topic Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast??? in Depression

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 04:49:44 GMT

Hi, not sure whether this is the right thing to do?

I have no one else to speak with, about how things are with my position.

I know I have allowed things in my life to way me down, to the point where, I can not seem to see the way out.

Some days are better than others, I find great solace, in the animals in my life, of which are many, mostly wild.

I seem to feel great empathy and sadness for the hopelessness, I see in all things around me, and take it on board.

I try to help others of all species, and cant help myself. Once, I was the most trusting of all that I met, and gave of everything I could freely and honestly, only to be tossed aside each time.

And still, I leave myself open to the users and the self indulged, blinded to there indifference, I accept there words and smooth ways.

It's in disbelief, and distrusting suspicion that I thrive now, detached and isolated from all but nature, in that I trust.

It's very hard to describe the way of things, but in this way I remain distant and detached, where it's safe.

I still have to endure dramas and problems in my life due to commitments and responsibility's every day.

I hide well my ashamed self, and put up a good front to all those I deal with every day, at arms length.

A social life I have none, interacting with others closely none, alone in mind, alone in body, alone in spirit.

Have recently been accumulating my rubbish around me on display, so as to remind me what I am.

Sorry to burden any who read this with my silliness, but would like any comments, may be out of all the self analysis, other views and opinions or experiences may help me turn around this endlessness.

I know I have much more to give in many ways, but cant get the pointlessness out of me!!

With much respect and a kind heart, Thank You.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

white knight — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 08:55:50 GMT

Hi Djordat, welcome

I can connect strongly to everything you've said. I think you've posted in the best place.

Im 61 but in my 20's following careers in the Air Force and warder in a jail I was dissolutioned...I went bush on several occasions seeking nature and escaping the city and cruel people. Also I didnt know I had emotional mental illnesses.

Now, I'm in a better place and have written many threads hete some of which I think you'll benefit from. Even if you just read the first post. Use google

Topic: life in the fast lane- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: inner peace, the glory of being you- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Maharaji the perfect instrument youtube

Thete are many more, most in the "staying well" section.

Glad you're here, enjoy.

Tony WK

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 09:50:36 GMT

Thank you Tony for your kindness and support.

Will look up the links provided by you, as soon as I'm able.

As work consumes most of my time, every day, all year, early till late.

Many thanks again. Djordat.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Guest_128 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 10:48:28 GMT

Hi there,

Just telling you that most of us here feel exactly like you,

take your time and look around,I'm sure you will start to feel comfortable soon.

I will check in tomorrow,

what are the animals you look after?

Dory

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Guest_1584 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 16:42:46 GMT

Hi D.

Well your a great writer too , maybe you should write a book as well.

People , yeah , l hear ya. l've come to pretty well except last few yrs forget trust 99% of people that come to be around me or the few that are actually in my life. just seems to be the way. not even brothers and sisters. Got 11 if them, all huggy huggy and insisting on family family , still went through my divorce totally alone.

Seems all you ask in life is a bit of loyalty , people you can be honest and open with each other or be there for each other, forget it , there's always a line, always betrayal . Marriage seems like the only way but only if your lucky , even that doesn't mean much these days.

Maybe others have better luck with people , l dunno. but these days and it might be an alternative for you too is just do your thing , mix with people or enjoy a chat or go places or whatever , but just take them with a grain of salt , pretty well all of them.Zero expectations , that way when they do turn around and let you down or show their colors as they all seem to do , it's just an oh yeah , no surprises, whatever . That's pretty well how l go these days, don't offer much don't expect much and lf l tell too much it'll be turned on me somewhere down the road, the whole box of rocks yaknow. don;t waste energy on cynical or blocking the world away , it's all a given, a joke, just take em all with a grain of salt.

l still open to that maybe one day, one day, someone comes into life that will be a real friend , but not holding my breath. Zero expectations , no surprises.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

swtpotato — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 00:26:28 GMT

Hi Djordat,

I think a lot of people here will relate to what you have said, which you have expressed beautifully.

May I ask what some of your commitments and responsibilities are?

Do you feel like the people around you are not open to feelings of depression/anxiety?

