topic I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be? in Depression

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Fri, 20 Apr 2018 01:11:54 GMT

Hi there,
I'm not exactly too good at conveying my thoughts in a succinct manner, so I'm sorry if this get's confusing.

As the title says I don't really feel anything anymore. I sort of walk around like some sort of robot, going through the motions, feigning happiness when I'm in my classes at uni and I don't know if this is normal? It's almost like my base mood is really quite low and flat, and that I feel empty as if there's nothing left in me. I don't genuinely feel happiness (only fleeting moments), I don't even feel sad a lot of the time, I just don't really feel anything.

I'll admit, I've put myself through a lot of sleep deprivation due to studying which started maybe around year 12 (so I've done it on and off for about 3 years), and my diet hasn't been the best so that could be why I feel low on energy at times, but I have been working on sleeping more instead of staying up late to finish work.

Despite this, my low / empty feelings persist, it feels more than just tiredness. I don't care for things anymore. Things don't give me any satisfaction, I don't get really upset over things anymore (aside from when I'm super stressed from uni and break down haha), I don't get really happy over anything either. Music, the one thing which I swore I could never live without, which used to make me feel good, is now starting to sound like noise in my ears to block out the world. I don't really know why I am this way.

I used to put this "deadness" down to my personality, I've been this dry/kind of emotionless person for as long as I can remember, but I think lately it's gotten a little worse. I was always told as a child to "smile more" or to stop being pessimistic etc. but now I've kind of begun to wonder whether this is just my personality or if it is something more?

At times, on top of my low mood I get hit with really dark periods where I lose all motivation, I don't talk to anyone (not that I have anyone aside from my family to talk to anyway), I don't do anything. I just sit in bed and watch crap on netflix or youtube to distract myself from the thoughts. I feel that I cry more easily nowadays (and I don't really know why because I don't feel extremely sad) and these periods have started happening more frequently as of late.

I don't know if this is depression. I don't have any real reason to be depressed. Is it all in my head? I really have no idea anymore. Has anyone felt the same way before?

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

White_Rose — Fri, 20 Apr 2018 02:03:04 GMT

Dear Faegirl

Hello and welcome to the forum. So pleased you found us. You have told us your thoughts very well and I am not confused. Good stuff.

If you are concerned about being clinically depressed may I point you to the literature on BB. Top of the page under The Facts. Heaps of information that may help you. Look at the Anxiety and Depression checklist (K10) under The Facts. It's not a diagnostic tool but will give an indication of where you are. Then if you want to follow up on this take it to your GP and go from there.

I agree about eating the right foods. I know my mood changes if I don't eat properly for more than a couple of meals. It is good to get into the habit of having meals with all the right things. You can eat chocolate or biscuits or whatever in small amounts without your mood going down. Well, not unless there is another cause for the way you feel.

Depression does not need a reason to push its way into your life. The Black Dog makes itself at home wherever it fancies. It's no respecter of gender, financial status, age, ethnicity, skin colour, or any other attribute you can think of. It walks into the happiest of homes and jumps all over the affected person. So please do not blame yourself.

Has anyone felt the same way before? Oh yes I have been there and sometimes find myself back there. You believe you have no feelings good or bad, and that is upsetting because you know this is not usual for you. Yes, lack of sleep and too much work can rob you of feelings because you have no energy. However you must have some feeling for yourself because you have come here, self preservation. Also you say you cry a lot although you are not sure why.

When you have gone for a long period without sleep it takes time to regain your former alertness. A couple of good night's sleep make you feel a bit better but you need to repair the damage to your system. Again a matter to discuss with your doctor. I think this is pretty serious and you need help. While you are young and fit, constant overworking and lack of sleep can be managed to some extent, but as you have discovered time catches up with you.

I'm sure a doctor will tell you it can lead to all sorts of horrible illnesses and they are probably right. I have had breast cancer twice and my oncologist tells me I stand a better chance of avoiding a third cancer if I lose some weight. Having been given the heads up I am now losing weight. Not easy to do.

I hope you will write in again.

Mary

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

Chloe_M — Fri, 20 Apr 2018 02:11:37 GMT

Hi faegirl,

I'm glad you posted. I am here to help you! Welcome!

