topic I hate my Bipolar Brain in Depression

I hate my Bipolar Brain

black_rose — Wed, 08 Jan 2020 15:12:26 GMT

I hate my brain, I hate having Bipolar and I hate the fact that this mental illness will be with me for as long as I live.

I hate being over sensitive.

I hate that I over react.

I hate that I feel things much deeply than most people.

I just hate my brain and wish sometimes it would just all stop.

Today and for the past few weeks my anxiety has escalated. It's triggered the 'irritability' associated with my Bipolar.

That's the professional term. Iritability, it's such an understatement. It's more like anger and pure rage, that's so difficult to control, you try and keep it to yourself, it's not fair on others. Then your partner says some thing that upsets you, any normal person would shrug it off. It wasn't meant the way it sounded it your head. Then it circles in your brain over and over in your head, slowly becoming this big thing, the next thing you know, you're over reacting you're lashing out at him and being horrid and agressive, all because your stupid brain made some thing out of nothing.

This is the reality of irritability with Bipolar for me.

Today sucked usually I keep it contained better, some days I can talk myself through it, today wasn't one of those. Today was a bad day.

It's not something I am proud of, I'm deeply ashamed of this facet of my personality, something that until just now I realise, I'm so ashamed that I've never told my Dr about this 'dark side' of me. Clearly that needs to change. I need to mention it.

Thanks for just letting vent and get it out.

I hate my Bipolar Brain

white knight — Thu, 09 Jan 2020 12:24:04 GMT

Hi, welcome

Your symptoms are spot on with mine. I’m glad you have vented, better venting here than to your partners ears.

The good news is that as you age those symptoms you will react less to. One day you’ll be sensitive to your partners comment and say to yourself “he didn’t mean it the way I took it”. And move on.

Also, your bipolar is part of you, easier to embrace it than fight it. In some of us we have unique qualities like artistry, entertainment and craft, I have poetry for example. I love it that when down I can write powerful stuff.

We cannot expect others to change their round mannerisms to fit in our square bipolarhole but it would be comforting if they were extra tactful and careful with how they reply to us. Encourage your partner to do this.

Dwelling is another symptom you mention. I use distraction for that.

Are you on medication? I found my fine tuning of meds over 10 years to be crucial to quelling my moods

I have some very relevant threads below that will help you.

Google them and just read the first post

beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity- a connection?

beyondblue topic who cries over spilt milk?

beyondblue topic distraction and variety

beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

beyondblue topic relationship strife, the peace pipe

I hope they help. Reply anytime

TonyWK

I hate my Bipolar Brain

black_rose — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 04:49:21 GMT

Hi WK.

Thanks for your response.

I do take meds and for the most part I am stable. However anxiety can cause things to slip a bit and can take it's toll, also doesn't help I'm female, so we're, some months can be worse than others.

For the most part I've accepted and embraced being Biplar and have become good at distractions, I love writing, although haven't done much these past few years, some thing I intend to change this year, I also colour a lot of the adult colouring pages. I find them relaxing.II also found knitting is another distraction that works well.

I think at the moment to working part time is proving a little more of a challenge, as this is the longest I've remained in the same job for around 10 years, so I'm still trying to find that balance.

For the most part I do ok, but every so often a bad day hits. It's good to have a place to vent for those bad days. 🙂

I hate my Bipolar Brain

white knight — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 05:42:52 GMT

Thanks for replying

I also found tweaking my mood stabilisers to be crucial to my stability

when I worked 2 part time jobs was far better than one full time as that gave me variety and less time working with one group

TonyWK

I hate my Bipolar Brain

quirkywords — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 06:07:34 GMT

black_rose ,

I can relate to what you wrote as I have been living with bipolar for more that 45 years.

like that I am creative and sensitive, I don't like my moods. Right now I am facing a something serious and it is a struggle.

Be kind to yourself.

Quirky

I hate my Bipolar Brain

quirkywords — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 09:15:26 GMT

Black Rose,

There is a thread called This bipolar life. It is full of friendly helpful and supportive people.

