topic Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do. in Depression

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Bluebirdbrown — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 21:30:27 GMT

Hi,

It’s not typical of me to express my feeling as I usually find it intimidating to do so. However, I have been suffering from a lot of depression and old self hatred from my head. I wish I didn’t exist in this world. I have been seeing a psychologist, but obviously didn’t help much at all.

As a mother, I never set up a good model to my children. Apart from feeding them, I don’t do any extras. No school follow up and not much bonding etc. I fee so shameful.

As a wife, I look so ugly and I don’t do make up. At time, I wonder why my husband still stays with me. He can easily find somebody else who is more attractive and more capable. He would deserve more than this... I am just so useless.

At work, apart from having a postgraduate qualification entry ticket, I only work as a clerk, you can see how low my self esteem is. And you can see how much time and money I have wasted to invest in study. I don’t get high pay and don’t earn any respect from others. Why can’t I climb up to the ladder a bit higher to use my skills etc? A Simple answer is that I am worthless!!!

I always believe that I have some sorts of mental problems apart from depression since in my teen. My Psychologist and GP just don’t have the patience to listen to me or diagnose me! This vicious cycle goes over and over again forever.. now I don’t know what to do to regain my self-confidence. I just want to write it down here to release my painful self hatred.

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

White_Rose — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 22:41:09 GMT

Dear Bluebirdbrown

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's good to have you here and thank you for your story.

Depression is a horrible illness to have and makes you believe all sorts of things that are just not true. I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror because I was convinced I looked dreadful. Well I'm not a beauty queen and I am not as attractive as many young women are. So what! I have raised my family and have lovely grandchildren. That's something to celebrate. I have not worn make up for many years.

My husband's mother was truly dreadful. She physically and emotionally abused her three children who bear the scars to this day. You have not done anything like that. There are things I regret bringing up my children, things I neglected or did wrong. I used to beat myself up about this. But you know what, children are resilient people and flourish quite well despite our endeavours, or perhaps lack of endeavours. You have not abused your children as my husband and siblings were abused. I try to accept I was not not as good as other moms, but then how do I know other moms were so perfect. I don't.

Having great qualifications does not always mean you use them. I went to uni in my 50s but stayed in the same job for many years. I enjoyed uni and learned a lot which was useful, but I did not rise through the company. I think I was not that interested. You do what suits you best unless you have a desperate need for more income.

Sometimes psychologists are not the best fit. Have you thought of seeing a psychiatrist? If you believe you have an underlying mental illness a psychiatrist is best placed to uncover this. They will also listen to you and help you unravel your past. You need a referral from your GP for this. Cost is always a consideration. Unlike being on a mental health plane which allows you ten sessions with the psychologist, you can see the psychiatrist as often as he/she and you think is beneficial. The gap payment I am guessing is about the same as for the psychologist but you have the potential of reaching the Medicare safety net and getting a higher rebate. Talk about this with your GP or go to your local Medicare office.

Many moms do not run the children around to sports and other activities and I confess I used to find it wearing. So your children made their own entertainment. Not a bad thing to learn as children can rely on being entertained far too much.

Please continue to write in here.

Mary

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

JessF — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 22:57:45 GMT

Hello Bluebirdbrown, well done for managing to express what is quite a lot of pain going on for you. It can be very intimidating to say out loud how you're feeling sometimes, particuarly if you're ashamed of those feelings. How does it feel now that you've written all that out and can see it in the cold light of day? Do you believe all those things about yourself more, or less?

You have a low opinion about yourself in relation to your family. You say you don't feel you are a good model for your children. What do you think they would say if a stranger were to ask them how they felt about Mum? Simialr with your husband. You wonder why he is still with you... but he is still with you. Why might that be?

As for your work and your current position, there could be many reasons why you haven't been promoted. If you were worthless, would you have been able to successfully complete postgraduate study?

The good thing about posting in here is that you can take things at your own pace, so no need to worry about people not having the patience to listen. I hope you'll post again soon.

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Bluebirdbrown — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 02:24:14 GMT

Thanks for replies. Truely appreciated !

life is not fair. You know what ? I was a ‘mistake’ to be born to tell you the truth. I have a lot of neglects from my upbringing and childhood. Not abuse or anything, but neglects which has become a big black hole. I think it was enough - I do not know how to express these feelings to others as they will laugh at me or look down on me. So I come here write it down and I hope I can release these painful thoughts and memories. I am sorry if this isn’t appropriate to this forum. But I just have nowhere to lean on. Yes JessF, I feel a bit lighter after writing this down here.

Up till now my parents are still saying and believing this (mistaken born) is the truth. They don’t like me. I have a very low self-esteem since when I was a child. Now in my adulthood, I am still carrying all those belief in my mind. It may be true or could be wrong but not my faults. The cruel fact is that you don’t have a choice to be born from which family. Do you?

I am suffering from the nasty depression I believe many years ago but I have just now been diagnosed clinically after my self guilt urged me to see a GP and then was referred to a psychologist. I don’t know if there is still a chance of “hope” in the dark tunnel that I can recover and become normal again.

Today’s is my 5th day I have been away from work. I lie to my boss about being sick. Please tell me this is a real sick - mentally I am sick.
I just don’t know how to live as a normal person!