So sometimes you are sad, sometimes happy, but most the time you feel nothing. You fake happiness. You ask if this is normal. Is it? It is for me lol. I have depression and anxiety. I often pretend to be happy. So is this normal? I don't actually know. But I don't think so.

That's good about making an effort to get better sleep. You need to balance your life in order for it to be healthy.

All of this that you have written sounds similar to what I'm dealing with, which might be depression (im undiagnosed). But i cannot diagnose you. No one here can. We are just here to support you.

To answer your question, yes I feel the same way as you are now.

I hope you feel better today. Keep trying to do the things you used to enjoy. You don't want to lose parts of your identity.

Chloe x

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

OnlyHuman — Fri, 20 Apr 2018 12:01:50 GMT

Hello Faegirl,

Welcome to the forum 🙂

Chloe is definitely right in that we cannot give you a diagnosis of any sort, but we can support you and also give you a bit of our own experiences too.

You aren't alone in feeling that way. While what Mary said is also true about the other things such as sleep and diet that may be contributing to this sensation (or lack of), there is also often a misconception that having depression means being sad. I can only say from experience, but that is not true. Having depression can also give you a feeling of, well, not feeling (except for some negative and/or extreme sensations such as stress or anxiety.)

I have been diagnosed for almost a year, but have lived with depression around 6 years before that, and during that time I had a blunted/flat affect, apathy and no sense of satisfaction or joy - many people said I reminded them of the cartoon 'Daria' and I too also received commands from others to 'smile'.

Sometimes when we look at our lives objectively, we see little reason to feel empty, but that isn't a reason for neglecting our response to it. Having some time to reflect may also help to find where this sensation stems from and why. Is there something you are dissatisfied with? How were things different before you felt this way?

Hope this helps somewhat, and it's great that you're reaching out 🙂

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

stormcloudz — Fri, 20 Apr 2018 12:39:05 GMT

I might be wrong, but I have found that a wave of depression/numbness often follows anxiety. Sometimes it happens so fast, the anxiety doesn't even show up consciously. I often wonder if the numbness is there to block out the pain, and maybe there's a lot of feelings underneath.

Regardless, faegirl, it's time to get yourself some support. Numbness and losing interest in music isn't a way to thrive.

Keep posting here, there's amazing people on this board who can provide advice, and see your GP to get some help. Some GPs are great in understanding these issues, some aren't, so if you hit a bad one, move on to the next, just like you would with a barista who can't make a decent soy chai latte ; )

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 02:59:46 GMT

Hi Mary,
Thanks for your response. I'm so, so sorry to hear that you've suffered from breast cancer twice. That must be really hard. I hope you manage to avoid a third cancer. x

I took a look at the K10 checklist and I managed to score "high" 😕 I will take a look at some of the other information on this site as well.

I don't eat too much junk, I try and eat good foods, but I probably should've been a little more specific. By "bad diet" I meant I don't really eat much anymore, whoops. I don't really have an appetite like I used to, and I get full pretty quickly. Whatever I have been eating though, I've been trying to make sure it's nutritious (though I could probably do better).

This past week I've been trying to get as much sleep as I can, but on a few nights I kept waking up 😕 It's almost as if my body doesn't want me to get a good solid sleep.

Again, thanks for your response. It is nice to know that there is support out there. xx

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 03:03:34 GMT

Hi Chloe,
Thanks for replying, sorry you're going through the same thing I am. It really sucks 😕 I hope you eventually no longer have to fake happiness.

I felt more or less the same as usual. I spent the day watching some TV shows in bed but it helped me to feel a little better as I wasn't really thinking about everything.

Fae x

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 03:13:01 GMT

Hey OnlyHuman,
Thanks for responding.
What you've said about generally not feeling anything, but at times feeling negative emotions is pretty much me. Ah yes, I have been likened to Daria a couple of times, also Squidward from spongebob.

Honestly, I'm not too sure where these feelings could stem from. I don't really know why I feel this way anymore. I don't quite remember a time when I didn't feel like this, aside from maybe when I was in primary school. I was just a regular kid. A very quiet kid, but I suppose I was fairly happy or content. I can't really pinpoint when or why I started being this way. All I know is, it got worse as high school went on and now it's like theres nothing left of me ahahaha.

