topic How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser in Depression

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

L_J1 — Wed, 29 Aug 2018 13:29:18 GMT

Sorry I am in a weird mood. But I've come to the realisation that life isn't going to get any better. My life's not terrible, but I have never really achieved anything, that I can say is my own. I'm stuck in retail, something I have been in since I was 17. I have ever wanted to do was study. Unfortunatly I am not intelligent enough for this considering no matter how hard I work I usually behind everyone in terms of grades and understanding. Most of my schooling invovled extra tutition because I was so slow and stupid. Studying overseas (course to study in Greece - archeology) not an option my grades weren't good enough. Didn't get in to study Masters, cause I was according to a potional supervisor too stupid (that was the most painful email of my life).

I have had to watch everyone I know get better jobs and better grades. I moved from NZ to Australia because I was unemployeed. I even tried to go back to Uni to study info management but only to fail, again. How do I just accept that I'm staring at 40, and all I good for putting things through a checkout. Once you have retail on your CV that is it, you are good at nothing else. Just soft skills nothing concret. No matter how much I have volenteered not matter what else I have tried or applyed for. It doesn't any better. Why am I this usless? I feel like I am running out of options. How do I just accept that it is not going to change and I am just slow and stupid. Because I don't want to be me anymore. I hate being in the same room as myself.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

blondguy — Wed, 29 Aug 2018 13:47:02 GMT

Hello LJ and welcome to the forums....you are strong by posting....(it took me weeks to do what you have)

You have nothing to apologise for LJ. I see a proactive and intelligent person that wants to find their way. My resume was similar to yours with retail (major supermarket chain) and it took a while but the opportunities are there. You are well articulated. Soft or hard skills arent really that important.

I am staring at 60 and it doesnt do much for me by the way. You are not slow or stupid....smart and savvy...yes

Can I ask what type of work you are looking for?

The forums are a safe and judgement free place for you to post LJ. Your privacy and well being is paramount to us!

I really hope you can stick around the forums...if you wish of course

my kind thoughts

Paul

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

therising — Wed, 29 Aug 2018 18:50:46 GMT

Hi LJ

I agree with Paul, you are proactive and intelligent. By the way, I'd like to meet that supervisor who sent you the email, I'd have more than a few words to say for sure.

As a mum of 2 teenagers, I have firmly implanted the definition of intelligence in their heads, so they are not left judging themselves too harshly in this judgemental world we live in. The definition - 'The ability to process information'. Whilst I am no academic champion, I regard myself as a very socially intelligent person (given my caring, helpful and empathetic nature). I work in aged care, a place where my intelligence shines. On the other hand, my husband's uncle is actually an aeronautical engineer and I personally regard him as socially unintelligent. Yes I know I sound a bit harsh but I can't stand the guy and his level of arrogance and thoughtlessness. He's generally rude to people, typically people of a gentle nature who he tries to walk over and insult. I cut him out of my life 16 years ago.

Like Paul, I'm curious to know what it is you have your heart set on as far as career goes. What is it that you shine at LJ? Are you a people person, do you enjoy helping folk?

Something relevant to keep in mind is the way the world has changed and not all for the better I might add. Gone are the days where we could start at the bottom of the ladder in a job and work our way up to the top just through experience/the gradual acquisition of knowledge. Society has lost the ability to process a basic bit of information and that is that most of us excel through hands on experience as opposed to ridiculous amounts of laborious study. You might even say that society has become unintelligent over the years, eliminating the chance for some of us to grow naturally. By the way, there are galleries all around the world filled with amazing old world masterpieces, painted by those with perceptual intelligence and few of those painters ever received an academic education. Goes to show, we all have different processing abilities.

I personally have great respect for those who work in retail as well as for bus drivers, bar staff and anyone else who works day in and day out with the public. Last time I worked with the public (in retail) was when I was 19, I'm now 48. I just don't have the patience! I don't know how you do it. If I'd stuck with retail I possibly would have slapped someone by now or had a breakdown.

