topic Desperate to get off the hamster wheel in Depression

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Thu, 02 May 2019 12:59:27 GMT

Hi, I am new here. I have lived with depression for decades and have been on medication for the past 15 years. I work in the health industry and have worked in the mental health sector in the past. I am reaching out because I feel I have run out of options. Every single aspect of my life is problematic. My financial situation is stressful, my current work is monotonous, my teen child needs me to be strong as he has both physical & mental health issues, I have no interest in socialising, my partner doesn't understand and isn't really supportive; he also doesn't lift a finger around the house, I am constantly tired. I feel that I need everything to stop so I can just rest. I have had ad hoc time off work this year (and I only work part time) and if I keep it up I won't have a job to go back to. I feel chained to my desk and computer and I clock watch all day until I can get out of that office. To add insult to injury, the commute is over an hour each way. Work will be relocating very soon so that commute will increase to 2 hours each way. Boss is a true workaholic and does not take kindly to people having time off. I have had debt since splitting from my husband almost a decade ago and I need to work to pay it off. I have actually decided to sell my home in order to clear all my debt because I can no longer manage the stress of it. I have applied for a few jobs but have found that I am overlooked these days due to my age, despite the fact I am more than qualified. Truth is, I need time out from work. I have worked in the health sector for more than 30 years and I am completely & utterly worn out. I can't manage any of this anymore but can't afford time out. I don't know what to do. I have seen numerous psychologists in the past but nothing is actually helping me to cope day to day. I have lived with so much stress for so many years but I now feel like I am really buckling under the weight of it all.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

geoff — Thu, 02 May 2019 16:25:48 GMT

Hi Christa, haven't heard from you for a long time and will get back to you.

My best.

Geoff.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Fri, 03 May 2019 01:36:34 GMT

Thanks Geoff.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

geoff — Fri, 03 May 2019 17:45:40 GMT

Hi Christa, may I ask if you sell your home, you will have enough money to pay all of your debts.

It sounds to me as though you need to have a rest and to have a partner who doesn't understand what you are going through and who doesn't help around the house, is he contributing towards groceries or utilities, and sorry to be asking because maybe this isn't helping you.

We sometimes feel like we want to run away from everything and starting from scratch can seem very appealing, however, running away from everything isn’t usually an option or the answer because where ever you go any type of depression will always follow you.

Sometimes when we spend too much time around too many people, we can’t think clearly so we feel the need to escape and to be alone, this is actually the best time to talk with your doctor and/or psychologist who you can share the load you struggling with.

In any situation when mental illness is involved, we feel as though we're locked in a room all by ourselves with only a slight crack to allow who we want to let in, but never be afraid to share your problems, there are people who can help you.

My best.

Geoff.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Sat, 04 May 2019 03:47:29 GMT

Thank you very much Geoff for taking the time to reply and for your kind and wise words of advice. To answer your questions, yes, I will be able to completely clear my debts and be able to live somewhere cheaper. I have been thinking about moving to a regional city for a long time as I have relatives there and to not have the stress of debt that I can never get on top of is very appealing. My partner is great financially, there is no problem there as far as he's concerned, (our finances are separate) but he just doesn't seem to understand mental health issues. He's a hard worker & being an older man, I think has the attitude that I would say he was brought up with, which is to just keep a stiff upper lip & keep on going. He is not happy with his work either, but he doesn't take time off & thinks that I shouldn't either. I think he also believes that because he works full time & I work part time, then I should be doing the housework. Also, because he provides more financially, I think he expects that I should do the housework. I don't expect him to do even 50% as he is out of the house for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, but I think he should contribute something. I think too, that his lack of contribution makes me feel unsupported by him and that's why it gets to me so much. I often have little energy and even less motivation to do much so housework over & above the basics is not top of my 'to get done' list.

I appreciate being able to share my problems here because I don't feel comfortable sharing with friends or family. I feel 'not ok' so often and I don't want to burden any family or friends with that.

I am definitely finding as time goes on, that I feel less able to tolerate noise or being around others for long. It takes an effort to socialise. I crave alone time these days and complete silence, which I am lucky enough to have one day a week.

You are right in saying I need to have a rest. I feel this is true. A mental rest. I feel over-burdened by stressors and feel I have to manage them on my own, which I actually do. It is how to get that rest that is the problem.

Thanks for your reply, Geoff.

Christa

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

geoff — Sat, 04 May 2019 23:14:03 GMT

Hi Christa, thanks for getting back to me.

By selling your house and clearing your debts is a great way to progress, you can start again, that's what happened to me when my ex divorced me, I was struggling mentally and financially and under a great deal of pressure, so the house was sold and my debts paid off.

I thought I'd rent just for a short time and then buy, but I'm still renting after almost 20 years.

Remember the old debate rent or buy, well interest rates are low, but you still have to pay house rates, maintenance, sewage etc, 6 of one and 6 of another.

Even though your partner contributes, I can understand him working 12 hour shifts, but you still work, clean, cook and all the other chores a person needs to do around the house, that's also traumatic and makes you feel exhausted, I'm sorry you are and adding on these debts you have to find the money for, that's a terrible feeling.

Country life is fantastic, 5 mins to the shops and 5 mins to an appointment, with no trouble in finding a parking spot, I'd never move back to Melbourne.

It may take you a little time to adjust, but debt free is great.

