topic Husband not coping with my depression in Depression

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Wed, 26 Apr 2017 09:40:09 GMT

Hi, Im new. Sorry a bit useless with the site, but Ive just joined. I was carted off by my daughter to my physchiatrist last week and he told me I was depressed and I didnt even recognise it. I have been on Anti depressants for about ten years, quite a high dose actually but with many very stressful things happening to me, a death, diagnosis of a grandchild with autism, and two medical issues ontop of each other I went down hill. I couldnt get off the bed for months. I have a thyroid condition, Hashis so thought my tiredness and being exhausted was due to that. My husband has put up with three years of ill health due to that trying to get me medicated properly. I dont blame him but since last week he seems angry with me, (hes overseas for work and hadnt even asked if Im okay. He left day after diagnosis. He has sent me some angry texts and I almost feel like hes trying to blame me for my depression. Hes a good man but dosnt understand depression. I actually think hes depressed now himself. I dont blame him for being frustrated because I have been tired, grumpy and suffering social anxiety for years.

Husband not coping with my depression

White_Rose — Wed, 26 Apr 2017 10:36:59 GMT

Dear Whitepointer

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Sorry to hear your depression has returned. These things can sneak up on us without us noticing, or putting it down to other factors such as your thyroid condition. It sounds to me that you need a complete medical check up to determine the level of each illness and to check on the value of each of your medications. With some meds the efficacy can go down over time. How about a visit to your GP and get this sorted.This may be a good place to start.

As you have said above, what you thought was happening is quite different to what is actually happening.

I cannot answer for your husband but I wonder if his apparent anger is more to do with worry about you than being annoyed. A bit like a child falling over and at first appears to be very hurt. When mom realises the injury is minor she wants scold the child, not out of anger but out of fright. Do you think this may apply to your husband?

How long will your husband be away? I wonder if, while he is away, you could write down your various ailments and how they affect you. Also how they interact. This makes me tired but I really need to go for a walk every day and it's hard to make myself go. That sort of thing. When he returns you could sit down together and talk about it.

Have you looked around the site much? Look under The Facts above to see how much information is available. BB will send whatever you need. This can go in your package for your husband. Not that you will get through it all in one go, far too much. Let him read the information at his own pace.

It is really quite difficult to understand someone's illness when you have never experienced it yourself. Talk about what upsets you and what makes you happy. Get him to do the same. As you start to feel more energised you can plan to go out together.

These are a few suggestions. I expect other people will be along soon to talk to you.

Mary

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Thu, 27 Apr 2017 05:04:10 GMT

Thankyou so much for your input and help. My thyroid issue is being managed closely by a natripath and Intergrative Dr in the USA. Yep Im in Perth and had to resort to such action as a and Endo just go on TSH blood results. This kept me ill for 18 yrs which resulted in my depression getting worse and worse, 40kilo weight increase ect. I have issues with how the medical system let me down...big issues. I went to my physchiatrist because whatever the GP threw at me AD wise wasnt working. For four years I. just got worse...depression x anxiety. Then three years ago my Dad died and thats when things got wirse. Stress affects the thyroid which wasnt working properly. Then I went down physically. I was in constant pain from joint pain, my feet were like walking on glass, plantar fastulitis(symptom of low thyroid) , fine and gross motor skill issues, hair falling out, memory issues like in a fog. Actually got lost trying to find Natripath fir a second appointment. I was on 4 AD a day so something was going on. He even gave me other med on top but that didnt work. Found out after another TSH test said within normal range(at my sickest) that it is not a accurate test for thyroud function and found out that I was one of millions of women world wide who aretold the same thing and put on AD instead of thyroid hormone!. Once I was medicated all my symptoms vanished!. Im 18 months into thyroid treatment as it takes a while to get levels right. Plus, I went through menopause!!!!!. This creates anither layer to how yr thyroid works. Found I was estrogen dominant and was very low in progesterone. Trying to get prigesterone only through a GP is a nightmare. Went to womens issues GP and she wouldnt/couldnt give it to me.Anyway once again had to go off grid and find an Intergrative Dr where I live who deals in hormones and gave me progesterone trouches. I have had all blood workups very recently so . My thyroid is just about right since I took the prigesterone. Why I am NOW just depressed for real is annoying to say the least. My husband might have gotten a scare when he found out I was a ctually depressed. I will talk to him when he gets back. I have suggested a councellor and told him to look up beyond Blue. There is more to this story ie narc neighbour fallout after 30 years. My husband husband wouldnt be in my corner to the extent I thought he should which in hand made me feel worthless.