Take care of yourself LJ and have a think about what truly ignites a passion in you.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

L_J1 — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 04:23:16 GMT

Thank you both for your kind replies.

I also apologise for what I wrote, whiskey was involved I didn't realise I was being that arrogant. I guess I am that horrible and arrogant. The truth is, I don't know what I want to do anymore. When I was younger, I wanted to be an academic or a curator in a museum, something where I got to play around with ideas. But I'm not capable for those options. I love ideas, words history books. I don't think I am very socially intelligent, and I don't really like talking to people, even though I have to do it every day, or I have just worked in retail too long I have lost all empathy I might have had. So I am mainly just humorless and come off as arrogant. Because, I also admire those who work hard. It's just for me, it doesn't seem to mean anything. Only failure constant failure. I don't feel like I have any abilities, I tend to be slower than everyone else, slow is not a learning or working style. Once I accept I am just a plain piece of white bread that is fill of gluten that on wants any more I'll be fine. But thank you again.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

IsaJett — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 08:41:01 GMT

Hi LJ

i can relate to you ...and I too am a loser . and believe me I have my reasons why I think I’m a loser . What say we start a loser club ?

in all honesty ..we are both our worst enemies. We should just enjoy whatever we do in life . What we don’t enjoy ,,we do less off. Keep it simple ...cos look ..we r both kind of dumb ...hahah I’m kidding and I hope you know that .

sometimes or should I say most times societies has a standard of how people need to be to be successful ...or “ not a loser”.

“loser” is just a label ...so is a “winner” ...or a successful business man ..

but i do believe we all can just do the best of what life throws at us and enjoy life while we r here. If I want to put a label ..and I will ...and maybe we can use this term going forward.

I am a WIP ...Work in Progress.

keep smiling ..my friend :-]

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

therising — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 19:56:34 GMT

Hi LJ

Don't sweat it, I don't see you as arrogant at all in any way and neither should you! You're frustrated and your path seems a little dark to you at the moment. When our path appears somewhat dark, guidance can make a big difference. Wondering if you have considered a little guidance (counselling) at your local community centre or GP practice. A counsellor should be able to give you some resources to access, regarding career direction. There may be things you haven't considered yet, things a little outside the square. Outside the square is a seriously liberating place to be. They should also be able to give you a healthier strategy when it comes to how you're identifying yourself. Isabel Sabrina is spot on; labels can be damaging things especially when they're labels we put upon our self.

I know you're not quite 40 yet LJ but I'll still mention a thought I had some time ago:

Unless we face a trauma of some kind, we typically face 3 major identity re-assessment points in our life, around the ages of 15, 45 and 75 (around 30 years apart). These are times which typically have us asking consciously or subconsciously 'Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? Why am I here? Where do I go from here?' and other such questions which relate to identity. If we can't find the answers, the identity crisis begins manifesting. If you have a look at those ages I've mentioned, you'll notice they coincide with a great deal of social critique as opposed to guidance; 15 - lazy and selfish, 45 - jaded and routine and 75 - weak and useless. Of course, all of these labels are destructive and incredibly unhelpful especially when considering these to be stages where we are seeking a sense of value in this world.

Seriously give thought to some guidance for if it's enlightenment you're after, begin seeking a light source.

Take care of yourself LJ and try to resist being so hard on yourself. You're on a quest for change which actually makes you a seeker. You're an ideas person, which means you're creative. And you're meticulous, as opposed to slow. Whether you believe this or not, it remains the truth.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

White_Rose — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 22:14:54 GMT

Dear L.J

A bit late but welcome to the forum. It's great to meet you.

As Isabel said, loser is a label just like winner. So when you do a good job somewhere such as work remember to tell yourself you did well. I know your inner voice will start putting you down because this has become a habit. Once you have congratulated yourself tell that voice to go away because you know you did something well. It will take time but eventually you will recognise all the great things you do and be proud.