Quirky

I hate my Bipolar Brain

black_rose — Fri, 17 Jan 2020 09:41:13 GMT

Thanks WK and Quirky.
I am lucky with my job, I usually only ever work on my own, which is actually a good thing, and at my workplace there are only 2 other workers, so it's good in that sense, I have to admit I prefer working on my own. I have to deal with customers but I have to admit I don't mind, being in a country town most people are pretty polite anyhow.
It's nice to know I'm the only one who get outburst of the angries,
I know what is causing them at the moment, I have a wedding that I have to attend in the next month. My partner is best man and also best friends with the groom. Me and the bride hate each other, I dislike her because I can't stand how she manipulates those around her and in the past has manipulated my partner. She has also disrespected and pushed my boundaries and when I finally told her I didn't appreciate things that were done in my house whilst I was away and my partner was home, she had a go at me telling me to get over it and that I was being stupid because she couldn't see the violated boundaries, since then she has deliberately gone out her way to exclude me and trying to convince my partner to end the relationship because she dislikes me.
Up until recently my partner would just listen and allow her to exclude me because he was afraid of upsetting me. She has basically only invited me to the wedding because she has no other choice.
I'm anxious as to how she's deliberately going to attempt to exclude me and make it known, for example seating me and partner separately because he is best man yet allowing her bridesmaid's to sit with theirs, making him dance the first dance with the same woman he had an affair with 2 years ago.
She is exactly this kind of woman and would do it to get a rise out me so she can say to everyone that I am a monster who ruined her day, I've asked my partner to back me up and he's promised he will but in the past he has caved to avoid upsetting her.
My anxiety relates to this specifically, I am sick of my partner upsetting me to keep her happy and it's come down to this, if my partner does this again it will be it for us, it's basically come down to the point where I can't keep having this done to me and if fails to have my back this time it really will be the end for us.
So naturally this uncertainty is causing a great amount of stress and anxiety for me.

I hate my Bipolar Brain

white knight — Fri, 17 Jan 2020 11:47:02 GMT

I read you loud and clear Black_rose

It must be hard for your partner, he has his close friendship to risk so would feel like the meat in the sandwich. I would, if I was you, protect that friendship he has with his friend no matter what.

So, over many years I've trimmed my friendships to exclude toxic people, even my mother and that was 10 years ago. Toxic- what is that definition? Well it can be someone with mental illness that does not get treatment and has a huge effect on my own health. It could be a manipulating person, a selfish person, a swindler etc. But commonly it is hard to separate them because new people that come into our lives- their true self doesnt emerge early so we get hurt when we have to dismiss them as toxic.

So BR, I have threads on this topic, written as a bipolar person that found ways to survive life easier by putting in boundaries for self protection.

Use google and read the first post of each thread-

Beyondblue topic depression and toxic people

Beyondblue topic vulnerable- be ready to defend

Beyondblue topic Depression triggers

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival part 2

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival (workplace)

Beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity- a connection?

Beyondblue topic bullying - how to tackle it

Let me know how you go.

TonyWK

I hate my Bipolar Brain

black_rose — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 06:59:27 GMT

Hi WK,

I get exactly what you saying and wherever I can I do my best to protect his friendship and actively encourage it.

However after being together for 8 years and her carrying for the 4 years, I've said something needs to change.

She knows he can't say much, because she's the kind of woman that would say well you two can't speak anymore, she knows this too and plays up to it and uses it to her advantage wherever possible. So much to the point the she will now invite him to a party and tell him specifically not to bring me, he is only to come, I am not wanted (but please don't tell me, just to tell me I'm clingy)...

I have mentioned to him that I am not looking for him to have an argument with her or anything that could damage his relationship with his mate, I am just asking that instead of him agreeing and then saying to me you can't come but I'm going, that for a change instead say something along the lines, "well I'm sorry but if my partner's not welcome then I won't be attending either, as I want my partner with me'

More than anything I'm just asking him to have my back more, she doesn't like me that's fine, I don't like her much either, however I would never be rude to her face, I was taught to be more respectful that that. But I was also taught that even if you dislike someone's partner you do not deliberately exclude them from social functions as that in itself is disrespectful both people, that you accept that they are a couple.

Lately I've been trying to get him to understand that her unwanted attitudes and comments about our relationship are rude and hurtful and the fact that he also allows it is causing damage to our relationship as I do not feel like a partner to him, that sometimes I feel more like a burden.

I have also explained that I am not trying to come in the way of his friendship, but there are small things he can say or do, that can politely but firmly let her know that she needs to stop with her antics and to stop trying to interfere with our relationship.

He has agreed that her treatment of me is unfair, which is a start and has also agreed that he does need to start having my back more, and has finally started to see things a little more from my perspective.

I have also been getting him to put himself in my shoes and ask how he would feel if it was one of my friends who did it to him, and ask if he'd be hurt, which he admitted he would be and at the very least would expect me to say something.

I hate my Bipolar Brain

black_rose — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 07:01:04 GMT

Sorry not sure if I'm making much sense, my anxiety is playing up again as I just dropped him off for the bucks night... and he is staying overnight.... so my anxiety has kicked in, wondering what her comments will be to him behind my back this time.

Bleh...

I hate my Bipolar Brain

black_rose — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 14:18:52 GMT

Anxiety won't abate, depression creeps in. I'm tired and exhausted, as usual I can't sleep.