It sounds like you have been hurt by people in the past, do you feel like past experiences stop you from trying to connect with others now? I can understand how that can happen for those with too much empathy - it is difficult not to take on what is not yours.

I hope reading other's experiences on the forums will help you feel less alone. It is a very good way to connect in a totally non-judgemental space.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 00:32:04 GMT

Thank you dory, for your support and interest.

I love animals of all kinds, from the lowliest of the insects, to the most powerful of all things, people (just harder to deal with the most).

Time I spend the most of with, are. dogs, goats, birds, snakes, lizards, crocodiles, fish, even some times, sharks etc, etc, etc.

Mostly wild, or repaired injuries, from traffic interaction. I just love the lack of expectation from them, and how they keep there independence.

Even my dogs are free to choose, but they relate to me and show great empathy, never expecting more or less from me, a therapy in it's self.

I appreciate your caring, many thanks. Dordat.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 01:13:29 GMT

Thank you Randomx,

I can defiantly relate to your experiences, and position in life, mine is one of standing alone looking in, it's been the way for what seems an eternity. I to have family and long time friends who seem preoccupied in their world, which has no place for me.

I don't mind this, as they are not meant to be there for me, but some understanding of the gulf between us, would be nice, or some acceptance of the the vast differences of opinions, as I accept theirs.

Marriage is merely a formal constitution, of each individuals rights, and love is for ever, never to be frowned upon, as it is to deep to dismiss or to consider so shallow as to build hate, distrust or contempt from it.

I seem to be lost in the ideology of love, and bring it to everything I do, accepting all as deserving it, whether known to me or not, all things deserve it, even if it dose not come back.

Loneliness is destructive if not viewed from the right angle, mine is self originated, a decision made by me, and accepted for why! I long for the right companionship, but know it wont happen on my terms, or by me trying to force it, so I rely on those that have no expectations of me, the animals!

I thank you for your words, to inspire this response, I don't usually speak from the hart, as it is only me that reply's. Many thanks. Dordat.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 01:56:59 GMT

Thank you EM, for you kind interest.

Will try to answer you quires as honestly as I can.....My day to day is tied up with commitments mostly, to my latest and oldest profession, which is unique, and can be demanding, a 24/7 365 Responsibility to it, keeps me occupied most of the time. I meet many people from all walks of life, and educate them in very unique and special understandings from an altogether different point of view.

Home also keeps me busy, with the place, and animals that rely on me for their day to day well-being.

I guard well my innermost feelings and behavioral patterns from all, and let no other in. To keep them from perhaps feeling sorrow or sympathy, as I do not deserve it, or want it, any that I know would not understand it anyway.

My whole life, almost since I can remember has been one of, persecution, demoralization, having no value, of loss, emotional and spiritual blackmail, physical and mental abuse, and total lack of understanding or acceptance. And upon self analyzing myself for what seems a millennia, I'm not that bad! Just a bit to honest and passionate for my own good, something I can't seem to change.

I'm very empathetic, highly responsible, very committed and can be totally devoted.

Many Thanks for your many questions, about my life EM. Djordat.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Just Sara — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 04:04:39 GMT

Hi and welcome Djordat;

Animals and nature's so predictable yeah? It's us humans that aren't...

However...yes, there's an however. Our patterns of behaviour in relation to our past can be predictable. It's identifying them, applying self forgiveness/compassion and then very gradually replacing old thinking, beliefs and behaviour with new ones.

The most important aspect of this is being kind, gentle and proactive towards you and your healing first. Referring to yourself as rubbish isn't in line with this concept at all. You wouldn't say it about another, so why do it? Don't you have an equal right to empathy?

Self deprecation's a useless and unproductive habit. This cycle of self defeat doesn't allow for healing on any level of our consciousness. I'm sure you understand why animals get better quicker than humans due to this; they have no judgement and so respond well to treatment/therapy.

I absolutely understand how being alone feels safe, but it also inhibits the healing process. 'No man/woman is an island'.

What are you willing to do to become the person you want to be? And; do you really want to be different and get better?

Big questions, but very relevant. I'm here for you ok...

Sez

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Guest_128 — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 10:43:33 GMT

Hey,

Thankyou for all your replies,they were very thought out.

You must have the most diverse bunch of animals friends ever. Love it.

