topic Things keep getting worse... in Depression

Things keep getting worse...

unicornprincess29 — Mon, 31 Jul 2017 13:40:35 GMT

Hi everyone,

I've had depression and anxiety for about a year now, and the past few months I just feel like everything is getting worse and it's harder to keep fighting it.

Initially it was just that I was having problems at uni... I failed a few subjects last year and was on the verge of being kicked out, however I wasn't because they took my mental illnesses and things happening at the time into account. I am however a year behind my friends now, and I just feel like the cohort I'm in now is so unfriendly compared to mine. We were all so close last year, but my new one is just so segregated and no one seems to really have friends. I'm currently waiting for my results from last semester, and I'm really anxious about it, because if I failed again, I'm definitely getting excluded and I would have no idea what to do if that happened. I need this degree for the field I want to go in to, and it's one of those degrees where if you get excluded from one uni, you're basically guaranteed to not be accepted elsewhere either. There's nothing else I want to do with my life though except this, so I'm just really worried at the moment.

Apart from this, I spent the majority of last year having problems with my BF's family, and I've spent the majority of this year having problems with my own. And every time I feel like I'm making progress with my family, it's one step forward, three steps back. I've been lucky though that my BF has been my absolute rock. However now the problems between my family and I are affecting my relationship with him, and things are going downhill very fast, and now I'm worried that we're going to end.

I don't have many friends, and the one or two I do have, have really busy lives so I feel like I don't have many people to talk to at all. I feel really alone a lot of the time now, and as the bad things keep piling on, I just get more tired of trying to fight it. It's kind of like I feel like I make some progress, but then something else happens, and it undoes the work I put into trying to fight this, and now it's just exhausting. I haven't ever had suicidal or self harm thoughts, but I do sometimes wonder what's the point of all this pain.

Things keep getting worse...

White_Rose — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 10:38:47 GMT

Dear Unicorn Princess

Hello. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. It is hard when you put out one fire to see another start up. Can we talk about your family and your BF's family? Since these problems started with the BF family can you tell us what happened? What sort of problems were taking place. It's such a potentially huge topic that I could talk all day and not get close to what is happening to you.

And the same with your family. Are the problems related to the BF family, or the same, completely different? If you could tell us a little bit more it would help.

I see that now you are repeating a year at uni you have lost touch with the people in your first group. It's a shame you cannot perhaps meet up with one or two of these people just to see how you are all going. It may be helpful for you.

As I read your post I was conscious of a huge wave swamping you with all these problems. When the wave recedes it leaving you lying on the beach without the energy to get up and move away before you are caught up in the next wave. Can you tell us what you are trying to fight? By that I mean are you trying to put things right with or for others, or perhaps live with criticism from others, or some other bother. It always help to work out what is actually happening under the surface.

It won't be cured by working this out but it's a huge step. Sometimes people feel they need to go in to bat for others because they can see some injustice or unkindness. Often this is the sort of fight that produces the most energy loss. You are unlikely to be justified because the argument or whatever is not to do with you and you cannot 'make' anyone do anything, even if you feel it's good for the person concerned.

OK enough of that. You have told us you have some depression and anxiety. How are you being treated? Do you see a counsellor of some sort or perhaps your GP? It does help to have someone to talk to, someone who who understands depression and the effect it can have on you. How much do you know about depression? Take a look at the information on Beyond Blue. Look under The Facts tab at the top of the page. You can download some of the information and also send for some of the booklets. It really is a good idea to understand what is happening to you from a psychological point of view.

It may be helpful if you saw your GP and asked for a referral to a counsellor. Or organise this on your own by going to the uni counsellors. Please keep in touch here.

Mary

Things keep getting worse...

demonblaster — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 12:08:33 GMT

Ahhh Princess Hi

A lot going on atm for you. Sorry to hear.

I can't really add much to White Roses post which is so good btw White 🙂
Tho one thing that often does happen and I really mean that I hope it's the case for you is a lot of stuff we think might happen doesn't. BUT if sadly the uni doesn't work out, you really have your heart set on what you want to do so there's a good chance there may be another way that you haven't yet discovered to achieve your goals.

Although there's grief atm with BF it does sound that you have a good relationship happening so that too I'm hoping will work out too

Soz not much help but am here for you as well

I'll definately keep up with this thread and hope you can find some solutions

Good luck

Things keep getting worse...

