topic Struggling - very good at hiding feelings in Depression

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Sun, 01 Oct 2017 09:44:19 GMT

Hi,

totally not sure where to start. On the outside I have it all together but inside it's all in pieces. I'm very functional but am about to lose it as am at the end of my tether. Been to doctors and told have anxiety and depression - can't take time off as am self employed and professional career. Even though I have found love he has his own issues and the only thing that brings me comfort is my cat

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Mia001 — Sun, 01 Oct 2017 11:56:11 GMT

Hi Bluebird,

First thing I want to say is a big welcome to the forums! It must have taken some courage to post for the first time. Good on you for reaching out! I'be found it a very caring and supportive community here, with a lot of wisdom to share. I really hope it's the same for you.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now. Please tell me if I'm wrong: You haven't said much, but I'm guessing you bottle up your feelings and try to not to let it show. It takes a lot of energy to keep that mask on. Sorry to hear your love has issues too, is there anyone else you can talk to, a friend/family member perhaps?

Its good to hear that you have been to a GP. If you don't mind me asking, are you seeing a counsellor/psychologist at te moment? If not, maybe it's something you'd think about?

If you feel you need to talk to someone maybe try the Beyondblue helpline 1300 22 4636. They also have an email and online chat.

Another cat lover! I have a cute ginger girl named Sundara. What's your cat called?

I hope I haven't asked too many questions! I would love to hear from you if you feel comfortable speaking more. I'm always happy to listen.

Take care,

Mia

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Forest_Critter — Sun, 01 Oct 2017 15:15:58 GMT

Hi Bluebird,

Welcome to the forum. Hope I can give some useful advice. Most importantly, I'd love to hear more about yourself, if you're comfortable sharing.

For a better idea of where to start: feel free to give us a description of yourself, maybe what your home and work life is like, and some background that might be related to how you feel.

On to what you've shared with us: I'm sorry you feel pressured by what's on the outside, and torn on the inside. It seems that there is a reason you tend not to show what's beneath, and feeling this way can offend an array of emotional strains (isolation, rejection, neglect, helplessness). Posting here is a great start, and knowing you have love is fantastic. I'd love to know more about him and yourself.

What may help is seeing a psychologist, and mapping out what's troubling you inside. Or rather; to address the pieces inside, scatter them out in the open. An easy way of starting is getting it all out there, so we can see what there is. This may make coping with what you are worried about much easier once you can see it.

I hope to hear more from you soon BB!

I too have a cat, ginger king named Patrick, total legend.

- FC

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

geoff — Sun, 01 Oct 2017 16:18:32 GMT

hello Bluebird, and I also want to welcome you to the forum.
When you start to get depression/anxiety it's makes you want to pretend to others that there's nothing wrong going on, where in fact you are struggling like hell but don't want to give the impression that there's anything wrong.
It may even be automatic as soon as you step outside your front door, on goes the fake face and smile on cue, but eventually it becomes too exhausting and then there can't be any fake facade.
Working for yourself and when you are alone you can't do one simple task,it's too much of an effort so the job doesn't get finished, and then when it's expected to be finished by you have to say 'not yet', and by saying this it does relieve the pressure, but the job stays unfinished.
I'm not sure whether or not you are taking any medication and if not then can I suggest you ask your doctor.
It can be very difficult when not only you but also your partner is suffering from some sort of depression, which I'm really sorry for you. Geoff.

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 07:33:21 GMT

Hi Mia,

Thank you for your kind reply. I definitely do tend to bottle up my feelings until such time as I can't any more, and then I become quite irrational.

I do have another doctors appointment tomorrow and will see a psychologist this week too.

Everything seems like a huge effort and I feel like I'm going round in circles.

My cat is Mickey Mouse and he is a rescue ragdoll. He is my affectionate boy and I am thankful that I found him every day. I often wonder what his previous life was like and how he ended up as a stray at the RSPCA.

I'm sorry - I don't really feel like writing any more today - there are a few others who replied too but I just don't feel I have the energy at the moment.

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 10:01:32 GMT

Thank you FC,

I got a few replies and replied to the first one initially but was exhausted after that.

I don't know where to start with your questions, I have been used to not sharing feelings pretty much for my whole life really, but I should be seeing a psychologist this week. It isn't the first time I've felt like this.

I love my partner - he is wonderful but I'm struggling, particularly as he he has 2 young kids (aged 10 and 12) who I am finding it very difficult to deal with (what seems to me like) frequent sulks and tantrums. I feel like I can't deal with them on top of this.

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 10:07:52 GMT

Hi Geoff,

thanks for your reply, I did read it this morning and it made a difference to my day.

I have felt like this before, and have been on medication before, will be trying not to this time as it made me feel wretched. I am seeing my doctor again tomorrow and hope that will help, along with phychologist appointment.

thanks Geoff,

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Forest_Critter — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 13:33:33 GMT

Hey D,

Thanks for replying. No need to worry about late replies at all. Reply only if you feel like it.

