topic Hope I post in the right forum! in Depression

Hope I post in the right forum!

bonavitae — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 03:17:30 GMT

Hey everyone,

I am not sure if it's the right forum, but here it goes.

I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about anything.

Feel empty, lost, don't know what to do anymore, like I don't know who I really am anymore and don't know where to start looking or even where to start to a degree but I guess here is a good start.

For the last 5years or so, everything has just be steadily "declining". Jumped from job to job in Sydney, either didn't suit, got fed up with management and finally terminated because I didnt follow the "sales steps" and had a more down to earth and easy going style (which received good feedback from my clients and meeting targets).

So after I was fired in late 2018, just before Covid, I had to move in with family back out in the Central West and it's been eating away at me. Since being back had another few other things happen and it feels like I just can't get anything right, and probably never will. As an example; I had gotten a job and was working full-time, with clients ringing head office and posting some pretty good reviews and feedback, but it didn't work out there either and that was about 12mths ago.

Within a few weeks of moving back in with family, my epilepsy started playing up again after 4yrs seizure free and unmedicated.

The family members I moved in with irritate the absolute (Little Brother who owns the house, his new gf who moved in a few mths ago after dating for about 3-5mths and aged mother), irritate **** out of me with everything! To add to it, I have no privacy with both my brother walking into my bedroom at anytime for a smoke and his gf occasionally following him (yes, both whilst I am in there laying down relaxing, sleeping or not in there).

I am probably being nasty because mum is in alot of pain and her health's not exactly great, but her constant moaning and groaning gets to me, amongst a few other things. She also feels the need to narrate the things she is doing or going to do, such as "I am going to have a shower and lay down" and everytime I have to hold myself back from saying, "I don't care. If you want to have a shower and lay down than do it, I dont need to know." So I am probably being nasty there.

Anyway long story short, I just don't know anymore. I fall asleep some nights with tears in my eyes wondering and wanting to just disappear, not dead just alone.

Any advice on where to start?

Hope I post in the right forum!

Yana8216 — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 03:53:36 GMT

Hello bonavitae
Old people are super annoying sometimes. If you google it, cognitive decline starts from about age 37 or something (me - eek!) and is a VERY REAL THING although I'm sure I don't need to tell you that 😉
Getting on in years myself, I have realised we tell people what we're doing (eg having a shower) in case we faint during the shower and need medical assistance. (I am a bit of a hypochondriac.) A little saying I have invented, which helps me feel better, is "Not their fault - still annoying".
My impression of the jobs market is that it's a mean old world out there. I work for a large retail company and feel like the top management people have very little idea what is going on at ground level. Reviews say a lot and are relied upon by consumers when making choices and thus should be given more weight...

Hope I post in the right forum!

Sophie_M — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 04:55:02 GMT

Hey Bonavitae,

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult few years and you’re finding it hard to see when things will improve. We’re glad you were able to open up to this community, many of whom may be able to relate to what you’ve been going through.

We’re sorry to hear about the epilepsy you’ve been dealing with, that must be incredibly difficult. We definitely recommend being really open to your doctor about this, and about how you've been feeling. No one should have to feel that way without being able to speak to anyone. If you ever want to talk this through with one of the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach them through Online Chat here (11am-12am AEDT).

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Hope I post in the right forum!

Ggrand — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 05:07:38 GMT

Hello Dear Bonavitae,

A warm and caring welcome to our forums....

I think it would be very hard to have to move back with family members after you’ve had your own independence..

I have an elderly friend (81) and she Rings me each day, sometimes 3-4 times a day to tell me what she has done or thinking of doing...At first it really annoyed me...until I realised that she is lonely and just wants to talk to someone....I praise her for her efforts and chat to her for around 15 minutes, which makes her feel good and that someone cares about her life...which I do a lot..I love her....

Maybe your mother feels lonely, even though both you and your brother plus his gf are living in the same house....Just want to ask you very gently, if any of you interact with your mother each day so she feels loved, care for and heard?...Sorry if that sound uncaring, I don’t mean it too...but with just words it’s hard to express what I’m thinking of..💜🤗..

Is it possible to put a lock on the inside of your door or change the handle to a lockable one, with a key?....that can be deadlocked from the inside ...You would do no damage to the door, because you could change it all back when you leave...it would give you more privacy...

Please dear bonavitea, is it possible to speak to your Dr. about your concerns about you having seizures again...it’s really important to care for you as much as you can...

Finding work is hard at anytime..more so now with COVID now in our lives...I do wish you all the luck I can, that you will find employment and it’s something that you enjoy doing..

