topic When your spouse refuses to seek help in Depression

When your spouse refuses to seek help

41singleBNE — Thu, 04 Nov 2021 08:53:56 GMT

I'm a 41yo single father with two kids aged 9 and 7. My ex wife suffers severe clinical depression with psychosis (mania, delusions & paranoia). She is also a diabetic 1. She's been living with her mother whom until recently was growing tired of seeing her staring off into the abyss, and general lack of practical progress. I am assuming this happened on the back of a disagreement. Mother drops her at the local centrelink office and demands she sort out her affairs - but instead of going inside, my ex wife ran off in a panic.

She was reported missing for 48 hours and sparked a major police search operation. Eventually located safe and well by members of the public. Since this ordeal ex wife has been detained (treatment order) in hospital in a secure mental health ward.

Our relationship had been strained for years leading up to this incident, but this was the final straw. For years I've been trying to raise our children, as well as deal with her crippling anxiety and constant fear and paranoia. Constantly urging her to seek help and assistance, my pleas were met with flat out denial, push back and refusal to acknowledge her state.

I never wanted the relationship to end in the fashion that it has - with her being completely unable to cope with daily aspects of adult life. I have sole care of the children, and absolutely no life beyond that. I go to work, come home, feed/bathe and dress them, then the cycle repeats.

I'm simply not coping with the isolation, loneliness and the grief of a 13 year union coming to a very sad and sudden end. My GP has put me on 2 weeks stress leave because I'm no longer able to get myself to work, it's too much of a burden. My house is a bombsite with clothes and general mess everywhere. I spent the afternoons and evenings trying to hold back the black dog biting at my heels. I've stopped trying to fight it, and often sit in a chair or lie in bed crying.

I'm trying to book in with a psychologist but everyone I approach has closed books or a massive waiting list.

Help...

When your spouse refuses to seek help

Sophie_M — Thu, 04 Nov 2021 09:18:28 GMT

Hi 41singleBNE,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult in your relationship and that you have been struggling with the isolation, loneliness and grief. We understand how hard this must be for you, especially when there are kids involved, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 who provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

When your spouse refuses to seek help

41singleBNE — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 04:25:24 GMT

Thanks

When your spouse refuses to seek help

Petal22 — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 06:01:35 GMT

Hi 41singleBNE,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry to hear of your situation I understand this would be difficult for you.

Please go back to your gp and talk more about the way you are feeling if you feel you need to.

Maybe your gp knows of a psychologist who is available?

Can a family member help you with the house and children I understand this would be overwhelming, you can only do your best.

I understand when we feel like our house looks like a mess it can cause us stress, yourself and your children are more important than the state of your house so just look after yourselves the house can wait.

When your spouse refuses to seek help

41singleBNE — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 10:53:47 GMT

My GP pretty much is my psychologist. Same one since I was 15 years old so she knows me very well.

I don’t have much family nearby. Brother and sister both live in Victoria. Parents assist when they can.

I’m a fiercely introverted person and don’t maintain a large social circle.

Thanks for replies so far.

When your spouse refuses to seek help

41singleBNE — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 11:32:07 GMT

I’m not doing well lately. The grief and isolation is ripping me apart. Everyone at the local primary school knows what I’m going through. I pull up to collect my children and feel like they’re thinking “oh there’s that poor bloke whose wife went missing”.

My parents and mother in law both seem to have had enough and are pushing me into separation and divorce proceedings. They don’t understand.

I never wanted the relationship to end. I never asked for this. I still love her. I just couldn’t show it during the depths of her mental anguish.

I just want her….the relationship….everything to heal 😞

When your spouse refuses to seek help

geoff — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 16:18:01 GMT

Hello 41singleBNE, and I am also very sorry for the situation you and your wife are in, but if can contact your local council, they offer people at a reduced rate who can help clean up your house on a weekly basis or what is decided.

Another option is to contact your local community centre and may be able to help you in many different ways.

It's not up to your parents or mother in law to decide what you should be doing and although they believe they are helping you, it's your decision and no one else's.

Please continue to keep us informed.

Geoff.

When your spouse refuses to seek help

Not_Limited — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 11:29:00 GMT

Hi 41singleBNE,

Thank you for sharing. So much on your shoulders and so much conflict pulling at your heart and head. There are men groups in Brisbane that might be beneficial for you, particularly while you are waiting to get in to see a psychologist. A men's group can help you feel less isolated and in a safe place with other men who may have or be going through similar. I believe some have counsellors as part of the groups as well. Are there any counsellors in your area as an alternative to a psychologist?