Thanks again,
Fae.

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 03:34:27 GMT

Hi stormcloudz,
Thanks for the reply.
I sometimes feel that the numbness happens for that reason - to block out pain. Like it's our body's defence mechanism.

I've been thinking that too, that it's time I do something about this since it only seems to be getting worse. I just don't know how to bring it up to my parents (I still live at home). My mum is the religious type who thinks that everything can be solved with religion, and all my dad says is "it'll get better".

Would it be worthwhile going to a GP or straight to a psych?
I didn't mention this earlier, but I attended a talk with my mother last year. It was about raising adolescents in a world different to theirs (the parents). I suppose it was trying to open up to the parents to the sorts of challenges we face today that they didn’t have when they grew up (what with social media, cyber bullying, societal pressures etc).
The lady giving the talk was a psychologist and she started talking about a particular topic and at that point I started crying (it just happened and I couldn't stop). The psychologist saw me crying and afterwards pulled me aside to have a little talk. She seemed to imply that I was suffering something, because she mentioned that she doesn't like to push meds on people but sometimes they are necessary to make you feel better/ even out your mood. By this point I was wondering whether I was really that bad?

Anyway, I think I may have her number somewhere and was wondering whether it’s worth going straight to her? I just don’t know how much this sort of thing costs, or whether a health fund covers it or anything which is why I would need to consult my parents about it first but I just can’t bring it up with them.

I was forced into counselling at school in year 11/12 which my parents knew about, but the counsellor wasn’t really that helpful and it was all free. I am just worried if I reach out for help that it would be the same thing all over again (being unhelpful and stuff).

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

Chloe_M — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 04:43:48 GMT

Hi faegirl,

I did the K10 checklist and i scored high too. Just letting you know that you're not alone 🙂

If you go to a GP you can get a mental health plan. Might be worthwhile. You could also go to a Headspace centre (if you're under 25). Or you could go to a private psych. I'm going to Headspace on Monday. They also have GPs there.

I don't think that if you go to a professional again you will have the same experience. I think all psychs have a different way of approaching things. Its worth a shot seeing someone though.

Hope you had an okay day.

Chloe

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 05:51:00 GMT

Hi Chloe,
It seems my response to your previous post hasn't appeared yet.
Thanks for your reply, it is somewhat comforting to know that I'm not alone.

Ah right, I see. I've heard of headspace, I could check that out too.

The psych that spoke to me briefly that day seemed a lot better than the counsellor I saw at school.

Either way, I think I will need to do something about this. I don't think it's healthy for me to be the way that I am, but at the same time idk how to bring this up to my parents (I think they'd need to know what I'm doing). At times they treat this as though it's an inconvenience or that I'm just being difficult and lazy or acting up.

I hope your Headspace appointment goes well and good luck! x

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

White_Rose — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 06:31:42 GMT

Hello Faegirl

Completing the K10 checklist has given you some idea of where you are. It's a good start.

Thanks for updating your diet. It's often the case that people mean eating junk food when they have a bad diet. Good you are catching up with your sleep.

You can go to a psychologist directly without a reference from your GP. Unfortunately psychologists do not come under the Medicare rebate scheme and can be expensive, usually minimum of $150 per session. If you go to your GP he/she can draw up a mental health plan for you which goes to Medicare and if approved, (never known one not to), will entitle you to six sessions with a psychologist and a further four sessions should the psychologist deem it necessary. These visits are capped at ten per calendar year. Medicare will pay a rebate, in the same way they pay part of other medical visits, and you are responsible for the gap payment. This varies.

You can ask your GP to refer you to a psychologist who will bulk bill meaning there is no out of pocket cost to you.

You can ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor and their fees are usually quite small, relatively speaking. Or you can go to a counsellor without a referral. Try charity organisations such as Relationships Australis, St Vincent de Paul, Salvation Army and Anglicare. They make small charges or none. Staff are pretty good though they are not usually psychologists. They have been trained as counsellors.