I need to be honest,I am jealous of your life,that you have said,I often think,organise to just leave, and know I could survive.

question, Do you think many people really truly experience love?

Dory

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 13:17:49 GMT

Thank you Sara, for your encouragement and support.

I understand what your saying, and believe wholly in it, I've reached a point where I know I need to be something more again, my life has been; very diverse! And in very many ways. I only see others in need, and not myself, I know I have a huge amount to still give, unfortunately I still have many major obstacles out of my control, namely very unscrupulous people, one in particular is very disturbing, and can not remove this one so easily! To entrenched in my life and owes to much to just wipe it out, and reluctant to do so as have to much time invested. I can only hope I can, in a reasonable and forthright manner, as very reluctant to stoop to the level displayed by said person.

Not a personal situation, but involved in my business.

I'm a very honest and very trusting person, and give more than I should, I know that? But cant climb the mountain to a new beginning, dragging this weight with me.

I've met and worked with many very dangerous, and devious people before, but none so like this, and as close as this, with no honer, no scruples and no integrity.

I'm not a defeatist, just significantly demoralized by such indignant self indulged people, I know once removed from my life forever, I will be born anew.

Again I thank for your support, and have taken what you suggested to hart, and will modify my approach, With Much Respect. Djordat.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 14:22:24 GMT

Hi Dory, good to here from you again.

Thank you for your comments and quires.

The thing with the world is you are always surrounded by other things living their life, no matter how small, or how scary they may seem at first, all of the creatures endure life long issues, no matter where they live, once accepted and given their differences, they can be of great comfort, not only people inhabit this wonderful planet, but all things great and small. their struggles in many ways give me strength, and the understanding that I am very lucky to be human, even with all my failings.

Being a wandering, accepting part of the world outside the norm is for-filling, but I always regret not having another to speak my words to, who can speak back in words and feelings, equal to my own. Difficult to understand me, unless free of the thoughts and ways we have grown to accept. Sometimes understanding needs to be unbiased, and free to wander from the "socially" accepted!

Q. Do you think many people really truly experience love?

A. Very difficult to explain, I will answer with my own view. Love,.......An easy word, but the hardest to achieve, I think Yes, with a Capital Y, A child can love without question, from birth, not only the mother and farther but all whom they bond with, this is the purest of Love, with out expectation, unadulterated, as we grow we endure all manner of life's issues and experiences etc, and it some how perverts our purity, unconditional Love, comes from the hart and soul, an is conditioned by the mind, with our new and learned understanding of what we assume, is the right way, based on the world around us, as perceived through life. But the pure Love still remains, giving with out expectation, accepting with out judgment, forgiving the differences, and respect, just to name a few. So Yes I say Love is always there, in a kind word, a helping hand, complete understanding of the differences in all things. But How to know it??? Or Find it again???

I thank you for helping me to think about Love again, the thought has been very distant in my mind for so long! Again, Many thanks. Djordat.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Guest_128 — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 03:58:06 GMT

Hey,

very difficult to explain true my friend,I'm thinking on my answer.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Just Sara — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 04:50:03 GMT

Hi again Dj;

Your posts reflect accomplished introspection; though a huge riddle to me. Without specifics, it's difficult to understand your resolve. Though, I guess you've given enough clues to work out there's fear in your words.

As for love? I've found unconditional love is a child's domain. It isn't as much love as an inexperienced expression of complete trust. This is dangerous for those of us, especially on this site, who've had our trust smashed to pieces by abuse, rejection, abandonment and trauma. Yet, we continued to make that same mistake over and again.

So many of us have trusted smooth operators who con and lure us to our demise. Did we love them? Absolutely, but without recognising or acknowledging signs of what's to come, we continue to put ourselves at risk.

Like animals, we have gut reactions. Society/parents haven't taught us how to heed these fleeting 'signs', so we ignore them as "Oh that's just me worrying too much" Deadly words indeed.

My conclusion? When love's blind, it's not love. It's unconditional trust, and that's not safe or an adult concept. Wisdom's gained from how we treat ourselves as well as how we're treated by others. If we accept these smooth talkers into our world, we then have to be accountable for it don't we?

