topic Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression in Depression

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 03:45:57 GMT

Hi, this is my first post. I have been diagnosed with melancholic depression but have been experiencing the symptoms for many years prior. I am on an antidepressant but am struggling all the same. Due to the characteristics of melancholic depression I.e. Avoiding contact, immense guilt and lying to the people I love, I have not seen a psychologist for >2 months and have been drinking to avoid feeling the guilt. I am in danger of being unemployed as I have been avoiding work (calling in sick too many times). All of this seem to be an endless cycle with no way out. I know that I need to take the step to go and see my G.P. and the psychologist but instead I stay at home stewing in my guilt. I work the the healthcare profession but I feel lost as I do not understand why I am feeling like this. I have a loving husband and a loving family so I have no reason to feel like this. It seems to add to me feeling lost and like I'm spiralling into a hole...

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

Coffeebean — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 06:32:36 GMT

Your words could have been written by me. I'm sorry that I haven't any advice, but I want to let you know you're not alone. Have you spoken with your employer?

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 06:59:40 GMT

Hi Coffeebean, thank you for replying. I have and he has been very generous over the years. I don't know what to do. I know that if he gives me time off, I don't think that would help me, it just gives me more time to drink and feel guilty. I wish I could just get up and do things, things other people seem to do naturally. I don't know why I'm this way.

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

Coffeebean — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 13:47:56 GMT

That's good you have an understanding boss.

You said that you need to see your GP and psychologist. I'm the sort of person who will keep an appointment but I have a hard time making it in the first place. My husband had to make my first appointment with my GP to see him about treatment. He also had to make my first psychologist appointment. It's crazy that just the act of making an appointment should be so hard!

I hope you get a good night sleep. Are you working on the weekend?

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

geoff — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 20:23:20 GMT

hello YS, feeling stuck like this and only wanting to consume alcohol always appears to help you out, but what it is doing is only making it harder for you to go and see your doctor.
You know that this isn't good for you, plus the lying where someday you will be caught out and then your situation will only become worse.
I was an alcoholic when I was in depression it pushed everything away and was in denial until something bad happened which woke me up, so I had to start counselling, although in the end, my wife divorced me, this is something you have to avoid.
Staying at home and drinking is not going to help you in the long run, sure it maybe a cushion for you at the moment, but from my experience, it only stalls you from getting the help you know you need but maybe too frightened, please don't be.
I do agree with you, if you take time off then it maybe an excuse to drink more, I don't think that's a good idea, but you have to be careful about your job, because that too may catch up with you, I certainly hope not.
With myself I only drink socially now for health reasons, plus the reaction from the medication I take, so I have to be very careful how much I drink, and it's certainly nothing like what I was drinking before, it's minimal now. Geoff.

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

White_Rose — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 01:32:42 GMT

Dear YS

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. As you can see from the number of posts in the Depression forum, there are many people taking this journey although we are all slightly different. I looked up melancholic depression to see how it differed from general depression. Apparently it's now considered part of the Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) as many of the symptoms are the same as MDD. I can certainly relate to that. So much sadness and crying, so much lack of energy and motivation to do anything. It is really hard.

I was going to ask about ADs but I see you are taking one. I gather it's not working successfully. The article I read said although SSRI medication is the most popular for depression it doesn't always work for some people. This article suggested using an older drug from the Tricyclic group. Sometimes using both. As you need to see your GP again you could have a discussion with him/her about meds. There are so many of them that changing may be a better fit for you.

I used to see a psychiatrist many years ago and like most doctors they made the next appointment before I left. After a while I asked to have a standing date which made it easier than looking for another appointment date each time you visit. Perhaps you could ask your psychologist to give you a set and day. Tuesday at 10:00am once a fortnight, or whatever. This will help avoid the necessity to keep making appointments.

I see Coffeebean has suggested you ask your husband to make the next appointments with your GP and psych That's a great idea and will save you getting anxious about it. When you see the psych, remember to ask for a regular booking and explain how you feel about it.

