topic Mental Paralysis in Depression

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 02:41:02 GMT

I began experiencing physically health issues even before I burned out at my last job almost five years ago. Initially it was the odd illness and infection, something that would normally be short-lived but even those began to stretch out and my plan to take time out to recharge went out the window almost immediately.
As for my mental health, I’ve gone through several periods of varying lengths of severe depression during my lifetime, and looking back, I’m not sure that depression ever really goes away. In my case, long-term stress, coupled with physical exhaustion and a sense of being trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation seems to be the trigger.
Even before the underlying cause of my physical health issue was discovered, severe depression had set in. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I stopped work and spent 18 months living in a haze, during which time I lived off my savings and drew on my super until I had nothing left. I don’t know how I found the strength, if that is the right term, to approach Centerlink for assistance but at some point I did. I don’t remember much of what was discussed but I do recall breaking down in tears at some point during the assessment. Several years have passed since and I am still stuck in the same loop, physical and mental health issues continue, concerns about accommodation, financial debt I can never repay, and the list goes on.
I can only describe my depression as paralysing, an inability to act. There is this whirlpool constantly churning in my head and I am frozen. Numerous psychologist, counsellors, etc., have dutifully handed me details of charities and organisations that I should contact for help but if it were that easy, wouldn’t I have already found and contacted them. I take those pieces of paper home, put them on the side and stare at them occasionally, going through what I might say during the phone call, wondering if I will remain composed, embarrassed that I have to seek their help and concerned that others would benefit more from their assistance than me. Over time I consign those contact details to a pile out of the way until they eventually end up in the recycle bin. Even to me it seems an idiotic situation for someone who once managed a team of 30+ people.
And then there is the flipside, when I am angry, which seems to be just about every day now and a very good reason why I do my utmost to avoid people. I try my best to be polite when I venture out once a fortnight to shop, swapping platitudes with those I engage with, however I am painfully aware that I have a short fuse which can and has resulted in angry expletive laden sprays, including at friends recently.
I am also aware that I do misinterpreting things, reacting without thinking and the most frustrating of all, saying things without realising, only to review later and wonder why I said what I did. I even start sentences and don’t finish them or fail to provide context until I see confusion on the other persons face, prompting me to consider what I have said and attempt to correct or add the necessary context.
I have spent many days writing whatever this is, and I am not even sure why I am doing it. I have often written letters to the likes of the ABC to air my views on various topics that frustrate the hell out of me but have never finished or posted them. I struggle nowadays to find the words and when I do throw words on paper, I often get so frustrated that I can feel my blood pressure go up or my jaw stiffening, whilst at other times a wave of tiredness descends. I know that tiredness worsens my dyslexia and trying to compensate for dyslexia requires additional brain processing energy, so it’s a double edge sword.
When I was younger, I had the time and good friends to help me find my way out of depression but as I get older, I find I no longer have the resilience or energy. I’m not liking old age and it’s not liking me much either. I regularly experience physical pain and discomfort and no longer know which is worse, that or the mental pain.
The pragmatist in me concludes that I have nothing left in the preverbal tank, nothing left to offer and nothing to look forward to. This is not what I consider to be life, but more a case of simply existing. Yes someone could throw me in hospital, talk with me for hours, which they have done already or pump me full of medication (done that too) but at the end of the day, the issues that have influenced my life over the past few years will remain unresolved.
Perhaps something in this diatribe will help someone better understand what depression can be like for those who live with it.

Mental Paralysis

Sophie_M — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 03:36:41 GMT

Hi 0ldDog,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing this here. It’s such a brave and articulate post, and we really appreciate how hard it can be to be open about this, especially when you’re feeling trapped and exhausted. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.

It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT). There’s also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a difficult time.

We’d also recommend checking out the Beyond Blue safety planning app if you haven’t already. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline 13 11 14 and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Thanks again for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Mental Paralysis

white knight — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 09:53:59 GMT

Hi, welcome

Having been through most of what you've experienced I see clearly some changes that can help.