Husband not coping with my depression

White_Rose — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 00:44:09 GMT

Hello Whitepointer

So pleased to hear you are now on the correct medication. It doesn't seem like brain surgery to realise your thyroid was going wonky and medicine to correct this would work. So you have gone through all this trauma because of incorrect treatment. Amazing.

I can certainly relate to the aches and pains. For the past few weeks I have had quite severe pain in various joints, knees, shoulders, wrists etc. Got to the stage where I could hardly walk and sitting down and getting up was very painful. Memory like fog, I agree. And that is quite scary. Taking anti-inflammatory pills and pain relief helped but in reality I just had to sit it out. Blood test showed no nasties, just a high inflammation indicators. Anyway, I am getting better, I am more than happy to say.

I can also relate to ADs not suiting you. For 18 months my psychiatrist tried me on different meds. Either they did not work or had horrendous side effects. Eventually he settled on one with another AD to reduce the side effects of the primary AD. In retrospect it's madness. I think I got better on my own.

Interesting about oestrogen. I discovered I had breast cancer at the beginning of 2015. Had surgery and radiation treatment. All good, now on the five year follow up. Apparently the cancer thrived on oestrogen so the follow up treatment after radiation was medication which stopped the production of oestrogen. Whew what a ride. My depression returned with vengeance, like going down in an express lift. I understand it was the reaction to taking the oncologist's pill and an AD. Stopped both and had a rough five months.

The interesting thing is that my GP prescribed an old AD. Not from the group in use generally, SSRI, but Tricyclic meds. And they are great. Only one side effect, a dry mouth, and I can live with that. So the newest thing is not always the best. A friend of mine had the same difficult and changed to the old drug.

So after that rather long-winded explanation, I wonder if your oestrogen levels have anything to do with your depression. I, obviously, am not a doctor but I do wonder if this would be worth raising with your GP or psychiatrist. What was really amazing was the oncologist did not know about the potential interaction (though I'm told it's not an interaction, another name), and neither did my GP. The downside of specialising.

Mary

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 01:29:48 GMT

Hi, thankyou for your response. Im sorry you have had to go through breast cancer and the AD roller coaster. GPs know a bit about everything and we forget that sometimes. They dole out AD that have had a good outcome for their patients on a whole or the latest greatest the pharm rep suggests. The ones I am on are a very well known brand but my mistake was taking the GENERIC brand of said drug. The physch once I told him last week was angry( not with me) because he said they arent the same as the brand name even though you are lead to believe and told they are identical. This was news to me and he said the generic has been keeping me sick. I was pretty livid actually and couldnt believe it. So I looked up online and sure enough it verified it that their effectiveness is about 80% of the real deal. This possibly applies to other drugs as well. The chemist makes a lot of money on their generic brand. So I took my packets of pills and swapped them. Plus the physchiatrist gave me another AD to take as well. I feel a bit better. The lack of prigesterone causes depression as well. Great!. My physch knows everything...poor buggar!. My daughter/ mother is taking me to him today. The only problem I have now is my H sending me these texts from OSea saying hes going to have a breakdown and that I have been hard to live with. I know this . He hasnt been to any of my appointments ie thyroid or Physchiatrist so he dosnt understand it.

Husband not coping with my depression

White_Rose — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 22:47:30 GMT

Interesting about the generic brands. My GP said the same about one specific medication. I told the pharmacist who said it was not true but I insisted on the real deal. Almost the same is not good enough, especially for those experiencing serious illness, and depression is serious. I was told that the active ingredient was the same, so presumably it was the other ingredients which are added to make the pill or whatever stay in one piece. So maybe it is those extras. No idea myself, just that they are not the same.