So many people say they have no reason to be depressed, and that's probably right. Sadly the black dog bites where it feels like regardless of age, gender, financial means, working or not, parents. There is no reason. I think you are doing the same as many others, beating yourself up because it's your fault you are depressed. That's untrue. Sadly the odds of winning the lotto are less than becoming depressed. Please try to accept you are not at fault and there is no reason why you should be depressed rather than your next door neighbour.

Geoff has talked about drinking so I will leave his comments with you. Please keep in touch here and get those appointments made. We are always here.

Mary

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 09:37:53 GMT

Thank you Geoff and white rose for your replies. It is helpful to realise that I can talk to others about this. I did have a standing appointment with the psychologist but it was too easy for me to cancel all of those then drink to forget that I had done it. Too easy to stay alone and in my hole...trying to keep others away with lies...you are right Geoff..I have to try every day not to drink, stay married and continue to work..if not, I will only fall further in the deep hole. I have made the appointment with the psychologist and I am going to try very hard to go. I know it will help me.

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

geoff — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 23:13:32 GMT

hi YS, thanks for getting back to us, I understand your predicament, that's how the alcohol has control over you, and yes you're not alone because as I've said I was exactly the same as how you are now.
We believe that the grog ( and I say grog for a reason) will just make us feel better and it may seem as though it does, only until it wears off and guilt sets in and you ask yourself 'why didn't I keep the appointment', 'I know I should have', so can you see that your only building more issues that need to be addressed.
I'm not saying that you have to give up the grog, that can only be decided by yourself, people may tell you to, but that just makes you want to drink more, but what I would do is when you do go and see your psychologist be open with from the start and say that you do drink alcohol and realise it maybe because of certain circumstances, but I would prefer you didn't harp on telling me to stop, because that has to come from you.
This will then clear the air or perhaps you could write down what you want to say to them, rather than having to say it yourself. Geoff.

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 23:06:03 GMT

Thank you Geoff for your reply... I am still struggling...Drinking is still too tempting.. my appointment with the psychologist is coming up.... I hope I turn up...it's weird. I don't want to be unemployed but I still don't turn up for work... I know I'm in denial but I can't help it...why is it so hard? It should be easy to stop and live like other people live but it isn't...what am I waiting for? A lazy way out I guess.... I am not worth it..

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 23:29:19 GMT

What kind of help do I need?

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Mon, 21 Aug 2017 23:58:21 GMT

No replies... that's ok... am still feeling lost. Yet Togo to my psychologist appointment. I guess i was hoping for an improvement with medication and with my own mind 'strength' ...

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

Sophie_M — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 00:01:44 GMT

Hi YS, sorry you haven't had further replies to your thread. In a busy forum like this, it can be difficult for members to keep up with all the discussions going on - it helps if you form relationships with others by getting involved in other threads so members know who you are and look out for your posts.

See the threads below for more information:

Forums etiquette: give support to receive support

Newbies guide: 5 tips for getting the most out of the forums

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

james1 — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 00:35:13 GMT

Hello YS,

I noticed you said you were going to see a psychologist but in your last post you said you were still yet to go. When is the appointment scheduled for?

I'm not sure what help you need because that's what the psychologist will tell you, but I can reassure you that you do deserve the care of someone you can open up to. I wonder, what kind of care would you want? Is there something you are aiming for from your overall treatment/recovery?

James

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 00:30:03 GMT

I apologise for being an ungrateful cow. I understand. I was looking for an easier way out. I am due to see my psychologist in a week. I have been putting it off for weeks. Avoidance is part of my condition and of me..

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

james1 — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 01:04:10 GMT

Hello YS,

There is no need to apologise. We all understand what it's like to, as you say, avoid seeing the doctors and try to find an easier alternative. It's very difficult when all these other things are going wrong in our lives, but you've already done so much by trying to keep talking to us here. We just hope you can keep up the momentum because we've been through similar experiences - not the same - and know the importance of having a supportive doctor.

It is good to know you have that appointment in a week's time. How are you feeling today?

James

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

White_Rose — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 03:33:16 GMT

Hello YS

My apologies for not replying earlier. My excuse is that I have been sick and needed a rest before coming back here. I'm here now and ready to chat about the meaning of life. I think, according to the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, the answer is 42. Not being flippant, that part always makes me laugh.

