topic It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis... in Depression

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Sun, 17 May 2020 15:44:24 GMT

I still feel the same overwhelming full body mental pain. It is so familiar now. I'm just more comfortable and accepting of it I guess. I feel it now till it passes or I just seem to get on the next day or push it into the background. It is still there though. I let myself feel it when I have the luxury or maybe I have the control now to decide to let it have it's moment. I use anti anxiety meds to push it away when I need to. It's okay until a life event happens and then I have less control. I listened to the podcast "No feeling is final" today which reminded me of everything I've been through. I needed an online chat but they close at midnight so I'm here. I think I have to accept this is my life. I guess I've become pretty good at dealing with that. That full body pain still gets me. Does anyone know what I mean? I remember this feeling as young as primary school but was diagnosed at age 19. Im 44 now. Wow that's a long time. It is amazing that I am still here and working and seeming normal (hopefuly) in my daily life mostly. I haven't thought about my years in mental hospital for some time but felt like talking about it again if anyone out there is listening. I feel like confessimg thay I m not "cured" I am still mentaly unwell. Just a practised expert at hiding.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Tay100 — Sun, 17 May 2020 23:59:10 GMT

Hi Elsie77

Thanks for reaching out- we are a caring space and we welcome your thoughts.

It sounds like you are feeling a little down, resigned to some of the feelings you are going through, including the full body pain. We hear you- that must be frustrating and overwhelming. I'm sorry to hear you couldn't reach anyone last night. Is there someone you can reach out to in real life? We can also chat in this thread. We are here to listen- including about the years you had in the mental hospital. Check back with us if you like.

Tay100

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Mon, 18 May 2020 15:24:00 GMT

Thank you Tay. Another night tonight like last night. Waiting for meds to help. Hoping I can work tomorrow on little sleep and high anxiety. Lots of waves of crying and full body emotions. Headache and too many thoughts. Feel I can't reach out in real life it is all too much and the floodgates need to remain shut.. Fortnightly appts with the psychiatrist who knows the situations contributing to all of this at the moment but otherwise the feelings are mine to go alone with. My partner is too inside his own stress to help and likewise I can't be there for him , only in a limited sense because my own pain is too much. My energy in the day is just enough keep my kids and job as unaffected as possible. Thanks for listening. I miss being single and sick and in hospital sometimes. I just need a rest.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Sophie_M — Mon, 18 May 2020 15:35:12 GMT

Hey Elsie77, we're glad to see you back on the forums tonight.

Although, we're sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment. It sounds like you're in a really tough space and we know things are made even harder when we don't have family or friends there to support us. Could you tell us a bit more about what's been happening and how long you've been feeling this way? Is there anything you can do for yourself right now? Something that’s enjoyable or relaxing? We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

cake-o-saurus — Mon, 18 May 2020 16:40:33 GMT

Hi Elsie!

I was kind of happy to see your post, not happy that I am glad you are feeling so bad, but happy to see someone else just struggling with the idea of, yeah my life might never be 100% OK. Well who knows right? And I hope you have a lot of joy waiting for you, I know you do cause like you said no feeling lasts forever. But it's nice to be honest about the struggle. I am honestly really impressed you can keep going and working and seeming normal. I guess to me that's just an amazing achievement.

I know what you mean when you say you just want a rest. Like you are doing so much to keep everything going and I hope there are things in your life you can do that make you feel that resting feeling. I like colouring in and drawing with crayons but I am sure you have your own things that can soothe you and bring you comfort. I know you have a lot of responsibilities but if you need someone to say it to you: "don't feel guilty about taking the time you can to rest!" I hope you find some time for yourself during this time. ❤️ sending love.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

therising — Mon, 18 May 2020 22:34:23 GMT

Hi Elise77

My heart goes out to you as you face overwhelming challenge. In recalling my 15 years or so in depression, I can remember one of the most depressing thoughts being 'Will this ever end?' Such wondering can be undeniably torturous, until we do come out. Finally out, I found myself on a quest for greater self understanding. I came across a book that may serve you well: 'Becoming Supernatural', by Dr Joe Dispenza (an amazing guy). It is a mind/body/spirit book but with a stunning difference; he puts it in the format of neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics. May sound a little challenging but, believe me, Dispenza is a master at making such topics easily relateable to the lay person. Basically, the book is about how energies interact - mental, physical and natural energy (the energetic nature of things). There are some incredible stories of change in there.

Sounds like you already know to some degree how your body and mind naturally interact, based on the comment 'Lots of waves of crying and full body emotions. Headache and too many thoughts'. You're one of the few people I've ever come across who has eluded to emotion being a physical experience. Most regard emotion as mental. You feel the energy in motion throughout your body. Chronically fatiguing the energy systems in our body (lymphatic, circulatory, nervous etc) can be exhausting, so no wonder you feel exhausted. I'm wondering if you've ever looked into natural ways to calm your energy/systems. While breathing exercises that focus largely on the out breath (the releasing breath) can be helpful, the practice of Tai Chi is more about balance (release and restore). Tai Chi works best with a good imagination, being able to imagine energy as it flows in and out, otherwise you're just moving your body about to various exercises (kind of a pointless exercise).

