topic In pain in Depression

In pain

concused — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 22:38:39 GMT

We have just lost our dog of 10 years. My husband is 82 and not well. He was the thread which kept us going. A help to my husband when he wasn't well. My help when I needed it. We have lost our best friend. It hurts just as much as when I lost my son. I have been to the dr. And a psychologist..but I don't really want to do this anymore. I am not suicidal.,,,but it is now too hard. No....I don't want another dog..Eddie was one of a kind...almost human. Our day and night was devoted to Eddie. Just don't know what to do. Everywhere we went Eddie was there too. Am so so lost.

In pain

Guest8901 — Sat, 22 Sep 2018 00:00:09 GMT

Dear Concused

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your much loved dog Eddie. Our dogs really do become part of our family dont they? I have always had dogs and they are so important in our lives. I recall the last time I lost one of my much loved dogs, she was only 10 years old and died from snake bite. I was devastated and, although thats now about 9 years ago, I still have tears rolling down my cheeks as I think of her. Dont feel bad at all about comparing the loss of Eddie to the loss of any human family member. The grieving process is the same. Some people may say, that its only a pet, but to we pet owners, they are so much more than that.

My husband is currently very very ill as well, diagnosed with a terminal illness with an unknown life expectancy. We currently have a little dog, her name is Charli, and it sounds like she is much the same to us and what Eddie was to you and your husband. We both love Charli so much, and our life seems to revolve around her, especially now that hubby is so ill and is unable to do all the things he used to do.

I'm glad you have consulted your GP and also a psychologist for support. They should both be able to offer advice and self help tips on understanding and dealing with grief. The grieving process goes in stages, and the length of that process varies greatly between individuals.

You will always miss Eddie, as you were clearing devoted to him as he no doubt was to you and your husband. I can understand the reason you do not want another dog right now. Give yourself time, its possible you may change your mind in time. But do not allow yourself to be pressured into getting another dog unless you feel ready. You can never replace Eddie, but you can allow another dog into your heart. But please take your time.

If it would help for you to talk about how special your Eddie was, I would love to hear more about him. You are welcome to post here any time you need to talk or to release your feelings in a safe and caring place. I am sorry your post has gone unanswered for over a day, it seems that occasionally posts slip through the net. My reply here will boost your thread back up to the recent posts and it will likely mean you will recieve more replies soon.

Hang in there Concused, the pain of loss will remain, but it will ease over time. Soon you will remember all the good times you shared with Eddie, rather than the pain of his loss.

A big understanding hug coming your way.

Amanda 💜

In pain

Doolhof — Sat, 22 Sep 2018 02:03:43 GMT

Hello concused,

I to am very sorry for the loss of your precious dog Eddie.

I would like to comment on the very heartfelt, caring and lovely post from Amanda! I do so hope that Amanda's words help you.

Loss and grief can be hard emotions and feelings to deal with. I do so hope both you and your husband find ways to get through this and that someone is there to listen and help you.

All the best from Dools

In pain

concused — Sat, 22 Sep 2018 06:05:42 GMT

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry about your husband. The trouble with us is that Eddie was the thread which held us together. Unfortunately my husband also had severe depression and he will spiral downwards. Eddie was one of a kind. He knew when we needed him. He was a cheeky little thing. Loved his toys. Loved his cuddles and his walks. Never chewed or dug or disgraced himself indoors. To have another dog now..or for a long time will mean that he is easily replaced...which he isn't. We have brought his ashes home.....so he is home. It does help to talk......thank you.

In pain

concused — Sat, 22 Sep 2018 06:11:07 GMT

Thank you very much for your message. I know other people have lost pets....but our little man was so special. I lost my son 9 years ago and Eddie was there to help us through the pain. Yes I know the pain will ease......but at the moment it seems I am drowning. I have my precious daughter and granddaughter here at the moment.....but it will hit us when my husband and I just have each other to look at. I can't help him with his pain and he cant help me. It is wonderful to be able to share my pain. Thank you

In pain

Guest8901 — Sat, 22 Sep 2018 22:29:31 GMT

Dear Concused,

Thanks so much for replying back. I'm glad being able to talk about Eddie offers a degree of comfort. There is an old saying "although dogs are not our whole life, they do make our lives whole". It's very true.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son 9 years ago, he must have been still very young. We are not meant to bury our children. Eddie sounds so knowing, so connected, just gorgeous. They really do know when we are struggling emotionally, and I have no doubt he was a huge comfort while grieving your son. My vet says to me when I take Charli in for vaccinations "How is the best little dog in the world"? To me ... she is just that. Never naughty, always gentle, never destructive. She still has her soft squeeky toys from she was a puppy, squeek intact. She's obedient, only barks if a stranger comes to the door, is a little livewire at times, but then happy to sit alongside and be there for cuddles. My best dog in the world, as Eddie was yours.

