topic Depression is so Exhausting in Depression

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 04:41:52 GMT

Hi All, Have had depression for around ten years,It is envioromental depression if there is such a thing I don't think it is a chemical imbalance as there is no depression in the family that I know of altough my mother has high Anxiety and will never admit it ,she isn't good at admitting things I have to say, particularly the mental abuse we suffered and even at 53 still getting it today altough my sisters get far more now than I do as I don't see her much now, and avoid her like the plague but still get panic attack when I see it's her on the phone ,so damage done too deep to just forget.Married a woman who is pretty much the same only with far more venom and we barely speak and I have to end this marriage and soon or it will take me this time. I just have'nt the strength for the torrid battle it will be and she will use our son as a weapon against me that I can't avoid.It kills me he is 17 and is autisic and has the worst OCD that 3 doctors and 5 psycologists have ever seen (their words). he washes his hands 50 times a day is paranoid about germs and fumes so will not go out of the house without a major battle ,and has also a phobia about flies ,and we live in sydney so summer is an absolute joy as you can imagine.I am not on any meds as I was for 7 years and will not go down that road again ,have seen many psycologists with varying degree's of assistance ranging from little to none.One has been very helpful and very well known so when I watch tv I see her often I aso do her work I am a tradie so it is a little familiar and Fills me with shame when I think about how she must feel about me ,even thogh I know it isn't the case and I know it's just the ruminating thought patterns creating a false reality it still hurts me.I have hit a place where I haven't been before in as much as I don't want to go out and I don't want to exersize which I normally do crossfit 4 times a week and yoga twice a week I have just hit a wall and feel paralized ,

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 04:58:01 GMT

Hit the wrong key, I also work by myself which is not a good thing being alone with your thoughts all day then coming home to a sometimes hostile and stressful envioroment I have been doing the same work for over 30 years and hate it so much, trade work is not fun its hard and you always seem to be paid late or have to ask for it and is very demeaning and causes money trouble at home ,I am at the crossroads of not wanting to get up and go to work and not wanting to go to sleep to be with my thoughts again ,where do you run to when there is nowhere to run to.sorry ,just needed a vent I can handle things one at aa time but as we all know the worries come all at once and hit hard and fast and you don't see them all coming until you are neck deep.Bye for now Ross.

Depression is so Exhausting

JessF — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 04:59:48 GMT

Hello ro63, you sound trapped by your life at the moment and unsure what you might do to make things better. Your marriage sounds unhappy, the relationship potentially volatile, and you're worried your son may become a pawn in all this if you were to separate. On top of all this, it sounds like the mental abuse from your mother has cast a very long shadow and is still very much lingering in your thoughts.

I believe environmental depression is very much a thing. Life sounds hard for you, and the weight of it every day, of course you will begin to tire.

Despite this, I see so much strength in your post. Your son is very high needs, but you are working very hard as a parent to give him the best life possible, and the best care possible, both from you and from professionals. You know your own mind, and understand when negative thought patterns might be tricking you into thinking you're not a good person. You look after yourself with a solid fitness regime, even though you've struggled to keep up with it recently.

The hardest thing to do when depressed (as you say, it is so exhausting), is to keep up the routines. I've found that at the very times my mind has been screaming at me not to do things, is the very time I should be doing those things. If you can't get out to crossfit 4 times a week, maybe lower your expectations and just get to one. As soon as you are out the door and there, your normal motivation will most likely kick in and you will feel a lot better afterwards.

As for your family situation, there are no easy answers of course. From what you describe, neither of you are happy in this marriage and I wonder if there is any value in discussing that, and what you might both do about making life a bit more tolerable. What do you think?

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 05:25:46 GMT

Hi Jess, Thank you for your kind words I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel ,it's just hard to see it at the moment ,I will hit the gym tomorrow and get out for a walk ,as for the marriage that is unfortunately very much over and we can not talk ,my wife has some abandonment issues and just denies and attacks when ever we try and talk so that will have to run it's course and I will have to make a plan that minimises pain for my son which I don;t have the strength for right now, so little steps thanks again Regards Ross.