White_Rose — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 05:39:22 GMT

Hello Unicorn Princess

Dropping by to see how you are going. It's been a couple of days since you wrote and I am wondering how we can help you.

Mary

Things keep getting worse...

unicornprincess29 — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 06:54:57 GMT

Hi Mary and Demonblaster! Firstly I just wanted to apologise for my really late reply... I've had such a busy week, I haven't had time to write a proper reply. I also wanted to thank you both for your responses! 🙂

In regards to my BF's family, I have another thread about it because it is such a long story (The thread is: Boyfriend's Family Makes My Depression/Anxiety Worse). But to summarise, his parents are probably the ideal definition of monster in laws... they were horrible to the both of us, and we went 6 months without seeing or speaking to them, however my BF has recently re-connected with them, which has been stressful for both of us.

With my family, due to cultural differences, my family hasn't exactly been very accepting of my BF, which has also been very stressful for us. Obviously, my BF doesn't feel good about it at all, and I completely understand his point of view, and I agree with it as well... and it's just really hard for me to be in the middle all the time, but I definitely know he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, so it does all come down to my family now.

With my old uni friends, I'm still in touch with them via FB and texts/calls etc., but it's just so hard to find time to actually see each other. Our uni timetables are quite different, and all of us tend to work or have other things on when we're not at uni. Obviously I'm glad we still talk, but I just wish we still had that face-to-face contact.

I guess I'm just trying to fight feeling swamped by all these emotions. It just feels like it's so hard to maintain friendships, or to maintain peace with my family, and now that his family is back in his life, it seems like there's a lot of tension with my BF as well. I guess I just want to be happy, and I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process as well.

With my anxiety and depression, I saw a GP who referred me to a counsellor. Seeing a counsellor made me feel feel worse... like I'd leave every session feeling much worse, and when I took breaks from seeing her during exam periods or whatever, I'd feel better. So her, my GP and I all thought that maybe counselling wasn't the right thing for me. I'm also not on any medication because my GP didn't feel I was at the point where I needed them, and she also said that I seem to have very strong coping mechanisms... it's just when multiple major bad things happen, that I seem to struggle. I do however do an independent CBT program.

unicornprincess

Things keep getting worse...

unicornprincess29 — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 07:13:43 GMT

Hi demonblaster,

Sorry I couldn't fit my response about uni ino my previous response. I think the worst case scenario is that I get kicked out, in which event, I'll be excluded for a couple of years... and the problem is I definitely know that that will be a problem for me getting into the degree elsewhere, and there really is no other way I can get into the profession without the degree. It's even harder because I currently get financial help from my family, but if things go south with them (in regards to the problems I'm having with them and my BF), all the financial stuff will depend on my BF, and he doesn't earn that much that we'd be able to live comfortably and also have some savings left.. which prevents us from achieving a lot of the goals we were hoping for. I guess I just really blame myself for letting things with uni get as bad as they did, and looking back on it, I really regret letting all of these other things ruin my focus.

unicornprincess

Things keep getting worse...

White_Rose — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 09:24:42 GMT

There is never a time limit on posts. I dropped by to say hello.

That's interesting about feeling worse after seeing the counsellor. I used to feel like that after every session with my then psychiatrist. I found it hard to leave because I knew I was going to feel bad once I left. I could never work out why that was because I had no problems appointments with other doctors. I was talking one day with a psychologist and saying how I felt reluctant to leave st the end of the session, and very silly. He invited me to look round the room and see if there was anything dangerous there. Well of course there was no such thing.

He went on to say that I felt safe in that room, able to talk about all sorts of things (after a while) that the room was like being out of time and space. Then when I left I was back in the world and all the problems etc that I had came rushing back. Basically I wanted to stay there because it was safe and I felt protected. Do you think this was the cause of your feeling worse?

It's a pity because I think you could have explored why you feel swamped by emotions, learn how to manage them and maintain good relationships with others.

