topic Depression and self sabotage in Depression

Depression and self sabotage

M2 — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 10:39:36 GMT

Is it normal to constantly want to"hurt" yourself during a particularly bad period of depression? I don't mean physically. Any way of sabotaging my future seems to be on the cards. This time it cost me a redundancy payout (20 years). Another time it was a split of my divorce settlement (I gave everything instead to my ex). Usually it is smaller, not financial, more a way of putting myself last somehow, others always first.

It's obviously some kind of martyr complex. Often others don't know about it, else I'd guess it was to make others feel sorry for me. I think perhaps it's because I have somehow come to like being hopeless?

Does anyone else have this? It has been extremely destructive to my life.

Depression and self sabotage

BballJ — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 12:39:41 GMT

Hi M2,

This is an interesting one, I can't say I have seen it a lot on these forums where people want to sort of hurt themselves in a non physical sense... I have heard about the one where people do things so others feel sorry for them, but you don't seem to want that as you said. May I ask do you currently see a GP or psychologist about your depression? If so, have you ever told them about this behaviour? It seems like it would be a good thing to bring up to them and why it is done. I am sorry I don't have the perfect advice for you and I hope someone comments who can relate on a closer lever.

My best for you,

Jay

Depression and self sabotage

Tanny2 — Sun, 04 Jun 2017 17:44:18 GMT

I can relate to what you say. I hurt ,yself too. Ive lost a bloody good job, my husband of 24 years and ma daughter because of the stupid things i do. I drank too much. They tried to support me through it for 3 years but despite thisi kept drinking. Now im living alone without my family. Lost my job. Ive lost everything pretty much. And im to blame. I i hurt myself. dont know what will become of me. I spend as much time as i can sleeping. Sleeping is my escape

Depression and self sabotage

Ash1 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 07:46:50 GMT

I can relate too. I'm constantly going round in this cycle of self destruction, then i'll pick myself up again, do ok for awhile before I go off the rails (usually due to the influence of alcohol) and I hate myself! It's so hard to break! every time i think I've gotta hold of it/got it managed the darkness slowly creeps in and before i know it everything's fallen apart again. I guess its nice to know I'm not the only one going through this kind stuff...it's just frustrating

Depression and self sabotage

Juliet_84 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 14:34:57 GMT

I don't self-sabotage in the traditional sense by medicating with alcohol, drugs etc but I choose men that are damaged and bad for me always. I can sense the most dark and brooding man from across a crowded room, even better if they're standoffish and arrogant, but ask me what I want in a man and I respond "someone kind, soft with me, funny". But then I meet these men sometimes and I am gripped by fear that I could actually be happy with someone like that. Deep down I don't honestly believe that I deserve to be happy.

Depression and self sabotage

matty_is_here — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 08:52:41 GMT

I'm here on this forum because I joined up to BB 8 months ago and have never made it in here. Long story short, I seem to keep relapsing. I've tried lots of different therapies, and not just tried - I have really given them a go. But, as one relationship after another keeps failing, or at least i keep sabotaging them, here I am. I seem to get really frustrated over small things, money, work or even just displeasing my partner or letting her down because I'm not getting better any quicker. I'm too much of a perfectionist and struggle with self esteem. When things go bad, I just want to run away and completely destroy any chance of salvaging my relationship...I just want to smash it to pieces for good so that I don't have to deal with it anymore. To deal with these issues means I have to deal with MY issues and I just don't have any answers left.

Depression and self sabotage

Driver — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 02:46:40 GMT

This is me.

Currently paralyzed by anxiety because I'm getting texts about tax returns not being done and further thoughts on the possible repercussions (at least I thought to come here, just not sure it will help - I can appease myself to some extent by taking actions, albeit those actions are never directly applicable to the crisis at hand (I'm here on this website when I should be on the tax office website)). I don't work and haven't for a few years, tried to get centrelink up and running several times but it all got 'too hard', so I've been burning through my savings at an alarming rate with just a few months reserves left until it all hits the fan in a massive way. I only ever pay bills on the brink of, or past, disconnection - even when I have the means to pay and avoid any worry. Soon I'll have no means to pay.

That's all bad enough but on top of that, I'm a father with a fantastic 11yr old daughter (shared amicably 50-50 with my ex)- doing great at school, school captain & much more besides. I can't see any outcome for me other than ending up being homeless, or worse, but that will destroy my daughter in ways I don't want to think about - so I don't think about it.