Having depression or other MI can place you in a situation where, only radical actions can bring you hope of a life of improvement. This requires one to place their MI as a top priority.

For example. Mounting debts can cause extreme anxiety and worry. Declaring bankruptcy can give you relief and a feeling of starting over. It's at least worthy of consideration.

For some a move to the country from the city can provide lots of ingredients for lifestyle change.

Google: beyondblue topic a move to the country- why not?

Your diminishing abilities could be in line with the effects of stress in your life. I'm 65yo and I'm beginning to experience the same especially memory loss short term. I believe acceptance is better than cure. I don't dwell on this condition, we get old so that's what happens. Better not to worry as the following thread shows-

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

As for depression I've found fighting it fruitless

Beyondblue topic the timing of motivation

Have you thought you might need a reminder of the basics of appreciation of life away from your normal life. I have a suggestion- Google

Youtube prem rawat maharaji sunset

Youtube prem rawat the perfect instrument

And many more of his soul bathing videos. They are in the least relaxing and potentionally life changing.

Imo your short fuse will fall away when your quality of life picks up.

All this is radical to some people but they are but a few ideas that saved me from a life on a treatment merry-go-round

Repost anything

TonyWK

Mental Paralysis

Croix — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 10:26:40 GMT

Dear Old Dog~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to hte Forum. I'm glad you have met her already as she is sensible and gives good advice.

OK, I've read your 'diatribe', which incidentally is well written and articulate, painting a clear picture and no one would ever know from it you had dyslexia. I have it too and spend probably as much time weeding out typos as writing hte original post (I'm not as successful as you are though). I'm sure you spent considerable time on it, and under hte circumstances it was a brave move.

There are too many things in your post for me to try to talk about hem all right this minute, even if many are familiar too me.

Perhaps the most important thing is your misconception "concerned that others would
benefit more from their assistance than me", this is rubbish, it is very obvious from your post you are in a horrible situation with both physical and mental problems and as such as at least as entitle to help as anyone else in an effort to improve your lot. It is not a matter of balancing "merit" but simply that you a human being in distress.

Yes it is difficult to do certain tasks, in your case seeking help, with a list of agencies you don't contact. One of my problems was being unable to go to my mailbox at hte end of my drive. Irrational fear due to PTSD, depression and anxiety caused this. Eventually I overcame it, but it was a battle and I did have assistance.

Talking in a way that others do not understand, with broken and disjointed or out of context speech is also something I know. In may case because my head was so full of thoughts I did not need there was no room left for concentration on the present. Again this is now good, but it took time, and the benefit of a psychiatrist and meds.

As for contacting agencies and being paralysed so you never do, can I suggest you paste in your post, with a very brief explanmaton that it is a description of your difficult es and also saying what particular help you need (accommodation, finances, transport etc) -the email or post it?

Any reply is not going to be as stressful as Centrelink was, and you managed that, even if you did break down.

Look, I don't wish to burden you with too much in one reply so I'll stop now

I hope we get to talk some more

Croix

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 14:26:06 GMT

Thank you Sophie_M

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 15:19:21 GMT

Thank you for the suggestions.
Moving out of the city to the country does hold a certain appeal and something I could or should have done 10 years ago. I have actually moved so many times since my teen years, I can’t even remember all the places where I have lived but that has provided me with a realistic appreciation of what’s involved and at this point, I am not in a position, physically, mentally or financially to make that kind of a move.
Declaring bankruptcy is a good suggestion and one I have often contemplated as I’m sure it would address a major issue, however I haven’t had the funds to pay the fee required to register for bankruptcy.
Regards
J

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 16:01:12 GMT

Dear Croix,
The irony is that I used to be far better at spotting other peoples typos than my own.
I would love to provide a more comprehensive reply, however you response moved me to tears, but not in a bad way, just in a way I wasn’t expecting or prepared for.
Having read Sophie_M’s, TonyWK’s and your posts, and thanked them, I am emotionally drained but didn’t want to appear rude and not thank you.
I will respond as soon as I am able.
Rgds
J

Mental Paralysis

Croix — Sat, 13 Nov 2021 11:39:54 GMT

Dear J~

It is not often we are thanked, it is not only a welcome and healing message for us (we are just ordinary people after all and subject to the same doubts and worries as everyone), but also shows an insight into the character of the person who is considerate enough to do the thanking even when in dire straights.

