topic Sad and don't know what to do in Depression

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Sun, 07 Jan 2018 22:18:26 GMT

Hello,

I'm not sure what I'm doing here again. I guess I thought that typing out my thoughts would stop them swirling around in my head, snowballing and becoming more dangerous.

You see my dog had to be put down yesterday morning. I'd spent the whole night prior awake with him, watching him be confused, disorientated and struggle to breathe. It's a horrible memory that will always haunt me. I suffer depression but I mostly manage to ignore my problems through use of antidepressants, watching TV and entertaining myself in my head by daydreaming about a better life and pretending I'm living it.

I am single and have always been due to the acute distress that anxiety brings on whenever someone was to tell me their interested in a romantic sense. At my age (31) a lot of people are coupled up so it makes me feel very lonely and sometimes I am terrified of spending my life alone, with no one to hold me when things go wrong.

I feel ugly, growing up the world tends to send the message to young girls that their appearance is the most aspect of them (fairy tales, TV shows, movies and magazines) and being a sensitive person I grew to believe this too strongly.

I'm not working. I get acute anxiety and when that's at play I be extremely lethargic and depressed. I quit my job over a year ago, went overseas for a holiday and then stayed with my parents when I got back. Ever since I just haven't been able to bring myself to apply for another.

My brain is broken. Over the past couple of years I've been experiencing bouts of what I term 'acute distress'. It can be triggered by things I never thought would affect me all that much and it's really intense. Whilst in this phase I can't eat or sleep or even sit still. During the day I can find things to distract myself with (mostly) but nights are spent pacing around the house, whilst feeling progressively worse and worse. These bouts can be really unpredictable and I live in fear of it happening again, especially given I just lost my dog.

I can't cope with the fact that we all get old and die. The thought of losing loved ones just make sick and I worry about it a lot even though they aren't sick.

Despite the above I have a lot of positive things in my life. Loving family, good friends and I still have savings from years of working so am not about to face financial destitution. I just can't seem to be able to appreciate the positives in my life and just get sucked into that black void of depression.

Sad and don't know what to do

Bethie — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 01:14:37 GMT

First sorry about your dog.. I'm glad that you are voicing your feelings and emotions instead of internalizing them.

With the depression i know something that helps me is volunteering. Being able to help make others smiles allwys makes me smile as well.

Sad and don't know what to do

Birdy77 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 01:27:38 GMT

Dear Ellie,

I am so sorry to hear about your dog's passing. It is heartbreaking, we form such deep bonds with them and they love us unconditionally. Allow yourself time to grieve this important and significant loss in your life.

I understand your description of a broken brain. I've felt like that too at different times. Like Bethie said, i think it's a healthy first step you've taken to write out your thoughts and feelings on this thread instead of keeping them inside to fester.

You said you are on antidepressants but do you think your medication might need some tweaking with your Dr, as it sounds like maybe they're not quite working as best as they could?

Have you tried talking to a counsellor about things? That might be something to think about.

I know it feels hard to be in a superficial world sometimes with shallow values ... but you sound like a smart and compassionate person with loving friends and family, so that is really great to hear.

Go very gently with yourself over the coming days and weeks after the loss of your beloved doggy.

🌻birdy

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 04:12:26 GMT

Thanks Birdy,

I can't stop crying thinking about my dog. He brought so much joy into my life every day. I've been taking time out of the workforce and just hanging out with him. He'd sleep in my bed, relax in the yard with me and always be there to greet me with a waggly tail. I don't think I could even take a bath now without missing him, he used to scratch at the door or jump up at the side of the tub in an effort to convince me to get out! I'm staying at my sister's place because I couldn't stand to be at home with so many memories of him. I also think he really suffered at the end which devastates me and I have these horrible images of him. Thank you for your understanding.

Sad and don't know what to do

Birdy77 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 04:29:23 GMT

Let the tears flow Ellie,

It hurts badly. It will hurt for a while to come and you may always miss him. They're so special. They're there for us alway, no matter what's going on in our life. Take time to just cry, feel the intense hurt and know that he's with you on spirit, scratching at the door and jumping up at the bathtub.

You gave him a wonderful life.

