topic Screaming into the void in Depression

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 09:25:44 GMT

Ever feel like the one post in a hundred with no response is always yours? Like the voice in a group chat that everyone talks around is always yours? Like so much of what you say is just screaming into the void, along with thousands of other voices all needing to be heard, but going unrecognised, unremarked, relegated to the unimportant.

It doesn't always happen, but so, so often. I feel incredibly isolated, and covid sure isn't helping. Those things above, and the way "friends" disappear without a word for months and say they thought I was fine and didn't need them, even when my last words to them were literally "I'm not okay". I really don't know how much more specific I can be.

Mostly I'm used to it, even like being on my own for the most part, I'm an introvert after all. But inevitably that unfortunate human need for companionship, for friends, comes to the fore and mocks me. There are schemes involved here, a start in life bereft of parental affection or social support, all that soppy stuff shrinks like to ask about. In these moments I write things like this post, to get it out, but with no belief it will be anything more than another unheeded scream into that damnable void. My depression rubs its hands together in glee.

I guess this is a space of solidarity for those feeling the same. Or a void of nothingness for my words to fall into. One of those. So help me, it all makes me so tired.

Screaming into the void

quirkywords — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 09:50:37 GMT

Blues. CluesI hear your voice and can relate. I find I am used to being alone.

I am sorry you are feeling so isolated . As you say covid doesn’t help. I have read your threads before and I hope you feel listened to here. I know you write about feelings that many of us have.

I don’t have the answers but I can say your words are read and have helped people on the forum including me.

Thanks for your honesty.

Screaming into the void

redroses — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 10:10:33 GMT

hi blues clues.

yes, i relate to everything you wrote here, sadly.

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 18:09:41 GMT

Hi Quirky,

Thanks you for your words, though I'm sorry you know what I speak of from experience. It's good to know I have been of some help to you here on the forums.

There are times I feel heard here on the forums, and there are times I don't. I used to feel welcome in the BB Café with the old crew, and now I don't - tried a few times and just get spoken around. There's an incident there some time back that really triggered me. Can't get the thread off "my threads" list to get some distance, though.

There's also no space here for talking about adult ADHD, and that has become frustrating. Communities online for it are few and far between and I've just come away from yet another where I just can't get anyone talking about anything but meds. The catalyst for this post, actually.

Sorry to ramble. I don't have the answers for this phenomenon, either. It's just exhausting and I'd like a break from it.

Blue.

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 18:13:04 GMT

Hi Robthomaslover,

Thanks for replying. Sorry it's something you are dealing with, too. It really does suck. I think we deserve better.

Blue.

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Wed, 16 Mar 2022 09:41:47 GMT

Here I am, screaming into the void again. Regular poster on two different mental health forums, on various forms of social media, have a handful of family and alleged friends. It's well known in all but the social media parts of that that my partner is in hospital, I haven't been well and am just generally not okay. Does anyone bother to say anything at all to me if I'm not constantly pushing the conversation? Hell no. Am I up to doing that? Hell no. Just once I'd like someone to notice if I'm not talking, especially when the last time I did talk I said I'm a long way from okay, and just check in. Show even the vaguest sign they give a damn. But nope. The only person who does give a damn is in hospital, and when he's not okay neither am I, but any support a human should have in times like these doesn't exist in my world. I'm so sick of this. My voice is empty and means nothing. Is there any point posting here? Probably not. But that void calls when the silence is so unbearable, it echoes with my frustration. It won't bring me family or friends that give a damn, but it's all I've got. Hi void, I'm back, as I always am.

Screaming into the void

Guest_1055 — Wed, 16 Mar 2022 09:53:27 GMT

Hi dear Blue, just letting you know I am hearing your scream. I have no advice or anything. But I am a fellow screamer... my scream is for a different reason.

Screaming into the void

redroses — Wed, 16 Mar 2022 10:14:59 GMT

hey blue. welcome back. i'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling and that your partner is in hospital, i hope they get better soon.

i know exactly how you feel. i wish people would be like that with me too. i and others are here for you. PS i used to be mb20lover.

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Wed, 16 Mar 2022 10:51:49 GMT

Thanks, Shell. Advice not required. It means something to simply be heard, I too often feel I am not. Sometimes there are advantages to being invisible. Other times it feels like I'm a ghost and just can't reach anyone no matter what I do. No advantage to that. I hear your scream, too. Do you want to talk about it?

Hey Robthomaslover, Thank you for listening. They still haven't figured out what is causing my partner's troubles, he's been in hospital for a week already. I'm waiting on results for tests of my own, my energy has hit the floor, and my mental health with it. A vitamin deficiency or something, I think. I feel as weak as a kitten.

Some of us just seem to always get overlooked, don't we? People don't care, or don't see us, or decide we're fine even when we say we're not. We don't deserve that, we deserve some support, too.