When you do something wrong admit to yourself you got that wrong and move on. No inquests, no beating yourself up, no bad remarks to yourself. We all make mistakes, I think I could write a book on my mistakes. It's not due to being stupid. Think of all the reasons why you did a particular item incorrectly without calling yourself names. Were you interrupted, did you have all the information, were tired? All these things can help us make a mistake, it's not stupidity.

You said you wanted to study. So did I and I went to TAFE to improve my chances of getting into uni. Have a go at that and then try uni. I was in my 50s when I finally went to uni and it was so exciting. I went part time as I was in a full time job. It took me five years to get my degree as I was only allowed to take two subjects in one semester as a part time student. After a couple of years I bumped up to three subjects a semester. The point is that I got there.

You have a ten year head start on me so it's not impossible. Go to TAFE, and if there is not one nearby, enrol in distance education. Choose a subject you are interested in as this makes it easier to start with. The same applies to uni degrees, choose something you will enjoy and look for a job in that area.

Now you are intelligent, I can tell from your posts. Believe in yourself and until you can do that, believe in us that you can do wonders.

Mary

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

Terry73 — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 22:19:10 GMT

Hi LJ,

I cant give much more advice than whats been said, but I will offer my encouragement and my thoughts to see if I can help make you feel better and hopefully open up some options for you in moving forward.

You might think you are "stupid" and "slow" but in reality you really are not those things at all, and who ever has said those things to you to make you believe them should be put in isolation somewhere where they cant infect the rest of society with their toxic dribble.

You say you want to get into an Archaeology kind of field, nothing is stopping you from doing so except this notion that you arent good enough. Now I am not one for that field, nor do I know much about it, but from what I understand, it is about having a knowledge base and research capabilities, both of which you can access yourself and train yourself in, to the point where doing any further study will be "childs play" to you. In this case, Knowledge is simply built by reading material, maybe some input into a forum on the subjects to see how other people are dealing with the information and how they interpret it, which leads on to the research side of things where you read something, question it in your own mind (no question is ever stupid by the way, stupid is assuming an answer is correct without proof and then believing it), then look about for an answer. Both of these you can do, and if by doing so, you open up more questions, then that is a sign of intelligence, because those that are deemed intelligent will often stand by the idea that the more they find out, the more questions appear.

All I am saying is that dont look at yourself in such a negative way, look at what you can do now, without putting stress on your situation, to get to where you want to be. Here is a quote you might be interested in for this "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" (Lao Tzu), and dont let age stop you either, even if the worst happens and you dont end up being where you would have liked to be, you still will be much closer to getting there than you are now, and you would have had some focus and direction to follow, distracting you from the negative thoughts of "Im not good enough" and replacing them with "What can I learn next?".

I hope this helps you

Terry

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

MiguelS — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 10:29:31 GMT

You have to eliminate that mentality, you have to tell yourself that you're worth it and put your best effort in, there are going to be times where you fail and fall short, but life is about the journey not the destination. If you keep setting yourself small goals and achieving them, you'd be surprised how far you can go.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

L_J1 — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 12:03:46 GMT

Again, thank you for the kind words non of you had to reply but you did.

As I said I need to get over myself. Not everyone can be smart of talented. That is just the reality. I love study I love reading, I love writing. I doubt I ever stop doing it, but I'll be be within any kind of institution or work environment. I know that, I'm not okay with it yet. My brain works in a certain way, and it just takes longer to process things than most other people. I hate it, but that's the reality. Anything else is getting my hopes up. Career advisers always always suggest varying forms of sales or retail. That is just me. So that is where my goals need to aline. Because no matter what I am who I am. It's not enough, it's never enough but that is not going to change. I just have to learn to accept what I have.I can sometimes pay the bills and I'm in a relationship. I know being positive is more logical, but ultimately I'm still the same person, so I'm not 100% sure what it actually changes.

