topic Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . . in Depression

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

iAlex — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 04:57:55 GMT

So im new to this and dont often share like this but im at a loss right now. I'm 30 year old guy if that helps. I started feeling this way maybe a week ago and it hasnt subsided so i dont know if its depression or what. Out of nowhere i suddenly was on the verge of tears at work, things i never though of before started flooding my mind. Things like, how im disappointed in how much life turned out, job, social life, love life etc. I tried to stay positive and tell myself it will be fine, but that didnt work. My job is a dead end and i have to partner so im at home alone most of the time. Socially i dont really have many friends, maybe 3 or 4 but they have their own lives and actual careers so i never get to see them. My only form of happiness seems to be in the form of video games and tv shows/anime but even now i barely play any games.

Im a bit overweight and thought exercising would help, so i started walking while listening to audio books and that seems to help until im done and back at home. Then everything starts to sink in again. Ive tried eating better and thats a dead end it seems, my appetite has gone out the window and for the past week ive had the equivalent of 2 ready made meals a day, like the jenny craig ones just store bought.

Basically im feeling lost, alone, and empty. Like ive got nothing and wont ever have anything. The one girlfriend i had when i was 20 hurt me in a way that before i knew it 10 years had gone by of me being single.

Thats basically it, its not very well structured so i apologies for that but my mind is racing and all over the place right now so i tried to make it as readable as i can.

Just looking for advice, i cant turn to family since my mother i havent spoke to for years, my father is going on holidays in less than a week and i dont want him to miss them or have a bad time, he needs them.

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

coal — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 05:40:55 GMT

hello, that is super kind that you are allowing your dad to take a holiday

that is super kind that you have put his need for a holiday ahead of your need.

you might even allow yourself to feel good about yourself now that your goodness is being highlighted.

we all got troubles iAlex the trick sometimes is to ignore what you dont like and focus on the small wins.

keep going

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

Ebi — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 11:48:59 GMT

Hi iAlex,

Well done for reaching out... Can be hard to articulate the bad feelings and what is happening but you have done well. This is a nice place to open up, there are so many understanding and kind people.

I reckon turning 30 can be a bit of a hurdle in emotional wellbeing... You start to kind of take stock and see if your life is moving in the direction that you expected it to... There's a lot of pressure in society to have arrived somewhere by that age too.

Sounds like you're feeling unhappy about your job/career, relationship and contact with friends. Although it's only been a week of feeling bad, it sounds like you're struggling with a few different aspects of life. Did something specific happen to send your thoughts in this direction?

You could try reaching out to your friends... Put aside the idea that they're too busy with their successful lives and realise that they would probably like to help you because they are your friends. I suspect that your dad too, would like to help you, it's hard to know whether it would really ruin his holiday to know that you're struggling... You could let him know that you just need some emotional support, a chat, before he heads off and that you are going to be okay (you are, you know).

Another option is to go and talk with a/your GP. He/she will hopefully try to rule out physical causes and can refer you to a psychologist which will entitle you to up to 10 Medicare-subsidized sessions (some psychologist bulk bill which makes the sessions free for you). Getting an outside perspective and some coping strategies can really help.

Thinking of you, Ebi

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

iAlex — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 00:19:22 GMT

I may have to go see a GP it seems. . .things arent getting any better. I tried telling one of my maybe 3 or 4 friends, one i thought i was closest with. Didnt seem to help at all, just got the usual "damn that sucks man, hope you feel better soon" type of reply. Im pretty sure i can feel myself spiralling, just makes it harder and harder to even bother anymore.

As for what caused it im not too sure, i just remember being at work one night and it just sort of hit me out of he blue. Started thinking about how pointless the job is, how its a dead end and then it just branched from there. How i messed up uni, how its been so many years and i have nothing to show for it. . .and so on. Now its all i think about and i cant stop or distract myself from it, and it just keeps getting darker by the day.

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

Ebi — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 04:08:32 GMT

That is disappointing that you reached out to your friend and he/she didn't know how to help you. I guess they were trying to give some emotional support but it sounds like it wasn't enough... It's sometimes hard for people to know how to help... Sometimes I will tell people what I need...e.g., I just need you to listen, I need advice, I need help with this practical issue...