Tears, well I'd guess you are finding there are others who do understand, who have traveled down similar paths and do not want you to feel abandoned by the world or betrayed by your own infirmities.

So take your time, please talk more when you feel up to it, no hurry at all. Also please don't stress over typos etc, this is not a place where such trivialities are remarked upon, simply ignored.

As an aside can I suggest consulting Anglicare or Salvation Army Financial Services (available most states) before contemplating bankruptcy.

I know that would be very difficult for you, but if you can manage it - email does wonders - an expert opinion from those used to such situations can pay surprising dividends. Then one thing can lead to another.

Croix (who always spells the as hte -sigh 😞

Mental Paralysis

mmMekitty — Sat, 13 Nov 2021 13:07:38 GMT

Hello J, (I've noticed you sign off as 'J', so I hope you don't mind.

I've just been reading this thread, & goodness, You & others here make me want to cry for simply how moved I feel because of such generous openness. I feel such warmth from the responses, when I was thinking, I don't know what to say.

I have some things in common with you, like, I'm over the half-way mark, even being most optimistic in my estimation of how many years I may have ahead. (Not that I'm waiting for any letter from any royalty - won't be in braille anyway!)

My memory is giving me the s***s lately, more and more, really, with each passing season. So much so, that I am becoming concerned.

My hair is greying, thinned out a lot too, but I can't see it so... I just get annoyed at how easily & how much hair I'm losing.

Yes.. I get grumpy, grouchy, cranky, you name it. I'm not so good at expressing my emotions, & when I do I am usually more upset about how I had behaved, & I'm not hurting anything. It feels so bad, though, even after years to get used to it.

I'd love to move to the country, but for, primarily, I have no transport, & cannot drive. can't get a licenc, then there is the need for reliable services, especially health, & mental health, although, with telehealth, that latter, at least might not be so hard to manage. Having the physical problems, especially with painful symptoms or effects can really mess up the mood! I know that one.

I struggle with feeling my needs are as desperately in need of attention as others. But, it occurs to me, too, how the heck do I know? Same goes for how much or little I imagine I might benefit from treatment as the next person. I cannot possibly know that. I am not in their head, right? So, stomp on these feelings, & I give them a ring, make an appointment, & at least ask. As Croix pointed out, you got through the humiliation of Centrelink 'compassion'? I think. when we do that, we can get through anything!

Oh, for Croix, too, at the bottom of a word document there is a little icon between the 'Word Count' tab & the 'Language' tab, which will help you with grammar & spelling.

When on, little red wavy lines appear underneath misspelled words, & if you right click on the misspelle word, an option or few will appear at the top of the list of things you might choose to do. It can be tricky - sometimes the options yourspell check are irrelevant. For common words it is more reliable.

😸mmMekitty (It don't like my name, do it?)

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Sun, 14 Nov 2021 01:27:53 GMT

Dear Croix,

Like your ‘Hte' V ‘The’, ‘You’ and ‘Your’, ‘Friend’ or ‘Freind’ are some of my obvious (to all except me) typos. I get I shouldn’t be worried about it in this context but I’m OCD about…well, probably everything to a greater or lesser degree! So if I cared less to begin with, I would only be more frustrated later…if that makes sense.

Compliments and kindness are not something I have experienced much of in recent years, hence it hit hard and is still reverberating around in my head.

Maybe it’s the depression talking or my situation that has jaded or blinded me to ‘the real world’, but I do feel that people’s lives have become busy, distracted and overly complicated these days, which means they have far less time for themselves and in turn, less time for others.