I should never have posted about this in the first place it was whiney. But thank you for all your kind responses.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

IsaJett — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 13:27:25 GMT

Not Whiney at all ...just an over thinker like me ...lol u sound a lot like myself ...and what I had just gone through ..believe me it will get better ...so just remember that ...

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

White_Rose — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 22:05:46 GMT

Dear L.J

Please do not cut yourself off from this avenue of support. We cannot tell you what to do but we can offer our own experiences where you may recognise some of the things in your life. You truly are intelligent and not stupid. Your post is not whiney, it says you are frustrated with your current situation and want to change. All normal.

Terry has given you a few tips which is a place to start. Please don't give up on yourself. You are a worthwhile person who needs a bit of help to feel confident. We believe this and want to help you to believe it also.

Mary

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

Dniaiu — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 23:22:11 GMT

Hi L.J,

2 things:

1) I wonder if there is dyslexia, vision problem, or some language processing difficulty here?

You seem to have 'self-dianosed' yourself as unintelligent, but the evidence of your posts show clear competence in vocabulary, grammar and punctuation! I also noted some things which came up in a recent chat I had with someone studying speech pathology, which made me wonder if you have had any diagnoses along the lines of learning difficulties?

People do fall through the cracks - I would fail subjects where the teacher seated the class alphabetically, but be a top student otherwise, and it wasn't until halfway through high school that a teacher suggested getting my eyes tested, and we found that I was extremely short-sighted!

2) if you have an interest in archaeology, how about doing, rather than studying? You can go on holidays which are archaeological digs, or volunteer as a worker.

Google "archaeology dig holiday"

Regards.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

FO — Sat, 01 Sep 2018 23:22:24 GMT

Im with Dniaiu try the digs idea also look at the various museums around including the smaller ones. TThey would probably be interested in hearing from an organised (as evidenced by your thought processes), articulate and passionate person. Express interest in any role that they may have at present. I am a recruiter and I go through these feelings, especially now in the older age bracket mainly as many employers are/can be quite blinkered and often lost themselves, not to mention ageist, sexist and apathetic. As others said the person who emailed you is the epitome of a true loser, probably a know nothing, do nothing professional academic.

Look forward, your retail experience brings customer facing skills, punctuality, reliability, team spirit, ability to think on your feet and many other worthwhile skills to the next employer. The transition is always the hardest hill to climb so the best way is swing to an allied or somewhat related area in your attempts to change careers.

Examples if your in food retail try equipment suppliers, function places, grower groups. If in Clothing try safety wear or uniform suppliers.

I imagine Museums and similar operations would welcome retail and customer skills. Even in fund raising retail experience is a help.

I hope these ideas help you move forward and open a few new idea directions for you. and oh there is no way your a loser, your actually heading toward being a real winner mate.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

White_Rose — Sun, 02 Sep 2018 16:09:48 GMT

Hello L.J

Checking in on you, how are you going? Would you like to continue talking to us here? You have received replies from many people all offering their help and support which is lovely. So do you think you can restart the conversation with us? I would love to carry on talking with you.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Mary

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

blondguy — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 12:06:56 GMT

Hi LJ

Thankyou so much for posting back!

no apologies are necessary.....your input is valued and without new members the forums would cease to exist

I hope you are doing okay 🙂

There is no judgement on the forums....just the best support we can provide to you

my kindest

Paul

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

L_J1 — Wed, 05 Sep 2018 00:44:05 GMT

I am a little over whelmed with the response to this. The fact you all took the time to reply is surprising, humbling and a little surprising embarrassing considering what I wrote. I don't mean to seem ungrateful for all your support and really useful suggestions. The whole archaeology/museum thing was what I wanted to do when I was younger. When I was far more idealistic and thought passion and hard work would cover the many short comings I have. Though I should look into the archaeological holidays, even it is around where I live. I have volunteered on and off for many years at different places around Melbourne. People keep telling to think outside the box, start a business. Truth is I don't actually like being outside the box. I like creative things, but I am not that creative myself. I like playing with ideas, but those ideas are never my own. So I don't really fit that mold either.