Depression and self sabotage

clownartist — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 04:13:16 GMT

Hi Driver,

I read your posting it sounds like me .I panic about bills tax returns etc and procrastinate and do nothing to the last minute.I sort of call it option paralysis too many choices so make none .I have watched my income diminish I have sort no help from centrelink etc I am separated for 3 years my daughter like yours is fantastic great singer great at school.I am concerned about my welfare like you worried about being homeless income etc.I believe it is all about low self esteem but you cant start a fire without a spark.Finding it so hard to get inspritation

Depression and self sabotage

BballJ — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 12:51:42 GMT

Hi Driver, matty_is_here, Juliet_84, Ash1, Tanny2 & clownartist,

I noticed a lot of you posted in here and haven't posted elsewhere or have but I haven't seen it personally.

I just want to say, starting your own thread if you haven't is a good start, we can miss posts when you post in other peoples threads so I do encourage you all to start your own threads so we can offer advice to each of you depending on your situations.

Please also remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through and get advice that you may need from trained professionals. I do hope to see you all further around the forums.

My best,

Jay

Depression and self sabotage

Howmuchcanakoalabear — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 14:54:10 GMT

Hi there. You really do need to have professional help to get to the bottom of this self sabotage. I also can associate with this having lost my job of over 30 years as well as superannuation and long service leave entitlements due to behaviour that is now also likely to see me incarcerated. I have also lost most of my friends, broken up with my wife and live a solitary existence on the borderline of homelessness. One of the symptoms of depression is a lack of motivation so it easily becomes a vicious cycle but there really are people out there who genuinely care about helping us broken people back on the road to recovery. The trick is to find the right help as everyone's situation is slightly different. The martyr complex you refer to is partly due to the guilt you feel about not measuring up so you overcompensate not only to try to appease others but also to try to gain some sense of self worth however temporary. I'm no expert but somehow the cycle needs to be broken. I personally am medicated and that provides some assistance but I still find it hard to enjoy anything and associate with what some other posters have mentioned of feeling not only hopeless but also numb to all feelings. Yes sleep provides some solace but the problems are still there so it isn't a solution but just another avoidance tactic that the mind uses. You are unlikely to be able to really make progress without support as the resolve of those depressed is generally insufficient. Blokes want to try to tough it out but trust me it doesn't work! I find helping others also helps me. For a while I was connected to a church and that helped me a lot as there are very kind people who genuinely want to help others. I pray for recovery and a hopeful future not only for myself but also for you and others going through the same things. Try to have a purpose however small to begin with eg I am going to help the next door neighbour fix her fence. It seems ludicrous but sometimes I go and do something for someone else that I don't seem to be able to do for myself. Figure that. Like I will help someone else tidy up their shed but my shed is a bombsite! I think the trick is not to overthink and tell yourself to do something however small to begin with. I tend to cycle trough frenetic activity and absolute lethargy. I mean I will work until I drop literally and yet most of the time can't get myself moving. Have hope that life can and will get better but you do need support.

Depression and self sabotage

Howmuchcanakoalabear — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 15:17:58 GMT

Hi Driver

Some advice for you mate that may be helpful. Firstly what you have mentioned is not uncommon. I also have suffered from anxiety so can associate with your feelings somewhat. You become so overwhelmed that you do nothing and then the situation seems to get even worse doesn't it. I have found that sometimes it helps to just admit you aren't coping to those who may be adding to your stress. Firstly the tax office: If you can't do it yourself is there anyone else that could act as an advocate for you (eg a family member or a good friend)? Go to the doctors if you haven't already to get an official diagnosis (many bulk bill) get put on a mental health care plan that will provide you with a number of subsidised psych visits. You may need medication to help with your serotonin levels and get you going a bit. Ask to be referred to a counsellor through Centrelink who can help you wade through the paperwork and assist in answering the 1000 ambiguous questions. I did this myself so I know from experience as I also got overwhelmed and due to my anxiety couldn't concentrate or even face going into the building. Be honest and tell them you have depression and anxiety that prevents you from being able to apply for benefits. Your doctor will be able to provide you with a certificate each month to prevent you from having to apply for jobs until you can get your illness under control. I say illness because that is what it is and it is as debilitating as a physical illness in spite of what others may think. You owe it to yourself to live in victory however and as you mentioned you want your lovely daughter to be proud of you . Let this be a motivating factor and know you are a worthy human being and people will help and also forgive. Yes I know there are some @#$% out there but I am constantly amazed by the number of truly compassionate people that really are there.

