topic Low self-esteem in Depression

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Sat, 01 Dec 2018 23:48:10 GMT

Hi all,

I am a married man in my late 40's. For as long as I remember, I've had low self esteem and self confidence.

About 7 years ago I decided to change myself for the better. I read countless books and websites with the aim of achieving this and ,to be fair, my self confidence has improved.

However, I have had little joy in raising my self esteem. I joined a gym and have had good results in getting a good physique, although the problem is despite being happy neck down, it's neck up I don’t like.

I have had comments at various stages in my life about how I look, and it continues to affect me, even at my age. I find myself comparing how I look to other men, and believe I am unattractive, and not good enough to women.

This is reinforced by the fact that, despite being married 20+ years, we have very little sex. I am convinced that although I believe my wife loves me, I don’t think she's ever been sexually attracted to me.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone can relate to how I feel and has had any success in dealing with it.

Thanks in advance.

Low self-esteem

smallwolf — Sun, 02 Dec 2018 12:28:13 GMT

Snowman,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. I won't go into any details of my own life, but I will ask you if you have asked of had a conversation with your wife about this situation? Find out her perspective on the matter? And then maybe the two of you will find an answer, or compromise. But this might also require you to open up about your vulnerabilities as well.

There is also the question of what is frequent?

I am listening to you. I know what it can be like, and the solution was found by talking

Tim

Low self-esteem

Croix — Sun, 02 Dec 2018 12:51:16 GMT

Dear Snowman02~

Welcome here to the Forum, I guess many people can relate to your problems.

Unfortunately cruel things said earlier in life can linger on for a lifetime. The do not have to be true at all, just something a person can believe, then human nature does its work and they corrode. Sometimes therapy can help here. You sound as if you have a good approach wiht the exercise.

I'm sure you must know this inside, however I'll repeat it anyway. To attract and keep a mate is not so much looks as character. Kindness, reliability, mental strenght, honesty, care -a and all the rest. It is no use looking like (insert name of movie star here) and being weak, self-centered and a burden. It will not last.

Having intimacy problems is something for two people to solve, not one. As you would know there are many possibilities, the straight physical being common. Then there is everything from childhood events to simple fatigue.

Do you think when the time is right you might have a frank, but -no pressure- discussion with your partner about this?

Croix

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Sun, 02 Dec 2018 14:10:31 GMT

Thanks for your reply.

We've had two conversations about this and both times it didn't go well. I'm left feeling like the bad guy making unreasonable demands.

As far as frequency goes, it's 2 to 3 times a month.

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Sun, 02 Dec 2018 14:20:57 GMT

Thanks for your reply.

The longer I go through life the more I'm getting the belief that it's looks that women go for. I didn't used to, and believed the often mentioned confidence and personality. However, I'm coming across more women that are visual in what they find attractive. Hence my belief that I'm not good or attractive enough for women in general.

With regards to intimacy, it has been bad for all our marriage (sometimes worse) and as our married life continued, I put it down to a lack of sexual attraction.

Low self-esteem

Croix — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 12:40:10 GMT

Dear Snowman02~

Well I guess we will have to agree to disagree, I make my avatar of a walrus look good and I've lived in 2 long term relationship that have been a blessing. Obviously there are all sorts of people in the world, and no doubt some women do indeed find looks an overriding attraction, however I suspect you may notice them more than some others.

I'm sorry your conversations about intimacy have not worked out well, there is absolutely no justification for feeling like the bad guy. Have you considered counseling as a pair? Sometimes the perspective of a third party can take some of the heat and blame out of a difficult situation.

Croix

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 13:54:34 GMT

Hell would freeze over before my wife would ever consider talking to a third party about this. In all honesty, I don't think she thinks there's anything wrong with our marriage.

Low self-esteem

smallwolf — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 20:25:48 GMT

Hi again. Have you asked your wife about this idea? Perhaps if you asked her, she would go regardless of how you think your wife views the marriage.

There are many reasons why one person may not want to get intimate often. Stress and tiredness can play a part.

How have things changed in the relationship from when it was more frequent compared to now?

I guess I am asking you to see the situation from your wife's perspective also and in doing so you both might find a way forward that works for you as well?

Tim

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 22:44:43 GMT

Ok I'll give a bit of a backstory.

Due to my looks, lack of confidence and self esteem, I didn't have much luck with women. I'd had a couple of relationships, one of which was very sexual.

I met my wife to be, and it was clear from the outset that she was out of my league, looks wise. Despite this, she had never had a boyfriend or had sex. Unsurprisingly we waited a while to have sex. Once we did I thought the frequency would improve. It never did. Same thing when we moved in together and got married.

This was pre-Internet days, so I had no idea about the frequency "normal " couples had, so just accepted things as they were.

Once we started moving in different social circles, with couples who were open in discussing their sex lives, and also information from the internet, I realised something wasn't right.

The message I was constantly receiving is that women love sex as much, if not more than men, and if it isn't happening, it's due to a lack of attraction. Hence my fitness regime and building of my confidence.