Anytime we release, such as with crying, this is good. It's a release of tension. We feel exhausted after a lengthy cry because we've exhausted tension. This feeling is naturally meant to put us into relaxed mode. It's interesting how observing and managing the body's emotion can begin to influence the mind. It's not enough just to observe physical emotion, it's something to be understood and mastered in a number of ways. Our body gives us a lot of amazing cues. If you google 'Mastering the body's emotion' it may give you some ideas to work with.

It's said that the body stores mental emotion. We don't realise it until we begin to feel it.

🙂

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Tay100 — Thu, 21 May 2020 02:48:36 GMT

Hi Elise77,

Thanks for checking back in- what you said about just needing a rest, a break, actually resonates with me. Especially during these times where it so hard to be productive. I'm sorry you have struggled to reach out to your partner or anyone else in real life- does the psychiatrist sessions provide you with any relief?

Sending kindness,

Tay100

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Sun, 24 May 2020 16:37:51 GMT

I so much appreciate everyone's comments. I have been forced into rest as I am now in hospital with asthma. Not looking after myself and
not eating properly,forgetting my preventors, increased smoking (by that I mean 5 or 6 smokes a day rather than two). All symptoms of my stress have contributed to picking up a virus, confirmed not covid! and now am in hospital so the rest I needed has happened albeit not under ideal circumstances. Of course that means I am on steroids which then affect my sleep and moods and I now have more time to stew over my worries. My psychiatrist is very helpful and sometimes feels like the only voice of reason in my life so I am very happy with him. It is tough right now. My life problems include my Dad having cancer (we havemt seen him ince his diagnosis because of covid) and an upcoming family court hearing with my partner's ex concerning his children whom I love as much as my own. Trying desperately for this not to affect our two kids and now they re missing me as I am in hospital. My seven year old cried as we said goodbye. My 10 year old is being very brave. It is a heartbreaking time.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

therising — Sun, 24 May 2020 21:22:37 GMT

Hi Elise77

From the heart, I'm wishing a speedy recovery for you and one that brings you the ability to leave the hospital with a new powerful perspective. I'm wondering if you can request speaking to someone while you're in there, who can help with some of the mental well being challenges. With an inability to sleep, it's important the staff treat this as a factor that impacts your mental health further. Also wondering if you have anyone who can help set up a video connection between you and the kids while you're in there.

Look forward to hearing of your progress.

Take care

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Tue, 26 May 2020 03:46:30 GMT

I spoke to my psychiatrist today. I suggested that my asthma flare was linked to my stress levels to which he replied the equivalent of the word duh. He didn't use that word, I can't remember exactly what he said but he has quite a way with words lol. Anyways the crux of the matter is that the current events in my life are making me physically ill. I have been reminded regularly of the severity of asthma. In short, it kills. My challenge now, to separate my mind from the events in my life that I can't change. I actually do have the ability to potentially have an impact on my family's situation and i want to keep trying but it is not guaranteed and I may keep making myself sick in the process. I continue to have attaks of rapid breathing, crying, that choking neck feeling that comes with panic, shaking, confusion, memory loss. Nurses here are aware and I have medication if needed. Breathing my way through the day. I know many on this site understand exactly what I'm talking about! I'll keep you posted...

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

therising — Tue, 26 May 2020 07:28:02 GMT

Hi Elsie

Glad to hear you've got some really helpful folk around you at the moment.

Not sure if it helps any but I've come to realise, through a bit of natural observation of myself and the people I know on top of a bit of interesting research here and there, that we can sometimes work in not just a biological or psychological sense but also in a sense that connects our mind and body in a natural kind of logical way. Separating our mind from the events we can't change can mean separating our self from different aspects of dis-ease (unease). Definitely a challenge, to change our perception and our relationship with dis-ease.

Do you feel like all your stressors have become overwhelming or suffocating? You just can't seem to catch your breath?
Do you feel like all you want to do is vent (aka cry)?
Do you feel like your stressors are gradually choking the life out of you? Do you just want to scream but you can't? Do you feel like there's so much you really want to say to various people, to give them a bit of a shake up, but you can't for one reason or another?
Is everything shaking you up to the point of confusion or disorientation?
Would you prefer to just forget everything and catch your breath for a while?

I hope you get the break you need while you're in hospital. Without a doubt, you deserve the time out and to have people caring for you.

Take care 🙂

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Tue, 26 May 2020 11:06:15 GMT

Answers to those questions? Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. As to looking after me? I couldn't remember the last time I properly washed my hair and I've washed it twice now in two days. I went down to the pharmacy /gift shop and bought myself some nice shampoo and body wash. That's progress!!