Depression is so Exhausting

JessF — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 05:32:04 GMT

Hello Ross, sorry I didnt see your second post when I did my one so I didnt know you were just wanting to talk. I just wanted to say again that even though it doesn't feel like you're on top of things, you know your own self and just what you're able to handle, and also what you need to do over the longer term. The little steps are so important, aren't they, just one foot in front of the other on the hard days.

Depression is so Exhausting

Quercus — Mon, 08 May 2017 07:53:48 GMT

Hi Ross,

Not sure of this is the thread you mentioned but it's your thread so I'll pop in here and say thank you.

I've appreciated your posts and support. Just wanted to see how you were holding up?

I keep wondering is there no hope for your marriage? Have you tried couples therapy? Or would your wife just get defensive and attack if you asked her to go with you to that? I just wondered maybe she might listen to a third party. My friend asked her husband to come to her psychologist with her and the two men ended up talking while she went for a coffee. He needed to hear from another man that the way he was acting wasn't reasonable or helping her at all.

I suppose I wonder if she might be willing to talk to another party if it's to work on rebuilding your marriage? Is that an option at all?

Anyway I just wanted to say hi and thanks. Hope your day is going ok.

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Mon, 08 May 2017 10:25:20 GMT

Hi Quercus, apreciate you stopping in . No is over unfortunatley and will be leaving with shirt on my back but with sanity which is what wil keep me going ,like you said defensive and attack, so it is what it is .

As I have been told before ,I cant help my son if I am in bit's, so I need to get myself right and strong first ,otherwise I am no good to anyone,you can't pour from an empty cup ,so I need to keep as positive as I can and this forum is keeping me distracted and positive at the moment so I am so thankfull to you and everyone on this forum for that ,I hope all is good for eveyone else at the moment I know it feels like we have turns about at the moment but I do feel it will improve ,for all it just seems hard at present so chins up we have been here before and will no doubt be here again, but for now let's keep the brave face and take a leaf from your book and stand up to it .have a great night all ,Ross.

Depression is so Exhausting

whitepointer — Wed, 10 May 2017 05:19:03 GMT

Sorry to hear this. It is exhausting being depressed which dosnt make sence because all you can do is lie on the bed. The other issue you mentioned was lack of energy to do stuff particually if its something that had to be done. Like my poor dog needing his yearly vax. I get your anguish about having an autistic child and everything that it entails. That alone would add to the depression you get. My grand daughter has autism and it has been hard to accept and does affect the family dynamic. We help our daughter a lot with her other child who is nuerotypical to give him some respite. Thankfully my grand daughter dosnt have OCD and is verbal to a certain degree and is only 6 at the moment. I take AD but had to get a different script as the ones I was taking stopped working and I slid into depression. I would like to not take them but I want to be well. I want to do more than the bare minimum. The Dr said it was a chemical imbalance although there have been a lot of stress in the last three years. If uou can manage with resorting to meds it is to be applauded.

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Wed, 10 May 2017 06:11:39 GMT

Hi Whitepointer, Thank you for your kind words ,yes it is exhausting it's a tiredness that people without deppression don't understand I have been off Ad's for about 8 years or so and yes i also felt they were;nt doing much towards the end maybe our tolerence goes up and I didn't like thr idea of just continually uping doses so I tapered off quite slowly and did't get too many side effects luckily,yes Autism certainly changes your life that's for sure he was pretty good today but shocking yesterday it's a bit of a box of chocolate's isn't it you never know what you will get .Regards Ross.

Depression is so Exhausting

Quercus — Wed, 10 May 2017 09:14:24 GMT

Hi Ross,

I'm sorry I read your post and thought I had responded. Arrgh. Sorry.

That's a shame about your marriage. It does leave you in limbo now though feeling depressed and waiting for your wife to accept it. I do understand your worry about your son but you are important too and the situation you're in sounds pretty upsetting actually.

Is she completely closed off from having a discussion about this with you? How are you meant to move on and start rebuilding your life and improving your mental health while in a toxic relationship you know has ended?