Two other organisations which may be useful are Kids Helpline and Headspace. You need to be under 25 for these. Both offer counselling. Look at their web sites. https://kidshelpline.com.au/ https://headspace.org.au/

There is help out there and not all of it costs lots of money. I think the best places for you are the Kids Helpline and Headspace which I understand are free but check it out. I am presuming you are under 25. The phone numbers are on the web sites.

Thank you for your concern about my breast cancer. The first was 2001 and the second 2015 so I think I have some breathing space if that's how often they occur. Both were discovered due to Breast Screen Australia and I heartily recommend women to have this regular check. I think you need to be 40 or older, that's me, unless there is a history in your family. I am also three years into a five year follow up process so I am in good hands.

Do you have any activities you enjoy or used to enjoy? Love to hear about them.

Mary

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

stormcloudz — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 11:51:44 GMT

Hi faegirl

Sometimes I think we can be like icebergs - the visible part is all numb chilly ice, but 90% is sharp edges and wild ocean currents down below.

You mentioned you were thinking about whether you should go to the GP or contact the psych you met. Yes, I agree with you, it's time to get some support. It's a brave and sensible thing to do. There is a lot going on for you under that numbness, and maybe sometimes it breaks through when things get close to the bone. I get it. It's actually a good sign, you aren't actually frozen over : )

In my experience, start by contacting anyone that you have a good feel about. Some psychs are better at some issues than others, and sometimes there is just a personality mismatch. Like you, I've had counsellors who maybe were a bit out of their depth, like the one at your school. That's not universal. Trust your instinct and if you thought the psych at the talk was interesting, try calling her. It sounds like she left the door open, and any good psych will not be wondering whether you are sufficiently unwell to be there - they will just aim to help.

In relation to your parents, I'm not sure that they do need to know right now. Why not speak to the GP and also call the psych and get some information on your financial options? There may be a way, as WhiteRose mentions. It's difficult to open up to parents sometimes. Even when they love us, they are sometimes blinded to what is going on for us. Maybe their very anxiety for our well-being means that they trivialise warning signs. But I'm here to tell you that you are right, it's your time to get support.

Lastly, when you say you aren't eating well, do you by any chance mean that you are having trouble eating? As in an eating disorder? If so, know that this is a safe space to talk about that. No judgement, just love. And it's perfectly OK if you aren't ready to disclose any details. I'm sorry if that was too soon.

For the moment, don't worry too much about why you feel the way you do, or judge it. The reality is that you do feel that way. My experience of counselling is that it provides an opportunity to slowly explore the reasons and some coping strategies... that will give you more time to think.

Take good care of yourself. I am sending you strength and hope.

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 12:43:17 GMT

Hello Mary, thanks so much for such a detailed response. I never realised that there were so many options out there for help. I'll take a look at what I can do. I am below 25 so maybe Headspace or Kids Helpline would be good options for me.

My, I can't imagine how hard that must've been 😞 but the fact you've gotten through both is amazing. You must be really brave, I admire that.

Hmm, well I used to really, really enjoy reading and at times I still do, but I find it so hard to focus most of the time that I can't even be bothered to pick up a book and read. I also used to enjoy drawing but I can be quite a perfectionist and have a habit of comparing myself to others. After always getting frustrated with my work I sort of gave that up. Another thing loved to do is play video games, mainly fantasy role playing games. I find them a good form of escapism and the story lines can be so intriguing and the quests really interesting and challenging but I just dont get the same satisfaction from them that I used to, I don't really know why that is.

Are there any activities you enjoy doing? I quite like your profile picture, did you draw/paint it?

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 12:57:22 GMT

Hey stormcloudz,

That's a cool analogy. I like it.

I will have to think about how to go about this. I know I probably should have one, but I still don't have my own medicare card and use the one my parents have. I've also never been to the Dr alone (ahh what a sad human I am hahaha), that's kind of why I was thinking I need to let my parents know. 😞

I'm not to sure it's an eating disorder. In the past I would sometimes be really cautious about the sorts of foods I ate because I was unhappy with my body but I don't think it was that severe. It didn't last very long, but that mentality does come back sometimes.
I don't really know what it is, I just don't have much of an appetite these days. I drink quite a bit of coffee. I'm always quite busy at uni, and sometimes I skip lunch and get a small snack + coffee instead because I don't want to lose my spot in the library or wherever it is I'm working in my breaks (my uni has too many students imo and it's always a real struggle to find somewhere to work). I always have a good dinner though and whenever I have days off I try to eat good food throughout the day. My stomach has probably shrunk quite a bit which is why I'm not as hungry and can't eat as much food in one sitting (probably a good thing though).