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Tay100 — Fri, 29 May 2020 01:13:24 GMT

Hi Elsie77

Cheers for checking back with us, we appreciate you being here.

I'm glad to hear of your progress- I hope you enjoy using the hair and skincare products. What made you able to get this point? How can you maintain it? How does this progress make you feel? For example, I feel great when I overcome something and I try and repeat the good habits that got me there so I can stay in that good mental headspace.

These are just some things you can consider and resonate as you move forward, feel free to let us know- we'll be here to keep up with how you are travelling, too. For example, I feel great when I overcome something and I try and repeat the good habits that got me there so I can stay in that good mental headspace.

Sending kindness,

Tay100.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Sun, 09 May 2021 11:28:58 GMT

Just checking in to say my mother's day was not good. I was spoken to in a way that made me cry multiple times and accused of being abusive multiple times in front of the kids did not fight back as to protect the kids from witnessing arguing. I'm sick with asthma nd trying to stay well enough to get to work and get the kids to school. I don't want to leave the kids if I have to go to hospital. My partner says I have been abusing him and I am being mental. I know this is coersive control, flipping the script and gaslighting. I'm not leaving.my physical safety is not under threat. I just have to tell someone so here you are. Thanks for listening. Writing a document of all things that happened today in a word document on my phone. Psychologist tomorrow who is new and not gelling with him but better than nothing

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

geoff — Mon, 10 May 2021 22:53:32 GMT

Hello Elsie, just wondering how your appointment went with this psychologist because your post involves a lot of issues, so we would like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Fri, 14 May 2021 17:44:33 GMT

My psychologist was good. He gave me some stratagies and allowed me to vent. He gave me a rational perspective of what was going on. He reminded me to take care of my physical health as well. I pushed through with work but went to see the asthma specialist from work Thursday. I am very sick with asthma and on high steroid dose which I now have to start coming down from. I'm scared because this usually triggers anxiety and depression which makes everything so much more difficult. Again I don't want to go to hospital because I disagree with how harsh my partner is on our kids he says I am pandering to them and his parenting is right. I'm not talking about abuse of the kids don't get me wrong, I just mean little girl wants cuddles and then drink of water then anotjer cuddle and calls out from bedroom multiple times when going to sleep. I go into her every time. He just yells go to sleep and tells me not to. I can't stand it and go in anyway. I get out of breath very easily and need to stay in bed. Its actually very scary with severe asthma and the drugs cause anxiety which cause breathing rate to speed up which causes asthma and it is a cycle. I thought I needed hospital but then took a anxiety med which slowed down my breathing and I was okay again. If I had taken ventolin it would have increased my anxiety. I need support and care from my partner when I am sick and I'm not being looked after and feel very alone. I just am so sad that I am getting "what do you want" yelled angrily or "I've come all the way to the bedroom just for you" sarcastically. Im so sad that I am on my own. You just need to be looked after sometimes no matter how grown up you are. My kids are old enough to come and keep me company and bring me a glass of water. I just hope as I reduce the dose daily over the next week that the asthma will calm down and I will be able to cope. I am under pressure to be at school teachimg on Monday. My students have concerts coming up and how they play reflects on my teaching. If I miss any more lessons I also lose money and potential respect form parent a and staff on how good a teacher I am. My kids need me. On the other hand u just want to go it o hospital and be cared for. If my mental state declines hospital is not an option. My heather cover does not cover psychiatric as it once did and I have no confidence in the state system. Private mental hospitals used to be my safe haven. That was before kids. Life is far more complicated now.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

geoff — Fri, 14 May 2021 18:47:36 GMT

Hello Elsie, and a warm welcome to the forums.

My sister has the same problem as you do, having asthma since she was a young girl, and after seeing so many different doctors, finally has found one that has been able to help her, with different types of medication, but now when anxiety and stress increase you react differently to the triggers that your asthma causes and it may become worse.

Fortunately, she has a good husband and says that this new medication has been able to provide her with a new life.

Sometimes psychiatrist's bulk bill and wonder whether you have used 'the mental health plan', which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year, although you maybe entitled to more sessions, your doctor will be able to inform you.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Lilith16 — Fri, 21 May 2021 01:20:46 GMT

Are you sure about this with psychiatrists? I thought the mental health plan only covered psychologist, which is for20 sessions now.
in well over 20 years of being involved with the mental health system, I’ve never come across a psychiatrist that bulk bills. That’s fantastic if you have.

It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 13:02:41 GMT

There are a select few. The two long term ones that I have had were doing it out of a sense of wanting to provide care to patients that otherwise wouldn't be able to afford it. The one I was seeing has retired now but worked for years in remote indigenous communities. It is sad that you need to be well off to be able to access psychiatric care. These doctors were probably earning less money by treating me. What's more, they made themselves available at short notice several times when I was very unwell. Now my last one has retired, I am on my own and exsisting with a psychologist and the mental health plan that you mentioned.