We reach the supermarket checkout and exchange meaningless platitudes with an assistant whose facial and body expressions make clear you are just another interruption to their working day and social media accounts. And we seem to have scripted responses for everything, so when you phone up somewhere, and are actually lucky enough to reach a real person (not an AI), you often get an uncaring, matter of fact and occasionally even abrupt (rude) response and very little else.

Genuine kindness and compassion seem to be heading south, chasing common sense and decency, and even though I am at odds with the world and frustrated with the direction mankind is taking, when someone I don’t know takes the time and makes an effort to help another (in this case me), I consider, at the very least, that deserves a ‘Thank You’.

‘What particular help you need (accommodation, finances, transport etc)’ Yes, pretty much that and a few other things. I appreciate the suggestion regarding financial guidance and had a quick look at the website…before my brain stalled.

As a child I thought I was thick, then when I was 30, I discovered I was dyslexic and life changed for me. After that, people used to consider me to be a reasonably smart guy, which is why I get so frustrated with myself for being like this! Yes I made it to the dreaded Centerlink assessment, but I don’t recall what finally pushed me to actually go.

Don’t answer if you don’t want to but I would love to know how you overcame your irrational fear, as you put it, and make it to the mailbox?

I wasn’t sure if I could or should have replied previous and thanked everyone in one post or to each individually, so apologies if I messed up there.

Rgds

Mental Paralysis

Croix — Sun, 14 Nov 2021 11:03:02 GMT

Dear J~

Your thanks were delivered perfectly, so no, you have not messed up in the slightest. They mean a surprising amount.

As for the dreaded mailbox, I guess I deliberately tried to associate it with something pleasant, rather than unnamed but feared content. To this end I found a website that sold off old USA libraries' books that had been retired from service. At that time it was a couple of dollars each including postage. I'm an avid reader and I ordered a fair few, spread out over time so they did not all arrive at once.

In time I could walk down to the mailbox with pleasant anticipation overriding the old fear.

While it did cost money, though not that much, there are equivalents that cost less. I try to have something to look forward to at the end of every day, a movie on iView, a book I've read before, specific music on YouTube and more. It's self-reward and at the same time takes my mind off the world and all its shortcomings.

Sometimes it is hard to get into these things as mind insists on it's own unpleasant chains of thought.

A means of breaking the flow of thoughts is needed, and I use the free smartphone app Smiling Mind for that. It has a large number of exercises, even ones for those like me who have hte attention span of a gnat. It does take practice to work well, but it is well worth it and becomes very effective.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

With the world seeming to be full of preoccupied people with less time for others, that's partly true, I'd agree. I used to be able to door-knock for Red Cross, now it is not worth it as people do not want to know. On the other hand there are a lot of people who do look out for others, as an example a newsagent ran out after me becuse I'd dropped an insert today.There is still kindness around us.

OK I've talked a bit, now I'd like to ask what sort of things could you use to look forward to? Does not have to be anything big, even a favorite sweet would be a start.

Also what do you think might help you reach out for assistance with finances - or anything else for htat matter? Is there anyone who could help?

Croix

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Sun, 14 Nov 2021 16:50:37 GMT

Hello mmMekitty

I never really understood ‘mid-life’ as being 50 but I get what you mean.
From your comments, would I be correct in thinking you have been visually impaired for some years now? If so, I can’t begin to imagine the strength of mind needed to adapt to such a life changing event. This is one of those occasions where we don’t appreciate the challenges others face until we meet that person.

Long-term memory has always been a problem for me and during bouts of severe depression short-term memory gets thrown into the mix for good measure. White Knight suggested old age is perhaps to blame and that I should just accept that. Maybe he is are right but from personal experience I’m inclined to think it is more a result of having no processing power left to hit the record button, and attributed to the constant churn created by anxiety and depression. Even so, consider that as a possibility has never helped me personally escape the cycle, so perhaps there is some wisdom to White Knight’s suggestion to ‘just accept it’, if that is a possibility.