I hope your session the psych goes well. Have you told him about your husband's reactions? He (psych) may be able to give you some suggestions. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Mary

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 03:00:27 GMT

Hi Mary, I told the physch about my husband falling into a heap but he was more interested in getting me better first. My husband thinks I blame him for the way I am and that I think hes a terrible husband. He has played a part in it inknowingly by ignoring and avoiding the issue . For two years.I have been trying to sort out a thyroid issue which got me into a hell of a state physically and mentally. Then I got a severe sinus infection that couldnt be treated properly and which had me nearly get menengitis which had to be operated on. my husband pribably thought my depression, lying inbed exhausted was thyroid related, menopause related all together. It was a three ringed circus of different Drs and Natripathic Drs to sort me out. I thought the way I was just thyroid, Im bordering on Hashimotos and I know that can leave you acting like you have depression as does Menopause. As I was taking a big dose of AD I just thought it cant be that. My husband knows Im not right and has seen my running to all these Drs but hasnt suggested going with me in particular the physchiatrist where he could have asked questions. I suppose he thought I was more or less okay because I was cleaning the house, cooking his meals and doing his ironing so I must be okay. Mind you it killed me physically to do that. The physchiatrist said that the generic brand could have added to my depression and also the fact that. they just stopped working. I read that the generic has a different coating on the tablet that is an issue. Im starting to feel better on the new pills. My husband took it personally when I said it was the way I am being treated that made me depressed. This is after he text me and said, "Werent the tablets working". There have been a couple of issues that hve added to my depression that he did. I thought he should have backed me more on one issue that upset me and through me under the bus and him avoiding me. His drinking too much, his leaving me New Years eve by myself. Thankyou for responding and Im going to make him see a councellor when he gets home.

Husband not coping with my depression

Guest_3712 — Mon, 01 May 2017 10:33:18 GMT

Hi Whitepointer,

Sorry I am just joining your thread but your situation is so like mine I just had to respond. Different health issues but same husband issues. Following a work accident I had numerous surgeries, lost my job, and blah blah. Without me knowing it I was also suffering from major depression.

My husband is also a really good guy and wonderful father but he just doesn't get it - depression that is. He too was very angry at times, and refused to visit me in the psych hospital after I was admitted for addiction and depression. He totally believed if I tried hard enough "I could get over it" . It made my recovery very hard.

Your doc is right. You have to work on you first. You have to do whatever it takes to get as well as u can both mentally and physically. In my experience my psych said he believed my husband was scared of the change in me and as I was always the "strong one" he was understandably scared and confused.

Even though most of my health issues are resolved to a point my mental health remains an ongoing project and yes my husband still struggles with my medication use and visits to psych- 10 years on. At least he no longer tries to blame me and make me feel guilty. I put this down to my psych's constant counselling on this not being my fault and standing up for myself- easy to say harder to do.

By no means are things totally resolved with us, but it is better. I tried to 'force' my husband to come to psych visits but he has always refused, scared I think that maybe he will be told he is partly responsible . Whatever his reasons that is his issues and I also believe he may also be depressed but it is decision to make and I need to focus on me which will in the long run benefit us both.

So hang in there whitepointer take care of yourself and I'm sure eventually hubby will come around- I guess what I never fully appreciated when things were really bad was how much an impact it was having on my family too- but that is the nature of depression and anxiety it does make us a tad selfish and self absorbed well for me it did.