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Beno50 — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 00:54:50 GMT

I to feel like you do, I haven't been able to get out of bed for weeks. I also lied to my employer regarding why I was away from work blaming my daughter who has an eating disorder. I went to my go as well yesterday to get needs, etc. It has to get better, have you told your husband how you feel. All the best

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

White_Rose — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 02:20:07 GMT

Hello Bluebirdbrown

The wounds from childhood continue into adulthood and cause so much damage. Writing in here can be a great help. I am so sad you believe you were not wanted from birth and sad your parents have allowed you to believe this no matter what their beliefs. I was a sickly child becoming seriously ill every winter (in the UK). My mom used to tell me I was supposed to die on several occasions and I thought this meant I was not wanted. A dreadful burden for a child to carry.

Let me reassure you, depression is a real illness even though it is not as apparent as a broken leg. As I wrote that sentence I thought what am I saying. It is apparent, exhaustion, various bodily pains, weight loss or gain when not eating properly, being withdrawn, all symptoms of depression. Plus some I have missed. Have you browsed this site? There is a great deal of information about depression here which you may find helpful to read. Start on the home page, click on depression and move through.

Neglect can be as bad as abuse because of the lack of confidence it engenders. Then you go through life believing in your lack of worth. It's good you feel better by writing in here. It's not your fault for being born no matter what the circumstances. Have you ever told your parents how you feel? I'm not sure if it would be helpful, only you would know that.

I am struggling at the moment to offer you some hope and comfort as I am in a bad place today. I want you to know you are as precious and worthwhile as anyone else. Please keep talking to us. I will get myself together soon.

Mary

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Bluebirdbrown — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 09:24:59 GMT

Dear Mary,

what a comforting message you have given me! Thank you. You are such a wonderful and caring person!

I definitely feel better after expelling those negative thoughts and emotions out from my head as you know I don’t have anybody to lean on.

i returned to work today after 6 days off. Feeling funny i could pretend i am OK, like a normal person. What a relief! I’d better just go to work as it keeps me running.

I find it so hard though to open up the conversation about my mental issues with my husband. He may get upset, anxious or shocked.... I said that, and I mean that I don’t know what he’s thinking. I can’t read his mind.

It’s just so easy to say that .... we can’t change what happenened in our past. We need to focus the present and look forward to the future. How many people can do that I wonder!?

Bluebirdbrown

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Lee lee 73 — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 13:19:12 GMT

Hi bluebirdbrown,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I can relate to childhood neglect and going through depression alone. I just wanted to say please don't give up on seeing a psychologist. You deserve to be heard and for your depression to be acknowledged. I saw 4 different psychologists before finding the right one. It truly is worth it. In the meantime, please feel free to write whatever and whenever you want. We're here to listen.

Sending you peaceful thoughts.

Lee lee 73

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

therising — Fri, 28 Sep 2018 06:40:49 GMT

Hi Bluebirdbrown

My heart absolutely 100% goes out to you as you struggle so deeply at this time. As I mentioned to someone just the other day: If someone asked me 'What is one of the worst forms of torture a person could experience?', without a 2nd thought, my response would be 'Depression'.

The 'shameful mum' thing, I get it, I really do. Easier said than done but try not to be too hard on yourself. At the tail end of my long time in depression, my daughter was 3 and my son was about 8 weeks old. Both my kids experienced different mothers for the 1st few years of their life. My daughter, having a mum in depression, witnessed lots of tears, some self-hatred, a lack of motivation and energy, the traits of a control freak, emotional disconnection and so on. My son got a mum who was happy, self-loving, motivated and energetic, easy going and outwardly loving. Yes, same physical woman, different mental states. Depression is such a cruel state to exist within. Our best is always something that will vary, depending on our circumstances. Given your circumstances, you are doing your best and that is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about.

The low self-esteem and depression thing is a little like the chicken and egg conundrum (which came 1st). I suspect, in many cases, low self-esteem and depression manifest around the same time (in their own way). Maybe this explains why when self-esteem grows significantly, depression decreases to some degree in certain ways. I read a great book not too long ago called 'The six pillars of self-esteem', by Nathaniel Branden. In giving you these 6 pillars, I will ask you to consider how often our guardians teach us these things. One could also ask how many parents out there set out to intentionally deprive their child of many of these things:

The practice of living consciously
The practice of self-acceptance
The practice of self-responsibility
The practice of self-assertiveness
The practice of living purposefully
The practice of personal integrity

It is never too late to ponder the power behind learning these skills.

I would suggest the real shame lies in your parents having never acknowledged you as a gift. As I say to my 2, now teenage, gifts 'You are 2 of my greatest teachers in life and I will forever love you and be indebted to you'.

You are still a gift to this day Bluebirdbrown and I imagine this is the reason your husband and kids love you - they see the truth.

Take care of yourself precious lady

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Bluebirdbrown — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 00:18:01 GMT

Hi Mary, therising and lee Lee,

Thanks soo much for your time and encouragement in replying me. It means a lot to me. you make me cry.....

I am interested to read the insightful book that therising referred to at some stage.

In the meantime, i am trying to start doing some mindfulness and breathing exercises. I hope it gives me a moment of hope and peace.

Bluebirdbrown

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Lee lee 73 — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 21:23:55 GMT

Hello bluebirdbrown,

I saw your recent posts on another thread. I hope you don't mind but I wanted to say hello and to see how you are going? I'm here often if you need a friend to listen. I f ind it helps when I share how I'm feeling. I do hope you are ok.

Kind thoughts

Lee

Depression leads to low self esteem and worthless- what do I do.

Bluebirdbrown — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 06:07:20 GMT

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you for writing to me and with your kind thoughts. It’s brightened my day. I had been away for awhile and I decided to come back and login with this forum and write something. There are a lot of interesting topics posted since I last read. It made me feel good connecting with others who care and inspire.
The New year has been a great start for me and I hope to continue doing my best!

I hope you have a good start of the new year too!

Bluebirdbrown