topic Still grieving six years later? in Depression

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sat, 21 May 2022 11:12:26 GMT

Hello all, I hope you are doing okay. Right.. here we go.

In roughly 2011 I resigned (technically quit) my job of almost 10 years and I was living with my parents. During this time my mother got diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and later, a blood disease. My father who owned his own business found it helpful that I was there with her during the day while he was at work as she declined rather quickly. Before I could decide what to do about getting another job, my father got diagnosed with cancer. I became an at-home carer for the next six years until they passed away a month from each other six years ago.

I have a sibling who has lived overseas for many years now and who was not there for 99% of that time that I was there helping them and trying to find a way to stay in control of my own life as depression was already starting to become a part of my life. My sibling came down at the tail end (just after our mother passed away) and as my father was in his last weeks. We hadn't gotten to process my mother's passing by the time we were told by the doctors that my father was in his last days. So when my father passed away I felt completely lost at the time and although my sibling had a life to get back to, I had nothing. I had no choice but to let the feelings wash over me and to face it all head-on which led me to eventually see my GP where I did an assessment and she said it seemed like generalised anxiety disorder and depression. I didn't have the money for therapy so we did the ten free government sessions. I did two of those which weren't all that helpful being that they are too short to even begin to benefit from the therapy. I ended up doing a third session after realising I wasn't getting better and I went straight to my GP to discuss it.

It's been six years and it feels like everybody wants me to be healed and fully moved on with my life but it's not that easy. I have tried to do a lot of inner work on myself but people seem to be more interested in the material things like why I still don't have a job (I have an income that allows me to pay rent and food) but people don't understand how hard this has been for me including my sibling who has in all honesty, been rather detached from the whole situation being in another country. I feel pressure to be better than I am but the truth is I am still depressed and I have good days and bad days. I'm tired of putting the happy face on when sometimes I don't feel that happy.

Still grieving six years later?

white knight — Sat, 21 May 2022 11:47:27 GMT

Hi, welcome

"I am not in this world to live up to others expectations " a well known quote.

I have some important comments to make on this topic-

Grief is personal and unique to the individual in length to overcome and intensity
Comments from others in terms of their expectations that you should be working is Intrusive and rude. Their is sometimes a reason for such comments- like, if you're the type that shares a lot of information about your life they can feel free or obliged to influence you. If so, reduce mentioning the subject. Working part time could improve your quality of life however, in terms of distraction from personal challenges and self esteem
Both parents passing within a short time (after nursing them so long) likely compounded your grief
Try to surround yourself with empathetic people. If relatives aren't caring or understanding then drift somewhat
Google- beyondblue topic fortress of survival. Beyondblue topic distraction and variety. Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

I hope that helps. Repost anytime

TonyWK

Still grieving six years later?

quirkywords — Sat, 21 May 2022 11:57:36 GMT

Child@heart

Thanks for your honest and moving post.
white knight has given very helpful suggestions.
I am so sorry for your losses.

Grief has no use by date.

Still grieving six years later?

smallwolf — Sat, 21 May 2022 12:11:27 GMT

hello and welcome.

while I don't have direct experience of what you are going through, I had many chats with some who lived near me. He looked after his own parents for 15+ years. In that time I would say that former connections were lost among other things. After both of his parents died, it seemed he was lost - the people he looked after were gone and a great hole in his life. Going back to the work is not an easy decision and that does not take into account the grief process. Going back to work may not fill in that hole either. I think in a similar way to you, his brother while geographically close appeared close was emotionally distant, or at least had that appearance.

In my own story, possibility exists in reaching out to old contacts.

I will say to you that you have been very kind in looking after your parents, perhaps putting your own the goasl and dreams aside to do this. The pain that you feel is real, and moving forward is possible. How long that takes I cannot answer. You might able to find a local grief support group?

For some whose parents have died, think if them in the present - their presence is still in the hearts and thoughts.

Some like to do something in memory of their parents - a letter, growing something, doing a walk they used to do.

A friend whose husband died a long time ago says she still has low days.

Sometimes getting through the day is enough.

If you want to chat more about this here... You story is worth telling and I am listening to you.