Both areas I thought would increase my attraction. It had no effect on my wife and I saw no change in how other women perceived me.

Whenever we have sex, she does seem to enjoy it, and can kick start a run of consecutive days where we have sex. The problem seems that sex is low on her list of priorities. She makes time for other areas, but not intimacy, and despite being fully aware that I would love an increase in frequency.

People telling me that I have a hot wife doesn't help my self esteem either. It kind of reinforces that I'm punching above my weight and that I'm lacking in areas that are attractive to women. Also makes me feel a failure for not being sexually attractive to her.

Hope this makes sense, and feel free to ask anything.

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 01:48:17 GMT

I should also add that my wife is very uncomfortable talking about anything sexual, even with me.

I can't see how she'd be willing to share or talk about anything with a third party.

Low self-esteem

Croix — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 11:41:48 GMT

Dear Snowman02~

I am wondering a bit if your desire for more intimacy is a simple physical enjoyment thing or alternatively confirmation of being loved and valued.

The reason I ask is all the things you have talked about has been very much bound up in terms of self esteem - "punching about your weight", "out of my league", unattractive and so on.

You do acknowledge your wife does love you, and on occasions enjoyment does lead to repetitions for a while. If you were saying you were not loved that might be a different matter. and those times when nee session leads to anotherdoes seem to mean you are able to satisfy and please.

Apart from there being problems that reduce ability or desire for intimacy there is also the pretty obvious fact that everyone is different, and some are more sexually active than others. Maybe you have already put your finger on the cause, sex being lower on the list of her priorities, not a judgment on you, simply the difference in two human beings

The frequency you mention is not all that unusual, and being lead into thinking otherwise by a handful of talkative friends could be a mistake.

I'd suggest if in doubt seek competent medical help to find out what is reasonable, and also if you low self esteem is creating more of a problem in this area than might happen otherwise.

I can speak from personal experience that anxiety can so easily build up trouble where it is not warranted.

OK, I've said a bit, do you think I'm on the wrong track?

Croix

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 02:39:25 GMT

Hi Croix,

I think you're in the right area about what I get out of sex. I guess it's a needs to feel desired or lusted after, as well as the feeling of being loved. As far as the physical side, I probably get more satisfaction in getting my wife off than myself.

Trouble is, I never get these feelings. My wife's love for me seems to be based on my role as a provider and being Mr Dependable and not a risk taker. I certainly don't get any impression that she loves me in a role as lover.

This is why I find myself comparing how I look to other men. When I see better looking men (which is the majority of blokes ) it makes me wonder what it would be like to have a woman lust after me to the point of having sex.

If I had women show interest, check me out, or flirt with me, it would probably give me an esteem boost, but these things just don't happen. I'm invisible to women in general.

As far as frequency goes, from what I've read, and not just from other couples ' conversations, the impression I get is that we're way lower than the norm.

Thanks for your reply.

Low self-esteem

smallwolf — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 08:33:55 GMT

Snowman02,

I hope you don't mind me asking a couple of questions. You said in relation to your wife that it seems she sees you as provider and dependable, and not lover. Have you asked her about this?

You have also said that people commented about your wife being hot, but you don't seem to be able to take this as a compliment? I guess in this instance are you able to challenge the negative thoughts of "I am out of her league" and remember that this hot woman is your wife?

In regards to frequency I would have said it was normal, and like Croix said, men can extend the truth sometimes. But suppose that your favourite dinner was roast chicken. If you had that every night, after a while you would get sick of it (and not want it again)? But if you have it less frequently you might be able to enjoy it more? And again, the challenge here might be rather than thinking "Life is crap as we only make love every 2 weeks" to "I look forward to getting intimate with my wife..."

With the negative thoughts, ask yourself these questions...

1. What evidence is there to support my thinking?
2. Would others say this is true (about me)?
3. Does feeling this way make me feel good or bad about myself?

Peace and blessings,

Tim

Low self-esteem

Snowman02 — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 09:34:24 GMT

Hi Smallwolf.

No worries. Ask away!

I haven't asked her about the provider role for two reasons. 1 is I can tell that she doesn't have any desire for me in a sexual or physical way. I never receive any signs or comments that would give me any indication she does. 2 is that she would flat out deny this claim and would probably do more harm than good.

You might think I'm projecting how my wife feels or would react, but after over 20 years together, I reckon I'm a pretty good judge.

As for people commenting on my wife's hotness, you have to bear in mind that I've had comments about her being out of my league, a few times, and I suppose I take comments about my wife as further reinforcement.

With regard to frequency, I'm not unrealistic. It's not like I'm looking to have

sex on a daily basis. However, an increase on the current level would be a boost. You might think I'm wrong, but I consider sex to be an integral and important of marriage.

Finally as for the negative thoughts, 1 & 2 would be yes, and 3 would be a no. I wish it wasn't the case.

Thanks.