You have a young family so you need support and if you are not getting it from husband you need to get it from the professionals. I'm sure your children feel secure and loved but use whatever resources you have, extended family ,friends to help with the added pressures on you at this time,

Take Care

Stressless

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Tue, 02 May 2017 04:30:55 GMT

Hi Stressless, thanks for your kind words. My husband sounds a bit like yours. If they only realised that by being in our corner at the critical moment ie hospital or actually participating in at least one physchiatrist appointment they would get a bit of incite about depression. Im sure he thinks that the Dr will tell him he has to sack up in regards to a couple of issues that finished me off. He told me he was proud of the way he copes with stress. Yeah with scotch and smoking!. My husband dosnt like any dramas inhis life. He dosnt like the fact that sometimes people may have an argument with someone whether its your sister or neighbour/ friend. He bought that up as me being too sensitive in relation to the above mentioned. My sister accused me of not doing my fair share in relation to my deceased fathers property. I told her I was sick, ie thyroid and chronic depression tiredness. She couldnt see my side if it abd slammed the phone in my ear. Then her husband said to me it isnt like you had cancer!!!' He has had cancer twice. My husband didnt see that that was uncalled for and was angry I hung up on my BIL for that. Then my narc neighbour did some nasty stuff to me/us, had a go at my daughter and I called her out on her lying, hypercritucal behaviour. Some of the stuff was to do with financial issues with her involving me in it, but telling me a stack of lies in the process. When I found out I confronted her. But my husband was lousy because hes friends with the partner. I was already struggling with depression over other stuff and his pigheaded attitude topped me off. My three daughters are on my side . They are all adults. I said to my oldest daughter that I wish I had broken my leg because at least I wouldve gotten a couple of casseroles thrown at me.

Husband not coping with my depression

White_Rose — Thu, 04 May 2017 12:16:27 GMT

Hello Whitepointer

Sorry to leave it so long before replying. I have been a little unwell and finding it difficult to manage.

So true that if we had a physical injury the world would be only to happy to help. I broke my knee-cap many years ago and was bringing the rubbish bins in off the street and using one crutch. A complete stranger rushed up and offered to help.

I have said many times that people are afraid of mental illness because it has been a taboo subject in the past, something to be ashamed about, and definitely not in our family. And of course some of the mental illnesses then did make people do weird things. Medication has been tremendous in managing these illnesses and allowing people to lead pretty much normal lives. Though I guess the meaning of normal depends on the person concerned. Sadly the old attitudes are still around.

Have you looked at the information available on BB? Look under The Facts at the top of the page. BB will send of these publications to you. Some of this is especially for friends and family of those with a mental illness. If you can get your husband to read it he may be more relaxed and be able to support you more easily.

I believe your psych is right to get you to concentrate on your own health, but I also know how difficult that can be on your own or with your husband making it plain you are over reacting etc. It's probably his fear and discomfort that is making him act in this way but that does not help you. This is why I suggest you get him information written by a trusted organisation like BB. It's then not just you trying to explain.

When we are depressed it's hard to see the world in perspective. I know I am more prone to get angry when I feel under the weather and to speak without taking a mental deep breath. We are only responsible for our own thoughts and behaviour, not our friends, family and neighbours. I know how hard it is to ignore or put aside your feelings when someone hurts you. I like to think I can react reasonably but of course that's not true on many occasions. I have to practice this and some days I just don't care and do or say whatever.

It's a good thing to discuss with your psych. Every time we lose the plot it takes energy that is better directed to our self care. I do know how hard that is but I also know it is rewarding to feel in control of myself.

I hope that is helpful.

Mary

Husband not coping with my depression

Guest_3712 — Fri, 05 May 2017 05:47:10 GMT

Hi WHitepointer,

Thanks for taking time to reply . I hate to generalise but it seems most men don't like dramas in their life, but then not many women do either. In my husbands case it really is a case of if I don't acknowledge it then its not happening. Ignoring or not facing a problem is definitely not handling it nor is drinking and smoking to excess.

As for your sister/ family again lots of similarities with mine, sometimes you just have to decide if it is worth having these people in your life. I decided some years ago now after numerous run ins with certain sibs that was dramatically affecting my mental health, to cut them out of my life. I couldn't deal with my issues and listen to their crap. They did/ said so many awful things to me which in turn made me respond in the same way. I was not knowing who I was but I did know I didn't want to be like them- bitter, angry and always ready to try and guilt me into things.

No more. I decided that family or not I don't want these negative influences in my life. I only want people that are supportive and want the best for me. Friends that listen not criticise , family that are there no matter what. Sure it was heartbreaking at the time and I still miss them at certain special times but overall I am happier without them. This includes neighbours who have so little in their lives that they have to create drama.