You are not any specie of bovine. Neither do I think you are ungrateful. When living our lives feels like an eternity of pain it's understandable to feel neglected. While we cannot promise to be here in an instant when you need us, we will try to answer you as soon as possible. If you are feeling distressed and need someone to talk to straight away try phoning the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636 which is open 24/7.

Yes the avoidance trick seems so logical. If I can't see it, it doesn't exist, if I don't talk about, it will go away. If only...

Avoiding contact, immense guilt and lying to the people I love, I have not seen a psychologist for >2 months and have been drinking to avoid feeling the guilt. That's depression in general. Some people drink, some abuse the drugs they are given to heal, some indulge in other ways of distracting themselves.

Depression is no respecter of persons. No matter your age, gender, social status, finances, home, where you live, family, the black dog bites where it wants. Trying to decide why you are depressed is like the comment "Why me?" And the answer is "Why not?" No not trying to be funny, just an illustration of the randomness of depression.

So now that's out of the way we can concentrate on what you can change. Well the first obvious change is going to see the psychologist regularly. I don't imagine for one moment that this is going to be easy just because I said so. How can you make sure you attend? All the obvious things like not drinking of course but that's part of the problem. How long does it take you to get to the psych? Driving, public transport? Close enough to walk? Can you ask the psych to allow his receptionist to give give you a call just before the time you need to set out. Do you think this would help? Perhaps an SMS? What do you think will get you to the psych?

I will leave you with these thoughts. Try to think about what needs to happen to get you to the psych and come back here and talk about it.

Mary

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 02:58:59 GMT

Thank oh to whiterose, james1 and also the moderator. I did posturing a bad time and feel very sorry for my words. It was not fair. I understand the moderators words and I am sorry. My psychologist's appointment is in 10 days time as I cancelled the last time again.. I desperately need to as there is no one else I feel I can speak to. I have been lying about going to work to my family and my husband and I am afraid of disappointing them to the point that they would leave esp my husband... I am an idiot for putting off seeing professionals when I very much need to...unfortunately the psychologist is about an hour away but that is no excuse either.

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

White_Rose — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 21:43:45 GMT

Hello YS

I gather you wrote a post that was held back by the moderators. That's OK, when you feeling horrible yourself and don't know what to do. BB needs to make sure you are safe and also anyone else. Being safe can include posts that are abusive in any way. I have no idea what you said and now it doesn't matter as you have listened to the mods.

Cancelled again. I can understand how much you want to drink despite knowing it does not help in the long run. Please make sure there is no alcohol in your home. Do you have any family or friends nearby? Can you ask one of them to go with you to see the psych? If someone comes to collect you, so to speak, would that be enough to get you to the psych? It's certainly worth trying.

It's these sort plans that can help you to heal. Can you think of any other activities where getting someone to prompt you would be helpful? I see you have not told your husband or family about your depression. You need to tell your husband so he can support you. We all need help, especially for mental illness because it drags us so much.

My depression is not bad at the moment but I am recovering from a couple of illnesses and I am exhausted. I need time off from my usual activities to simply recuperate. But sometimes I find getting up to make a coffee is almost beyond me. I know our issues are not the same but the feeling of being useless is the same. It is a battle to take the smallest step, literally or metaphorically. Pleas make sure you keep the next appointment with your psych.

When you write in again can you tell me one way that will help you get to see your psych.

Mary

Feel like I'm drowning-Melancholic depression

YS — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 03:39:56 GMT

Thank you so much for your reply. None of my posts have been held back...I just felt really bad for being so selfish...I can understand to some extent the lack of motivation and energy to get up to do anything...it is hard for anyone to say anything because more often than not there isn't anyone there in the moment with you...my husband and family have a good idea of the depression but not of the drinking...I am so ashamed and full of guilt. My sister has asked and suggested the same thing as you I.e. if it is better if someone came with me but I don't think so...the weird thing is I enjoy the trip to the psychologist...via the ferry on the water.. so it doesn't make sense...frustrated at myself...