Here is a poem by Colleen Fitzsimmons. I hope it brings you some comfort, as it did me.

Missing You
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see you were crying. You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I’m not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said “It’s me.”

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It’s possible for me to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew…
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over… I smile and watch you yawning
and say “Good-night, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out… then come home to be with me.

Amanda xx

In pain

concused — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 01:11:24 GMT

Thank you Amanda.....just beautiful. Can't reply now......just too emotional...but I will write back about our little man......

Thank you

In pain

Guest8901 — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 01:48:53 GMT

Thanks Concused, I would love to hear more about your special little man, Eddie.

A pet adds structure to our day, helps us to keep active and social and helps us to overcome setbacks and challenges in life. As you have found with the tragic loss of your son. A beloved pet also provides a sense of meaning or purpose to our lives. So, when a beloved pet such as Eddie dies, it’s very normal to feel a painful sense of grief and loss. He wasn't “just a dog” but he was a beloved member of your family, bringing companionship, fun, and joy to you and your husband's lives. As you mentioned, Eddie was the thread which bound the two of you together, he shared and helped grow your connection.

Please remember that grief is personal to you, so please do not feel ashamed about how strongly you feel for the loss of Eddie. It is very appropriate and normal to grieve for an animal friend. Unfortunately, experiencing loss is an inevitable part of owning a pet. I wish they had the life expectancy of humans. But even that is no guarantee that we will not lose them before their time.

Concused, please try to stay connected with friends. Having recently lost Eddie, it’s important that you don’t now spend day after day alone and grieving alongside your hubby. Some regular face-to-face contact can help you and your hubby deal with depression and to stay positive. Are you able to call a friend, relative or neighbour?

It’s also important to try maintain activity levels after the loss of Eddie. It may well be that Eddie meant you were being reasonably active, and now that he's no longer around, you may be considerably less so. So if it is appropriate for you to do so, perhaps a short walk on a daily basis would be good. It would also get you out of the house and with other people.

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy doing? Perhaps you could take up a long lost hobby or activity which you might find will help take your mind off your sadness. Even if only for a short while.

I note that you already see your GP and a psychologist. As your husband also suffers from depression, does he also receive treatment for it, eg medication, counselling, etc?

No hurry to respond Concused, I understand you'd be quite emotional. I was too as I read it again. Couldnt stop the flow of tears, and for me, its been over 9 years. Its still so fresh and raw for you. But it will get easier, I promise. 💜

Amanda

In pain

concused — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 08:32:27 GMT

Hello Amanda..thank you for your lovely message. Today has been a bit better. Went for a walk where I used to take Eddie. Thankfully I have a great group of friends who are very supportive. ..but as you can appreciate grief is a very personal thing.

I have managed to put a lovely photo of him in a frame and have it in the lounge.

i know the pain will lessen....well..not lessen but I will learn to live with it.

We are able to talk about his antics now without completely breaking down.....

I would like to keep writing to you as you have been so kind and I have gained strength from your words.

In pain

Guest8901 — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 11:08:36 GMT

Dear Concused,

I very happy to hear that today has been a better day for you. It must have been a difficult process for you to walk the same route you used to take Eddie on. So you did really well.

Fantastic that you have a supportive group of friends, it really does make a difference. Even if they dont fully understand your grieving process for Eddie. At least they are there for you, and plainly care about you.

Thats a lovely idea to frame one of your favourite photos of Eddie and to leave it in a prominent place. It will promote discussion and thoughts and memories of all the wonderful moments you all shared.

I still miss my previous little dog, who died 9 years ago. At the time I said I would never be able to have another dog. In the end, my current little dog came to me, rather than me going looking for her. I came across a woman in the street who had a cute little dog waiting for her in her car. I mentioned to her that she was a gorgeous little dog. We got talking and she learned that I'd lost my previous dog almost a year earlier. Turns out she had a second little dog at home who she really didnt want. Strangely they just didnt get along, not the lady nor her other dog. My Charli was 9 months old at the time. So this lady asked if I would be interested in taking this little dog on, she was going to take her to the pound otherwise. She only lived nearby so I went and met her. She was so tiny, so cute, so sad. I took her home and she's been my devoted companion ever since. Even my husband, who is old school and does not agree with dogs inside, is totally smitten with her. She has us wrapped round her sweet natured little paw. So although it was not my intention to get another dog after the loss of my previous one, I am now so happy that Charli unexpectedly crossed my path. I cannot imagine life without her now. But of course I also know, with her approaching 10 years old, there will sadly come a time. But touch wood, she is in good health for now. And most smaller breeds of dog, tend to live until they're 15 or 16yo.