Suprinsly the freight train thundering through my head stops, it's hit depression.

Feel horrible, I hate feeling like this, I hate what it does to me how it affects those around me, I hate, sometimes think they're better off without me, instead I'll become a hermit, no people, just me and my two little puppers, they get me through, they need me and I then. Sometimes they really are my reason to keep going.

Just to add, I am fine, just down, in a few days I'll pick myself dust myself off and keep going, I'm a tough ol' git

I hate my Bipolar Brain

therising — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 20:37:31 GMT

Hi black_rose

Whilst sensitivity can feel like a curse at times, it can actually serve as a gift (believe it or not). The trouble is that the 'gift' aspect goes best with a healthy level of self esteem. Yes, it's a tricky thing. Give you some examples:

Sensitive people can be very sensitive to subtle manipulation from others. This is known as 'reading people'. Some have this natural ability. Less sensitive folk will often tell you to 'Toughen up' rather than be more sensitive themselves. They won't acknowledge the benefits of reading people who have good intentions and not so good
Sensitive people are sensitive to the rise and fall of energy in their body: When the call to courage arises in a sensitive person, they will feel it in the solar plexus area before it rises to the chest area then throat, before some slight pressure in the head can sometimes develop. A less sensitive person won't feel the subtle shift. I know this sounds a bit weird but folk who are highly sensitive to a rise or build up of courage will recognise the feelings take a particular path through the body
Sensitive people are sensitive to others not having their back. A sensitive person will question and/or not see the sense in people sitting back, when the call is for them to step up. Frustration! A less sensitive person will not want to rise to a challenge that creates conflict in their life. This can be a problem for 2 reasons, 1) rising to challenges is how we develop and 2) rising to challenges, especially for others, is how community is strengthened

This list goes on.

Personally, I suffered through 15 or so years of depression up until a number of years back. Hard to believe but it was my sensitivity that actually led me to where I am today. There are the occasional days where I feel like bashing my head against a wall when I witness certain behaviour in others: As less sensitive or less thoughtful folk can quiet easily swing my moods, I try to remain a conscious observer of their behaviour, unless there's a need to speak up. I often observe that they are simply less sensitive and less conscious of what it takes to evolve beyond what doesn't serve them self or those around them.

You are a highly conscious person, very tuned into your natural feelings. Others could learn from you but unfortunately refuse to. Easier said than done, I know, but don't let them bring you down. I imagine you have many other sensitive traits. You perhaps simply haven't come to recognise them yet.

🙂

I hate my Bipolar Brain

black_rose — Sat, 01 Feb 2020 15:02:50 GMT

Hi therising, thank you for you kind words.

I am most definitely a sensitive person, probably one of the most sensitive people around. I feel things so much more than the average person, and can even read between the lines of what some people see as mere chat and can see the underlying meaning in it.

Mostly I do see my sensitivity as a gift, being in tune with emotions and others intent can be quite wonderful at times, other times it's just hard.

All my life I was demeaned, laughed at and ostracized for being sensitive, growing up my sisters taunted me to watch me cry, people would tell my mum I was a spoilt baby and that I just needed a firmer hand to toughen me up. I have to confess sometimes I surprised it stayed, other times, most times I am thankful, it has given me a different perspective on life.

The past month I've had no choice to deal with energy vampires, and people who have little regard for others feelings, and it makes it hard. So much to the point if burning out. Thankfully in just over a week this will all be settled and I can avoid the need to deal with these people for some time and I can finally recharge these frazzled batteries and hermit around more, and also plan to spend more time with my other half who has had to put up with me this past month.

Honestly I don't think he quite gets what being a sensitive person is like, but he's started to pay more attention to things and has started noticing the smaller things, after I began pointing things out and has slowly started to become more aware and slowly I think beginning to understand just how complex and unique I am, and how much of a good thing it can be.

I hate my Bipolar Brain

therising — Sat, 01 Feb 2020 21:16:15 GMT

Hi black_rose

I wonder if you've ever considered looking into the spiritual (non religious) aspects of sensitivity. I know this is not everyone's cup of tea yet it can be an incredibly empowering aspect of life for highly sensitive people. Whilst some may refer to spirituality as 'all that weirdo sh*$' (I'm smiling by the way), I love this angle as a way of coming to know the natural self, within a sometimes unnatural environment. Give you one example:

When highly sensitive people may become overwhelmed sitting in a food court at lunch time, this is typically seen by many folk as a 'dysfunctional weakness'. People may not understand why the intolerance occurs. From a different perspective, a highly sensitive person who relies on their sensitivities in order to read subtle messages may experience sensory information overload. When there is a massive amount of information coming in at once, it can become overwhelming. In truth, there is not a single thing wrong with the sensitive person in this case, it is simply either not the place for them or there are no skills taught in regard to mastering the situation.

