topic How much do you share with those that love you? in Depression

How much do you share with those that love you?

SYork — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 13:35:07 GMT

Hi everyone,

I’ve just joined and hoping someone has some insights. I’ve got chronic depression (not sure if anything else), diagnosed about 15 yrs ago but I reckon I’ve probably had for much longer.

I saw psychiatrist/s and psychologist/s for a long time but not really at the moment and I don’t share a lot of my thoughts and feelings with my partner, family or friends.

I sort of feel like because I more or less cycle in and out of varying levels of sadness, that I don’t want people to know about it and worry or know that they can’t do anything.

The trouble is I end up bottling things up I suppose.

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you balance sharing information with people and being authentic, with the other side?

Do you think I just need to always have a counsellor, etc., a third party who isn’t personally invested?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

How much do you share with those that love you?

RJ1 — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 15:40:24 GMT

Hey S, the question you wrote as a topic is something I ask myself too, because I struggle with the same thing.

I'm afraid to share a lot of my thoughts with my partner, family and friends as well for the same reasons. When I do talk to them, I am mostly the one giving them advice when they come to me with their problems which I find quite ironic. I feel more hopeful for others than I do myself sometimes. I wonder if you feel the same.

Anyway, the best help for me has been journaling, just getting all your thoughts down on paper. Sometimes it helps me realise some thoughts are plain ridiculous/doesn't make sense, or it helps me look at the cause of my sadness, or somehow I come up with a possible solution to a problem that has been bugging me for weeks. Writing on paper, and not typing out on a computer, helps me sort my thoughts better. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don't. But I think trying at all is an effort to be praised. Hang in there

How much do you share with those that love you?

geoff — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 16:04:57 GMT

Hello SYork, welcome to the forums and a very good question and the answer may change from person to person, however, to see a counsellor on a continuous basis will depend on how you are coping, but there are people who go and see them just as a refresh, to clear out the cobwebs, that suits them because what they tell their counsellor nobody knows.

Can I say I'm really sorry that you have depression.

You have to remember that people do pretend that everything is OK when they are suffering from depression and tell their family that they're alright, when if fact they aren't.

This is when you need to go and see your counsellor so you can discuss these problems because the longer you keep bottling them up the worse you will be.

There is nothing wrong booking an appointment every month or so or even a shorter time.

Geoff.

How much do you share with those that love you?

Jean14 — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 18:12:22 GMT

I don't like telling anyone, I think I realised some time ago I had to manage on my own and take responsibility. In saying that when significant upsetting life events happens which are a normal in life I struggle a lot.. and I think I feel more lonely and isolated which gives you that sick lower chest feeling... doesn't happen a lot but wish I could stop ut

How much do you share with those that love you?

therising — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 19:50:33 GMT

Hi S

I agree with Geoff; touching base with a counsellor every now and then can be a good thing. Just to know you have access to such guidance can be reassuring in itself.

Having someone close to you who understands the challenges of depression can also be a good thing. Although I escaped the clutches of chronic everyday depression some time ago, on the odd occasion I can still cop a downer and my mum is great at picking it. She is also great at being my 'surrogate mind' when it comes to constructive dialogue. For example, if she hears me say something like 'I'm hopeless', she'll get me to rephrase it to 'I believe I am hopeless.' Some people might say this is terrible, as she should be telling me I'm not hopeless at all but she understands the twisted logic depression manifests and how this 'logic' refuses to allow us to recognise the truth (we are filled with greatness). She understands the importance of addressing internal dialogue and will help me manipulate my internal dialogue until I've finished riding the wave of my downer. She will also help me find motives to 'move it' so that I'm being creative and not self-destructive. My teenage kids are also good at getting me to move it - they know the downers zap my energy and they are only too happy to give me a recharge. Yes, I have a team who know not to take things personally when my brain is challenging me. I also have another team of people who insist I smile more and not be so hard on myself. Although I appreciate their efforts, they don't understand that their encouragement equates to them throwing a glass of water on a raging fire (it aint gonna do squat). A realistic management plan is key to getting through any battle.

If you decide to let people in on your challenge with depression, allowing them to be a part of your management plan means they are not left feeling powerless and full of pity, instead they can become powerful and purposeful.

Take care of yourself S and I wish you victory in your battle

How much do you share with those that love you?

SYork — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 02:53:41 GMT

Thanks RJ1,

Yes, you're right, I should start journalling. I used to a lot, but found it reinforced the ruminating I already did- like a loop with no exit point.

I have also found that saying what you write in a journal out loud to someone (which may need to be that someone who is not personally invested in you), helps to break that thought loop.

I'm not sure about including people like my partner, parents, etc. in my Management Plan- I suppose I worry that our relationship will become all about me and my stuff, that there won't be enough space for the other person to have any problems??

It actually feels much nicer to talk with people on here than I thought it would. It feels good to share things with people who really get it.

I hope you are travelling ok- we can do it! I am happy to be a sounding board if needed.

Thanks again for your input.

How much do you share with those that love you?

SYork — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 03:01:00 GMT

Hi Jean14,

I did used to keep all the MH stuff to myself and had similar thoughts that I need to handle things myself.

I've recently started telling people, at work, some friends, about depression and having to switch medications, etc. I know it's hard, but people really do surprise you sometimes with how supportive they are. I've had people respond that they don't know what it's like, but their sister has it, etc. so they want to understand.

Of course we need to feel safe to disclose this sort of stuff to other people, but I'm sure there is someone you can share with? I do find that while it's really hard to break the habit of keeping everything in, once you start, it becomes easier.