Mary

Things keep getting worse...

demonblaster — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 20:57:21 GMT

Hi Princess and White 🙂 You're very welcome Princess

I am listening to what you're saying about Uni, so much going on in your life it's no wonder you're struggling with it. Because you clearly know this is what you want to do & that being the case you'd probably be very good at it, if worse scenario happens maybe the break could give you some time I hope to come to some resolve with BF/family issues.
Maybe later you could talk to other Uni & be very clear this is what you want to be doing, you'd be speaking from your heart, they'd want the ones that want to achieve. Hard but not impossible I'm hoping. I know you know way more about the procedure but I wouldn't full stop that avenue yet. The saying where there's a will there's a way.

BF's the one you want to spend your life with, both families geez, do you know their reasons, you said cultural differences but yous wanna be together are happy and love eachother isn't that what matters.
Do eachothers families like you & BF?

I'm wondering if the reason you've been feeling worse seeing counsellor because it's surfacing your pain and stress. It is painful acknowledging it. If they have a full understanding of your situation hopefully be able to help you with coping strategies & maybe solutions. If you feel comfortable with them it's good to be able to release without judgement.
entirely your call darl 🙂

Very good what Whites psych said about being in a safe place.

You're in a tough place atm princess (( hugs )) . Sounds to me there's no harm in what you want so is worth sticking at.

As White said no time limit here, whenever you're able
xx

Things keep getting worse...

unicornprincess29 — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 08:41:21 GMT

Hi Mary,

For some reason, I actually found I felt the opposite way to what you felt. It wasn't so much that I felt unsafe or anything being there, because my psychologist was lovely, but I don't know... I felt safer not being there. And I think demonblaster is right in saying that's probably because it surfaced a lot of feelings and events that I was trying to get over.

I think the other problem I really had with the whole environment was that it felt like we were focusing on the negatives A LOT. Five sessions in, we had done the same thing each week... I'd walk in and she'd be like how do you feel, and then we'd talk about the things I'd already gone in depth with the previous weeks. I guess I thought that somewhere along the lines she'd offer some strategies to help me. Obviously I knew most of it would be me talking, and that was great the first few sessions, but by the fifth session, it was just me repeating the same things I had said before.

The other thing that I guess annoyed me a bit was that she'd never say I was in the wrong. I know they're meant to be supportive, but at the time I was severely agitated and I asked for her help on how to not get so annoyed at small things that happened, but instead of saying something like "yes, I can why you feel that it wasn't as big a deal as you thought, let's work on some ways to help with that", it was always "yes, I can see why it annoyed you, and you were justified in being angry about it", when I definitely know I wasn't (in the example I gave her).

unicornprincess

Things keep getting worse...

unicornprincess29 — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 09:02:40 GMT

Hi demonblaster,

Oh I know you were hearing me, I just wanted to explain it a bit more. 🙂 My BF spent months telling me there'd be other ways, until I went into great detail about it haha. But yeah, I do hope there's a way!

With my culture/religion, I'm not meant to move out of home until I'm married & 99% marry someone of the same religion...I think both of those things are what my family wanted for me. Apart from that, I come from a well off family, whereas my BF doesn't, and he's here on a visa so there's been a bit of doubt from my family as to what his intentions are. I'm also an only child so my family is quite protective. And look, I do understand bits of where they're coming from, but my problem mostly has been that they won't even get to know him... so I've constantly been trying to make them like him. And tbh, that doesn't take a lot of effort, because recently my anxiety/depression made me physically sick & he took a lot of days off work for me... either to go to the hospital, or just be at home with me, and initially I hadn't told my family about my mental illnesses, so he was paying for all my sessions as well... so he is a really good guy and I'm very lucky to have him, and I've been wishing my family would see that. However, I have some positive news! My family seems to be coming around! I had a chat with them last night, and prior to that, our chats hadn't gone very well at all... but last night was very calm and understanding, so I think I've finally made some progress! Fingers crossed!

I'm not sure if you read my thread about my BF's family (no pressure to haha, just filling you in), but since they've come back into his life, they've been saying they never meant to say/do all the things that hurt us & that they do like me etc. Most of the time I can forgive and forget, but I know with them, they've done this to him a lot... since he's been little, they've lashed out at him, apologised and then done it again... so I don't trust them at all, and I don't really believe anything they say anymore. And my BF himself said that there's no way he'll force me to have a relationship with them, because he understands how bad it was for me when things went the way they did... but I do feel like he changes when he sees them (I think they stress him out a lot). They do leave in 12 days though & we won't have to see them for a very long time... which will ease some of the stress.

unicornprincess x

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demonblaster — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 22:04:04 GMT

Hey Princess 😄 YAY stoked to hear some good communications at last happening, at least on one side anyway, I think lack & poor communications one of our biggest probs as a race. Sounds like you're on your way at least with your fam to coming to some sort of resolve.
I feel that's right to want them to see for themselves what a good bloke he is and that he does have your interests at heart. Do they know what he's done for you? That's good proof of his love.
I do too understand they're reluctance outta love for you what are his intentions because of being on a visa, but looks like he's real aye.