Can you do something to commemorate the love you shared? When my gorgeous doggy boy left me, i was able to bury him in my back yard and i have started to creat a garden dedicated to him. It's very healing for me because i feel like he's a part of it ... more than that, hes the basis for it and i can sit "with him" each day and see the flowers he's part of and the fruit trees he's growing ... it's a place i can be with him, although he's in my heart all the time. I still feel sad & it's been 15 months. So give yourself time. The pain will ease in time.

But now is the time for tears my friend.

It's important to cry and grieve. Sometimes the relationships we have with our treasured furry friends are the loveliest of our lives. So uncomplicated. So genuine.

Talk here any time.

I get it xo

🌻birdy

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 13:25:17 GMT

Hi Birdy,

I agree that the relationships we have with our furry friends can be the loveliest of our lives. Just looking into his brown eyes made my heart melt all over the place. We buried him in the backyard. It's hard for me to think of him out there though. I've always had trouble accepting the reality of death. I'm not religious and don't believe in an afterlife so it's hard to come to grips with the fact that someone is just gone. I'm having trouble sleeping at night as my thoughts inevitably turn to him and some of the disturbing images of have of him in his last 24 hours. I am letting the tears flow freely. I'm staying with my sister at the moment because it is just too hard being at home and I didn't think I'd cope on my own. Reminders of him are everywhere as are reminders of him being sick and distressed.

Sad and don't know what to do

Birdy77 — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 07:29:21 GMT

Dear Ellie,

You are doing the right thing by staying at your sister's, and letting the tears flow. I know they are very painful tears.

Those very distressing images might stay with you for a while because it's only been a couple of days, but eventually those traumatic images will fade a bit and all the thousands of wonderful, loving times and memories you shared with him will come back and replace those distressing images you have now, and you can hold those memories forever.

Even if you don't believe in an afterlife, your doggy will remain alive in your mind for as long as you remember him, and you can continue to love him. I still have a deep love for my doggy, and it took a while for those last painful images to fade ... but in time the lovely and happy memories took over.

Try not to put yourself under too much pressure just at the moment. Allow yourself time and space to grieve.

I see you posted over on another thread about loss of a pet, I'm not sure if that member is still checking posts, but she said she was going to print off some special photos and frame them. Is there something you'd like to do to commemorate your furry friend?

I know you have some other things you'd like to talk about as per your original post, and whenever you'd like to go there I'd be happy to talk to you.

Go very gently with yourself.

🌻 birdy

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 20:28:15 GMT

Birdy you are so kind. You are absolutely right in that I need to allow myself time to grieve. I know these things on a rational level but then I get myself caught up in these panics about how lonely and depressing my life with be.

The single thing bothers me the most, I've never been able to date due to the extreme anxiety that has come on whenever I've tried. I believe it's because I have some deep rooted ideas about sex and romantic relationships that I developed as a kid due to all the disturbing messages in the media. That's just a guess though I've never really know what's caused this irrational fear. I just know that it's there and I'll always be alone because of it. When I get into an anxious or depressed state being on my own is the absolute worst thing for me. I work myself up into a tizzy and somehow I just find the presence of other people extremely comforting. This is why I'm so devastated about the fact that I'll never have a soulmate or someone to share my life with. The fact that I won't have kids also really saddens me.

I think these are the reasons why I love dogs so much. You can cuddle up to them and they give you all their love freely and unconditionally, whilst never presenting a risk that they will hurt you. I think spending my days with my dog allowed me to feel happy and to feel love. Now that's gone and I feel very lonely and sad.

Sad and don't know what to do

Birdy77 — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 05:41:39 GMT

Dear Ellie,

It is totally understandable that just after your beloved doggy has passed away, all these feelings of loneliness and anxious looking into the future, you have a bleak feeling inside about being alone.

You said you are going to be alone forever and that you'll never find your soulmate.

Forever is a long time. You have no evidence that you will be alone forever! You are an intelligent young woman who has a big heart. You have friends and family and furry companions who will agree with me.

You are 31. You are still young. You are not expected to have everything sorted out yet and dating is hard! Especially with anxiety. You have good friends, maybe you could try some group events to try meet potential dates?

Dates don't have to include sex. It's up to you. You said that sex is expected early on, but that's only if both of you want it. Who you are is perfect, and if you want to find someone who will date you and not put pressure for sex, make your intentions clear. When i was last dating, i did just that, and my now partner respected me for putting my boundaries in place. We've now been together 6 years.

There is no such thing as normal. If you find that just spending time with special people and not dating or having a sexual partnership works for you that's absolutely ok. It's a matter of developing a feeling of ok-ness with that. Who you are is OK. Seriously.