Depression and self sabotage

White_Rose — Sun, 02 Jul 2017 06:59:08 GMT

Hello to everyone who has posted here. First of all I want to endorse Jay's comment about people starting their own threads. At the moment it seems you are all talking about the same or similar situations, but if you havea problem you would like to talk about, please start a thread in the appropriate forum.

Procrastination and feeling hopeless can be signs of depression. You may not be depressed but these are well worn signs. Have any of you spoken to your respective doctors about these feelings? I know I can get into this mood of inertia and I believe it is part of my depression. The difference is I suppose, I have managed to ask for help. I get the impression you are all living alone with little or no contact with family and friends Is this correct? It seems as though you all follow the same pattern.

Suggesting you each start by visiting your GP seems logical but you seem so full of apathy that I doubt this will happen. I suggest you continue to write in here on BB, either on this thread or start a thread of your own. There are many great people who have travelled your road to some extent and can perhaps help you to start getting well.

OK please try and make a long appointment with your GP. Print off your post and take it with you. It will the GP a starting point to talk about. This is important as many of you are using up your resources fast with no likelihood of getting more. Koala has also mentioned CentreLink which is the other important place to contact. They do have people trained to help you through your financial difficulties.

I am guessing you have no spare money for counselling. There are organisations which will work with you for no fee. Anglicare, Salvation Army, Relationships Australia (they do more couples counselling). Not certain about Vinnies but worthwhile contacting.

I am not sure this is a martyr complex. After all you need an audience for that. It seems to me that your own feelings of self worth have been almost completely eroded. The organisations I have mentioned can help you in material ways as well as helping you to believe you are all worthwhile. Because you are all worthwhile, all good people who have been on the wrong end of events.

My dear people I really ache for you and your unhappiness. There's not much I can do except talk to you as much as possible and ask others to talk as well. Please make the effort to get back on your feet. Doctor, CentreLink, Counselling.

Mary

Depression and self sabotage

james1 — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:04:22 GMT

Hello everyone,

Mary has put in a wonderful post with information and tips about what to do.

I don't have much to add except to say that I also got stuck in a similar trap and sabotaging everything. I still catch myself doing it every now and then, but I'm much better at recognising it's happening and just stopping the sabotage.

For me, part of it is also a fear of getting better. Whether due to low self-worth or to chase sympathy, I don't really know. But I just know I am afraid of getting better.

So what's really helped me is to have someone I trust to talk to. I didn't have anyone to start, but I forced myself to find a person I could trust, then be really open with them, even telling them when I was lying to them.

It's very challenging, but I just thought I'd post that as a little story that breaking the self-sabotage cycle is difficult with a lot of effort required, but certainly possible.

James

Depression and self sabotage

Jugglin_Strugglin — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:40:48 GMT

There must be a reason tthis thread has struck such a chord with 6 new posters and several newbies!!!?

I am in the same boat. My life has deteriorated to probably losing everything...16 Year old business, 3 houses etc, all I have worked so so hard for, due to paperwork & ATO etc.

This seems to be a common thing with depression. I am in so deep, I can't get out. It is overwhelming. Boxes and boxes and boxes of paperwork. 5 yrs tax stuff. They probably owe me money! Where do you start?? I am in isolation in remote area, no family (Only teenage son who I am failing). Now my phone is cut off. Electricity will be soon.

I want so much to get on top of it all, but I have to move and leave my son to find work in my profession. It has become my only option. I also have neck and back injuries, so in constant pain when I move or stand or walk. How can I work? But I have to. I am still self-sabotaging by delaying the inevitable move, even though I know it is the path to a happier future. I just don't want to do it.

I hope All on this thread keep posting here, I dont see a need for everyone to start their own thread, as this is the same problem we are all suffering from, so I am hoping we can support each other on this thread, perhaps share stories of how we are coping, any help received and who from, etc. Please post again guys, we need each other. I believe this is a very common consequence of depression which stops many from recovery. I feel less depressed now, but can't recover fully cos of the mess mydepression has left. I still hon't have the energy needed, nor do I know of a path forward to get financials back on track.

Thinking of you all. Let's keep talking here.