I reckon a psychologist is going to be helpful for you. It sounds like you might benefit from reconnecting with or (re)discovering your values/passions/ things that make life meaningful for you. Then you might also get some help thinking about the changes that you could make to bring that meaning into your life...

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

iAlex — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 04:55:51 GMT

I just spoke in person to a family member hoping it would help, but somehow i just feel worse. The whole time i was choking back tears and if anything talking about out loud made it worse. I have found one thing though, not sure if its related. But i find myself watching tv shows and such and thinking to my self how much better life would be if it was like whats on the screen. Find myself wishing that I could be there instead of here, the same with my audio books. At the moment they are the only things keeping me going and allowing me some downtime from these feelings and thoughts. . .

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

smallwolf — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 05:57:53 GMT

Hello iAlex,

Unfortunately not all friends know how to respond when you open up to them like you have. I have had silence, "get over it", "I had anxiety once" (for 2 day), through to genuine care and interest in my story. And then for some of these people it becomes a learning experience because the do not really get what you go through, and then develop a better understanding as you talk with them.

I understand that you might feel weak for crying, but it is also a stress release. I recall instances when I was talking to mum when my life was turned upside down. I felt bad at the time, not being able to contain myself but talking to someone was helpful (and a relief), and hope this would be the case for you as well.

And if you talk to GP and perhaps consider professional help, there is nothing to fear or be embarrassed about. In fact getting help can be sign of courage and strength. And in the meantime, writing here can also be helpful in between times.

Do you work from home? And what sort of work do you do?

(I worked from home for many years and found that in the long term it was not good for me. And as you indicated there is a lack of interaction with other people, among other things.) And for me there was/is that feeling of not accomplishing anything and there was no gratitude from those I work(ed) for.)

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

iAlex — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 06:13:01 GMT

Unfortunately talking about it made it worse, as soon as my family member left i pretty much broke down. I work in retail which wasnt my choice, more like a necessity at the time because i had just finished 3 years of uni and was drained of willpower and funds. So i took this job and i deferred my studies for a couple years. I had a few more classes left to finish before i could graduate. Well 3 years later i went to go back, refreshed and money saved so i could not work and focus everything on studies. Thats around the time i got hit with the double whammy.

The girl i was in a relationship with broke it off, and it wasnt a pleasant one. When i asked her for an explanation she basically gave me a good verbal thrashing about my faults (stuff like still living with my parents, not being a super social person, not having ambitions) and it really hurt.

Then the following week i got an email from uni telling me i wasnt able to come back to finish my remaining subjects. Apparently 3 years was too much time to take off. . .i tried to argue and plead but nothing happened. This made me sink back into this job and basically become complacent. I had ruined my studies, racked up a good amount of student debt and got nothing for it. And now years later it seems all that is coming back to me and its hitting harder than ever. Doesnt help either that im scared of going out to socialise or meet women now because of what happened.

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

smallwolf — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 23:24:05 GMT

Hi iAlex,

A lot happened in a small amount of time and you were overwhelmed...

Do you feel that you got over what happened in that relationship? As for your faults, are there other explanations you might think of?

Here is my take on yours faults.... (if you disagree please tell me)

You said she commented on you not having ambitions - you were about to to go back to uni to complete your studies. I am not sure what you were studying but that sounds like you have goals! A similar argument could be made on living with your parents - saving to up enable you to return to Uni. After all, you had/have to look after yourself while studying? When someone says something nasty, it hurts. I know! And even that person were to the say sorry, a wound was opened. And what is a super social person? It sounds rather subjective, and she liked you before you broke up without raising this as an issue? I see a person with ambitions to complete their studies.

regarding your studies... do you still want to complete the degree?

Tim

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

iAlex — Tue, 30 Jul 2019 07:20:21 GMT

So a bit of an update. I've changed a few things over the past 2 weeks to see if i can get myself out of this feeling of hopelessness and depression. I started exercising, eating less and healthier and have managed to lose some weight in the 2 weeks and actually have more energy.

