topic an answer to my confusion? in Depression

an answer to my confusion?

violet1212 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 06:44:15 GMT

um.... hi? okay im not sure if im doing this right but it's my first time being on this website and I read through a lot of peoples thoughts and problems hoping I would get something out for myself.

growing up as I child I was literally the shyest girl out there. and although my parents said otherwise I knew I was different. I was at the age of 5, 6, 7 or so, I was very young. im not sure why but I was always thinking I was judged. I used to think everybody felt like me, but as I grew older I realized it was not normal for a 6 or seven years old to feel like there being judged all the time. whenever someone would laugh I would have the urge to cry as I thought it was directed at me. weird but my biggest strugle when i was younger was to call my name out on the roll. i remember waking up and being upset that i had to say a simple 'here' or 'present' infront of the class. whenever somone wispered i used to think it was about me. even if i hear some of there conversations being related to random topics, I always had the fear that they were laughing at me. I could never say no to anyone afraid they might hate me, and as a child, I never really felt like myself in front of others, and I would always beat myself up about it. I used to pray every day that I would gain confidence. my biggest wish was to have a best friend that I can ramble non stop without being judged on what I say. I was so insecure and had no confedence, and that was the biggest thing I bet myself up for. everybody knew me as the quiet girl as I bearly spoke, but thankfully as im older now logic settles in a bit and I had come to a realization that nobody was judging me. i never really took notice until i actually looked back at myself and relised that it wasn't normal but then again im not sure. is it normal for a 6-7 year old to feel so sared of everybody judging her every move?

oh and note i only remember this started when i was in yr one with a somwhat clear memory and it continued all the way into highschool until 2 years ago when i finally managed to make myself more confident and gain more friends. and although i know there still an a small bit in me were i feel judged but i had taught myself not to car anymore and dismiss others opinions unless there good or adviceful ones.

an answer to my confusion?

PamelaR — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 08:46:07 GMT

Hiya Violet and very warm welcome to you

Sounds like you have had a very hard time. Especially growing up and thinking everyone was judging you. That's a long long time. Have you ever talked to a health professional about what you think of yourself? Or do you ever talk to someone close or trusted - like a family member or friend?

I do know what you are feeling because that was so much of how I felt about myself growing up. Now, I do know it was because of my childhood experiences - what my mum use to say to me as a child. All these stories aren't true. I found I had to unlearn everything I had been told. This has taken a long time and the professional experience of a psychologist.

My thoughts are, it's important to see someone for a starter, e.g your gp. Do you have one that you trust? Talk to them about your feelings and thoughts. They should refer you to someone who can help you.

Keep reaching out Violet, if and when you want to. Feel free to browse our forums, threads and posts and to join discussions that you can relate to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

an answer to my confusion?

violet1212 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 10:05:54 GMT

thank you pamelaR for replying, it's nice to know im, not the only one who felt like this as a child.

i will look and try to tell someone i trust.. thank you for the recommendations.

-violet