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sat, 21 May 2022 12:14:00 GMT

Thank you for the support and the information. You are right about not letting others have control and it's hard to explain but I went through a lot of other difficult things before my parents got sick and I guess I have spent most of my life feeling like I'm a huge disappointment. I guess that's why I try to people please and heal in the way people want me to or try to at least act like I'm respecting their thoughts and wishes even though they have no idea how it feels to be me.

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sat, 21 May 2022 12:15:08 GMT

Thank you for your kind words. I like that - grief has no use-by date.

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sat, 21 May 2022 12:31:18 GMT

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and not just read but listen.

I can't even imagine what it must be like to have been going through that for over 15 years. Six felt like a lifetime to me. You're words let me know that I'm not alone in this situation so thank you.

Sadly my story doesn't just begin and end with my parents. I was heavily bullied at school not just by my peers but by the teachers as well. Constantly telling me that I was never going to be good enough for anything. You're all so kind here, back in my school days when I reached out on a self-help forum they told me I should.. well in order to not say their exact words.. "not be here" anymore.

After school, I was further bullied believe it or not at training school for something at the time I felt was my life's passion causing me to leave and feel like that failure I was told I was. Fast-forwarding to getting my first job where I was let go on weeks in because it was a family run business and they had a family member who decided they wanted their old job back and I got kicked to the curb to where I had to then tell my parents that I just got fired from my first job following the disappointment of the training school. I finally got a job in the same industry but a different position and was told by my boss on the very first day that she didn't like me and made my days thereafter a living hell. Fast forward to three bosses later and having them throw good feedback letters I was getting from clients in the bin only to bring me into the office every day to tell me that I was doing a bad job. Embarrassingly I also had an old teacher from my school days (high school), come into my place of work, see me running the show and leading my team and then in front of my staff and my boss said "wow I can't believe you got a job and made something of yourself the teachers back at the school will never believe it." I even got demoted for something I didn't do and had to earn my old position back. I eventually quit wanting to move on to something better and that's when my parents got sick and it all kept going downhill.

Still grieving six years later?

Sophie_M — Sat, 21 May 2022 12:32:39 GMT

Dear Child@Heart

Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community.

We’d like to acknowledge the strength it took to reach out and share what is happening for you. We can hear that you’re going through a really difficult time, and we want you to know that we’re here for you.

We’re sorry to hear of the loss of your parents, and it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling to come to terms with all that has happened.

It’s important to give yourself time and permission to grieve, and to do so at your own pace. It’s also really important to acknowledge the loving and supportive son you were for your parents. Being there in their time of need would have provided immense comfort for them both.

It can make a real difference having someone to talk to, so we’d like to invite you to call our wonderful counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or jump onto a webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/ Our counsellors are available 24/7 to provide care and support.

Our friends at Griefline offer counselling to help you cope with your loss. You can contact them on 1300 845 745 between 6am to 12am.

Thank you again for being part of this very supportive community.

Warm regards

Sophie M

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sat, 21 May 2022 12:35:19 GMT

Thank you, Sophie, I made a comment previous about how kind and welcoming everybody is here.

Thank you for the information and your support. It really does mean a lot.

Still grieving six years later?

HamSolo01 — Sat, 21 May 2022 21:29:45 GMT

hi Child@Heart

I just wanted to say that reading this line "It's been six years and it feels like everybody wants me to be healed and fully moved on with my life but it's not that easy. "
This was something I could resonate with. Quite a lot. I have felt that everybody wants me to be healed. That I must be moved on with my life. And yes - it's not that easy is it?

"I have tried to do a lot of inner work on myself but people seem to be more interested in the material things like why I still don't have a job"
Again this is a theme in my own world atm. I am 28 and have felt the pressure of modern hustle culture pushing me about.

There is tragedy in my world - both my own and also those close to me. My sister nearly died many years ago when she was 9 and has since had all sorts of health issues that keep piling on. I read a quote recently - "There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in…"

Maybe in my experience this moment came and hit me at 16. I guess what I'm saying is that I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of tragedy.