This isn't about blame, it's about learning to take notice of those subtle warnings our bodies give us, then acting on them. Ask questions, test their motives/intent, then leave if we need to.

A friend once told me, to know if a prospective partner's worthy, make them drive you thru peak hr traffic for an hr or two. Their response will surely show their ability to cope with stress or if they turn it onto you. Wise words...

Please know this is a safe and non judgemental forum where we can talk with anonymity. We don't need to write full scenarios, but outing our woes can help others as well as attract the help we need.

Lovely chatting with you Dj;

All the best...Sez x

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Guest_1584 — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 11:24:24 GMT

Do you think it helps to stick around BB , D ?

Like as in being able to talk among people that get things or are we better to get of the computer and attempt the real world , not think so much ?

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Guest_128 — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 12:15:39 GMT

I am a bit overwhelmed because understand a lot of different things you replied,so there are many things I need to work out how to say them.

Heres The but I don't think I explain my question well.

From my experiences I don't think many humans as partners experience the full out of this world LOVE. kinda like mindfulness, high on stuff, totally twisted and infused together, nothing else matters! Joined as one.

When my favourite niece took her own when she was 19,l remember what struck me hard ,other than the fact that nobody knows why, Was did she experience that kind of love? And I don't know.

I watch people,family,friends. I don't think many have

hope this makes some sort of sense.

Dory

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Guest_128 — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 12:18:09 GMT

Hi Dom,

moderation is key

Dory

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 13:14:21 GMT

Hi again Sez,

I'll start from a more subdued level, and explain that I have never talked about my issues, or position in life like I have, in the last few days here. My life is literally with out human interaction; from within my personal space, that is.

So I have been a bit to overzealous, in offering my views! to eager to express feelings through written words, leaves gaps in interpretation; of me, and what I try to convey, from a point of view unique to me only!

I am not good at expression, with words only!

I would say that "fear" is right, although I am strong in mind and body, I am weak, and cower in my world, to avoid confrontation, and loss. I have withdrawn, and find companionship in the things that don't react or interact in any way that's unexpected, I know, I don't matter out side this place I'm in. And when I do step out, always end up used, abused or degraded. It's Very Very..................?

Try to be a pillar of support to any, but am not a model human being, compassion for all, but me. Help anyone, anything, in need, and can't help myself!!

I don't believe that being a victim, in any situation, is the responsibility of those who are victimized, nor should they have to take it on board, a pretense is a lie, and lies benefit the lire, is premeditated, to benefit them only. In love, business, or any other situation, I know this, from out side my own world, trough experience with others. deception, withholding, smooth talking, etc are forms of coercion, designed to manipulate.

I have only experienced very few partners with in my space, and never new what they were really about, and I am very empathetic!

I do long for pure, carefree, honest love and companionship, but I don't know the way to find it? And who would want the baggage??

A conversation one on one, with passion, understanding, with varying points of view to stimulate and enlighten, alludes me.

I do appreciate your input,

Again many thanks, and Take care. Djordat.

Alone, forgotten, saddend, no self respect, no motivation, totally disillusioned, outcast???

Djordat — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 14:12:21 GMT

Hi again Dory,

You make a lot of sense, and should ask, I am here to help you, myself and others.

I was probably to eager to unload in my last, as have not have much opportunity to communicate with others for a very long time, like opening the flood gates, please forgive.

I am very sorry to here about your nice, and feel deeply for you and your family and friends!

On the question, I believe deeply that, what you ask is possible, I have seen people who have been together so long, and yet, they indulge each other, can be totally lost in each other, even in a busy place, as if there where no one else, always mindful and totally devoted, in sink with each other as if one. I remember how mesmerizing it was to see them, almost addictive. I know it exists and like you I long for it too.

I too have; in the begging, when we first meet someone, the depth; the trust and passion we feel, never wanting to leave each other, always thinking about them, more than just physical, go's way beyond that. I know, I hold on to that part of it, long for it.

keeps me alive, keeps me going, part of the drive to continue, I may never find it again, but it doesn't matter, as there is always hope and belief, the greatest strengths.

We can only believe that everyone experiences this kind of love in life, even if only for a moment, and this can carry us for ever.

Thank you Dory, here to be a friend to all.

Many Thanks, take care, talk soon. Djordat.