Are you concerned she will use your son against you? If so it might be time to have a talk with your lawyer just to be aware of your rights. And ask her to attend therapy with you to talk specifically about the needs of your son and putting him first above fighting.

What do you think? Hope you're feeling ok and I am sorry for the slow response.

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Wed, 10 May 2017 09:28:33 GMT

Hi Quercus,yes In a bit of a spot, there will be no talking and my son will be used for sure ,I am terrified as to know what to do or where to go but I will see a lawyer that is a good idea so at least I know what my rights are just try not to think about it too much lately with all else going on but I need to start making a plan and try and think of a life after .Thank you so much for your thoughtful words I hope things are better for you today ,All my best Ross.

Depression is so Exhausting

Quercus — Wed, 10 May 2017 23:17:10 GMT

Hi Ross,

That must be very hard to deal with anticipating what's to come knowing it's going to hurt you and your son.

I'm glad you found the lawyer a good idea. It also might help to have a third party to speak when things get nasty and overwhelming for you.

You mentioned ADs are not for you and that you see a psych. Have you seen them recently? I feel for you it must be absolutely draining waiting and dreading. I'm sorry for bringing up the therapy if it's not possible. I hope that didn't frustrate you.

How's your yoga going? What is it about that that helps you? I don't enjoy yoga so I am actually curious why that helps.

Take care 😊

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Thu, 11 May 2017 06:06:19 GMT

Hi Quercus,I will seek out a lawyer thank you it is a good idea especially at the moment as I am in a comfort zone albeit a not very comfortable one ,it's hard to break that groundhog day type of thinking at the moment as I just have no energy the stress really takes it's toll .No the therapy thing did'nt frustrate me at all, I thank you very much for your advice ihave been to a few over the years and have'nt seen one for about a year maybe i will look into that again,I need to get back to doing more yoga i have cut down to one class a week and have really felt the difference with yoga its not so much just the stretching and exersize of it thats good ,which it is and stops me being sore it keeps the ache's away ,but it's the breathing techniques and meditation side of it that helps the most ,thank you once again for your kind words ,i hope you have had a good day these forums are keeping me sane at the moment ,All my best Ross 🙂

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Thu, 18 May 2017 06:22:23 GMT

Feeling a little better today last week has been horrible car died and had to get another one, but it all went well so was worrying that it was worse than it was, started seeing a new councellor last night so i will see how that goes went for a walk along beach this morning before work hence the new avatar was a positive day so i'll keep this image as a reminder ,just take the good ones when they come,so something to build on .

Ross.

Depression is so Exhausting

Quercus — Thu, 18 May 2017 12:03:46 GMT

Hi Ross,

I did notice your new picture I like the light streaming in the top corner very hopeful. Glad to hear you're having good moments and able to enjoy them.

Early days with the new counsellor but did you find them comfortable to talk to? It's such a good thing I find to have a regular appointment to talk through problems. Plus it makes the bad times bearable when you know there's only a few days till help and support.

Thank you for your replies on my thread. Especially seeing as you've had a difficult week too. I appreciate it.

Still not sold on yoga I'm afraid. I have heard people mention the breathing aspect but it's not my thing I suppose. I find bushwalking is more my thing the isolation and quiet (and plants haha always about the plants!)

Hope you keep taking the small positive steps too.

Take care Ross 😊

Depression is so Exhausting

blondguy — Thu, 18 May 2017 13:09:14 GMT

Hey Ross

I just read your whole thread. I felt like I was reading my own background. We seem to have a lot in common.

I really feel your pain and anguish Ross. I was in the family court for 6 years and having heavy duty anxiety at the time I made myself worse by stopping my ex taking our daughter interstate inn 1996 when she was 3 years old.

I feel the pain you have for your son. That would be heart wrenching as well as a separation thrown in.

Can I ask how your anxiety is going? As in frequent or sporadic attacks? I wasted 13 years of my life thinking I could self heal after my first mega anxiety attack when I was 23. I was so wrong.