Hopefully I can work something out soon. Talking on here has helped me feel a little more at ease about trying to get some help.

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

Chloe_M — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 20:36:31 GMT

Hi Fae

Its okay I haven't been to a doctor by myself either (unless you count the orthodontist, then I take back what I said lol).

I sometimes get days like that, where I don't want to eat because I'm 'unhappy' about my body- which is dumb because I'm actually quite fit. I think the best thing to do is just try ignore your thoughts and eat.

I found after I started posting here almost 2 months ago, I was very shy. I have grown confident in not only myself but others. I have learnt to open up to people. It's a very valuable skill.

Take care x

Chloe 🙂

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

stormcloudz — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 22:42:40 GMT

Ah, I see. I wish I knew more about the Medicare system so I could give you some advice! I think if you call the GP's office they will be able to advise you on what shows up on claims, and what support you can get. Believe me, those receptionists have seen it all! The BeyondBlue helpline or the Medicare help line might also be able to help with the practicalities.

It's not surprising you don't have your own Medicare card given you are not long out of school, that's pretty normal. I had a quick look at the Medicare site and you are certainly eligible for one of your own now. Getting your own card does seem to involve filling in a form that would also be signed by the other adults on your existing card (ie your parents). But maybe you can explain to them that you are trying to be responsible and go through the process of gradually learning to be independent - taking care of your health is part of that. Or you may even find that you can be a bit more open than you expect - they may be relieved.

Don't be concerned about going to the doctor alone - it's actually easier as you can be a bit more direct. If you don't get the response you need, try another; like counsellors, some are better than others.

Let us know how you go. I'm glad you are feeling a little easier about getting support, it's a smart move despite the hurdles you might have to jump over : )

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

MrAllGood — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 06:19:42 GMT

Hi all. I'm new here. The title of the forum resonated with me the most, so I thought I'd start here. I too have no feelings and have not had any for as long as I can remember (like 10 years +). From the outside my life & lifestyle seems envious, but internally I pretty much feel numb - no highs, but the occassional low. I've been diagnosed with dysthymia which has given my condition a name, but am not on any meds. I see a psychologist, read as much as I can, travel, have two loving adult daughters who live with me and I run a successful business....but I feel nothing. Everything is 'meh' - I find no real enjoyment in anything. If this sounds familiar, I'd love to hear from you what works for you or perhaps we can just chat.

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

Chloe_M — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 07:10:40 GMT

Hey MrAllGood,

Welcome to the forums! I don't think I can really help that much, have what I'm sure is undiagnosed depression and anxiety. Not diagnosed or treated. Am seeing a psych for the first time soon. But I can relate to the not feeling anything sort of thing. It's like, people ask me questions if I'm sad, and I say no. They ask me what's wrong. I say nothing. Because its true. It's so damn true. nothing's wrong. I don't feel anything. I'm just numb.

i have zero motivation. You're right, everything is just meh. No comment. That sort of thing. I very rarely have highs, but when I do they're crazy. I have lows a couple of times a wee. If I'm lucky I don't have a low that week. But the next week is hell.

I hope you've gotten something from my little rant. I'd be happy to keep talking here. Hope you have a peaceful night

chloe 😄

I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

stormcloudz — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 09:22:50 GMT

Hi Mr AllGood - just a quick welcome - good on you for posting. I can't post at length right now, but just wanted to say if you don't get many responses, it may be that your post is lost in the trail above. Feel free to start a new thread if that happens.

You're right, there are lots of people on the forum who will be happy to talk about what works for them, and if they don't happen to be online right now, just search for dysthymia on the forum and you'll find relevant discussions. Here's an example :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/dysthymia---i'm-newly-diagnosed