topic Hate in Depression

Hate

Lilly18 — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 00:41:15 GMT

I hate my dogs
I hate being a parent
I hate being a widow
I hate mess
I hate my brain
I hate my feelings
I hate my false glimmer of hope
I hate being me

Hate

Sophie_M — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 00:47:31 GMT

Hey Lilly, thanks for reaching out to the forums today. We're so sorry to hear how awful you're feeling today. It sounds like you're very overwhelmed. Please know we are here to talk through anything that's weighing on your mind.

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline on 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

Many of our members have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

Hate

Tay100 — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 01:02:35 GMT

Hi Lilly18,

Thanks for posting, we know it can be hard to do when you are in a tough headspace. It does sound like you are feeling particularly low and frustrated right now- you mention being a widow and parent. If I may, this thread on family/relationship issues may provide you with a sense of community and maybe some insight into whatever you are experiencing (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues). You are always free to chat in this thread also; we are a caring, non-judgemental space.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

Hate

Lilly18 — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 04:01:57 GMT

Sophie I was seeing a psychologist last year I stopped going as I felt like a waste of space & I would forget everything and anything about the session. I have been waiting for a couple months for an appointment again.

Iam usually pretty numb, get through each day but today I woke up full of rage and hate for everything & I just don't know why I am here dealing with this like what is the point if I am so miserable?

Hate

Sophie_M — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 04:17:54 GMT

Hey Lilly, thanks for getting back to us.
We're so sorry to hear that your appointment with your psychologist left you feeling so awful, this must've been really upsetting. We also understand how disheartening it can be to have to wait so long for another appointment. It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment and we're so sorry to hear this. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope that a few of our members will pop by with some words of support for you.

Hate

Leisa68 — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 05:59:49 GMT

Hi Lilly,

I am sorry you feel this way today. I definitely have been there in a similar place and feeling so, so angry. I took a couple of psychologists before I found the right one for me. You definitely do not have to remember what occurs, or what has been said at your appointment with the psychologist. I found it hard to remember anything when I had been unwell. It was all a big blur. I kept turning up and things got lighter. As you cannot get an appointment now, why not try the support service here at Beyond Blue? I rang and it really helped me at that time.

I am still here, and things are better. It's easier for me to say, but I got through it. I really, really hope that things get better for you too. You can be angry, but it is important fo you to get help even though you are angry.

Sending you strength and kindness,

Leisa68

Hate

Lilly18 — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 06:48:42 GMT

❤
I hate this. I can't even describe the feeling it's a blackness through my whole body under my skin. I know it will last a few days and it will be gone

Hate

Leisa68 — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 08:12:38 GMT

Hi Lilly,

I know what you mean, mine was like a sharp rolling ball that kept on persisting, scraping my insides.

Hate

Leisa68 — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 08:14:55 GMT

Hi Lily,

I know that feeling, mine was a sharp persisting ball that kept turning and felt like it was scraping my insides. Depression can feel so physical. But it's not with me anymore. But I had to get help. I have a child also, but also I had to get help for myself.

I really really hope you can find the help you need. My pain has stopped mostly. Yours can too, I am sure of it.

Leisa68

Hate

therising — Sat, 13 Jun 2020 08:31:36 GMT

HI Lilly

Things definitely sound intolerable for you and I feel for you so very much. When I looked at your list, it led me to wonder whether it's not these things you hate but the feeling of intolerance towards them and the unbearable challenge that you hate. Wondering whether you become numb to them because it helps you tolerate them and the challenges they bring on occasion. Also wondering if you have help in regard to managing these aspects of your life.

From personal experience, I can become super sensitive at times to what feels intolerable. I tend to question myself a lot when this happens. You know those questions that can come about:

What's wrong with me?
Why can't I handle things more easily, the way others do?
Why can't I just be happy?
Why do I go through these stages of incredible hate?

Not sure if this will resonate with you but I found some of the answers to those questions to be

I haven't asked for help in managing or I haven't found the solution with which to best manage things toward change
Others may have strategies in place which help them manage. Or, maybe, others aren't as sensitive as me, when it comes to challenge. For example, I can feel challenged to question myself (my behaviour and thoughts) in order to better myself. Others may never choose to explore self-questioning. They may choose to remain the same for the rest of their life, without evolving in seriously tough ways (aka they are complacent)
It's rare you'll ever hear me use the word 'happy' anymore. My vocab tends to be energy based these day. I'm charged, I'm energised, I'm pumped, I'm excited, I'm powered up and so on. The opposite: I'm exhausted, I'm low in energy, I'm feeling deflated, I'm feeling numb, I'm feeling down and so on. Being a mind/body/spirit sort of gal, I find this language ties in with how I'm feeling over all. This can be handy at times, for if I'm not getting the right sort of energy physically or if demands are draining me, I can expect the lack of energy in motion will impact my mental state. A lack of inspiration and increased mental demands can can also create physical issues (chemistry)
Hate can sometimes mean we've reached the absolute peak of our tolerance. Can feel like a pressure cooker about to blow. Do you ever feel like once you have a good vent you can go back to tolerating what you're sensitive to?

If you discovered your natural self, would you hate this self? The most liberating journey begins with the question 'Who am I?'

🙂

Hate

Lilly18 — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 03:57:23 GMT

Thankyou for your reply, that's really made me think.
Indeed your right to some extent in your first paragraph there.