Often, sensitive people will have a lot of skills or abilities they may not recognise within them self. Some will be obvious whereas others may be subtle. A few examples:

The natural ability to read people fairly easily
The natural ability to channel inspiration. Not sure if you've ever experienced this but you can be sitting there thinking about finding the solution to a problem (sometimes to the point of stress) before you suddenly find your brain relaxing into a state of daydreaming. Whilst daydreaming and not thinking, suddenly the solution comes to you and you may be left wondering 'Where did that come from?' By the way, just about every sensitive person I've ever met is a natural daydreamer
The natural ability to connect with other people's emotions

In the world of 'the crazy people' (practitioners of spirituality or the natural self), these aspects are not only celebrated as strengths, there is also a myriad of information when it comes to fine tuning these natural abilities in order to avoid the sufferance that can come with ridicule. So, whilst one person can label you as 'clingy' when it comes to your partner, you will understand 'deeply connected' to be a more fulfilling description.

By the way, I've discovered that by observing the energy vampires more, I am able to read them at a deeper level (why they behave the way they do).

🙂

I hate my Bipolar Brain

GenR — Fri, 02 Apr 2021 06:07:04 GMT

What a really awful time you've been having, black_rose - reading thru all the posts (and this being over 12mth later - and after a covid year.)

I too have Bipolar (II) and it's pretty crap that it's a chronic illness we can never be cured of.

Really hope by now you've shared all that "dark stuff" with your doctor and remember, you are really not alone in being in that kind of space - it's amazing how very dark your thinking, your feelingS can be and just where you head can end up. For me it's the image of an impossibly deep well I'm at the bottom of where no light can reach and impossible to climb out. I reckon there is much more that the right meds can do for you and your symptoms than at present. Even taking the edge off some of that anxiety.

Sometimes I just want to hate myself, it seems like all I can do and temporarily makes me feel better (I get to hate the unwell me).

I think the boundary issues you raised - and especially the later insight into the extremely understandable reason why you would feel such rage (and made so much sense of what you called aggressive). I think trimming toxic friendships is an excellent idea. At times I've chosen to end certain friendships where I feel I'm putting so much more in.

I don't know how things are going over a year later with that cow of a woman - or with her marriage and partner for that matter... Drawing boundaries around your relationship is important for BOTH of you to do. Ultimately, at core, a deep strongly committed romantic-sexual relationship is to the exclusion of all others. You have friends and family etc outside your "couple circle" but if friendships for one partner or the other start to interfere in your relationship then it is high time that partner set very clear boundaries with that friend, at the least, if not end that friendship. It can feel like a risk to raise these things with your partner, for sure, but it also raises questions for your partner about the level of importance they give to your relationship... And fully standing up for you as being worthy of committed love can also be empowering... As I say, I wonder how her new husband is feeling about the whole thihg.. I almost called off my relationship with my future husband because of boundary issues with his mum. It was slow but he did make changes and was more assertive with her. My psychiatrist was a great advocate.

Re: I hate my Bipolar Brain

quirkywords — Thu, 05 Jan 2023 11:10:55 GMT

Genr and everyone reading ,

it is interesting reading everyone’s experience.
as you can see it it nearly 2 years since the last person replied.
if you like you could start your own post or look at this bipolar life thread.

Re: I hate my Bipolar Brain

197543 — Mon, 11 Dec 2023 16:22:58 GMT

I just want to let you know that you arent alone. I suffer with the bipolar rage and I absolutely explode., taking everything out of proportion and retaliate like an explosion devil. I'd I'm not doing that I am spitting out my words as nasty as my mouth will allow. The worst part is I know it's wrong but I'm unable to stop it or control it. I never knew that this is what the symptoms "irritability" referred to. I'd ut is, it's certainly an understatement! I lived undiagnosed and treated intil I was 46 and I have been with my husband for 21 yesterday and honestly, aftwr what I've put him through I'm surprised we are still together. You see, he was always the object of my hissy fits. I try not to feel guilty or shame as I now know it's not me but the bipolar controlling be. I'm a big advocate of taking responsibility for your actions which is why , when diagnosedsed I too action to help myself and nip it in the bud. Since I started my antosychotics, yes, I have s temper,t my temper but no where I was.

Re: I hate my Bipolar Brain

quirkywords — Tue, 12 Dec 2023 11:14:48 GMT

197543

thanks for your honesty.

i too believe in taking responsibility for me and my actions. I doesn’t 16 years in denial from mid 70s to early 1990s. I blamed my family. Society and Drs,