topic My experience - I hope it gives to others in Depression

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Anh_Ha — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 00:51:03 GMT

For the longest time my young heart and mind were steeped in despair. At an age where other children were beginning to learn about human nature I had already tainted myself with the numbing belief that the world had very little to offer. Living appeared to me a futile struggle of the narcissistic compulsions of the individual and the forces of social oppression that smothered any humanity. As childhood morphed into adolescence this misguided and naive conviction was only compounded by the ruthlessness of teenage years. Imagine then my young-self being thrusted into the modern workforce - the sad struggle for the illusionary security that money offered and the disconnection of one's consciouness in the workplace was horrifying. I felt alone, withdrawn, isolated - suffocating from an imagined weight so oppressive it mocked anything reality itself could conjure. I genuinely believed myself to be unlovable - my experiences had rendered me almost catatonic - I felt so physically and internally ugly that no one could possibly ever love someone so broken.

Slowly, but surely, people and humanity proved me wrong. Bit by bit it began to dawn on me that not only did beauty exist in this world - it existed in an almost infinite abundance. I discovered real friendships, I luxuriated in the intimacy of being in love and I finally learnt to appreciate the true power of resilience and generosity that was my mother and father's love.

Now, almost everything I see, almost everyone I meet, almost every human interaction I witness is seeped with unimaginable beauty. The empathy and instinctive understanding of the human soul and mind that had caused me so much pain before has now enabled me to experience a crescendo of joy in simply existing.

A friend once said to me that "while you're very perceptive of people's flaws you somehow naturally define them by their strengths". I've pondered why and I believe this reflection answers it. In my mind no one is more critically flawed than myself - so my empathy has allowed me to forgive myself and all others. It's probably the most powerful tool of survival that I have ever possessed.

For all those in despair and feel that light is simply a figment of one's utter desperation I say again - there is immense beauty in our existence.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Dorian_Gray — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 06:05:23 GMT

That’s quite interesting that your world view and experience of reality changed so much since “people and humanity proved me wrong”. If I might inquire, what would have become of you had nothing broken you out of your nihilistic torpor e.g. if you hadn’t “discovered true friendships” and the “intimacy of being in love”? After all not everyone is lucky enough to have such experiences, to find anyone else who cares or even pays attention to them…to what extent do you think these transformative experiences were within your power to initiate or simply fortuitous externally driven events?

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Anh_Ha — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 07:51:25 GMT

Lovely, detailed reply which I will do my best to follow up with with as much thought.

Firstly, the intent here is the emphasis - I wanted to convey that the key to my liberation from severe, recurring depression was being open to such experiences in the first place. I do understand that such experiences are inevitably dependent on external parties - and I may even concede that my character was conducive to such interactions - but I stand by my belief that the world is full of these opportunities, this beauty that exists in people. I'll go one step further and say I am resolute in my belief that this capacity for beauty resides in every single one of us.

Secondly, I do not want to make light of the extreme difficulty of overcoming depression and this was not some sort of instantaneous and solitary moment of enlightenment. It was an accumulative and progressive growth - but since I experienced it frequently I believe the biggest thing I ever needed was to feel I was my alone and that there was hope.

I hope I did your response justice.

Love Anh.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

MarkJT — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 09:11:59 GMT

Anh Ha, what a brilliant first post to the forums. Magnificent to say the least.

Absolutely awesome that you have found yourself and that your life is now scaling upwards.

Other than the love of your mother and father, can you pin point any other critical junctions that changed your wordly view?

Welcome to the forums as well, with posts like that and the experiences that you have, if you stick around, which i certainly hope you do, you will make such a huge difference in so many peoples lives.

Mark.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

CJs_mum — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 09:39:24 GMT

wow!! Your beautiful writing blew me away. I have felt what you have seen, felt and believed also. It is hard, when in despair and depression to simply look around and truly appreciate all that is truly beautiful. There IS beauty, in almost everything and everyone. There ARE good people in the world - and you, believe, are a rare one.
Thank you for sharing all you see. I love it.
Keep on sharing. Keep speaking so eloquently and with such power and beauty. Thank you again. Peace and beauty on your journey

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Anh_Ha — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 13:02:24 GMT

I promise I had replied to your post hours ago Dorian - but alas it appears it has not materialised.