I'm hoping/thinking both families love their members hence a lot of friction and shame beliefs have to interfere with genuine love.

Another plus his side are off again, YEEbah looks like things are slowly improving. At the very least less pressure as you say.

Look I contradict myself often lol, but re Uni, slap me if you want :), not too hard tho lol stubborn as but I say don't give up on anything until you've exhausted every possible avenue, they'd have all sorts of situations that arise and the fact it's absolutely solid that that's what you wanna do, sell yourself to the next uni if worst comes to worst at this one. Hey I get it if you really do wanna shake me laughing xx

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unicornprincess29 — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 14:05:49 GMT

Agreed! I think at first maybe my family didn't realise how serious we were, and we've talked about our future plans before, but I think it just took them a bit longer to realise that this was who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with... and that if they kept rejecting him, that it would push me away too, and that's definitely not what they want.

And yes, they do know all he's done for me... the only thing I haven't told them is that he stood up for me and was on my side during the whole ordeal with his family... I didn't tell them anything about that whole situation. I feel like I eventually will, but at the moment, the last thing I wanted was my family to think he was as messed up as his family. I don't want to sound horrible, but if I had met them first, I don't think I would have ever met my BF because obviously they did raise him and it's almost unbelievable how he turned out so great with parents like that. But yes! Counting down the days until they leave... and I don't feel too bad about saying that, because I think my BF is just as excited LOL.

In regards to uni, I just wish they'd release my results already so I'd know what to do next! This has been the longest wait of my life haha. But yes I do hope that if the worst happens, eventually there will be someone who sees how much I want this.

Things keep getting worse...

demonblaster — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 18:55:06 GMT

cool looking forward to hearing how it all pans out. Yeah the waiting would be so frustrating.
As you say once you know you can work from there.
You'll find a way if need be, it's what you want.

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unicornprincess29 — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 16:06:06 GMT

UPDATE: I passed!! The relief is unbelievable. Feels like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! And everything else seems to be going well still as well! 🙂

Things keep getting worse...

demonblaster — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 23:35:41 GMT

WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!....CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! ....parteeeeeeee

Such great news, you must be sooooo happpppy

Keep that in mind, things don't always work out how we think anticipate they will.

SOOOOO happy for you.

and everything else falling into place now.....stoked for ya 😄 : D 😄 ... I'm guessing his families choofed by now too.

Goood for you (( hugs ))

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White_Rose — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 23:43:26 GMT

Hello Princess

Many congratulations on passing this subject. Also good to know the pressure from the BF family will soon be considerably ended. I am so pleased your family have got to know the BF a bit more and is now supporting you.

I read your reply about the counsellor and yes I agree, they seem to focus on all the negatives which can be painful. I had that problem. I could talk about about anything without much encouragement but as soon as I mentioned something difficult or painful the psych was on to it in a flash. Of course this is what we are there, to understand our past to manage our present and future. Too much of this though is very hard and I wished he would talk about the more pleasant things in life if only to point out that not all was doom and gloom.

So what is your next step now you have finished at uni?

Mary

Things keep getting worse...

unicornprincess29 — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 14:47:52 GMT

Thank you demonblaster and Mary!! 🙂

I haven't finished uni yet though. Basically what happened was I'm doing a 2 year Masters degree, and so last year (my first year of the degree), I failed around half my subjects in the first semester, which meant I wasn't allowed to fail anything in the second semester or I could have potentially been kicked out. I did fail something in the second semester though. However because 2016 was the last year of that curriculum (they introduced a new degree in 2017), they gave me (and everyone else who failed anything) a chance to resit the final exams. So I actually did pass 3/4 of them, I only failed one. I did however still have to have a meeting with the academic staff to convince them that I shouldn't be kicked out. My BF was there too to back up my story, and I also had a letter from my psychologist, so I wasn't kicked out. I did have to repeat that one subject this year though, and I wasn't allowed to do it alongside the second year subjects, which is why I'm a year behind the really good group of friends I made last year. So I repeated the subject first semester this year, and now I get the second semester off to work and take a bit of a study break, before I go back to being at uni full time next year. And then I'll have my intern year the following year (I'm studying pharmacy). 🙂