It sounds like your wife may suffer Bipolar 1. Obviously, that is just going off what you have said and needs its own diagnosis with a specialist. I have Bipolar, so happy to talk about any questions at any time. It is an extremely difficult illness for those with it and those very close to them, especially without treatment. I truly hope her stay in the hospital enables her to have the first step towards diagnosis and treatment, especially since she's diabetic as well. I can imagine what has been going on inside of her brain. I know how hard it is when your family doesn't understand (ie her mother, not you) and just can't or won't support you, but I also know how hard it is to support someone with a mental ill-health condition if they won't seek help. Even with help, the road is still hard but makes it more driveable until with medication and treatment she becomes more stable. Having depression at the moment gives you a bit of an insight into what she has been going through, but your story is your own as well and what you are going through is your own.

I'm not sure if you are interested, but there are some good YouTube videos on Bipolar that may help give you a little more insight into the condition, as we as depression for you.

As with everyone talking to you and telling you what to do, at the moment with your own depression, I can imagine that will not be helping you at all. Maybe suggest to them, that for right now you need their support with your depression and helping you through how you feel, How can they support you, without telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing, just listening. If they are in your area, help with the kids, house etc so you are not feeling so overwhelmed and take some of that pressure off. Asking people to be positive help instead of toxic help can be hard to ask and hard for them to accept, but to help you through how you're feeling, is what they need to do.Do you have a calm place or hobbie you enjoy?

When your spouse refuses to seek help

41singleBNE — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 12:08:02 GMT

Hi Not Limited

Thanks for your input. Bipolar 1 was ultimately ruled out as a diagnosis for her, even though she shared common symptoms. The doctors and psychiatrists settled on it being a major clinical depressive episode, with psychosis.

I am seeing a psychologist tomorrow afternoon and will ask about strategies to help convey my point of view to my parents and in-laws. Up until now I haven't flat out blindsided them by saying that I never wanted the relationship to end (which I didn't), I've just meekly gone along with their advice and input. However with my depression/grief becoming steadily worse - to the point where it's affecting my daily life and ability to work, I think they (parents/inlaws) have probably already figured it out.

My ex refuses to ever go back to the family home (where I still live). To her it is a major stressor and trigger for what she's had to go through. I don't know if I am being foolish or unrealistic about one day living together again with the kids, both of us happy and mentally stable. But at the moment a life on my own I can't bear thinking about. It just brings me to tears.

When your spouse refuses to seek help

Not_Limited — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 12:50:01 GMT

Hi 41singleBNE,

Thank you for replying.

That's strange if she has mania as well. If mania last longer than 4 days with her other symptoms generally is a bipolar diagnosis. It can take ages to have a Dr diagnose it though.

I'm so glad you have gotten in to see a psychologist tomorrow and thinking ahead of strategies to help with family members. It's important to put yourself first and what you need at this time, for you and your kids.

For any relationship to begin to repair after so much hardship for you both, it has to begin with you. We can't help anyone else if our glass is always only half full or running on empty. So take care of yourself. It may be if she will accept treatment and is working to get better, that perhaps moving into a different home may prevent those triggers for her, depending on what they are, but for now, you need to look after yourself. Your children need you to be stable and that's the most important thing atm, other than you finding some happiness within yourself as well. There is always light at the end of the tunnel as hard as that may seem atm. I know. I thought when my husband left that it was the end of the world and I went very dark. Unfortunately, he was a narcissist that actually triggered my Bipolar, I just didn't realise it at the time because I had been made so dependant on him. But that was 11 years ago now, being mostly stable since then and raising 3 kids on my own and even turning them out into well-adjusted teenagers and adult. You've got this, like me at the time, I think you have just lost a lot of faith and confidence in yourself. It is really hard not to be hard on ourselves and blame ourselves for how everything has turned out, but one piece of advice that a psych told me years ago and that I have always remembered since - you can't control what others do and say, that is a them problem and out of your control no matter what. What you can do, is control what you do, think and feel and focus on that because, in the end, you are the one who matters and should matter most to you.

I hope you are able to make a good start to your therapy tomorrow. Just be kind to yourself a little.

When your spouse refuses to seek help

Not_Limited — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 12:57:57 GMT

Sorry, I just wanted to add - don't focus so far in the distance of being alone for the rest of your life. There is still a lot of life to live before then. When you are stable and believe in yourself again, you will find someone, until then, just focus on yourself and the children. It takes time to create the illness and it takes time to heal it. A broken relationship, the loss of a partner through mental illness is just as real as grief in any manner of any state and there is no time limit on how long it takes to heal and what processes you will go through in that time. Getting the help you need is a great first step. Be proud, even if atm it is just for that first step. xx

When your spouse refuses to seek help

therising — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 21:05:05 GMT

Hi 41singleBNE

It's easy to see that you are such a beautiful sensitive caring man whose mantra is obviously still 'For better or for worse, in sickness and in health'. To still love someone through the worst of things, when sickness or poor mental health becomes a major factor, speaks volumes as to your nature.