Also no need to worry about how much you share with me. I am not here to judge or pressure you. And I can talk about whatever you'd like to share, the amount of detail is always up to you, and I'm happy to do so either way, because I just like talking. 🙂

I'm no stranger to bottling up my emotions, opinions, and behaviour. I grew up in a household of constant fighting, where I was a bystander to all conflict, and my opinion or feelings meant nothing. I can definitely understand that in your position, letting out what you feel is difficult with what is already there (children throwing tantrums and basically being children), and then the more bearing feelings of being an ensemble of scattered pieces inside, definitely can make things complicated, and make one feel isolated.

Still, your good news is the same: doctors appointment about discontinuing medication, or an alternative; and seeing a psychologist to map it all out a bit to address the things on your mind and weighing you down.

One bit of advice I can give is regarding the benefits of expressing yourself. Doing so can have marked benefits to your well-being, and specifically for you, expressing yourself may make clear some of the angst and confusion you mentioned. I recommend keeping a diary, or even posting a reply here (if you like). Doesn't have to be extensively descriptive. Just a few brief comments on your day, and how some of the things you did made you feel. The burden of solving problems doesn't belong in the diary, and will therefore keep the focus of the diary entries on how you feel. Alternatively, you can make a diary entry at the beginning of the day, writing about the day before.

From writing down these raw feelings of yours, in time, you may find you have consistent feelings about what is happening in your life, and provide an understanding of the kinds of things you enjoy, and value. Additionally, things you dislike, or believe warrant change, may become more clear.

I'd still like to hear more about you, if you'd like to share. I hope I was able to help, and that you'll be alright.

Take care D.

- FC

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Mia001 — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 00:53:16 GMT

Hi Bluebird,

Its great to hear from you again! Please don't feel pressured to reply right away, it's entirely up to you. I can relate to that as there have been times I've wanted to reply but haven't been able to find the energy and focus to do it.

Glad to hear about your appointment with GP today, and upcoming one with psych. Wishing you all the best for both!

Mickey Mouse sounds gorgeous! Ragdolls are so cute.

Take care,

Mia

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 10:05:18 GMT

Hi FC,

I grew up as an oldest sibling in a family where we had much love but all the emotional ups and downs of an alcoholic parent. I spent years protecting my siblings and calling the police when there were regular physical altercations.

i guess I never really understood that that is probably why I keep my feelings bottled up.

Not sure about keeping a diary.. last time I did it, it largely led to me leaving my ex husband of 21 years after recognising long term patterns of unhappiness. I felt that I really tended to write down most of the negative issues but didn't feel the same urge to write happy feelings!

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Forest_Critter — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 13:56:58 GMT

Hi Bluebird!

Thanks for writing back, and sharing more about yourself. Becoming so responsible at such a young age can be quite difficult, and I understand how that may affect how you express yourself.

I might recommend a modification to a diary entry:

Each day you write one thing you enjoyed (or more if you like). Quick, brief sentence. Followed by one reason why you felt you enjoyed it. This can be a daily routine, that doesn't require a lot of detail, but just the skeleton-base of the thing you're writing about.

On days that are more difficult:

Still stick to the routine of at least one enjoyable thing, plus the why and how (it may be smaller, like enjoying having 5 minutes to yourself for a coffee, or calming down in the shower and so on). But also write down one thing that made you feel pressured in your life. Similar format: briefly what it was, why it is bad/difficult, and how it makes you feel. With this, we add a few more steps: being 3 sentences about the difficult thing. One sentence describing the worst case scenario of what it means for you (e.g you feel really down because you feel broken inside - the difficult thing), you might say 'well the worst case is that I remain sad, don't find out who I am or how I feel inside, and continue to struggle.' Second sentence is the best case scenario; 'well I felt sad, but I won't be sad again, and I will feel confident, certain, and happy of who I am inside, just as I may appear on the outside.' Third sentence: the most realistic case; 'I feel down today because of how I feel inside, but this doesn't mean I can't figure it out and feel better in the future.'

That was a really broad example, but it can be towards something specific like getting a cold.

By all means, take this only as a suggestion from someone who cares about you. I recommend it because it may work better than you believe. But obviously if it doesn't work for you, that's completely fine.

Hope to hear from you soon. All the best.

- FC

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 09:35:04 GMT

Hi FC,

what is your background? Are you a counsellor/psychologist? I'm not questioning you but it seems like you have a lot of experience.

I had my psychologist appointment today, which was pretty draining, followed by an X-ray and ultrasound of my shoulder - showing bursitis which has been giving me slot of pain lately. I also had a call from my regular GP regarding gynae follow up which has been on my mind and looks like will continue for a while (albeit not dreadful but still a little worrying).

my brother called me too which was lovely as I gave been feeling lately like I am the one putting in the effort with my siblings.

on the whole am feeling a bit better today, but I know I have to work on things.

I really find it hard to balance my professional life with this though. My livelihood depends on showing a strong image.

I have a huge week next week work wise and a hospital gynae appointment - I'm thankful my man will be here and I have told him some of how I'm feeling but I'm still worried

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Forest_Critter — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 14:31:02 GMT

Hi Bluebird,

Apologies for the late reply.

Currently I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist at Monash University. General background is I'm from a family filled with lots of conflict. However I do love everyone in my family because each has something I truly admire.