I sense a great sense of strength in you Child@Heart

TAke care of you and see you around

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sun, 22 May 2022 01:02:56 GMT

Hi there HamSolo01,

Thank you for your words and for letting me know as the others here, that I am not alone.

I am so sorry for the things you have been going through, and for what has happened with your sister. I would literally offer a hug if I could. I certainly hope that there are better days ahead for you and for your sister.

My username is Child At Heart because I have a huge passion for music and I know everybody knows mmmbop from Hanson. I was obsessed with them as a kid, but actually, that love hasn't stopped they have been growing so much as a band both musically and lyrically and I wanted to share something from one of their new songs Child At Heart because it offers me some comfort and perhaps it will you too.

"You can just breathe, you are no mistake. Though you're feeling strange, just give your heart away like you're not afraid to face another day. Though you're feeling far, you can chase a star like a child at heart."

Thank you for your words on my strength although I struggle to see that in myself. Just when I feel like I have achieved something or even just the realisation that somehow yes I'm still here.. there are always others with their words like "why aren't you doing this", "why haven't you done that" and then I feel small again and unimportant and weak..not strong just weak.

I like to make people happy. I always have ever since I was little, I like to put a smile on people's faces to see them laugh or just have somebody feel love. Genuine love. Yet it seems like all I seem to receive is less than and people will take and take and they don't realise how much they keep stripping away from me. I would like to help people who are struggling and I realise I can't fully do that until I'm in a better place but I still try because I know what it's like. But then I offer words of wisdom, I give the comfort and then they go away having gotten what they came for and then I'm left with the darkness again and the solitude.

I like to write lyrics and this is from one of my songs

"She walks alone in a world she's been slowly rejecting. Burnt too many times, it's a cold heart she's now protecting. Stones they never hurt, but their words have bruised her mind. Searching for a pulse, the one thing that she cant find. Chorus.. there's nothing left, she says there's nothing left. There used to be something, but now there's nothing left."

It feels like that sometimes. Anyway I hope you find your happiness and I hope one day I do too.

Still grieving six years later?

white knight — Sun, 22 May 2022 02:35:16 GMT

Hi again,

I'm loving this chat here. This forum is ideal for you actually. So much information here. I see you like writing. We have a poetry corner and it has many poems on mental health, short lines that make sense like Quirky's line "grief has no use-by date" that resonates and makes a difference to our thinking.

I'd like to echo smallwolf's words that you are a kind hearted person that cared for your parents. Such an example of humility.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/humility-and-the-good-samaritan-

The bullying side of people that you experienced in school by students and teachers, many of us have gone through that. I'd like to say however- it is usually the sensitive types that suffer the effects of that. Many bullied people can brush it off and move forward. But you suffer further and deeper. Also being a people pleaser does attract the controlling side to others.

In my experience trying to change doesnt work. In fact I'd argue that by changing into a harder person loses some of your personality and why do that? I say that because it is the perpetrators that should change!! Your kind heart is your greatest asset, its the beauty in you, the "wonder". It's also your nature and you cant change that.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion

Regards TonyWK

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sun, 22 May 2022 03:13:46 GMT

"I'm loving this chat here. This forum is ideal for you actually. So much
information here. I see you like writing. We have a poetry corner and
it has many poems on mental health, short lines that make sense like
Quirky's line "grief has no use-by date" that resonates and makes a
difference to our thinking."

I love writing, actually. I have written a few lyrics and I have written a children's book but I'm not in the position to get it published at this time sadly. I will have a look at the poetry corner thank you for telling me about it.

"The bullying side of people that you experienced in school by students
and teachers, many of us have gone through that. I'd like to say
however- it is usually the sensitive types that suffer the effects of
that. Many bullied people can brush it off and move forward. But you
suffer further and deeper. Also being a people pleaser does attract the
controlling side to others."

Yes, unfortunately, this I understand. Many have told me to toughen up but I simply can't it's all a part of who I am. I wish sensitivity wasn't seen in such a bad light and posed as more of a weakness than anything else.

"In my experience trying to change doesnt work. In fact I'd argue that by
changing into a harder person loses some of your personality and why do
that? I say that because it is the perpetrators that should change!!
Your kind heart is your greatest asset, its the beauty in you, the
"wonder". It's also your nature and you cant change that."