You said the fact you wont have kids saddens you. Again, you don't have evidence you will never have kids. However, we childless people can still have very meaningful relationships with children through friends or family members. Sometimes Aunties (through blood or friendship) are the most treasured relationships.

And as you have experienced, giving an animal a wonderful, loved life is is a hugely worthwhile accomplishment. Fur-babies! Feather-babies! You have plenty of love to share and there are plenty of animals that need it.

Have you had the opportunity to talk through some of your anxiety with a counsellor at all? It sounds like you're feeling a bit trapped. Sometimes a counsellor can really help with those feelings.

I am happy to talk more with you any time.

Remember to take things easy just now, and allow plently of time for tears, they're important.

Go gently,

🌻birdy

Sad and don't know what to do

Doolhof — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 06:20:56 GMT

Hi Ellie,

Sorry to read about the loss of your dear dog. It is really hard to say goodbye to pets that we love and adore so much. I cried when one of my goldfish died!

Some ideas I had to share with you I see that Birdy has already mentioned. I like the idea of creating a special garden in memory of your dog, or making a collage of photos to put in a frame.

I'm wondering if there is a dog shelter near you where you could volunteer. That might be a bit much for you right now, but in time it might be an idea. I saw a rescue place recently seeking volunteers even to walk the dogs.

Regarding relationships, like Birdy also mentioned, maybe try going out with friends, or volunteer to be around new people. Take your time. I am sure there are many people out there who want more from a relationship than just sex.

I know many ladies who live on their own and are very happy to do so. They have made their lives what they want them to be.

Maybe you could make a list of things you would like to do or achieve within the next 6 months and work at doing those things. Who knows what will happen or who you will meet along the way.

A few years ago I went on a holiday leaving my husband home as he did not want to join me. While away I could very easily have had a holiday romance! Only I am married so I behaved myself. Yu never know what tomorrow may bring!

Cheers to you from Dools

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 20:05:34 GMT

Thanks Birdy,

I've given dates a go before. It always results in terror and it get into the state I'm in now. I don't know what to do, it seems like an impossible situation.

I am grateful for friends and family but not having a partner makes things hard. From little things like sorting out an insurance claim to the big picture things like being seriously ill, having a partner there makes all the difference. I am so sad that I'll never get to experience romantic love. I do hope to be become an aunty one day.

Thanks again for your support.

Sad and don't know what to do

Doolhof — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 20:12:07 GMT

Hi Ellie,

Would you organise a joint date, as a new guy to join you and another couple of friends, that way you may feel more secure and comfortable. If the guy likes you, he will be cool with that. Might suit some guys as well.

Just on relationships, it would be lovely if they were all so delightful as portrayed in some movies and books. All relationships require work to make them succeed and some don't do so well at all.

Dools

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 20:12:16 GMT

Hi Dools,

We have planted a tree where we buried him.

I don't like being alone, when bad things happen I get very sick and being around other people is the only thing that helps. I've been staying with my parents for the last year so maybe I should just move in with them permanently. It would affect my self esteem in the way that I'd feel like everyone would judge me for mooching off my parents. I'm just so scared of getting into this state again without any loved ones around me. It's happened quite a few times over the past 2.5 years.

I like your idea of making a list. The problem is that I might be setting myself up for failure. I will need to get a job soon but I'm not sure if it should be in Sydney (where I've lived most of my adult life) or back in the city where my parents live.

Sad and don't know what to do

blondguy — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 20:22:32 GMT

Good Morning Ellie

I was about to log off and I read about what you have been going through....

My sincere condolences for the loss of your wonderful K9 companion. I have been involved in dog rescue & finding new homes for them too.

Every time I lose one of my 4 pawed companions its heart wrenching. I used to have acute anxiety followed by depression for a few years which makes the loss even more painful to bear. Can I ask what breed of dog you had...if thats ok

I really hope you can stick around the forums when you have the time

My Kind thoughts for you and may your furry friend run in peace with my dogs that have passed

Paul

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 21:22:24 GMT

Hi Blondguy,

Thanks for your concern. He was a mini Foxy cross. I will really miss him. His loss has triggered another bad round of depression and anxiety. I think I was on the brink when lost him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now given he was what made me happy.