Please talk here when you feel up to it...we are here for you, and want to try to help to support you as much as we can...

My kindest thoughts, with my care and best wishes..

Grandy,,,

Hope I post in the right forum!

bonavitae — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 05:57:16 GMT

Yeah, I know there is cognitive decline with age but she has always narrated everything. Almost like she is telling a story for whoever is listening.

Hope I post in the right forum!

tranzcrybe — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 06:19:30 GMT

Okay, I'm going to ignore you for a moment...
Brother sounds very generous taking in mother, and yourself (- gf being sort of his prerogative). There must be quite an impact on household bills, cleaning, meal preparation, or simply getting into the shower (announced or otherwise ;)), along with the stipulated frustrations of being in everyone's personal space.

Now back to you...
I guess it's a case "brother's house, brother's rules" until/unless you have come to some agreement over the terms of your stay - this determines your right to 'quiet enjoyment' for the duration of your residency. Family or not, it is important to set some conditions - your contribution to running the house, your need to give and receive privacy, even the extent to which you will accept caring for your dear mum. None of this should be assumed, and to avoid any misunderstanding/dramas further down the track, best to have this conversation sooner rather than later. If money is an issue, then you will need to pitch in by lending a hand, and just tolerate the impromptu visits (consider it 'fee for service'!); otherwise, your payments afford you certain privileges to the space you occupy and the things you don't need to tolerate - be sure to itemise these.
Such formality sounds impersonal, but it is actually in the interests of maintaining family harmony - your lifestyles are clearly very different and 'regrouping' the family dynamic is improbable (although notionally quite charming).
If this is unacceptable, it may be better to find cheaper accommodation (even find a 'share house' for more objectivity) until you obtain gainful employment again.

Remember, many of your feelings may be misdirected at family in light of your own struggles, so be kind to them and yourself in the process.

Hope I post in the right forum!

bonavitae — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 06:26:41 GMT

It's OK, I didn't read it negatively or get offended.

She (68) has interaction with all of us daily and also speaks to her nieces and other friends regularly. Mum has always been there for me and is loved ☺️♥️.

😳 If I put a lock or something on the door he would explode and I would get the "my house, you don't pay board, you don't like, it get out". Its bad when your own little brother (36 vs 33) scares you!

The neurologist I normal saw here in town moved to Sydney, and the new one refused a telehealth or zoom call saying she needed to see in person but won't do one. My emotional upset and distress was interpreted as intimidating and aggressive. So now I have to drive 200km to see one, or a private one for a few hundred.

Hope I post in the right forum!

bonavitae — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 06:46:46 GMT

He is generous, and there was no issue with money and I was paying him board from the very beginning when I moved in but he told me not to worry about it after a few mths. 2 bathroom so that situation isnt a problem 😋. Food, bills etc i have always contributed too.

I know I sound very insensitive regarding mum and I probably am an arsehole, I am actually her carer. It was me and mum for years after it was "the my house my rules" with dad and kicked both of us out when I was about 15.

The situation is the privacy aspect of her just walking into my room when she feels like it or follows my brother in when he feels like it, and I don't mean like a step or 2, I mean into the centre! Privacy shouldn't be a privilege anyone should have to pay for.

Maybe I am just being inconsiderate. 😔

Hope I post in the right forum!

bonavitae — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 06:59:28 GMT

He is generous, I was paying board and after about 2-3mths he told me not to worry about it. Still contributing to everything else ☺️.

It was always me and mum more or less. From 15yr old when he kicked me out with the "my house my rules" and then told mum to get out as well of she was so worried about me leaving. I am her carer 🙂.

Maybe I am just not considerate. 😒

Hope I post in the right forum!

bonavitae — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 07:03:22 GMT

P.S. - still getting to use to the while delayed posting.

I have replied to a comment or two and didn't realise, thinking it didn't post.

Sorry 😕

Hope I post in the right forum!

tranzcrybe — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 10:52:57 GMT

Ah, thank you - a little more clarity here...
Two comments you made:

"and I would get the 'my house, you don't pay board, you don't like, it get out'. Its bad when your own little brother (36 vs 33) scares you!"
versus -
"it was 'the my house my rules' with dad and kicked both of us out when I was about 15"

- Has brother actually said this to you, or is this an irrational fear derived from the trauma of your father tossing you out? How did your brother handle this at the time?