Everything, I know it's a generalisation but I do mean everything in my life is too much for me to cope with and I don't even have a job! Which I will have to get one soon.

I do wonder what is wrong with me
I can't handle things as easily as others because the facts of life, mine is difficult and the people I know are not facing anything to what I am. Sure they have their own problems but they arnt dealing with 3 young kids who lost their dad and a messed up mother
Love the alternate words for happiness I still don't feel any of those unless I am taking some adhd med that's not mine.
Once I have a good vent which involves smashing valuable things, no I am not able to go back to tolerating life.

Who am I? Who knows

Hate

therising — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 06:54:08 GMT

Hi Lilly

Sounds like you are someone who is trying her best to raise herself and her kids through great grief and financial stress. I imagine you're also someone who needs a co-manger, being overwhelmed doing all this on her own. You mention the adhd meds. Wondering if you're also someone who struggles with intense energy. Whether intense energy is positive or not so positive, learning how to channel it and vent it is definitely a must. Managing it with meds could be one of the ways to go too, even in the short term.

Wondering if you've considered exploring what kind of network you may need to form. Could be a network which includes a thoughtful GP to suggest meds or therapy, a grief counselor or even a group of inspiring widowed mums who share advice on getting through the overwhelming challenges and your network could also include young friendship groups to help your kids feel uplifted. A little out there but perhaps even a group of folk who are specifically into channeling energy in natural constructive ways. I imagine such networking will present as a significant challenge in the initial set up. You're a powerful woman Lily, in a state of incredible grief and overwhelming disruption to what was a much easier life at one point.

Wondering if part of your new identity could include networker. This may prove to become a productive channel in more ways than one.

Take care Lilly. I remain wishing you and your kids only the best when it comes to your deeply challenging way forward.

Hate

Emmen — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 07:24:16 GMT

Hi Lilly,

I want to echo therising's replies to you and add that people are put in different circumstances. You see that others are not in the same situation as you, and that's true. You're dealing with this and asking for help. That's strength. I wouldn't say you're a 'messed up mother' to your young kids. To them you're not messed up, you're simply their mother. So don't label yourself this way, you're simply mother in a messed up situation.

Everything you feel right now is perfectly valid and an understandable response to a difficult situation. Unfortunately the situation also calls for you to use all your strength and pull through, for yourself and for your kids. therising's suggestion of finding a support group could be your first step. You may wish to check out First Light Widowed Association (https://www.firstlight.org.au/), it's a charity that provides support for widows.

Take care,
M

Hate

Lilly18 — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 13:26:29 GMT

Thankyou for replying.

I do sort of see myself as having intense energy, % 99.9 negative energy.

I just seem to be going around in tortuous circles. I am on my 4th or 5th antidepressant with basically no benefit from any of them but have stuck with my current one 2yrs. Have followed my GPs suggestion of a higher dose, didn't help so went back down. Gp said to try the higher dose again, didn't help, so I have just gone back down. I have a new one to try but it's garenteed to stack on weight and cause drowsiness so I won't take it.

I feel so stuck

My anger outbursts really worry me, I don't know how to change/stop them. I don't have the whatever it is that most people seem to have that stops them from acting on their anger.

Hate

Guest_9315 — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 14:18:21 GMT

Hi Lilly18,

I possibly can't offer any more advice than the others already have, but I just wanted to stop by and say 'hi' and let you know that I am sure you will find wonderful and genuine support here on BB. I've been a member for over a year but have just started reaching out on the forums, and that in itself feels like a step in the right direction for me.

I too struggle incredibly with bursts of anger. My children are tweens/teens now and are well and truly over my moodiness. My psychologist today suggested I get back into meditation. Would this be something for you?

To take a few minutes each day (perhaps first thing in the morning/as you go to sleep at night) and listen to a guided meditation could make a positive difference. I was recommended to try Palouse Mindfulness, but there's plenty out there if you can find someone you resonate with and are comfortable listening to their voice!

Louise Hay is all about positive affirmations - which can sometimes seem so far from your reality in the moment, that it just irritates the heck out of you - but I know from experience it does eventually help!!

Sending much kindness and support to you and your family,

x Mama.of.3

Hate

Lilly18 — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 02:01:01 GMT

Thanks,
I do listen to hypnosis/guided meditation every night in bed. It feels nice at the time but I it doesn't make an impact on my day to day life.

I'm really struggling and need help, I have destroyed so many things! I just went around the whole house last week patching dints and holes on the walls, now I have to do it again.
Need to do a tip run for the broken things. This isn't ok for me and I don't know how to stop.
Why isn't there a happy pill I can take. If I'm gonna be here I want to feel a bit of positivity.

Hate

Guest_9315 — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 03:11:37 GMT

Yes, I know what you mean. I went away for a 10-day silent meditation retreat when my children were younger, it was amazing while I was there, and driving home I felt amazing. Got home, different story! The simplest thing made me lose my sh*t, so I turned to smoking weed to calm myself. It seemed to calm me down (for some years), but not really...

The fact that you've admitted you are struggling and need help is definitely a positive step. You've put your desire out there to get help, and I truly hope you do receive!

I'm feeling like crap as well. You are not alone. It will pass. Keep reaching out and jumping on BB for support.