But for some reason i feel the same inside. . . I know im changing and getting healthier but for some reason i feel just as miserable. And still the only time i feel any kind of relief is when im just laying in bed listening to my favourite audio books. I think its a way for me to escape and experience a more interesting life? It's getting to a point where im losing all motivation to do anything and it scares me to even think about doing something i want to do like studying and getting a certificate in networking or something like that. So i hype myself up and say i can do it, i get excited and everything but once i begin to look for courses or look for a new job or anything like that, this heavy feeling washes over me and i just sink back down. I dont really know how to put it into words.

This has been going for 3 weeks so far and i can barely take anymore, cant imagine it continuing for months or even years like with some people. I was told to go see a local GP and they would get me to take a questionnaire and based on my answer proceed from there. It just makes me so embarrassed and makes me feel even worse because of it. Being put on medication scares me too since ive never taken any sort of meds apart from anti biotics and stuff like that.

And if i get a referral to see a psychiatrist i dont know if id be willing to go, i tried talking to a family member because everyone said it would make me feel better. If anything talking about it makes it worse since i can hear the problems out loud and it serves to reinforce everything.

I'll keep trying to soldier on, but being alone in the house and losing more and more drive each day doesnt make the future look great. . .

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

Ebi — Tue, 30 Jul 2019 09:52:21 GMT

Hi iAlex,

Good to hear from you. Well done for making those changes in diet and exercise. However, it sounds like those changes might not be enough to change what's happening in your mind at the moment.

You wrote about feeling embarrassed to tell the doctor, scared of taking medication, and possibly feeling worse talking to a psychiatrist....

I know it's hard to reach out for help... It really is. It's confronting to try to articulate how we are feeling and why...I recently had to do it with my GP. It's so hard but.... It's also incredibly relieving. That is the GP's job. They have had many people sit across from them, crying, sobbing, trying to explain how they are feeling... And I reckon most, if not all, GP's try to respond to you with kindness, compassion and care. So... go to your GP mate. Try not to make assumptions about what will happen next, just focus on sharing what's going on with the GP.

Thinking of you, Ebi

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

iAlex — Thu, 26 Sep 2019 03:06:54 GMT

So a bit of an update, still alive. I was doing a bit better for a couple months there, was focusing on playing video games, watching tv shows and continuing to binge like crazy on audio books. But it wasnt meant to last i guess. I didnt realise it then but i do now, it seems like my depression comes from my lack of friends, no GF and lack of career, if that makes sense. I sort of homed in on these when i went out with a friend and a couple other people for his bachelor party. We didnt do much, just guy stuff but towards the end of the day when we were going out for dinner i starting to get the depressed feeling again.

We were eating and i was listening to everyone else, how their careers are and how their wives/GFs are and i tried to shake it off but i think everyone noticed. Then i tried to not listen to the conversation and look around and just take in the sights around us. Seeing all those couples and people who seem to have their lives together really drove it home then and there, almost had a melt down but kept it together.

Now im finding myself doing something strange, something ive never done before. Im listening to my audio books and for some reason wishing i could have a life like that. I mean like, im envious of the characters. I know its all fictional and what not but. . .i dunno how to explain it properly. This time around though this is much worse, before the books helped me calm down and get away. Now its as if im getting worse just by listening to these awesome characters and their adventures.

The psych sessions didnt help, went though 5 of them and stopped. I tried the medication for a bit but after 3 weeks i felt the same and actually more lazy.

Im actually typing this on my phone because i really sank today and had to get out of the house after finding myself researching some alarming things. Will try to keep pushing on and hopefully with will subside. Just wanted to give a bit of an update.

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

Sophie_M — Thu, 26 Sep 2019 06:33:45 GMT

Hi iAlex,

It’s great to have you reaching back here on the forums. We are sorry to hear that it feels like things have been getting worse for you. Please know that we are worried about you as you’ve mentioned that you’ve researching some troubling things today. We’d encourage you to get in touch with our Support Service to talk through any difficult moments - 1300 22 4636 or on email and Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Keep checking in to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

iAlex — Thu, 26 Sep 2019 08:08:14 GMT

I'll do my best to keep posting but it's getting damn difficult to even work up the strength to get up. At work right now and I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check. Everytime I think about my own life and then think about how awesome all my favourite characters lives are it makes me want to curl up somewhere. It's never been this bad before. . .I'm at a loss lol