To answer another question, people usual assume I have some form of learning disorder, because I tend to be a little slow off the mark or mix things up easily, but I have never been diagnosed, I just was often put in 'special classes'or had extra tuition outside of school. I had to go to 'Speech and Drama', as a child because I would often (and still do) speak to quickly and not pronounce words correctly. My mum calls it gabbling. And I'm not sure this even counts but I have a slight astigmatism in the eye so, again it takes me longer to do anything. Non of this probably matters and I am over blowing it.

At the moment I am working in a bookstore (small one store indie). Something I have been doing since I was 21, before then was food retail. I have tried buyers jobs, larger head offices, publishers, admin. But nothing. (Surprisingly the first post was from again hearing nothing back again on a few job applications). My life isn't terrible. But it isn't the life I thought I was working toward. All I have ever wanted was to be smart. But I'm not. It is something I am just going to have to learn that is not what I am. Which, I don't mean to seem self pitying. As a my mum (and a couple of teachers) use to say, not every one can be smart. I will keep doing what everyone has kindly suggested, because what else is there to do. But I seriously do need to get over myself.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

baet123 — Wed, 05 Sep 2018 04:35:24 GMT

Hey L.J.

Thanks for sharing your story and giving us a great insight into your thoughts and feelings.

You are by no means coming off as "ungrateful". You are extremely ambitious and that is a great characteristic to have. I actually would love to have as much ambition as you. You are extremely intellectual and I can tell this from the way you type and articulate your thoughts. This shows an extremely high level of intelligence. You also possess great self awareness and it seems like your ability to critically reflect yourself is of a high level so my hats off to you. Try stay positive mate. I know it may be hard sometimes but having a good mentality and a good mindset is so beneficial to overall health and quality of life.

Please keep us posted if you please and good luck with your future endevours.

All the best.

Baet123.

How do I just accept that I am for the lack of a better word a loser

Terry73 — Thu, 13 Sep 2018 06:19:41 GMT

Hi LJ,

So what is your definition of smart anyway? I am curious because you claim you are not smart, yet you speak and type as like someone with high mental intelligence, which to me, is smart.

Some people know a lot of stuff, but that does not make them smart, I remember a story a friend told me a while back when I was a teenager, we had a show on back then called "Sale of the Centuary", and a contestant had been winning every day, and had gained quite a bit in prize money and prizes, a young executive of a firm turned to his CEO and asked "How much would you pay this guy to work for you?", CEO responds "$49.99", the young guys pipes up and says "thats quite an hourly sum", CEO said "Not Hourly rate, thats how much I would pay him Period", Young guy is confused and asked why, CEO responds "Because thats the same price as an encyclopedia I can buy, all the information I need is in there should I want it, so why should I have to pay more for someone to tell me whats in it?". The point of this story is, just because people know stuff, doesnt mean they know how to use that information, and that is intelligence.

I know it may seem a little off the track there, but let me say this, you clearly have demonstrated in this forums that you can analyse, assess, weigh up options, and make choices based on the information you have, you take into account your own situation and limitations (which I believe you can expand if you just open your mind up a little more in a positive way). This is what makes you smart, we all see that here and are trying to show you that you arent as low in intelligence as you think you are, if you need to take time to learn something then so be it, rushed jobs are never worth the time and effort spent anyway.

You have some dreams, believe me, you should chase them, even if they might seem too far out of your league to you, give it a go, make the best opportunity to get them, that way, even if you do fail, you can at least say you gave it on hell of a try, and you will never regret not trying, besides, you will have fun on the way chasing them dreams, and maybe, just maybe, you might actually have your dream as your reality as well, something well worth the effort in trying for.

Im not saying get out on the first plane to some remote area either, I am just saying, start looking into it, and take a chance on opportunities that you can do that may lead you to where you want to go, without stressing your current situation.

Kindest thoughts

Terry