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I want to thank you for taking the time to construct such a detailed response and I hope my reply will do it justice.

Firstly, the underlying intent of my post was to emphasise that perhaps simply being open to such experiences was the catalyst to my liberation from prolonged, recurring and severe depression. I do not deny that I have been fortunate - I would even concede that perhaps my character and qualities were conducive to such experiences.

However, I have no doubt that such experiences and beauty exists in almost every facet of human life. Indeed I can say with conviction and resolution that such beauty resides (at worse is dormant) in every single individual.

Secondly, speaking from my own experience it was always the isolation, the guilt, the overwhelming hopelessness that scared me the most - and the thought that no one else truly understood what I was enduring. If somehow someone was able to convince me that hope is never lost, that there is love everywhere I believe my journey would have be easier. Understand I am not for one moment trivialising or making light of the debilitating effect of depression and indeed my reaching this point was a painstaking progression.

I hope this answers your questions. Please do not hesitate to query further.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Anh_Ha — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 13:18:22 GMT

MarkJT and CJsMum,

Thank you for such touching and moving responses - you have no idea how much it means to me.

Mark I believe it was just my changing inclination to see the kindness and empathy that existed - my friendships, my partner, all my relationships.

Indeed as long as I feel I can cope with the responsibility of responses and its potential impact on people I will try my best to be active here!

CJsMum - I feel such contentment from your words it brings me to years. I thank you sincerely. I want to share some more of my humble musings shortly in here if you all don't mind.

Love, Anh

My experience - I hope it gives to others

geoff — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 19:11:36 GMT

hello Anh Ha, what an incredible journey you have experienced, a great story.Geoff.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Ladyhawke — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 21:06:29 GMT

Hi Any Ha,

Thank you for such a wonderfully eloquent and positive post.

You have the gift of words; I hope you take the opportunity to use your talent whenever/wherever you can.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Anh_Ha — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 00:28:13 GMT

Some of my other random thoughts:

I see a little simple gesture to a fellow human being requiring little real effort but perhaps with the capacity to foster a welling-up of warm fuzzy feelings as quite extraordinary.

It's like a gift from God.

Edit: Not the actual gift per se but the little effort for feel-good warm fuzzies that is.

There will always be an uneasy dichotomy between one's gnawing desire to be accepted and for one's consciouness to express individuality.

When we live in a world where both are no longer mutually exclusive it will be a beautiful world indeed.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Dorian_Gray — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 05:38:18 GMT

Thank you for the clarification, I interpreted your statement “Slowly, but surely, people and humanity proved me wrong” as implying your experience was predominantly instigated by external factors, I now understand your openness was instrumental in ensuring these events had a positive effect. I often hear being open to new friendships/ ways of looking at things is helpful, yet struggle to work out what that means in practical terms.

Anyway I find the interaction between external events and internal states and how they can emphasises or negate each other (e.g. a good mood spoilt by a bad external event or vice versa), very interesting, and what can be an opportunity for one person to escape their depression can send another further into it.

It is interesting you note the incremental nature of such a change, unfortunately the time it takes offers space for back sliding events to occur, I think a critical threshold of consecutive positive steps is needed without interruption to get out.

Anyway, I hope you continue to enjoy the beauty you have found and it doesn’t lose its lustre.

My experience - I hope it gives to others

Anh_Ha — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 23:05:38 GMT

Dorian, firstly I love the way your mind deconstructs language. Secondly, I thank you for your kind words.

Practical terms? Opening your eyes when you see a stranger offer to pay for a meal when someone's credit card bounces, storing away the beauty you witness in your memory when you see the affection of a mother to her child etc... Suppressing the pessimism and paranoia when someone affords you an act of kindness - it is more often than not genuine.

I have had many, many false dawns - but it, as cliched as this may sound, feels different this time. I think it is actually the progressive small steps that collective add up to real contentment - the journey. I will let you know if the lustre diminishes :).