I just thought I'd let you know that I have been through the same including the 'venom' you mentioned where partners are concerned. I am 57 and the severe anxiety has gone but has morphed into a low level social anxiety. I live alone which doesnt help matters either. I take a small dosage of an antidepressant every day since 1996 as I was getting worse and my female GP at the time read me the riot act as I was very anti meds. Just for me it was the smartest move I have made in my life. My work performance and relationships all improved (just for me)

You have a full plate Ross. (understatement of the decade!)

You are a good proactive guy Ross with so much to give

Please be gentle to yourself in this difficult period.

Its really great to have you as a part of the Beyond Blue Family Ross

Happy to be here for you my friend

Paul

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Fri, 19 May 2017 01:33:23 GMT

Hi Quercus, Thank you for your kind words especially at the moment I hope you are having a better day today ,saw new guy and seems nice and he is very empathetic ,so it looks promising I have come to the end of the road as far as this depression and anxiety goes and I am waking up fearful every morning so I am just over it beating me up so i am going to attack it in every way possible and try everything so i will keep you all up to date with anything i find that helps me you never know it could be the smallest little thing that helps me change direction ,thank you once again ,My best wishes Ross.

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Fri, 19 May 2017 01:51:26 GMT

Hi Paul, Thank you so much for your kind words ,I can't imagine how hard going through the courts is going to be just don't have the mental strength for that right now ,My anxiety is very bad at the moment where i am not sleeping well and seem to be in crippling fear about every little thing It has hit me out of the blue really i have general anxt most times but is usually managable ,with exersize and healthy diet ,I have been off meds for a long time and am in two minds about going down that road again ,I think at the moment I am just overwhelmed with too much happening at once and when the home is full of negative energy it makes it worse when you have no santuary so to speak.I started to see a counsellor yhis week who primarily deals with men as all the others i have seen have been female so i will have to see how he aproaches it so will let you know ,I think also the fear that I am 53 and this will be the last crack at it so i am going to hit it hard this time with whatever i need to do ,I am aware now i have to nuture myself ,i thought i was by hitting crossfit like a lunatic ,but have realised that i was just punishing myself to the point i tore ligaments and broke a bone in my hand doing it and loaded with painkillers and carried on for another month until the pain just got too bad and i had to stop ,which i needed to do ,so i willbe more sensible in the future ,well i'll try anyway:)I can relate to you living alone ,in as much as i work alone and find when i am down it is not a good thing to do to be alone with my thoughts so i am looking at doing something else,Thank you paul so much for your support and kind words ,Thank you my friend ,Ross

Depression is so Exhausting

Quercus — Fri, 19 May 2017 04:48:40 GMT

Hi Ross,

Good to hear you're going to a new counsellor. I really find a male therapist easier I hope you find this change helps you too.

Hitting the crossfit till you hurt yourself isn't healthy at all though! Have you spoken to the therapist or GP about this? I'm not sure how it fits with depression but before my meds I'd get in frustrated/angry moments and do things like that which were self harm. If you haven't spoken about this you should consider it.

Your situation is horrible and I'm thankful you have someone like Paul who can guide you from experience. You mentioned the word sanctuary. Is there anywhere private and safe you can go on a regular basis just to try unwind? I find it does my head in to have nowhere in the house I can be alone or have peace and quiet. Hence why I loathe living here. I don't want to go out just want to stay home but be alone. Is there anyway you can have a space just for you even if its a couch in the shed or your own study with a lock on the door?

Thinking of you.

Depression is so Exhausting

ro63 — Fri, 19 May 2017 10:00:32 GMT

Hi Quercus, yes the crossfit thing as my therapist said was me punishing myself ,so I will give that a rest for now well have to as I have torn ligaments still in arm and knee ,but hand has healed so getting there ,I don;t have a santuary and like you say it does my head in , ther is nowhere here so i listen to pdcasts and meditaions before i go to sleep so it is more a metal santuary rather than a bricks and mortar one right now, but am starting to make time for myself now ,thank you so much for your kind thoughts as always hope you are having a better day today ,All my best Ross