You have cared for your mother since 15? Has she been with you throughout your career? Your dad had no such authority to throw either of you out - you being a minor, and mother as an equal in the relationship. You have endured much hardship over the years and it sounds like it has taken its toll on you.

I guess "her" refers to brother's girlfriend. Without (or even with) your brother present, that could make things uncomfortable for you, huh?
Maybe a quiet chat with brother would help clear the air and give you more personal space.
If not, as a subtle hint that you want privacy, placing a chair under the door handle will prevent entry while you are in the room.
Alternatively, you might consider having a wander into brother & girlfriend's room at inopportune moments to see if the feeling is mutually reciprocated... 😉

Hope I post in the right forum!

geoff — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 16:51:24 GMT

Hello Bonavitae, a lot has been said so I'll try not to repeat it again.

You could say to your brother that you want to put a lock on the door for personal reasons, that's a fair request, however, they may not accept this, especially if you have epilepsy and may need to help you if a seizure begins.

I only say this because I'm also an epileptic and all my seizures have been when I'm by myself and have no idea when it starts to the time it's over, but know the damage I've caused, but perhaps you could put a front door chain on where anybody can't come in when the door is open or perhaps get a 'stop the door from opening' from a hardware store, then they can't come in.

With old age, people tend to repeat themselves and instead of talking to themselves it develops as talking out aloud, but it's also done to reassure them that their carer knows what they're doing, rather than opening the front door and then going wandering where nobody knows where they are, that's why they need a carer.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hope I post in the right forum!

bonavitae — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 21:52:25 GMT

Sorry I am a bit all over the place and find it hard to verbalise some things.

Yeah, my brother has said this a few times and this is hard to bring up but there have been times he's been violent.

No, I have only been mums carer for the last 4years or so. I was 15 when he kick us out with a few lovely words, which I won't put in. Little Brother stayed with Dad. So it was me and mum for a long time.

Yeah it does refer to his gf and my brother is not a quiet word type guy.

Haha I have considered it, believe me. Walk it at like 2am "sleepwalking" or experiencing an aura, but it would make me would make me just as bad.

Hope I post in the right forum!

Sophie_M — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 23:55:05 GMT

Hi bonavitae,

It sounds like there's been some really dificult moments in the past, and we can imagine that would impact how you're feeling now. We’re really glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here. We hope the amazing words from our community bring you some comfort.

It sounds like it could be really helpful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss the violent behaviour, and to make sure you feel safe following this. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here. There’s always the Beyond Blue counsellors also, on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Hope I post in the right forum!

tranzcrybe — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 01:44:21 GMT

Hey, don't worry about that - it's hard to get your thoughts in order with all that's going on.
So, the family was divided which means brother may have 'inherited' some of your dad's characteristics/beliefs along with his own struggle to reconcile the upheaval - harbored resentment over the years may now be aimed at you (how is he with mother?).

If you feel intimidated, it might be worth finding another place - his refusal to accept board puts you at a disadvantage, possibly as an excuse to be controlling/demanding.

Is mother needing higher care or just the usual niggles of old age? You can have an ACAT assessment to ensure she receives the support she needs. This could take some pressure off you as I am well aware of 'carer fatigue'.

On some level, you might be unreasonable as you have a secure place to stay; and feeling deflated when caring for elderly parents is not being an arsehole. However, it's still a high price you are paying if being forced to endure disrespectful and invasive behaviour aimed at making some point about who is the 'superior' sibling - it sounds a bit toxic, frankly.

Although you know better than I, it might be time to have these issues out in the open with brother - maybe a family discussion for civility - where you can acknowledge past mistakes, restore the balance and move on with some confidence. I'm sure there are many confused emotions needing resolution and a clean slate could signal more openness and understanding into the future.

Hope I post in the right forum!

Stui — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 02:10:45 GMT

Hi bonavitae,

It sounds as though your going through a tough time, it takes courage to reach out so I'm glad you have had the strength to do it. Old people can be a serious annoyance, I know I am one! and I live alone so I talk to myself saying things such as, "What will I have for dinner?", or "Better get to the shops", its a bit of a self narrative but with me there is no one to hear it I can understand how it would annoy others, also she maybe looking to be valued. You are entitled to your privacy and maybe a chat with the others in the house could solve it.

I understand the Epilepsy I have Epilepsy myself what used to be referred to as Grand Mal, I think the name has changed now, it is a cause for concern and given the fact that your sleep is being disturbed it may be contributing to it's return I know it affects mine.

Your not alone even if you feel you are their are always people here happy to talk to you, every day the first day of the rest of your life try to find something in nature to enjoy.