My experience used to come from intuition (just how I generally thought about people and problems), and I used to get as involved as I could in listening to people when I was younger. It was incredibly gratifying when I noticed it helped anyone. It wasn't long until I saw psychology as the perfect career for me. Now that I have more legitimate knowledge to ground my reasoning in, I've only found connecting with people even more gratifying. I guess it seems like I have more experience than I do because I think I may just have 'a good feel' for where the problem comes from with people.

Enough about me though!

You say your psychologist appointment was draining. Did it give you what you were looking for? Was there anything that stood out as unexpected, or particularly useful? Is there a follow-up planned in the future? Obviously you don't have to talk your confidential appointment. I only ask because it seems it wasn't as useful as you hoped.

Sorry to hear about the X-ray and ultrasound (at least those can be fun to look at), and the gynae.

Working on yourself is fatiguing. I'm sure you've got quite the 'to-do' list (professional commitments, family obligation, medical/psychology things to work on). They all have an impact on our energy, at least mentally speaking. It's a good thing that you've noticed it having an effect on you. It's also good to hear you're feeling a bit better! It's important to note the positive realities happening around you, and find them in what we do. Fatigue doesn't have to be negative, or even considered a set-back. Like in exercise, when your body is tired, it is also training to be better, even if it doesn't feel like it initially.

From what you've shared with me so far it seems you're quite a rational person. In knowing that the strong image that people depend on you for is wavering from the fatigue you feel from your commitments, I believe you could just as well know that you are still strong, despite the pressure on you, because it is only temporary. Once you've worked through and recovered some space, you'll feel completely different.

Once more, apologies for the late reply. Do continue to let me know how you're doing if you feel comfortable.

Best wishes

- FC

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 10:52:48 GMT

Hi FC,

I did sort of figure you had some psychological knowledge - apart from that knowledge you do exhibit a lot of compassion. You need to take care that you look after yourself too!

My appointment was draining, but because I think I opened up about "stuff" - obviously it was the first appointment and I do have a follow up.

I have spoken to my partner about how I am feeling but am still unable to totally explain it. I went for lunch with a group of girlfriends yesterday and my friend asked me how I was and I was totally unable to say and just said I'm good. I have told a couple of them but I sometimes feel that it's easier to just put on a brave face.

I am a very logical person - but am not in the best place - I wrote a text to one of my sisters today because I read our texts over the last few months, and it's always me making contact. I have always been here for my siblings but have started thinking that it's one way (apart from my brother). I didn't send the text because I love her and I know that my mind is playing a few tricks on me at the moment and it's hard to make up when there is 12000 miles between us, but when will it be my turn to be looked after?

I have been so homesick but the last trip made it worse, I wanted to go home at Christmas but I don't think it will help me.

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Forest_Critter — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 13:02:03 GMT

Hi Bluebird, thanks for the reply.

I'm glad you've started to open up with your psychologist. Some people expect to leave a session feeling relaxed an invigorated, but is often not the case. Therapy is like any other process of taking care of yourself; it's not usually fun or satisfying, but is simply, work. Opening up being something you're not used to can take a lot of effort. However I'm sure soon enough there will be some noticeable benefits from it.

Regarding your siblings:

It seems almost customary to accept that once we've grown up, we separate and move on. The 'lucky' people stay close and have continued family relations. I'd advise that if this is the case for you, or your family, that someone has accepted that separation is just the nature of growing you, you can definitely say otherwise. By no means is it necessarily customary to separate or break close relationships with family. It may feel awkward, if we even somewhat believe this custom to be real, but asking your family members to stay closer and put in more effort to caring for each other might have a better result than you think. I know it may be particularly important to you, because otherwise trivial catch-up texts may not let you feel free to share like you would like to with loved ones.

I'm sorry that returning home makes you feel sick, would you like to elaborate on this more?

- FC

Struggling - very good at hiding feelings

Bluebird46 — Sat, 06 Jan 2018 11:15:16 GMT

Hi FC,

I’m sorry I didn’t reply, I thought I had, but haven’t been on the forums recently. I have fallen out with my eldest and having relationship struggles as well as Christmas .

The homesickness is a bit ridiculous - have been here many years but when I moved here was to give my marriage a fresh start and my ex had been badgering me for many years to move. My ex wasn’t close to his family so with hindsight I should have stood my ground as I am close to mine. I decided to try and save my marriage and have an adventure but my mum died unexpectedly after we had only been here 2m. My kids were only 9 and 3 and he promised me we could move back if “we” didn’t settle. He really meant if he didn’t settle but he had a great life, a wife who did everything for him including money managing.

So I tried to make the most of it, and I really thought I had. I went to uni, got a degree, set up a business, have done the best I could for my kids, fell in love with a wonderful man, but am still feeling like I am homesick. I feel like I’m trapped. My kids are unappreciative, I struggle with my partners kids because I have zero patience. My partner loves me but he is pressuring me to commit to him and his kids and I am struggling to commit to my own well being as I drink too much and am bad tempered and can’t concentrate. What do I do? I’m at a loss