve with me?
No one

Before.

IPlay — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 12:49:08 GMT

Part 3:

@geoff – My perspective in life has changed a great deal over the last eight years. I blame my education! I went to Uni to learn about humans and the world we live in. Big mistake haha. Ignorance is bliss. Should have taken the blue pill.

I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.
- Cypher

I studied Social Science and am now doing a PhD in Anthropology (this is tuff and contributed greatly to the formation of my ongoing depression) as part of an experiential report I am sending back to my home planet. I have always been passionate about learning all I can about humans. There is much we can learn about ourselves through studying them.

The veneer of dreams in higher education crumbles each passing year. Maybe five people will read your thesis then you spend the rest of your time marketing and selling your research. Why? What is your research even saying? How can it be used for good (or at all)? Someone else is probably doing it better as we speak. Don’t forget, you have to make a living as well. Turns out you’d actually rather just make a decent living but you’ve already spent eight years studying. Wish you just stayed in your dead-end job that paid alright instead of going in and out of part-time jobs. Meanwhile you’ve learnt enough about humans and the world to realise that it’s shit and people are both amazing and stupid at the same time. Then you realise you’re one of them.

… Aaaaaand now you’ve made me think too much and I remembered that this species will inevitably be forgotten, as will my own. Nothing matters. On that single thought I constantly flip between despair and enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm: Nothing matters, sweet the world is truly my oyster and I should make the most of what I have by maximizing my immediate and long-term happiness.
Despair: Nothing matters, so what’s the point? There is no point.

Before.

therising — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 22:06:51 GMT

Hi IPlay

First, just want to say, you got a laugh out of me as images of a salivating wife and a talking dog sprung to mind 🙂

I believe, when someone in a marriage suffers in depression there are 3 members in the marriage - the 1st, the 2nd and a 3rd being depression, which they both wish would leave. Can't believe my husband stayed with me throughout my depression. I look back and also wonder how I stayed with him. With greater clarity, my view of those years now appears very different. This is not a blame game by the way, simply part of a path filled with revelations. He deeply loved me but never really actively raised me beyond his comfort zone. Like your wife, he too admits he could have done things a little different.

The oppression aspect (maybe too strong a word) has often crept into different parts of my life, sometimes without me knowing. It's amazing how easy it is to fill a person with self doubt when many ridicule and dismiss their passion/s. Eg: You can be almost obsessively wondering about the foolish nature of humans to the point where you question a lot of people around you to get their take on the whole show. You can be met time and times again with 'Stop asking so many questions' or 'you're looking too deeply into everything'. So, there you sit questioning, still wondering, but alone. In the loneliness come more questions, 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so obsessed? Am I boring?' You know, all that self questioning stuff. In truth, the answers may simply be 'There is nothing wrong with me, I was born curious. I wonder to the point of higher consciousness. I am only 'boring' to those who do not wish to wonder and explore possibilities'.

The 'Neo experience' (that pill where everything changed), can initially feel pretty soul destroying in various ways. Myself, a lot of my thirst for understanding a different world began when I fist came out of depression. I felt compelled to understand the basics of quantum physics, which led to researching aspects of metaphysics, epigenetics, bit of of prana understanding and a host of other energy based stuff. I have a vicious thirst for understanding the energetic side of life and why we tick how we do in this way. Throw a bit of psychology and biology into the mix.

Sounds a bit corny but everything 'matters' (vibes with energy at a sub atomic level). Why some things or people vibrate higher or faster than others or why they vibe lower or slower often leaves me wondering. Google is often my friend 🙂