You know my my brother sent me to a life coach thinking that would help me "get back into the world" but it was just all about choosing a career path and things like that when there's much more to life. I actually remember saying to her in her office "why is it always about what you do and why is it never more about who you are?". It's like when you go to social gatherings and you meet new people and the first thing they say is so where do you work? what do you do? Some people are lucky to be living the dream and have a job that is their life passion but not everybody's job can be as relatable to themselves as a person or defines them. So I always wish that just once somebody would ask me who I am and not what I do.

Still grieving six years later?

white knight — Sun, 22 May 2022 09:36:28 GMT

Re: "So I always wish that just once somebody would ask me who I am and not what I do."

Unfortunately that's not how people commonly behave. I do understand though but, if someone asked me "who are you, who is Tony the person"? I could take it as too Intrusive too fast.

Life with humans include- toleration, awareness of manipulation, scheming, their addictions, anger, unreasonableness etc. These negatives in people are hard to swallow but I put to you one fact-

"Far easier to learn to accept others as different than to constantly wish they'd be who we'd prefer them to be."

In terms of people we find intolerable'

"Far easier to avoid..even discard, than risk our mental health on anyone that categorises us in any way that devalues us"

My theory on employment

"The most important job in a hospital is the cleaner. Likely the lowest paid they prevent germs, vital in such locations."

TonyWK

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Sun, 22 May 2022 10:17:42 GMT

Thank you once again for your interesting insight. I see where you are coming from about who are you and seeming intrusive but I wasn't necessarily meaning somebody literally getting straight to the point like you put it but rather in the sense that there's a want to get to know me beyond a generic question like what do you do for work? Maybe that's just me lol.

Also, you have the same name as my dad. 🙂

Still grieving six years later?

HamSolo01 — Mon, 23 May 2022 04:41:10 GMT

That truly is a great song Child@Heart

I love the lyrics. But I love the slow tempo and tone. Gives me a sense of reassurance.

Much needed I must say. Gonna add that to my spotify playlist.

Your post has garnered a lot of empathy from me today actually Child@Heart - "But then I offer words of wisdom, I give the comfort and then they go away having gotten what they came for and then I'm left with the darkness again and the solitude." This is something I can totally relate to.

I have found however that the darkness and the solitude was once frightening but is now solace. It is akin to peace and tranquility. No noise. No mental stimulation. Just quiet and peace. I guess over time I have gotten used to that? But in that period of time I learned how to relate to people better. Ironic isn't it? By spending time in the wilderness (not literally) of course.

on the past weekend I was working at a polling place for the AEC> This was the first time I was in any form of paid work for about 3 months. Yes it was only 1 day, but I had some very interesting chats with people. One person was 23 and studied physics. Straight away we were talking about how there was a paradigm shift in the world we inhabit. Most people are at this odd stage which shouldn't really be odd per se, but it is odd in a sense that we as a society have grown used to this functional shell model of existence. I spoke to one lady who told me her relative's daughter took her own life not too long ago and had bipolar. We were talking about mental health a lot and how she had quit a job very recently (as did the 23 year old guy from earlier). She was about 50 something she said. Still another lady was a full time carer for a cancer patient and we were talking about the nature of our politics and society. And yet someone else also felt the same about worked and had left.

I guess my point in telling you this story is that I feel that many are of the same view and experience as we are. People are tired. People are sad. There's so much happening. IT's too much.

I guess this sense of balanced optimism for the future is something I've only come to be familiar with.

Your lyric here too "Stones they never hurt, but their words have bruised her mind" I believe in the end that bruises always make that part of our body stronger. Once it heals.

I recommend the song Heal by Tom Odell

Much healing to you my friend and i look forward to speaking with you again soon 🙂

hey also White Knight

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Tue, 24 May 2022 02:55:37 GMT

I'm glad You liked the song HamSolo! I will make sure to take a look at the Tom Odell song as well so thank you. 🙂

The stories you shared touched my heart with sadness. You're right, we're not the only ones and there are many who suffer and suffer in silence. Especially over the last couple of years with Covid in the mix. I can't even imagine how Covid would have affected those caring for others at home as I did.