To be sensitive to feeling the advice of other people or the opinions of other people can be depressing at times, especially when certain advice or certain opinions are naturally depressing. To be sensitive to feeling when there's just no petrol left in the tank, when you've lost your energy and your drive, can also be depressing at times. I'm wondering whether a lot of the people around you are carefully asking you about how you're feeling everything or whether they're telling you how you should be feeling. Do they ask you about how you want feel and asking you how they can help?

I imagine you've tried to make sense of why your wife experiences life the way she does. Have you managed to make any sense of it, yourself? Even though you may be surrounded by experts, don't discard any ideas or theories that may come to mind, from your perspective. Do you know when or why your wife began to experience life through her current perception? Do you know who or what were factors in the lead up to such a change in her? I imagine you've wondered a lot over the years. Perhaps your wife, at some point in time, has discussed with you her own sense of wonder in regard to how things changed for her. Does she find it deeply depressing to have no answers, to be stuck in a sort of limbo of not knowing? I can't imagine how hard the years have been for the both of you.

In imagining the path or the way forward, what would it look like, in your mind? How would others need to get their act together in order to serve you (including relatives and specialists)? Sounds like it's time people began to better serve you.

🙂

When your spouse refuses to seek help

41singleBNE — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 11:43:32 GMT

Today I spoke with my psychologist about how I felt like I was simply pandering to my families directive. To be fair, the strain of my relationship has been tough on them as well. Mental health doesn’t discriminate and is a cruel hitch hiker.

The psych said that ultimately it’s my decision which path to take, but I am questioning at what cost.

My mother rang to check in and ask how the appointment went, expecting it to be more along the lines of legal stuff and laying down more framework for divorce/separation. To say she was put on the back foot when I told her how things actually went, is an understatement.

She then went on a blistering attack saying that it’s far too greater risk to take my ex back and that I should think about my family for a change and what they have had to endure. Saying we are both doomed and it will never work out. If we one day moved into another (bigger) house together all my ex would do, would be to clean me out leaving me homeless and destitute.

I know in my heart my ex would never do something like this, to jeopardize our children. The rest of my family aren’t convinced and will not budge.

They have made a threat to say that if we ever decide to reconcile again they would drop all manner of support and effectively disown me.

I am in a truly awful state of mind, the grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I simply cannot bear going through life and having to separately co-parent. I lost my father at age 12 and know exactly what true grief feels like. I’ve now known my ex for longer than I knew my dad and simply cannot bear to have the relationship end. When the children are asleep in bed I cry uncontrollably and it’s been like this for the past two weeks. The tears just keep coming.

When your spouse refuses to seek help

Petal22 — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 11:54:09 GMT

Hi 41singleBNE,

Im sorry that you are in a awful state of mind.

Please call our caring Beyondblue Councillors on 1300 22 4636 if you feel you would like to speak to someone.

Im really sorry that your mother said to you what she did that must have been very difficult for you.

Sometimes people just see the hurt inside themselves and project it onto someone else……. Which really isn’t fair at all.

In the end you know what’s right for you it’s not up to anyone else. 🙏

When your spouse refuses to seek help

41singleBNE — Mon, 29 Nov 2021 13:16:24 GMT

My wife and I are now co-habitating and living under the same roof again. We are both functioning well, and being careful to take our medications as prescribed and directed. The kids are happy with the stability.
But this decision to reconcile has gone against everybody. My GP: "it would be a triumph of hope if things worked out for you", my parents, her parents, and the rest of my extended family. Nobody seems to have any faith or support in us as a couple anymore. There have been too many slip ups and roadblocks along the way.

I was warned by both my brother and sister that if we got back together then that's it, in their words. Cast me off and hang me out to dry - and this is exactly what they have done. I don't understand why they would choose to do this as I'm in Brisbane and they're in Victoria. I can't see how they can claim they were directly affected during the past year when they live so far away. They both say they have been hurt by both mine and my wife's actions. At risk of sounding like I'm playing the victim here, neither of them have ever had to deal with their own mental health to the point where it causes a major disruption to daily life. I'm not as successful as them career wise, nowhere near it.

It's going to be an interesting xmas as both family sides refuse to accept us both as a couple again. Her family doesn't want me there, and mine doesn't want her there. She is nervous about how things will go. I tell her it's only one day of the year, and an over rated one at that. The kids and her will probably go to her mums place for the day. I'm not sure what I'll be doing. Both my brother and sister are flying up to visit family and friends for a week or so, but I can't see myself engaging with either of them. Strangely this doesn't seem to bother me though...

When your spouse refuses to seek help

geoff — Mon, 29 Nov 2021 15:37:00 GMT

Hello 41singleBNE, if you let this bother you, then you are reacting to how your brother and sister want you to feel, but if it doesn't then you have made up your mind and whatever they say has no impact on your decision, that's good because it gives you strength.

If however, whatever they said did affect how you felt, then you are being controlled by them and won't let you move forward.

Achieve your goal by looking after yourself.

Geoff.