Hope to hear back from you, and I'm sorry if I'm a bit late in replying, but I will.

Best care.

Geoff.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Sun, 05 May 2019 02:08:59 GMT

Thanks for replying, Geoff.

Yes, debt free would be such a load off my shoulders. Selling would also give me the breathing space to leave this job where I am chained to a desk and micro-managed. I feel so caged in and dumbed down in my current job. I have been there almost 5 years now & honestly, I don't know how I have lasted this long. It has been through pure determination, I think, as the mortgage needs to be paid. Always the doubt in the back of my mind though about getting another job, particularly as I'm not getting any younger. The last job I went for, I didn't get despite being well qualified and another job I applied for, I was not even offered an interview.

I am, however, feeling slightly more hopeful today. Just need this feeling to last so I can get stuff done & move on with things.

How are you going? How are things with you?

Regards,

Christa.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

geoff — Sun, 05 May 2019 18:15:37 GMT

Hi Christa, the pressure of having to pay your mortgage is always a great concern, so a couple of things, do you have any equity in your house loan, if you do, then that would take the pressure off you.

You can also approach your bank and tell them that it's going to be sold, they will give you some leverage.

Is your partner happy for you to sell and move to the country?

I'm good and thanks for asking, just can't believe how quickly the days are going, even my sons agree, maybe the earth is spinning quicker.

Take care.

Geoff.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Mon, 06 May 2019 10:09:36 GMT

Hi Geoff

Yes, I have equity so all good there. I have decided to contact the bank & tell them just that & see what they can do. My partner is happy to move.

I agree, the world is moving faster & faster. I am glad you are well & appreciate your words of wisdom.

Christa

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

monkey_magic — Mon, 06 May 2019 11:38:33 GMT

Hi Christa1,

Hope you don't me chiming in but as a job searcher I just wanted to say how tough it can be out there. Some people apply for hundreds of jobs. I've personally been rejected a lot too but I just keep trying. I have a casual job & centrelink so Im ok but it is hard to crack other opportunities so don't give up ok.

But....

Just reading back to your first post it sounds like you want a rest more than anything. Do your best to de-stress as the most important thing is your health.

I swim to de-stress. Others breath, read, listen to music..do mindfulness that sort of thing.

Housework sucks. Listening to music while doing it helps me along. As for your partner it would be disheartening for you to have him not lift a finger. I feel for you there.

Anyhow hope you are feeling less stressed 🙂

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Tue, 07 May 2019 08:07:58 GMT

Thank you MM. I welcome you taking the time to 'chime in', thank you.

I do de-stress. I usually have one day a week to myself in silence. I like to read as well and am currently knitting, which does ground me (must be the repetitive action). I like swimming but baulk at being seen in a cossie these days.

Thank you for your words of advice, MM. I hope you are well?

Regards,

Christa

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

monkey_magic — Wed, 08 May 2019 00:49:44 GMT

Hi Christa,

Thanks for hoping that I'm well. Yes, the dreaded cossy. I'm a larger person but do it anyway lol.

It's really good that you take time out for yourself too and ground yourself.

Life is very busy for a lot of people. I've been forced to slow down due to pain in my feet and a back injury.

And I moved back in with mum ( I'm 36 ) for an easier lifestyle. I don't pay rent just help out with bills. Family have been my saving grace.

Hope your day isn't too hard today.

All the best,

MMx

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Wed, 08 May 2019 12:13:12 GMT

Thanks MM.

I'm glad you're well.

Thank heavens for family, hey? My mum is my only real support as she is the only one I feel comfortable talking with about what goes on for me & I don't even tell her how low my lows get. She lives on the other side of the country though.

I'm sorry to hear you have pain. It can be a real drag. I am almost 20 years older than you & due to being on my feet in the health system since the year you were born as well as steadily gaining weight over recent years, my knees & ankles are sore and swollen by the end of the day. My ankle tendons are damaged. My current job is pretty much desk bound though, so I can manage.

I'm glad things are easier for you living with your mum and that you have the family support you need.

Take care,

Christa

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

geoff — Wed, 08 May 2019 17:34:39 GMT

Hi Christa and MM, I'm sorry for the both of you, isn't getting old something we never expected to happen, we always thought that everything would be OK, only old people get old, not us.

It just happens overnight.

Take care.

Geoff.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

monkey_magic — Fri, 10 May 2019 01:14:05 GMT

Yup,

When we are young we just can't picture ourselves old then I guess it just happens almost overnight. One of life's progressions. I hope it isn't too hard on you Geoff.

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

Christa1 — Fri, 10 May 2019 10:45:33 GMT

You're right, Geoff. Happens sooner than expected. I think physical ageing sux.

Christa

Desperate to get off the hamster wheel

geoff — Fri, 10 May 2019 18:30:28 GMT

Hi MM and Christa, you tell young folk to do whatever they can while they're young and fit because one day they will wake up facing the fact that they've suddenly got old.

They don't believe us, no different to how we felt we were young and when our g/mother used to say 'oh my hip is so sore I can't bend down to pick the newspaper up I've just dropped', we always thought it can't happen to me, I'm fit and strong.

We are dealt with by a hand of cards, we aren't sure what lies under them, whether we'll get a royal flush, a good life, or a bad hand of cards, a not so good life.

Best wishes.

Geoff.