Another possibility might be a lack of social interaction. For the most part, I have enjoyed the times I have been in a relationship but even when I was not, I still enjoyed social interaction with friends and colleagues. When severe depression hits, I’m not really aware what is happening at first but know that I start to withdraw from socialising. I think this time around, things have been worse and gone on for much longer, not only because of health and age, etc., but because I, like so many others, have to get by on Jobseeker. I started declining invites to go out for a coffee or meal for the simple fact that I can feed myself for 3 – 4 days for the cost of a Mackers. Over time the invitations stop coming, a blessing in some respects, but then you are left with few people to converse with.

A mate popped round last month and his phone battery was almost out of charge. He asked if I had an Apple charge lead, which I didn’t, so he then asked if I had a charging plate, at which point I laughed. Five years ago we shared the same universe but we are now on very different plains of existence.

Confucius say “Only when we experience it, can we truly understand it.” OK, so that wasn’t actually from Confucius, but Confused Us (aka me).

I know I’m the last person to talk about seeking help, but have you considered speaking to your GP or a counsellor regarding your concerns about your memory?

Rgds
J

Mental Paralysis

mmMekitty — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 04:30:56 GMT

Hi J,

The story of my eyesight is long & complicated. I've been legally blind for going on to 20 years I suppose, & my sight continues to deteriorate. I have tried to adapt & learn new ways to keep doing what I can, but have lost a lot along the way. Other problems are not helping.

I know stress, anxiety, depression, & physical conditions all take a toll on how well we manage day to day. Memory & concentration, sleep difficulties, inability to maintain focus on tasks, It just gets too much.

I keep note on just about everything, a calendar of appointments, I let my computer keep passwords, (not really sure that's a good idea, but what else to do?), the local chemist keeps my 'scripts, even online shopping keeps a list of things I've bought before, (which can be edited), because I don't remember brands , sizes, or even scents & flavours. One of my helpers keeps a diary outlining what she does when with her clients. So, she notes things down too.

There are recent concerns which have made things worse for me lately. I understand that, even expected it.

However, I still feel there is something more going on with my memory. So, I did talk to my GP & had a scan, & I guess that turned up nothing significant, or surely I would have been called in before my next scheduled appointment. So, I wait. Got another test for anther problem in the meantime. & I don't even want to think about it, let alone talk about it.

On top I have some family legal stuff to deal with. Well, my sis is having to deal with most of it, but what little I have to do seems overwhelming. It's all turning out to be more difficult than anticipated. I'd rather we be focusing on rebuilding our relationship, not that I really know how to do either.

Ah, but this isn't my thread...

I do notice I don't deal as well with lack of sleep as I did when younger. & I recover more slowly from just about everything, too. I'm sure this is age related.

I enjoyed Croix's letter box solution. I suppose, I give myself little treats, like getting a snack when I am out and about, shopping & such. & I do go play the little word games here, & go to a couple social threads as well. I play a bit, something for my inner child, I guess. I have an app on my phone, Garage Band, glitchy, but I enjoy making piano sounds, my own random tunes,& chords.

I do what I can to break the constant stream of thoughts & feelings. I'm wondering what you do? There are lots of ideas floating around this site.

- Letter Count Limit -

MMMekitty

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 07:33:43 GMT

The idea of rewarding your trip to the mailbox is ingenious, thank you for sharing that with me and others who might read this post in the future.

I looked up the app you mentioned. I used to use meditation years ago but I cannot get into it anymore, as I can’t sit, stand or lay still comfortably or long enough to relax. A couple of years ago I started using the sound of running bathwater at night to help me sleep. It’s something from my childhood. I also used it to cancel out other noise. It worked well for quite a while but now only blocks out exterior noise, not the noise in my head.

The question you asked at the end of your post is similar to one I have been asked previously. The first time that I was asked to go away and think about it over the weekend, things did not go well. The question no longer sends me into a head spin or elicits an emotional response, so asking it is not a problem however there is nothing positive that I can offer by way of a response.

As for the other question, I'll have to take a raincheck for now.

Reading about the issues other members have to face, having to again think about my own and responding to posts is more draining than I expected. I don’t know how you and other contributors manage it but think it is great that you do!