Thank you for your very generous words Concused. It would give me much pleasure to continue to converse with you too. So please ... write any time you want to. I may not always reply immediately, but I will get back to you when I can. My husbands ill health and my own ptsd issues means I sometimes need to take a bit of a break.

Is there another name you'd like me to use, other than Concused?

Amanda xx

In pain

concused — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 23:25:40 GMT

Hello Amanda. ...my name is Irene. Thank you for your message. I have a busy day today but will write tonight. You have given me strength. You seem to be in a bad place also what with your hubby's health and your own.

Take care friend

In pain

concused — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 23:38:00 GMT

Amanda ..can I ask how you felt beinging in another dog?

In pain

Doolhof — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 00:00:33 GMT

Hello Again, May I call you Irene?

It is wonderful you have been able to place a photo of Eddie in the loungeroom and that you are able to talk a little more about him.

A sense of grief and loss does not necessarily ever go away and that is okay. To me that just shows how much we have the capability to love and care for someone or something.

A few years ago I cried for days when a goldfish died! I don't think my grief was just for the goldfish, but maybe for other issues of grief and loss I had not been able to deal with in the past.

I'm wondering if it is possible for you to share or borrow someone else's dog now and then. Maybe there is a neighbour who would be happy for you to be a part of their dogs life. Maybe there is dog park close to you where you can both sit a while and enjoy watching other people's dogs.

My husband and I are cat lovers. In saying that, I would dearly love to have a dog but my husband is not at all keen. When or last cat died, we were devastated, she used to greet us when we came home and always seemed to happy to be with us...as much as a cat can show that!

We now have another cat. She is completely different in character and behaviour apart from the wanting to sleep all day bit! She will never replace our old cat. For us, it was what we needed.

Can you and your husband find some different things to do, is there something you may have wanted to do but haven't done so as yet. A change, variety, anticipation, all of these can help with depression.

Wishing you a day where the memories are strong but not so painful.

Cheers from Dools

In pain

Guest8901 — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 13:16:50 GMT

Hello Irene, and thanks for getting back to me. How was your day today? You mentioned you had a busy day planned. I hope it was a pleasant day, one which included some joy.

It makes me very happy to hear you say that talking here has given you some strength. I think thats the nature and aim of these peer support forums. I hope you continue to find that here.

Yes ... you're right ... it is very difficult juggling my husband health and care needs as well as my own. My husband has many medical appointments each week, at least 2, and up to 6 weekly. And somewhere in there I manage to fit in appointments for myself as well. But we manage dont we? I expect you must have similar difficulties with your husband. How is he holding up lately, since the loss of Eddie? You said you expected he would likely spiral into depression.

Dools has offered some excellent suggestions including borrowing or pet sitting someone elses dog. Would that be an option for you, do you think? If you simply cannot bear to get another dog, perhaps another type of pet would be easier for you - have you considered getting a cat or a bird perhaps? I have budgies, and they're great little companions. Mine are kept in a large outdoor aviary where they can fly around. But even so they are still very tame and come and sit on my hand (or my head) when I walk in to top up their feed and water, or to take some special treat in for them. Something for you to think about I guess.

How did I feel bringing in a new dog when we first got Charli? Hmmm, difficult to analyse. Remember I didnt purposely set out to obtain another dog. Charli just 'happened', most unexpectedly. I think it was just meant to be really. When I first brought her home, my husband was angry with me. But she was such a sweet natured, good little dog that she quickly won him over. She was just never any trouble, always so gentle, so quiet, so good. In all respects she was just perfect.

Its strange ... I never really compared her to my previous dog, and I still dont. They are both very different in temperament, despite being similar breed. I guess its like having children - there is room in our hearts to love more than one. Love can be equally as strong for each, but for different reasons and different qualities. Hope I'm making some sense here Irene? Lovely name by the way ... I have a relative whose name is Irene, and she too is a lovely lady.

Okay so its my bedtime, and I will bid you good night.