I also wonder if those around you feel closer to you if you share even just little bits of your experiences with them? I wonder if they can sense you are holding back and telling a bit is a way of telling them they are important to you?

I don't know (or I wouldn't be on these forums!! :D). Tell me what you think, or if you need someone to talk to, I can be here for that.

How much do you share with those that love you?

SYork — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 03:03:35 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I think I will try to book in with a counsellor.

I must admit, I have found it difficult to get professional help in the last few years- being about 2 hours from a major city really makes the difference to the quality of healthcare.

But it's out there, I just have to look harder :).

How much do you share with those that love you?

broken_toy — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 07:13:56 GMT

Hi SYork

I find it very difficult to talk about my situation to anyone. When I say I have PTSD, the general response is 'whats that, i've never heard of it', so I decided to avoid the lengthy, exhausting explanations.

I have since undergone EMDR which has helped alot. My psychologist has helped me work through some significant traumas.

I now also have a select few people who take the time to research PTSD and its impacts on me, and those around me, so that they can understand and we can support each other in challenging times.

I have learned it was my fear of being seen as broken, fragile, weak or unstable that caused me to hide my feelings.

As an idea/suggestion, collect information and do some research on coping skills for you and your family, and then approach them with the facts of your condition. It will feel like the hardest thing you've ever done. Trust in them that they will understand, listen and love you still. I found the loneliness and isolation got less when I finally faced my fear and shared.

The hardest part for me was the first sentence to my son, 'I have a mental health condition' and then I cried, a lot. Our relationship has strengthened and he has become my closest friend and greatest advocate. Not all of my friends and family have been so great, but some do try.

Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I try to have courage every day and I feel stronger and more resilient because of it.

I hope you find the courage to trust. We are often stronger and more courageous than we believe we are.

Forgive yourself and move forward, every day. Those that love you will be by your side always.

How much do you share with those that love you?

SYork — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 09:47:30 GMT

Thanks Broken Toy,

I admire your strength. Hearing everyone's stories on here definitely helps.

How much do you share with those that love you?

RJ1 — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 11:42:22 GMT

No worries at all, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Yeah I get what you mean on the endless cycle of thoughts, sometimes I feel like I'm back to square one where it's always the same problem I have to deal with.

That's interesting - reading aloud what I journal to someone who isn't personally invested. Never tried that before. Maybe I will.

I relate to not knowing how much to share with those who are close to me too. I know in theory that our loved ones are there not just to share in our joys but in our burdens as well, but I find it hard to share when I know they will feel hurt too. When it gets too much to think about - content and delivery, sometimes I give up altogether and not share at all. That said, I am still for the idea of sharing whatever you're thinking about with your loved ones. I realise it helps them become more understanding of your behaviours and it's a comfort to know they care even if they feel they are unable to help a great deal. Also, I think sharing your problems with your loved ones doesn't equate to placing higher importance on your problems than theirs. It is possible for that to happen, but I doubt you would let that happen, seeing how you are aware of the possibility. If anything, I think opening up to your loved ones will only deepen your relationship with them. You'll see how much they actually care for you (partner/parents), and they'll see how much you care for them too. The stuff I tell you is what I tell myself too. I still struggle with adopting a right mindset. But yeah, one day at a time.

Anyway, besides journaling, I find humour really helpful too. I used to watch comedies to make myself feel better growing up, or just to get a break from ruminating. And sleep - lots of it. Getting out of the house and into natural surroundings, especially places where I can just stare out into the sea is really calming/comforting sometimes too. Staring at rivers/lakes/water bodies in general makes me feel more at peace.

Thanks for being a sounding board haha.

How much do you share with those that love you?

blondguy — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 12:10:32 GMT

Hello SYork

Good on you for having the courage to write such an excellent thread topic!

You are not alone here at all. My depression developed after I didnt treat my anxiety attacks properly. I thought that natural remedies would help....for me they didnt. After 10-15 years my depression/anxiety became worse as a result of not seeing a counselor frequently enough (I used to think every 10 months was okay...whoops)

I also used to think that 'bottling' it up was 'comfortable'. Having frequent counseling is a great method to find some peace in our lives. Even having double appointments with our GP can being great relief from our suffering too

To answer your thread topic question....I have even told my postie that I have depression as an illness and he knew people that had the same health problem too

I really hope you can stick around the forums SYork . You are really proactive with your health by being a part of the forums.

You mentioned "'Ive recently started telling people, at work, some friends, about depression and having to switch medications, etc. I know it's hard, but people really do surprise you sometimes with how supportive they are"

You are amazing SYork and great to have you here as part of the forum family!

If you have any questions/queries please ask what you wish. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post on

my kind thoughts

Paul

How much do you share with those that love you?

geoff — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 18:29:41 GMT

Hi SYork, being 2 hours away does make a big difference and I'm sorry about this, I just wonder whether there is a counsellor who comes to your town every week or comes to local health centre.

The other option is to go and see a counsellor 2 hours away, ( and I'm sorry for saying this ) and ask them if they can counsel you over the phone or by skype, the latter would be better because you can see what sort of reaction they may give you.

The one thing we never think of when we move 2 hours away is the possibility we might need counselling.

Please let me know.

Geoff.

How much do you share with those that love you?

SYork — Thu, 09 Aug 2018 10:48:44 GMT

Thanks Geoff, yeah Skype is good, I speak with a psychiatrist over VC, I will prioritise finding a counsellor.

I really appreciate your kind words. i hope you are going well, I would love to return the favour if needed.

How much do you share with those that love you?

geoff — Thu, 09 Aug 2018 14:50:33 GMT

Hello SYork, thanks and I'm sure you will one day.

All the best and please get in contact.

Geoff.