Rgds

Mental Paralysis

Croix — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 14:36:34 GMT

Dear 0ldDog~

It is the idea of self-reward I'm trying to emphasize. I've found it to be a double wammy. I get the pleasure of the reward itself -a chapter in a book etc, but also over time I get more of a feeling I deserve a reward, I'm a more worthy person. I hope that makes some sort of sense?

As for reading other's circumstances and finding they affect you, they do affect all of us, and if it was just reading, that would be hard. However I'm glad to say it is not, we all have the opportunity to use our experiences to help. Helping is of course is a basic part of human nature and promotes a good feeling, so we receive as well as give. Even negative experiences can help others, as they stop one from feeling all alone..

Rainchecks are fine, BTW is there anyone you could ask about what you used to enjoy?

Croix

Mental Paralysis

mmMekitty — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 15:16:06 GMT

Hi J,

I was trying to write very much along the lines of what Croix Just said! How did that walrus sneak by me while I was typing will forever be a mystery.

I do find it is difficult sometimes, when I feel unsure of what to say. Late night, like now, when I ought to be asleep, I might notice a new post, from someone, their first post, & I want them to just know their post was read, & I will say Hello & welcome.', at the very least. It seems the same to me if I was going into a place, hoping to sit & talk & get some help, if I was left wandering about the building after handing in my forms, & no one stopped to say 'hello, how can I help?' No, that would not do.

Goodnight, all,

🙀 mmMekitty, thinking of things I used to do, & can I still do some, even if I don't do them well. That's beside the point of doing them, eh?,

Mental Paralysis

Evolv — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 05:13:14 GMT

Hi to all on this forum,

I red the first post from J. And it resonate so much with my current situation. I don't think I ll be able to express myself as well as you all did but I give it a try.

I am an international student here in Australia fighting to establish myself here for several reasons. Some reasons are valuable some aren't.

I self reflect on my life journey and I realise how all my life I withraw my self from the world just by fear to be judge starting at the age of 18 years old.

I had a few relationships that I self sabotage without knowing why at the time.

I feel with despair that my cognitive abilities are impacted and reduced. It is very hard for me to focus and or stay still. It seems I can't even listen to what people tell me or understand basic instructions.

I feel paralyzed when I need to take decisions. The smallest ones are hard to take and the challenging ones are triggering a state of depression. I don't dare to speak because whatever I say doesn't have sense. There is no foundation, valid point, backup. I am confused and don't want to attract attention on my poor speech and lack of ideas. Processing thought is getting hard. I ruminate a lot, at the end of the day I feel exhausted with a fried brain.

Therefore I wonder who I am and what is my purpose on earth. I have no passion, no interest. When I look at people outside, life seems so easy for them. Families, friends, co-workers, hobbies, sport. It seems easy although I am struggling.

I feel guilty and sad to feel the way I feel.

I am not angry but envious, I d like to have my own family one day but looking at my issue I doubt it will happens.

I wanted to share my feeling on this forum because I felt a sense of care from one another 🙏🏼

I d like to ask you do you know what are the triggers of your reality?

Once hear if you know the deep rooted origins of your discomfort you can overcome it.

Are you ruminating as well ?

I am still young (34) but I am stuck in that mentality. Every day I try to force myself to be positive and optimistic

Thank you for tanking the time to read my post 🙏🏼

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 04:24:41 GMT

Hello Croix,

I understood the reason and double reward benefit. As I said, ingenious and good that you found something that worked for you.

As for asking someone what I used to enjoy, it’s not a case of not being able to recall stuff. To use your suggested example of sweets, as much as I used to love them, I try not to waste what little money I have on chocolate or savouries, but when I do occasionally treat (for want of a better word) myself I get very little satisfaction from it these days and wouldn’t call it enjoyable. I don't even enjoy meals nowadays and generally only eat because boredom and stress are tiggers. That lack of enjoyment extends right across the spectrum.