I have a thread in the long term support section. Used to have at least one regular visitor most of the time, but one by one they've disappeared from the forums, except Croix, who is taking a break from the forums for his own wellbeing. Can't fault a guy for that. Just wish my thread wasn't full of wind and tumbleweeds.

Screaming into the void

mmMekitty — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 00:47:02 GMT

Hi Blue's Clues,

I've seen you around sometimes.

I'm sorry, my memory is such I can't even recall where, which threads, & what they were about. I don't know much about adult ADHD, so if it was about that, I may have been one of those people reading, but not commenting. Thinking about this, gives me an idea thiese forums could use a litle thing that tells us how many people have viewed the threads, alongside the number who have posted replies.

I do get frustrated because of how quickly new threads are bumped down the list as other threads, often those more frequently posted to, are bumped up. There have been times when I can't find the threads I have wanted to go back to, seem to have disappeared.

Also, I've had to take a little step back, so haven't followed up nearly as many of those threads you mention - those which didn't get responses. I don't like seeing threads which don't get even one response. I am wary myself, because they might trigger me. I can feel so very helpless to know how to help some people. I wish like heck I could... I end up feeling overwhelmed.

I'm pleased if someone tells me if I have ever said anything which upsets them. It's not always obvious what may be a trigger for someone else. So, if it was something I said in the BB Café I said, I am sorry for that, & would like to know what it was, so I can do better in future.

I can understand how, even when you are screaming, you can feel unheard, especially when there's no response at all. It's exactly as you describe. Sometimes it seems that maybe any response is better than none, so, maybe what I ought to do is simply say 'hi, I hear you.' - at the very least. What do you think?

Have you made a thread with a title like: "Living with Adult ADHD (not meds)" ? I think the Living Well section would be a good place for such a thread.

😸I hope Croix will be back soon, too. As you know, it is the nature of this place, that people will come & go as they need/want.

Maybe it's just we've been moving around different areas of these forums, but I hope I see you around again, soom. 😺

mmMekitty

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 03:43:10 GMT

Hey mmMekitty,

Thank you for replying. I don't think it matters if you remember which threads you saw me on. It's nice you remember. I've noticed your replies to people, always eloquent and thoughtful. I think you put a lot of time and energy into your replies and perhaps don't want to speak unless you have the energy to do that - I'm like that, so I pick my regular threads carefully, put my energy where I feel it can do the most good.

I agree with you about new threads disappearing. I'd say the same of some old threads, like my own, that sit unseen for months. The forums are designed more for bringing in new people than taking care of the old hands, and I don't think either are being served as well as they could be. An "Unanswered (Active) Threads" section as well as a "New Threads" section could be invaluable to some of us, and a good tool for community champs to keep track.

I get the overwhelm with new threads, I reply where I can but often get triggered by them myself and have to step back. I also know mine don't necessarily come up as unanswered because it's not unusual for me to reply myself with stuff like "Uh, anyone...?" so it says 2 posts...

I think "Hi, I hear you" is a perfectly valid response. We always want to say more, sometimes we can't. It still counts.

My thread was called "Hey look, a birdie! (How to function with ADHD.)", in the Staying Well section. Didn't work. Some have said they want to talk about ADHD, but there you go.

Yeah I know people come and go. This time a vacuum got left in my thread and didn't get filled. 😕 As for Croix, I hope he comes back feeling refreshed.

I'll be around. Thanks for listening.

Blue.

Screaming into the void

redroses — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 04:38:00 GMT

hey blues.

i agree, and i'm sorry that's happening. i hope they can find out what's happening with your partner. it's scary getting a diagnosis but sometimes it can help so you can try to get the right treatment, same with mental illnesses i suppose.

which thread is yours in the long term support? i'll try to find it.

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 14:23:48 GMT

Hey Rob (mind if I call you Rob, for short?),

Yeah, it's scary. Anything that can happen to him after a transplant is scary. Even a cold is dangerous to him. I wish they were more sure of what is wrong. They're into "just in case" treatment for stuff it might be while they continue looking into it. That's stressful and hard on him too. I wish we had answers, and some idea of when he can come home.

My thread is "Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)". Wordy title I know, I'm a verbose creature.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

Screaming into the void

redroses — Fri, 18 Mar 2022 02:43:27 GMT

you can call me Tayla since that's my name, i just couldn't think of another username. but i was mb20lover.

hmm i'll try & find it later. i hope things get better for you & your partner.

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Fri, 18 Mar 2022 07:34:09 GMT

Thanks Tayla. I thought that was your name, but when I asked, the question got removed.

No improvements yet, but something's gotta give sooner or later. Cheers for caring.

Screaming into the void

redroses — Fri, 18 Mar 2022 09:17:29 GMT

all good. sorry the question got removed. i just write my first name here to clarify i'm a female, i should've thought of a better username. i checked out your thread & replied.

Screaming into the void

Clues_Of_Blue — Fri, 18 Mar 2022 10:04:43 GMT

Your username is fine, don't worry about it. Thanks, I found your reply. 🙂