Depression and self sabotage

CJs_mum — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 10:44:17 GMT

oh yes! Certainly!
It can be little things like not eating so others can eat, but then feeling bad, moody. Listening to your favourite music until someone else comes into the room because you think they may not like your music, that you should feel ashamed for liking it.
Not studying when you should, not achieving things you know you can/could/should, giving in to arguments just to stop the argument, taking the blame for something, even though it was no ones fault/not yours.
Letting go of payments you should be claiming etc.
Even on here, sometimes I stop myself from posting sometimes because my story is "no where near as bad as other peoples stories". The problem with that is my "little problem"builds to a point of exploding/imploding inside me and I have to vent to someone - or here!
(Thanks guys for putting up with my rambling way of letting go of stuff!)
And thank you for sharing your journey! Its hard to admit that you do this.
Its time to talk with someone about stopping self-sabotage and loving yourself, putting you first or equal! All the best.
Luck, hugs and self worth your way!

Depression and self sabotage

james1 — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 00:38:34 GMT

Hey Jugglin Strugglin,

I saw a comic once depicting the 'aftermath' of depression and basically it was a person picking up the pieces of a ruined house.

Your post reminded me of that and I think it's pretty accurate. So much stuff gets tossed to the side as we struggle, and rightly so, that the weight of having to do it all can be very overwhelming.

But I think that's when it's important to do the absolute most important things first, then leave the rest for later if they need to be done at all.

For example, I still haven't applied for about $500 worth of mental health rebates. I have put it off because it's time consuming and, at the moment, using the time to meet friends and go to work and pick up my hobbies again properly is better for my mental health. Instead, I asked my parents for a little bit of cash to help me through, and I'll get to the money next month.

But it's definitely hard picking up the pieces again, so rather than looking at all of it and getting overwhelmed, it's best to just pick the one or two which are most important, and do them properly first. If that's hard to decide on, a good friend can help talk to you about what is most important, as can your GP.

Hey CJs_mum,

Sounds like you've got a fair bit on as well! Good on you for sharing your own stuff too. It sounds like you want to make a change and that's awesome.

James

Depression and self sabotage

Croix — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 10:15:22 GMT

Dear Lee~

It's nice to see you back, I'd wondered how you were getting on. Although you sound discouraged over you financial situation you sound better than you did when you first came here. Then you sounded lost. Now you sound as if you know the path to take with your work and if you have to move there is at least the possibility of moving to an area where you might get help with all the backlog of paperwork.

I'm sure for someone in your profession there is going to be a demand. In my area the local cannot retire properly due to lack of replacements.

I'm sorry to hear your back is a pain (sorry about that), I now use one stick on most days and two on the rest, a *** nuisance. No ideas just commiserations.

I do remember all the people you have helped here, those intervening months since January had not been wasted, I guess it has helped you see more clearly too even if you are somewhat overwhelmed by the actions you need to take.

Incidentally I found when very down I had a sort of built-in resistance to doing things, not just feeling it was pointless but something more. I came to the conclusion (later on that is) I was frightened to fail - which I didn't. Failure would have meant no possibility of things getting better, the whole thing was a bit self-defeating, and I'm glad I was pushed.

I'm afraid I've forgotten if you ended up seeking medical help, I remember you were rather reluctant to start with, though I understood your reasons.

How is your son?

I'd really like it if you posted again.

Croix

Depression and self sabotage

BballJ — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 13:24:09 GMT

Hi Jugglin Strugglin,

I do agree that everyone on this thread is posting here for a reason, I suggested individual threads just so they wouldn't be missed as when you post on other peoples thread's there is a chance it can be missed. I am glad you posted here and I do hope the other's that posted also post back here so we can all talk.

I believe we may have spoken on your thread, if I am mistaken I am sorry, your username rang a bell with me, that's all.

You have so much going on but you seem to have this optimism that I can see in your writing. Like james1 said, I think tackling every issue, one at a time is a good start. I like to do lists, I write a list of things that need to be done and check them off one by one.. this allows me to work through things at my own pace and not miss things as well. When it is one big pile, things get missed and forgotten about.

Please, keep posting back.

My best,

Jay

Depression and self sabotage

M2 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 07:30:31 GMT

As much as it saddens me that others feel a tendency to hurt themselves in these ways, I have to say (from someone that just now really stuffed up for no reason other than to thwart my own happiness) that I gain some comfort from the fact that there are others like me, and even more by the fact that there may be a way forward with this. I need that. Thank you.

Depression and self sabotage

startingnew — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 09:54:21 GMT

Hi there M2 firstly welcome to the forums

I cans ee others here have given you some great advice

i self sabbotage too esp when my depression is at its lowest. and when my anxiety is high.

when my depression is low i often SH to feel something as these are the times when i feel numb to anything else and when my anxiety is high its to feel something other than dread and panic.

do you know why you SH during your depression? knowing this can help work out what strageties are good to use. i can help with this if you would like and im sure others would have some other suggestions to?