Amanda 💜

In pain

concused — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 08:58:05 GMT

Hello Amanda, thank you for your note , yesterday and today have been better....we have kept ourselves busy. Yesterday I caught up with some friends who are very supportive. Today hubby and I got some plants for the garden and spent the afternoon in the garden. A bit tough as Eddie used to love it when we were in the garden.My husband has many medical issues too and it is a battle to keep him well and positive. He has had a few breakdowns but overall he is actually doing quite well. In my family I have been the one to keep things going......Oh Irene will fix that etc....so it was though when I needed help. My daughter has been a big help.Yes, Dools had a good idea re walking someone else's dog etc...but at the moment I can't even bring myself to touch another dog. But that might change. We have had several animals and I never compared one to another. My husband has made it quite clear that we are not to have any more pets in the future.....don't know how I feel about that. Eddie was as much a therapy to him as to me... We were never meant to have Eddie in the first place....but we ended up with him through a series of events.....we have known him since he was a tiny thing......I have never regretted having him. I guess in a way it will be a good idea to be pet free for a while....but I need something which I can love unconditionally and will love me back the same. I know this stems from my childhood....not so good...but that is a whole long story.....Thank you for being a listening person.....it helps me to get things off my chest. I know in time the pain will be something that will be there but I might be able to tuck it away in a drawer with the other pains.....I am glad you have your pooch and that your husband is glad you have him.....I hope things for you get easier. I take my hat off to you...you have some big problems yourself and you have managed to make time for me....Thank you very much.....I look forward to sharing mh thoughts with you and hooe that in the future I may be able to put a smile on your face.

Have a good night...and be kind to yourself......you have been so helpful to me already.

In pain

concused — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 09:12:04 GMT

Hello Dools, thank you for your kind words. We are doing the best we can...I have had a lot of pets in my life but this little man has broken my heart. He gave so much and asked for so little. No, I can't even bring myself to to touch another dog.....but I guess that will pass...so at the moment I can't even consider looking after some one elses dog..

We had been looking at places where we could go away and take Eddie with us....we have family interstate so I guess we can do those trips now without trying to have someone look after Eddie. With my hubby being on the frail side, it will be a bit hard to do too much..but we willmtake one day at a time. We have had a reasonable day today working in the garden...even though we know Eddie loved being in the garden with us chasing his ball. I am very sensitive and small things will trigger the tears. I need to be strong now for my hubbys sake....

What gets me through each day is that i know Eddie was sick...he is not suffering now.....and I held him when he died.....I gave him a kiss..which he always liked, and he was gone before I knew. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and be grateful that he is in a better place...hopefully sitting on my sons lap.

Thank you for taking the time to write.

I am very grateful.

Thank you..good night Irene

In pain

Doolhof — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 07:26:40 GMT

Dear Irene,

The sense of grief and loss is understandable, it does sound like Eddie was such a very precious soul. It is very hard to say goodbye to a creature so very special.

We used to have chooks, I thoroughly enjoyed their company out in the garden, one of them especially was so friendly and stuck next to me. They were funny and had their own character. When I was in the garden just recently, I thought of our chooks and had a few tears.

It must be comforting to think of your dear Eddie being with your son, that is such an endearing thought to have.

Hopefully you will be able to get away and enjoy some time together. Many years ago I had a back injury. My husband would drive me to the beach, I would sit in the car, smell the ocean and watch the waves, then we would drive home again sometimes after having had lunch there or an ice-cream.

To me just getting out of the house was very nice. Hopefully you can have some nice moments as well.

I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself, you are missing a treasured pet and that realisation hurts.

I do so hope you and your husband are able to have some happy moments together, even if they are tinged with sad memories.

Cheers to you from Dools

In pain

concused — Sun, 30 Sep 2018 21:51:54 GMT

Hello Dools. Thank you for your lovely message. We are slowly getting there. Still very sad but keep telling ourselves that he is in a far better place. We have been getting out as much as we can though my husbands health makes it a little hard. I have always had pets and have always been very attached. We too had chickens and a special one called Millie. She followed me about. I know there are still a lot of hard days to come missing Eddie but he will always have that special little corner of my heart. Thank you for being an ear ....you and Amanda have helped me a lot. It is wonderful that by being able to share my pain and also to hear orher people's story it has made the burden bearable. Thank you. I hope that we still can chat. Regards Irene

In pain

concused — Sun, 30 Sep 2018 21:59:32 GMT

Hello Amanda

Just wanted to let you know that we are doing a bit better. Keep telling ourselves that the little man is in a better place. I was already worried him getting through our hot summer.

We are trying to get out a bit. We do the walk around our wetlands where we used to take Eddie. Was very hard at first but we also feed a lot of ducks...so that has become our focus.

thank you for being there when I needed someone...

I am happy that there are a couple of ears...eyes ....to listen when it is needed.

I hope things for you travel well....

Rehards Irene

In pain

Guest8901 — Sun, 30 Sep 2018 22:23:37 GMT

Dear Irene,

Thanks for the update. I am so glad to hear that things are getting a little easier for you and your hubby and that you are both getting out there and remaining proactive. The walks around the wetlands sound particularly nice.

My apologies for not being around for a few days. I've been busy with psych apts for myself and medical apts for hubby. And on the weekends I tend to crash a little, both emotionally and physically.

I dont have a lot of time right now, but wanted you to know I havent forgotten you. I will come back again soon and respond properly. There are a few other threads here on the forums I think you may find helpful, so will let you know about those when I come back.

Talk later Irene.

Amanda 💜