Your husband needs to support you for sure. As Whiterose said those that don't have mental illness do have a lot of trouble coming to terms with someone who has it. They don't understand it and are therefore are scared of something they cant control. Maybe it would be a good idea to get this literature and just leave for your husband to read if he wants

One thing Ive accepted is I cant force my husband to be involved if he doesn't want to. Over time he has done a lot of research on his own, because I just stopped trying to involve him and said I was going to do what I had to do to get better with or without him- his choice.

Some people will never try to understand so it is so much better to use your strength on yourself to get as strong as you can and when you need to lean on your girls- its good for them to be informed also as it can only help your recovery and relationship with them. All the best

Take Care

Stressless

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Sun, 07 May 2017 03:23:07 GMT

Hi stressless, thanks for your words of encouragement. The husband hasnt been home much since he got back from OS. He immediately went into work from a flight from OS. He is avoiding me because he dosnt want to know. He did ask me once via text as I had just comefrom the Drs that day while he was at work. As I had no credit I didnt reply. Two days later I had to bring it up again. He got shitty because he had just gone to GP about a couple of spots he wanted cut off and I only asked about onr of the spots, not the one he thought was cancer( it wasnt). I told him due to the depression I cant remember everything hes tells me. Then he asked.me how I was. I just stared at him and said, not good actually!. There is no added communication from him. He keeps sayin.g im over sensitive which makes me want to clobber him over the head. In all the time I have been like this I have only had my oldest daughter take me to the Dr. Juggling it with kids and work. He isnt interested in coming with me to the Doctor. Dosnt offer. I have kept the house clean, ironed his bloody clothes and made sure he has tea on the table when he gets home and I have struggled to do it...really struggled. Perhaps I should have not done it all. Stupid me.

Husband not coping with my depression

White_Rose — Sun, 07 May 2017 05:22:43 GMT

Hello WP

My husband and I separated nearly 17 years ago so I have to be responsible for myself. I think if we were still together he would be very much like your husband and Stressless. He certainly did not believe people had mental illnesses as much as they do and taking medication was only for losers. The sad part is I was so brainwashed I refused to take meds even when I had left because I felt guilty. Sad isn't it?

Like you I pushed myself to do all those things a good wife should but found it was his expectation and right for me to run round after him. I am so pleased my girls married decent men. Just been talking to one daughter about her son going to Canberra on a (primary) school trip. My daughter went as a helper when her daughter went but she had surgery not long ago and will not be fit enough this time so dad is going. I am so impressed.

I have to agree about moving toxic people out of your life. Like most of us I have come across a few but fortunately not in my immediate family.I have seen the effect on others of being around the toxic ones. Not a good look.

It's funny (nicely) that you talk of being over sensitive. My doctor tells me that frequently and that is why I get upset. I said perhaps I should grow a thicker skin but she disagreed. Thick-skinned people never notice what is going on around them and have no care about others she said. Better to be thin-skinned and sensitive because this makes nicer people. Besides, all the effort of getting to be unobservant etc could be better used to learn how to look after yourself and manage in the world. I have decided it's a good idea.

I think the other reason I struggled with sensitivity is because of the connotations of the word. Being precious and not able to manage in this hard world etc. That definition is wrong so stay as you are.

Ask your daughters to go to the doctor with you and talk about your needs with them. No point in wasting time trying to get your husband to understand however nice that would be.

Take care of yourself my dear.

Mary

Husband not coping with my depression

Guest_3712 — Mon, 08 May 2017 10:45:50 GMT

Hi Whitepointer,

I can really hear my own story echo in your words and I really feel for you. One of the problems with depression is it is not visible to those looking on, say like your husbands spots. If it cant be seen then it is very hard to relate to.

After my work injury all of my problems were internal as in nerve damage- I had compressed nerves in my back and had to walk with a cane, sometimes crutches and after surgeries a wheelchair. The looks I used to get, like" Whats wrong with you?" and sometimes actual comments because I wasn't missing a limb people just assumed I was faking it.