"Your lyric here too "Stones they never hurt, but their words have bruised her mind" I believe in the end that bruises always make that part of our body stronger. Once it heals."

I agree to a degree, but everybody has different pain thresholds and ways of coping and for some, the pain ends up being too great and they simply can't cope. I don't necessarily think everything we go through makes us stronger (especially me being the empath I am with my super sensitivity) I think some things just make us.. well, hurt and bruised and maybe those wounds depside seeming healed or less prominent to outsiders, are still fresh and still painful. Sorry, I know that's a bit morbid and to the positive way of looking at it but that's just the truth I feel. Some things have made me stronger while others still cause me great pain and have only served to make me feel worse.

Still grieving six years later?

HamSolo01 — Tue, 24 May 2022 04:20:31 GMT

Hey Friend

Today i had a feedback from one of my most recent interviews. I didn't get the job but the feedback was helpful.

I then had a summary interview from another role I applied to. I came out of that role feeling really overwhelmed. I felt like I was weak. Like I was pathetic. But I am slowly beginning to realise that most of this is self generated. I need to go deeper into that idea. That it is self generated. Internal.

I am going to ring a helpline and chat to them. I am not in good headspace today. But I guess I had a healthy lunch (pork leftover, salmon from a tin, yoghurt and some almonds). I had a crappy breakfast.

I went to the gp this morning and told him what was going on atm. I think he now understands my history. ITs a medical centre so i just see who is available. I don't mind telling my story to people over and over again.

What you said about hurting. Yeah I do get that. I guess it would depend on the experience hey? Sometimes I think I am invincible to being hurt but there are things that did hurt. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism on my part?

Speaking of songs - right now I have "on the nature of daylight" playing in the background. It's a song I always come back to. Whether I'm sad, happy or pensive I always find it hits the right chord in me. It strikes me where I need it most in that moment.

Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart — Tue, 24 May 2022 05:24:46 GMT

Hi, back new friend! 🙂

I'm sorry about your interview experiences but I'm glad that you got some feedback as it's always helpful. Unfortunately, I can't relate to what happens in interviews now as my last one was when I was 18 (I'm 36 now). The job I worked at for almost ten years I started when I was 18 then six years being a carer and the rest well... trying to do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. For others, it's moving on with my life and well I guess for me more so healing still and grieving (don't think that ever goes away though). When my parents passed my brother wanted me to get a job immediately but I was too scared to do it. I hadn't been to an interview like I said since I was 18 and then hadn't worked in six at the time. He ended up sending me to a resume writer (in all honesty I liked my resume how it was lol) but she made me freak out about getting a job completely. She asked me what I had done at my job and when I told her things like doing important charity balls, black-tie gala dinners, looking after the Japanese ambassador, even personal assistant for a day to a band I used to love as a kid. Once she heard all that she made my resume sound like I was the bees knees and that scared me because I wasn't ready. There was no way I could go back into the job I used to do and for many reasons.

When I went and saw a life coach although she couldn't help with my grief and depression she did make me realise why I really worked in the job I did and it was simple.. I love people. I loved talking to people, making them smile and generally making people happy. I'm still fighting the people that say I should be lucky to get whatever I can get and so why haven't I applied for anything. I guess it doesn't help that my brother has a fancy job (literally it's the dream job for him). Well, I guess in a way yes I'm still scared but I also feel like there's something else out there for me. At least that is if I can move on from the grief, the depression and anxiety and the uh.. other thoughts that pop up.

I hope that you can chat to somebody and do check back in to say how you're doing if you would like.

I know what you mean about coping mechanisms sometimes.

I will look into that song. When I get deep into my depression I always end up listening to "how to disappear completely" by Radiohead. Though I know that's a sad song shared by many.

Still grieving six years later?

HamSolo01 — Tue, 24 May 2022 10:57:20 GMT

I see Child@HEart

thanks for sharing a bit more of your story btw

i appreciate it

I will reply another time as I'm rather tired atm

take care of yourself 🙂