topic Feel like an imposter in Depression

Feel like an imposter

Mighty_Mint — Tue, 05 Feb 2019 04:27:26 GMT

There are times when all those low feelings of worthlessness, sadness and despair intensify to the extreme. But then in a few hours I'm back to being calm, numb or amused at the ridiculousness of it all. It's strange, I remember that I did feel hurt at the time but I can't relate to it. It feels like another person's memory. Sometimes I will reject 'that person' because I'm in disbelief and disapproval of how my behaviour at that time.

I wonder if deep down I am truly manipulative, using depression as an excuse for being lazy in life. Because these extreme lows are more likely/frequent when I have a 'challenge' in life any other adult should be able to overcome. But I thought I was doing okay over the last few months so why the sudden breakdown? It seems like I'm kicking up an attention-needy ruckus when convenient.

Background: I've been excluded from a Uni course. Currently being encouraged by my GP to apply for a withdrawal based on medical grounds to avoid the mark on my academic transcript. I'm not so convinced I deserve to try.

Feel like an imposter

smallwolf — Tue, 05 Feb 2019 22:55:27 GMT

Hi,

Tagging this post so that it does not get lost and I want to respond more fully later - have to start work.

Please do not feel bad about withdrawing for a term or whatever. I was/am doing a BTh part time. In semester 1, 2018 I dropped a subject for that reason, and in semester 2, applied for leave. At the uni I attend, they don't care about the reason. Don't be hard on yourself. (For me, it was better than comtemplating a fail.)

Tim

Feel like an imposter

geoff — Wed, 06 Feb 2019 19:18:36 GMT

Hi Mighty Mint, thanks for posting your comment with a good question 'being lazy or depressed'.

With depression, it can hit you straight away and if your house is in disarray, untidy and in a mess, you don't care at all about cleaning it up, it doesn't bother you, whereas being lazy you say 'I'll do it later or tomorrow', the same as I'm not getting out bed this morning, I'll pretend to be sick and take a sickie from work'.

Depression can last for weeks or even longer and those who have had this illness know what I'm saying, it makes you feel as though you can't move at all, it's a horrible distressing, lonely, anxious, irritable, exhausted, guilty and the list goes on and on.

You can't pretend that you have depression, it will become boring to do so, but you can pretend to be lazy and the feeling of this is much different than the feeling of depression.

There is one big trap and this is you can pretend to OK when you're with your mates or whoever, but as soon as you get home that's when the mask comes off and depression grabs hold of you again.

Did the doctor diagnose you while you were with them?

Geoff.

I don't want this to happen but I agree with your doctor about what was said.

Feel like an imposter

Mighty_Mint — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 09:41:04 GMT

Hi Geoff (and Tim),

Thank you for your replies.

You're right, it would be tiring to pretend to have depression. I was diagnosed three years ago. The GP reckons I need the ongoing support.

It's interesting how you mentioned pretending to be OK around mates. I genuinely believed I was OK when I was around them this weekend. But then I came the closest I've ever been to finishing it all on Monday, and I've been mostly numb and confused since then. It wasn't as I expected. I mean, I even laughed at something funny on Wednesday. Felt ashamed that my friends were asking after me when I called in sick. Right now as I'm typing this all out I feel calm, the complete opposite to Monday.

I suppose I'm trying to piece it all together. Thanks for the reply, I'll think about things further.

Kind regards,

Mint

Feel like an imposter

Skary Bill — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 12:09:28 GMT

It's just what we do isn't it.. "How are you mate?" "Good thanks" LoL, I said that from a wheelchair with half my skin missing once. It's a little bit of pride, mixed with some respect. Not wanting to burden your friends.. And lets be honest here, mates are terrible therapists anyway. So you give the people you value your best. And you do it because at your core, you're a good person, not because you want to manipulate or fool anyone.

I've asked myself the same questions as you did. I've been told I have PTSD... And I'm not even sure I believe that's a real thing. But it gets to the point where you can't deny something is going on.. Something you're stuck on and can't just logic your way out of. I don't think a bone lazy person even spends much time worrying about it.

But it doesn't make it any less frustrating to not be achieving. Anyway, sorry, I don't have answers. I just wanted to say G'day and let you know I completely get what you're saying, and I hope you find the right path for you. I reckon chatting with people who can relate on a forum like this is a good start. If I would make one suggestion, it's hold onto those mates of yours. And take advantage of every opportunity to be happy. Just brace yourself for the swing, because life is worth living. 🙂

Cheers,

Bill.

Feel like an imposter

geoff — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 16:48:34 GMT

Hi Mint, what you have said is OK, because if you have depression and being in company with a couple of friends, you can laugh, especially when alcohol is involved or perhaps even when it isn't, but as soon they go or when you are alone you suddenly go back into depression.

When you are jovial, people naturally think that you are feeling much better, your depression has gone, but suddenly get disappointed when they see you back into depression and wonder why.

Depression has the power to do many strange things in our life.

Best wishes.

Geoff.