Unfortunately depression is the same- there's no rash or copious sores all over us but its real and we know it is. If you keep trying to defend yourself and/ or prove you have this disease it will really wear you out and only compound your issues. Trust me this has taken me a very long time to come to terms with.

During one of my admissions , I rang my husband to tell him how I was going and that I would be in for at least 6 weeks- he responded with, "Well I'll see you when u get out because I don't support this" I felt like I had physically been punched in the stomach. This triggered a very bad episode for me , and I was under suicide watch for days.

I eventually got over it but I don't think I 've ever forgiven him for that- I was so alone and scared but I did come out the other side. I still hope one day he will come to psych with me ( he hasn't in 7 years) but ironically he did come to most of my doctors re my physical issues.

Whitepointer please don't let this consume you. Do what you have to do to get stronger and in control and try to ignore the constant negative vibes coming off the people around you. If you need to explain at all .just say that this is a real disease with real symptoms and real treatments available and that you are going to do whatever it takes, preferably with their support but on your own if you have to.

Of course you're sensitive we all are when we have to deal with the ignorance that surrounds this illness, and if on any given day you don't feel up to ironing, cooking or cleaning well that's just too bad I'm sure like most men he is more than capable of cooking a meal also on the days I felt better I would try and cook as many meals as I could and freeze them for the days I felt crap.

Hope you start to gain some peace

Take Care

Stressless

Husband not coping with my depression

Guest_3712 — Mon, 08 May 2017 19:28:40 GMT

Hi Whitepointer

Sorry I replied to you last night but for some reason it hasn't appeared so I will reply again properly soon

Hang in there

Take Care

Stressless

Husband not coping with my depression

White_Rose — Tue, 09 May 2017 00:16:34 GMT

Hello WP

How are you feeling today? Haven't heard from you for a few days, although I think you have been posting on other threads. Have you seen your psych lately?

It would lovely to hear how you are going, even if just a few words. I hope all is (relatively) well.

Mary

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Wed, 10 May 2017 04:55:07 GMT

Hi, I read the bit about uour husband telling you he will see you in 6 weeks because he didnt agree with your admission.I take it that was because of depression. I was pretty appalled to hear that and that you were then on suicide watch. Im sorry that it crushed you to that point and unforgiveable of him. I would be rabid believe me. I hope the hospital staff or your Dr told him it was unc alled for. Im getting better each day with the change in medication. Even did a bit of gardening. My husband is just going along like an Ostrich. Should call him Ozzy Ostrich. His family dont talk about mental health issues and there is a bit of it in the inlaws side ie nephew but it isnt discussed. Whereas My mother had schizophrenia all of my childhood so it is basically a stubbed toe to me.

Husband not coping with my depression

Guest_3712 — Wed, 10 May 2017 19:11:55 GMT

Hi Whitepointer,

So glad your new meds are making you feel better . Yes I am very familiar with the head in the sand routine- unfortunately for us that is not an option is it ?

My husbands reaction to my admissions was very hard because to me I was taking steps to recovery - after years of living in a drug haze, I was finally seeking help so I was very confused. After lots of therapy group and individual I learnt that his issues were his problems and I couldn't change that and instead had to focus on my recovery and still do

Now days he is more accepting of my need to see psych regularly and on occasion asks how it went- I guess this would give me the opening to discuss certain matters but given his history, I am reluctant. Instead I may touch on our conversations re meds or other 'safer' topics- cowardly I know but these days I just want a peaceful life.

Take Care

Stressless

Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer — Tue, 16 May 2017 09:49:05 GMT

Hi WR. yes Ive been to the Dr again, he upped my medication and I see him again this week. He may up it again as Im still bit hopeless but managing lot better with things. Hope you are getting along okay. My husband came home yesterday with the news that he is being replaced after 35 years as the GM . He will be given another role in that company apparently. He may leave and retire early, hes 58. Still Im upset for his sake, even though he had planned to retire early you want to be the one to pull the pin. See what happens. Thanks for enquiring of me.