After a week, which has included my old dog being sick, stupidly trying to reconnect with dysfunctional and distant family, feeling emotionally drained after realising just how many (too many) people with similar or greater problems than I seek support from this site…my anger has reduces to a simmer, some might consider that a positive.

Every day is another Groundhog Day and realistically, considering my circumstances that is unlikely to change. Speaking for myself, life without joy, reason or reward (not necessarily financial) isn’t living, just existing.

Mental Paralysis

0ldDog — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 05:47:00 GMT

Hello Evolv

I can relate to many of the things (traits) you have shared in your post.

What triggers my depression? Exhaustion, which itself is a gradual condition, is part of the trigger, perhaps the firing pin. Finding myself trapped in a situation is the other part, the hammer.

I was a workaholic, to the detriment of everything else, including past relationships and personal matters. I am a problem solver but when it comes to me and depression is in play, I can’t solve my own issues. That then manifests itself as frustration, which leads to self-destructive behaviour, then anger for being stupid and the cycle goes on.

As for life being so easy for them, well I have been both them and us, and perhaps you have been too. I am aware that when my depression abates, I can function and live a reasonably normal life, but I also appreciate that these are two very different plains of existence.

When I have been able to work, I have always earned good money but when the depression takes over, I end up losing everything and having to work my butt off for the next 10 years to re-establish myself. When younger it was perhaps a little easier to do but this time round, I am in my 60’s and I don’t have the physically stamina to dig myself out and start again.

It’s hard for some to deal with people who are depressed…it’s depressing right! And everyone will see the world differently according to their circumstance, but I have to wonder, because I know depression has forced me to have time on my hands, time to think (so dangerous). So do I see the world as it is, or are my views jaded and unrealistic? Conversely, are normal (as defined by society) people so busy, so distracted by society’s rules that they don’t to see the bigger picture, or maybe they don’t want to see, as the mess is so huge, it seems impossible to fix.

So that also covers one of the things I ponder (ruminate). Climate change, greed, education and other topics rattle around. More frequently of late, a situation will trigger a cyclonic thought process that goes on for days and those can be particularly draining.

As for forcing ourselves to be this or that, I have to wonder why. Personally I feel that forcing ourselves to try and be happy or something we are not is counterproductive and energy consuming. It’s also not going to help us or others appreciate when someone is genuinely happy or sad. We should be what we are until we can be something else.

Mental Paralysis

Croix — Mon, 22 Nov 2021 11:19:18 GMT

Dear OldDog~

You are right that there are huge problems in the world, and as I may have mentioned when my depression was out of control I concentrated my attention on them to the exclusion of all else.

It's not helped by the media of course who for every positive story seem to pick on 10 that are upsetting, or frustrating, or seem insoluble, or all three. Media of course are dictated by money, so again you are right, another problem.

Nowadays I acknowledge there are problems, but steer away from the media and try to concentrate on the sphere around me. This is a better way for me to be. I meet and interact with worthwhile, generous and kind people more than any other kind, many of them here on the Forum. Many in normal life, like the supermarket check-our lady that ran after me to the car park when I dropped somethng a few days ago, or the one that helped me with my bags to the car this evening.

Unlike the subjects in the news I can influence what happens in my sphere, trying to make life easier for others -and myself in the process. Plus time for simple enjoyment.

I'm trying to say it is easy for you to get trapped into a view of the world that leaves nothing for you to do, it is too big and too hard.

I'm not advocating you try to force yourself to be happy, that is a nonsense, I am suggesting that indirectly you can influence your thoughts. Your body is linked to you mind, and I've found treating it reasonably helps my attitude -no big cure, just a help. Similarly eating as well as you can afford.

Perhaps the greatest influence is other people, which is why I started volunteering, it gave me others to interact wiht, other points of view, and gave me routine. I'm not suggesting volunteering is the way for you -thought it might be- but being with others who are of a more positive mindset helps.

I admit not everything that has worked for me will work for others, but I've gone from a suicidal wreck to a reasonable and happy human being. If I can I'd suggest there is hope and a way of improving a lot for most.

Do you think I'm just rabbiting on OldDog?

Croix