As for my BF's family, they leave in a couple of days. I actually saw them yesterday. My BF thought it would be a good idea for us to say bye in a civil way, so we just went out to a dessert place. They didn't apologise or anything the whole night, they just acted like nothing ever happened. However before my BF and I went home, they did say thank you to me for coming back into their life, and that they know once they leave, their son is in good hands and that makes them happy. They did also say though that they were sorry but that we shouldn't dwell on the past because "it's nothing, it's not important", which I did find a bit condascending, because like I've said before, their attitude is that once they apologise, everything is all fine and normal again, but in reality they really hit some nerves, so I don't really agree with it all just being brushed aside... but I just wanted my BF to have a decent farewell with them and see that I made an effort to be there.

Things keep getting worse...

unicornprincess29 — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 14:55:29 GMT

Oh and just in regards to counselling, I'm not completely closed off to the idea, I think I will give it another try at some point, with someone different. I just think that at the time I was going, it wasn't giving me the kind of support I had hoped for. I don't expect miracles because obviously there's so many issues a psychologist needs to tackle sometimes, but I was really hoping for some guidance and strategies and I just wasn't getting any from her. We just went over the same life timeline for the first 5 sessions, which I understand is important, but even if she spent maybe 10 - 15 minutes a session helping me with some tips to deal with exam anxiety or low self esteem, I think that would have been beneficial, and I even told her things like that were what I wanted, but it just never happened

Things keep getting worse...

White_Rose — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 17:36:29 GMT

Hello Princess

Thank you for bringing me up to date on the happenings in your world. If I understand you correctly you are up to date with your studies as in you have now passed all the subjects in your first year. Now you are having a break until the start of next year when you will return to full time study. Sounds as though you are back on track which is great.

I think it was a good idea to have the farewell with your BF family. Whether or not they believe an apology cancels all the unkindness they gave you doesn't matter now. They have admitted as far as they could that they caused you some pain. You will not see them for a while so acknowledge to yourself that they tried and move on. It is important to understand their point of view whether you think it's sufficient or not. Sadly we cannot make others do anything so acknowledging they tried is the best thing to do. Now you can settle down again.

Did you see your psychologist via a mental health plan from your GP? Or did your GP refer you to someone? The GP mental health plan will give you up to ten subsidised psychologist sessions in a calendar year but after that you will be paying the whole fee. If you have private medical insurance extras you may be able to claim benefits but it does depend on your level of cover. In any event the rebate is much less than the Medicare rebate.

I think it may be helpful to chat to someone about the happenings of the past 18 months or so and put it all in perspective. Probably the ten sessions with a psychologist would be enough, though I am not an expert in that area. Worth checking out. Just don't return to the previous psychologist.

I noticed you said the psych did not give you any guidance or strategies. Mostly they don't do that. They want to help you uncover your trigger points and why some things really press your buttons. Telling you how to cope with them before you understand what it is you need to manage will only push past events into the background and they may well surface later. You then may need to go through the whole thing again.

For example, if you found it hard to control your temper the psych may suggest some first aid stuff such as counting to ten first. This is a stopgap measure to give you breathing space. You will still get annoyed because the background events are still there and still upsetting you. You will need to explore the background to getting angry. It's not always so cut and dried but I hope you get the picture.

Mary

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demonblaster — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 23:38:53 GMT

Hey Princess,

Wow lot happening atm & majority on the positive side

BF's family yeah I'll give them that they did apologise, no idea yet how not to dwell on past but when people hurt it doesn't just stop but you've made some amazing ground there, they said they're happy you'll be there looking out for him ....wow ....that's mega coming from them aye. Sounds like there's a lot more ground covered than what you think hearing what you're saying darl.
tbh I wouldn't either be forgetting or forgiving but yeah moving on is the most harmonious way to go.

A break from studies would be welcome I imagine, & needed, heavy stuff esp pharmacy, good for you.

Look forward to hearing how you continue to get on darl 🙂