Sad and don't know what to do

Birdy77 — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 22:21:51 GMT

Hi Ellie,

You said "i am so sad that i will never get to experience romantic love". Never say never! As i said before, never is a long time.

It might be worth looking into dome counselling around your feelings about sexual intimacy and romantic encounters. It might feel daunting, but therapists deal with that kind of thing all the time. It might help you build confidence in that area.

And like Dools suggested, organising group dates can be less intimidating. Do you socialise with your friends much?

About the cycling into depression, it sounds like you know what you need at this time, for your mental health, to be around family and friends. If your parents don't mind you living with them and it works for you, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. You can pay board or do their gardening or cleaning or whatever so you're contributing and not "mooching" as you say. What matters is your mental health, not what other people think.

I know it's very soon after your beloved doggy has passed, do you think you might get another furry friend? They're great at healing heartbreak. But sometimes it takes time. I'm not ready for another dog yet, but friends of mine got another one straight away after their doggy died because they felt they needed to plug that broken hole in the hearts.

Do you have anything nice planned for today that will make you feel good inside? I am going to take myself down to the beach and walk along the shore, i know that will help me today, so I'm going to gently push myself to do it.

Go gently with yourself.

🌻 birdy

Sad and don't know what to do

Doolhof — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 22:41:50 GMT

Hi Ellie,

Maybe staying with your parents for a while might be the best thing for you right now. I am sure you can share the same home and still have an independent kind of a lifestyle if that is what you want. Some people live in shared accommodation, mates in a house and so on.

What other people think should not matter. I would love to have a better relationship with my parents. I find staying with them for a weekend difficult, so in a way I am envious of you!

Regarding lists, you can write what ever you like on them, it does not mean you have to achieve everything. My Dr. suggested I write a list of everything I would like to do this year, real, impossible, a dream or what ever. The idea is to think outside of my current way of thinking.

Yes some things will be achievable like going for a walk at least once a week, trekking the Himalayas may not happen though. I could read books about trekking in the Himalayas, not the same as being there in person, but better than not knowing anything more about that area of the world for example.

Maybe think of a list as possibilities, being creative in your thinking and not something you need to adhere to or follow up completely in order to be successful.

Mistakes and failures can be something we can learn from as well.

It is still early days since your much loved furry friend died. Grief and sadness take a while to be processed. Take each day as it comes and aim for a pleasant activity or thoughts each day.

Cheers fro now from Dools

Sad and don't know what to do

Aprilsnow — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 22:56:52 GMT

So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved furry friend. I had to have my lovely old boy put to sleep 5 years ago (he was 18) and I still miss him every day of my life and always will. Some pets just become so close to us and are super special.

It is OK to grieve your fur baby and for as long as you want, there is no time limit on grief, but it will get a little easier even if the hole remains the love will always be there and it will soften the loss over time as the good memories come to the forefront.

Please just allow yourself to grieve & not be too hard on yourself and remember how lucky your doggie was to have YOU as their owner who showed unconditional love right until the end, you were a wonderful pet owner and you did the right thing by your furry baby.

I send a hug xxx

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 01:42:40 GMT

Hi Birdy77,

Yes I have a massage planned for today so I'm hoping a bit of touch therapy will be good for me. I do socialise with friends but they are all in committed relationships so I don't think there's much hope of getting a date out of it. When I was younger we'd socialise in this way and although I met some nice young men, my sickness mean't I ran a mile. I have talked to my psychiatrist about it and will see her again on Wednesday. I've actually spent the last year staying at my parents house, which was lovely but I feel like I'm pushing it by staying longer and as though I'm giving up. The plan was to move overseas last year but I tried that and it was a disaster so I have come home.

I'm not sure about getting another dog. This one would be my parents, not mine (as when we got the one that passed recently I was young and still living at home) so I'm a little sad that our family is past that stage where we all loved the same pets together.

Thanks again for your kind words of encouragement.

Sad and don't know what to do

Ellie05 — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 01:46:50 GMT

Hi Dools,

It's always lovely to hear from you.

The relationship I have with my parents is one of the things I am most grateful for in life. I do feel a bit of shame that I am so reliant on them at this stage in my life but they always tell me not to apologise. They do so much for me. They took me on holiday last year (paying for pretty much everything) and offer so much emotional support. They have a big house so I don't think they mind the space being taken up, however I know it will take a toll on them seeing me in this state.

Thank you for your kindness.